Body shame
Replies
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I got married pretty young, I had just turned 21 a few days before hand. and I know my husband is not the type of guy to give compliments, I dont see him ever turning into that person either. I've gotten upset about it a few times, but i've made peace with the fact thats just how some guys are. If he knows I spent a long time doing my hair or make up he will occasionally say something but its rare.
I'd like to comment on a few things that you posted, you had a baby, and gained 9 pounds, thats really not much. I gained quite a bit of weight after I got married, I dont have an exact number because I never was really thin but when I started I definitely wasn't as thin as when I met him. Gaining weight can cause a lack of attraction which can cause a lack of intimacy, however with you it was only 9 pounds. Have you tried to talk to him about it? Telling him how you feel and seeing what he says?
I'd also like to comment on the staring on other women thing. Im completely on your side about that. I know alot of people (not just on MFP but in the world in general) feel that "looking" is fine as long as you come home to your SO. I'm glad that some people feel that way, and maybe its because im overweight and probably insecure but im not cool with it. I vaguely remember saying something to him about this before we started dating, I cant remember the exact conversation but I can be a little too blunt sometimes so it probably was something like "I cant stand when guys with girlfriends or wives are checking out other girls, Its fine to look but to stare especially infront of your SO is so disrespectful I would never let a guy do that to me" and who knows if my husband remembers this conversation (probably not) but i've never seen him "check out" another woman infront of me, I'm sure someone catches his eye when im not with him, but hes never made me feel disrespected or that I wasnt enough for him (even at my heaviest) Are you comfortable sitting down and talking to him about everything you have been feeling? It might be helpful to even write a list of everything you are feeling and see if you can talk through it. Sometimes the other person you have all of these problems with isnt even aware they are doing anything wrong, in their eyes they are just acting normal.6 -
BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »Run4fitness12 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.
:huh: in what way exactly should a woman help a man to 'be more than just an animal'??
I just mean humans have consciousness in a more profound way than other animals. We are not prisoners of our instincts. We can choose to not stare at it other people and we can choose to be more aware of those close to us.
I agree the way it was worded before is confusing. This does make sense to me and actually is probably something my husband would say
I think its all about choice, and honestly respect. BUT it also depends on your relationship, some women and men are upfront about it being okay to look but not touch so looking at others is the norm for their relationship. But in this case OP isnt comfortable with it, so IMO hes not respecting her either.2 -
grayblackmfp wrote: »How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
Our son is 17 months, he's had to take on a lot, I have 3 older children so kind of remember how it goes. He's terrible at talking he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, when I first met him he lied so much but he's got so much better, he would go all around the houses before he lied but not quiet telling the truth straight away, he's hard work. I do want to be with him and I do find him attractive, the most attractive man I have ever had as a partner.0 -
CoffeeAndContour wrote: »Is this you in the profile pic? Is this story about you?
This is me1 -
grayblackmfp wrote: »How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
Our son is 17 months, he's had to take on a lot, I have 3 older children so kind of remember how it goes. He's terrible at talking he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, when I first met him he lied so much but he's got so much better, he would go all around the houses before he lied but not quiet telling the truth straight away, he's hard work. I do want to be with him and I do find him attractive, the most attractive man I have ever had as a partner.
Are there some trust issues at play here? You mentioned a few times he used to be a not very good guy and he used to lie all the time. Do you trust him?0 -
laurenebargar wrote: »grayblackmfp wrote: »How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
Our son is 17 months, he's had to take on a lot, I have 3 older children so kind of remember how it goes. He's terrible at talking he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, when I first met him he lied so much but he's got so much better, he would go all around the houses before he lied but not quiet telling the truth straight away, he's hard work. I do want to be with him and I do find him attractive, the most attractive man I have ever had as a partner.
Are there some trust issues at play here? You mentioned a few times he used to be a not very good guy and he used to lie all the time. Do you trust him?
It is hard to trust someone who has lied, he says the most a full things when we have fallen out, he told me he was going to cheat on me, he told me he still loves his ex and would do anything for her, he has been not nice at all but this last year he has changed a lot and I am still trying to see last these things but it's hard sometimes.0 -
BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.
:huh: in what way exactly should a woman help a man to 'be more than just an animal'??
I just mean humans have consciousness in a more profound way than other animals. We are not prisoners of our instincts. We can choose to not stare at it other people and we can choose to be more aware of those close to us.
but you said women should help men do this...? how?0 -
laurenebargar wrote: »grayblackmfp wrote: »How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
Our son is 17 months, he's had to take on a lot, I have 3 older children so kind of remember how it goes. He's terrible at talking he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, when I first met him he lied so much but he's got so much better, he would go all around the houses before he lied but not quiet telling the truth straight away, he's hard work. I do want to be with him and I do find him attractive, the most attractive man I have ever had as a partner.
