My fiance keeps gaining weight !

Telton66
Telton66 Posts: 74
in Motivation and Support
when I met him he was 175 lbs but now he is up to 250 pounds. He used to be obese when he was younger and I am concerned he might be heading the same path. He eats big potions of food, eating out of boredom and little to no exercise since we moved in together. He now has a big gut and I am no longer attracted to him. I tried suggesting myfitness pal and invite him to the gym but he gets angry when I bring up his weight.

Anyone ever been in this situation?
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Replies

  • KiKiRee87
    KiKiRee87 Posts: 4
    Yes!! I was with someone a few years back who did the same thing. What does he say in defense of his weight?
  • Telton66
    Telton66 Posts: 74
    edited October 2014
    KiKiRee87 wrote: »
    Yes!! I was with someone a few years back who did the same thing. What does he say in defense of his weight?

    He just says that its touchy subject for him and he accuses me for calling him fat when I suggest he comes to gym with me. Then he does nothing about it and doesn't make an effort to get back in touch

  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,984 Member
    You can't force someone to change their habits. They need to do that on their own. If you're no longer attracted to him because of this reason, then you need to be honest with him about it.
    It's not uncommon for people to gain weight when they feel comfortable with their relationship statis. It's funny how when people split up, that they become more concerned about their weight and how they look more seriously.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • agal129
    agal129 Posts: 215 Member
    Maybe suggest that he go on walks with you? Perhaps that would get him feeling better and be more motivated to work out on his own or more often.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    The obvious thing to do is nag him. Men love that.
  • beamer0821
    beamer0821 Posts: 488 Member
    a significant weight gain (not just your holiday or vacation 5 lbs) is usually a sign of some underlying *stuff* unresolved. there is a good reason why he is not taking care of himself. that is the real question. he may not know the answer...and then you have a make a decision as well.
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  • Warchortle
    Warchortle Posts: 2,197 Member
    Dem gainzzz
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  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    Either learn to deal with it or break up.
  • moya_bleh
    moya_bleh Posts: 1,375 Member
    It's ok, he's bulking!
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    edited October 2014
    Threaten to dump him. That will give him a wake up call. I work hard to stay in shape and look good so I expect the same thing in return with my significant other
  • osothefinn
    osothefinn Posts: 163 Member
    BFDeal wrote: »
    This is why 18 year olds shouldn't get married.

    Yep, because older people never let themselves go in a relationship, or get defensive about their weight.

  • horndave
    horndave Posts: 565


    Oh the joys of being vain.
  • Christineclendaniel
    Christineclendaniel Posts: 367 Member
    edited October 2014
    Another one of these threads....in for the great comments.

    OP, this is a conversation for you and your SO, not a public forum.

    You cant make someone get healthy, they have to want it. Tell him your feellings once, he will remember and do it if he wants. It is all in the delivery of this message on if it will be taken as you calling him fat or trying to look out for his health. If you nag it will never happen and your relationship will go downhill fast.

    My 2 cents because you asked for it.
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
    horndave wrote: »

    Oh the joys of being vain.

    Wanting to be physically attracted to your SO is vanity? LAWL.

    Ok, then.
  • moya_bleh
    moya_bleh Posts: 1,375 Member
    Love him for who he is, not what he looks like! Handsomeness at all sizes!

    Oh, it doesn't apply to fellas? That's a bit sexist, isn't it readers?
  • Isabelle_1929
    Isabelle_1929 Posts: 233 Member
    horndave wrote: »

    Oh the joys of being vain.

    Well, it's not vain to want a sexual life (unless you are hyper religious, or 90 years-old - and even then ...).
  • 365andstillalive
    365andstillalive Posts: 663 Member
    I'm getting the impression you're phrasing it wrong, or maybe not using the tact you could be.

    Instead of telling him he's not attractive to you anymore, or that he should point blank join a weight loss site, why not say something like, "Hey, I found this really awesome trail. Want to come for a hike with me this weekend?" or, "I'd love to spend time doing things with you instead of watching TV, why don't we try ____(some sort of activity that isn't blatantly exercise)________?" or offer to make food for you guys and make healthier options.

    If you're putting all the onus on him, you're just making him feel bad. It's not like he miraculously didn't notice the 75lbs he's put on since you met; he's aware of them, likely self-conscious of them, and you bringing it up is likely just making him feel like you love him -- just not unconditionally.

    While you have every right not to be as attracted to him as you used to be, throwing that in his face is going to cause a screaming match, not a healthier fiance. The reality of having a partner is that, over time, you're sex life is going to take a dive and if you can't function on other forms of intimacy, you should be questioning your relationship, not his waistline.

    Good luck.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    Tanie98 wrote: »
    Threaten to dump him. That will give him a wake up call. I work hard to stay in shape and look good so I expect the same thing in return with my significant other

    Ooooooooooooor he'll find the door and walk out of it for good, which he probably should do