Are there some trust issues at play here? You mentioned a few times he used to be a not very good guy and he used to lie all the time. Do you trust him?
It is hard to trust someone who has lied, he says the most a full things when we have fallen out, he told me he was going to cheat on me, he told me he still loves his ex and would do anything for her, he has been not nice at all but this last year he has changed a lot and I am still trying to see last these things but it's hard sometimes.
Im going to second couples therapy. Are you guys married?1 -
CoffeeAndContour wrote: »CoffeeAndContour wrote: »Is this you in the profile pic? Is this story about you?
This is me
I don't get his deal? What isn't he attracted too? You're gorgeous.
I thought this was more of a what if scenario. So I apologize for the bluntness of my original post. And my post was more so referencing someone who has completely let them self go and no longer cares for their own health. Again I'm sorry.
Have you considered couples therapy?
That's ok, in a way I have let myself go, I was married for 16 years to a horrible man I got the confidence to leave but now I feel I have let myself slip into someone I don't like. No we haven't thought about therapy, I think if I suggested it he would say it's a good idea for me, he's said similar before.0 -
laurenebargar wrote: »laurenebargar wrote: »grayblackmfp wrote: »How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
Our son is 17 months, he's had to take on a lot, I have 3 older children so kind of remember how it goes. He's terrible at talking he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, when I first met him he lied so much but he's got so much better, he would go all around the houses before he lied but not quiet telling the truth straight away, he's hard work. I do want to be with him and I do find him attractive, the most attractive man I have ever had as a partner.
Are there some trust issues at play here? You mentioned a few times he used to be a not very good guy and he used to lie all the time. Do you trust him?
It is hard to trust someone who has lied, he says the most a full things when we have fallen out, he told me he was going to cheat on me, he told me he still loves his ex and would do anything for her, he has been not nice at all but this last year he has changed a lot and I am still trying to see last these things but it's hard sometimes.
Im going to second couples therapy. Are you guys married?
No not married.0 -
Living a healthy lifestyle and losing weight for someone else will only set you up for failure. YOU have to want to do it for you and no one else.
Anyone that can't accept you who you are now doesn't deserve you.3 -
laurenebargar wrote: »laurenebargar wrote: »grayblackmfp wrote: »How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
Our son is 17 months, he's had to take on a lot, I have 3 older children so kind of remember how it goes. He's terrible at talking he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, when I first met him he lied so much but he's got so much better, he would go all around the houses before he lied but not quiet telling the truth straight away, he's hard work. I do want to be with him and I do find him attractive, the most attractive man I have ever had as a partner.
Are there some trust issues at play here? You mentioned a few times he used to be a not very good guy and he used to lie all the time. Do you trust him?
It is hard to trust someone who has lied, he says the most a full things when we have fallen out, he told me he was going to cheat on me, he told me he still loves his ex and would do anything for her, he has been not nice at all but this last year he has changed a lot and I am still trying to see last these things but it's hard sometimes.
Im going to second couples therapy. Are you guys married?
No not married.
Okay I was just wondering, I still think couples therapy would be a good idea. I've personally gone through couples therapy before we got married. We had some personal issues from our pasts that needed to be worked out and it was nice talking about it with someone else there to give us input. We only went in for a few sessions but I think it helped. We wound up getting married and havent had to go back so thats something. Would be be open to the idea?2 -
laurenebargar wrote: »laurenebargar wrote: »laurenebargar wrote: »grayblackmfp wrote: »How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
Our son is 17 months, he's had to take on a lot, I have 3 older children so kind of remember how it goes. He's terrible at talking he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, when I first met him he lied so much but he's got so much better, he would go all around the houses before he lied but not quiet telling the truth straight away, he's hard work. I do want to be with him and I do find him attractive, the most attractive man I have ever had as a partner.
Are there some trust issues at play here? You mentioned a few times he used to be a not very good guy and he used to lie all the time. Do you trust him?
It is hard to trust someone who has lied, he says the most a full things when we have fallen out, he told me he was going to cheat on me, he told me he still loves his ex and would do anything for her, he has been not nice at all but this last year he has changed a lot and I am still trying to see last these things but it's hard sometimes.
Im going to second couples therapy. Are you guys married?
No not married.
Okay I was just wondering, I still think couples therapy would be a good idea. I've personally gone through couples therapy before we got married. We had some personal issues from our pasts that needed to be worked out and it was nice talking about it with someone else there to give us input. We only went in for a few sessions but I think it helped. We wound up getting married and havent had to go back so thats something. Would be be open to the idea?
I doubt it, he has said before it would be a good idea for me to see someone because I am not confident and I am insecure. Maybe that's the route to go down. I just feel bad for posting on here now, I look a right idiot. Thank you all for your responses they have been appreciated.0 -
I cannot speak for anyone but myself, I love a person for them being them. Overweight or skinny, it doesn't matter because I'm in love with their uniqueness. I recognize them to be one of a kind. Love goes beyond physical appearances. It's about the friendship and bond I created with the person.4
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CoffeeAndContour wrote: »Attraction does not equate love.
correct.
I'm attracted to tacos but I don't love th...
wait.
that's a bad example.12 -
laurenebargar wrote: »laurenebargar wrote: »laurenebargar wrote: »grayblackmfp wrote: »How old is your child? It can take a while to adjust to parenthood and remembering that your partner is still them and not just a parent.
I'd try talking to him again. if you need him to do more then you need to start with asking in plain English. See how he feels about you. Although you don't seem too thrilled with him at the moment. Do you want to be with him?
Our son is 17 months, he's had to take on a lot, I have 3 older children so kind of remember how it goes. He's terrible at talking he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, when I first met him he lied so much but he's got so much better, he would go all around the houses before he lied but not quiet telling the truth straight away, he's hard work. I do want to be with him and I do find him attractive, the most attractive man I have ever had as a partner.
Are there some trust issues at play here? You mentioned a few times he used to be a not very good guy and he used to lie all the time. Do you trust him?
It is hard to trust someone who has lied, he says the most a full things when we have fallen out, he told me he was going to cheat on me, he told me he still loves his ex and would do anything for her, he has been not nice at all but this last year he has changed a lot and I am still trying to see last these things but it's hard sometimes.
Im going to second couples therapy. Are you guys married?
No not married.
Okay I was just wondering, I still think couples therapy would be a good idea. I've personally gone through couples therapy before we got married. We had some personal issues from our pasts that needed to be worked out and it was nice talking about it with someone else there to give us input. We only went in for a few sessions but I think it helped. We wound up getting married and havent had to go back so thats something. Would be be open to the idea?
I doubt it, he has said before it would be a good idea for me to see someone because I am not confident and I am insecure. Maybe that's the route to go down. I just feel bad for posting on here now, I look a right idiot. Thank you all for your responses they have been appreciated.
Dont feel like an idiot, I think you are having feelings that are completely normal. I dont see going to therapy alone to be a bad thing at all. You could go and maybe encourage him to come with you one time and see how that works, but working on yourself can honestly only benefit you.2 -
With my wife and I it was mutual. We sat down one day and had a very honest discussion about this topic where we both stated that we deeply loved each other but neither was physically attracted to the other. I must state that we were both grossly obese at that point. Also, neither of us were that big when we met.
The fact it we all have preferences and you cant force yourself to be attracted to someone just like you cant force yourself to love someone.
Since then we have both lost a lot of weight and the attraction sparked again.
It may seem vain but it is reality for all of us. If it wasn't, there would be very few single people out these.
I do not see it as body shaming. I see it as being open and honest about your preferences, which to most people are very very personal. Physical preferences should not be any less important than emotional or intellectual preferences.TavistockToad wrote: »has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?
is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?
I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.
Good lord woman that is nothing. i gain that in a week when we go on holiday. If you look anything like your picture then you are gorgeous. He might not say it but trust me he thinks it.Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »But I just wanna add.. your profile photo is amazing. If that's you then kudos cause you look great and it doesn't look like you have any weight to lose.
I think you're beautiful and I hope you think so as well. Confidence is key. Don't let his opinion matter to you.. cause it's you who's gonna live in that body of yours and you deserve to love it.
Again.. you look beautiful
^^^ ThisTavistockToad wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?
is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?
I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.
so you want him to love you for you, but when he says that you don't believe him and you think he doesn't find you attractive....? i think you're leaving out some of the story here....
I would just like "oh you look nice today" or any kind of compliment rather a generic "I love you" like the other night we was watching TV while he was eating, some woman came on, nothing left to the imagination and he stopped chewing his food, I actually thought at one point he'd stopped breathing, eyes transfixed and I don't even get a glance not even a peep. Probably being to self conscious and insecure.
You've pretty much described every guy I know. Also my wife lol She has no shame when it comes to perving at hot guys. We were in gym once and this ripped guy was wearing the same T-Shirt as me, she turned to me and said "If you looked like that we would never leave the house" lol I didn't take it as insult, it's just who she is.
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I was married for 16 years to a man who always put me down, he was a feeder so I was very large. He was mentally abusive, "who would want you, look at you you are ugly and fat" that's what I can remember. These things stick with you. So it might seem vain but once in a while to be told you are wanted not just because you give all the time and never take anything, just because you are adored in every single way.
Anyway (shaking my head giving it a well deserved wobble) healthy body and mind in the future.0 -
Attraction has a lot more to do with personality than looks IMO. Sure they have to have something going for them but I have met plenty of gorgeous woman who were not attractive.
Unless something has really changed a lot you have nothing to worry about, he feel in love with you, not your size.1 -
Yes, some men have trouble with compliments. If you've read the book "The five love languages" you can see that different people have different ways of showing love. In my situation, I am one that needs words to feel loved. Unfortunately, my husband is an acts of service kind of guy - he shows me he loves me by maintaining my car, doing dishes, etc. Things that make my life so much easier. So, after 21 years of marriage, I have learned to accept that his way of showing me love may be different than what I sometimes need, but he really does love me.
That being said, I don't think your partner (based on the undercurrent of your comments) is just using a different love language than what you'd prefer. He sounds like he likes the idea of being respected in the community as a partner and a father, but that's it. His little comments sound like he is purposely trying to undermine your confidence and trying to make you feel like you'd better stay with him because no one else will have you.
If that's the case, it's total bull. You're beautiful inside and out and you don't deserve to be with anyone who thinks anything other than that.0 -
I think it's worth noting that even the most beautiful women in the world get cheated on. Hugh Grant stepped out on Elizabeth Hurley. We're pretty sure Brad Pitt stepped out on Angelina Jolie. The list of amazingly attractive women whose b/f's or husbands were not faithful to is not a short one. If he's going to cheat on you, it likely has so very little to do with your appearance that it's really not worth beating yourself up over what you look like, especially in regards to the likelihood of being cheated on.0
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I was married for 16 years to a man who always put me down, he was a feeder so I was very large. He was mentally abusive, "who would want you, look at you you are ugly and fat" that's what I can remember. These things stick with you. So it might seem vain but once in a while to be told you are wanted not just because you give all the time and never take anything, just because you are adored in every single way.
Anyway (shaking my head giving it a well deserved wobble) healthy body and mind in the future.
there's nothing wrong with getting some help to deal with those feelings and that situation you used to be in.2 -
TavistockToad wrote: »BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.
:huh: in what way exactly should a woman help a man to 'be more than just an animal'??
I just mean humans have consciousness in a more profound way than other animals. We are not prisoners of our instincts. We can choose to not stare at it other people and we can choose to be more aware of those close to us.
but you said women should help men do this...? how?
I think that depends on the relationship. I think in every relationship each person should help the other to be a better person. So I don't know. But ultimately it is his (or her) own choice.0 -
I always hate being this person, but truthfully, if I were in your position, I'd leave him.
It sounds like you have low self esteem, but he isn't helping matters by gawking at other women.
I'm not saying that men/women don't look at other people, but to do it to the point that your partner notices...to actually stop chewing your food because some woman comes on that's attractive...I find that to be too much.3 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »I think it's worth noting that even the most beautiful women in the world get cheated on. Hugh Grant stepped out on Elizabeth Hurley. We're pretty sure Brad Pitt stepped out on Angelina Jolie. The list of amazingly attractive women whose b/f's or husbands were not faithful to is not a short one. If he's going to cheat on you, it likely has so very little to do with your appearance that it's really not worth beating yourself up over what you look like, especially in regards to the likelihood of being cheated on.
Very true!! Don't get me wrong I know if someone is going to cheat they will regardless. I do totally understand looks fade as you get older and you get wobbly bits that are harder to get rid of. I have had 4 children and I don't have a personal trainer or a chef to prepare healthy meals. I maybe have seen to many romance films where I want to be swooped up, looked in my eyes and told I was the one in every way, no one else will ever compare, it's me and always will be me haha jeez I'm a fool who needs medication and a good therapist.0 -
I always hate being this person, but truthfully, if I were in your position, I'd leave him.
It sounds like you have low self esteem, but he isn't helping matters by gawking at other women.
I'm not saying that men/women don't look at other people, but to do it to the point that your partner notices...to actually stop chewing your food because some woman comes on that's attractive...I find that to be too much.
It really is, I have got to the point I will not go anywhere where him. I can't and won't set myself up to feel so upset knowing he is going to do it. He drives the car with our child in and he will literally take his eyes off the road so he can stare at a woman turning his head right round like he is an owl or something. It really is so disrespectful and I feel so sad when he does it.1 -
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MeeseeksAndDestroy wrote: »Btw this isn't body shaming
Like I have said before I didn't say body shaming I said body shame, as in I feel body shame towards myself because of looking the way I do.0 -
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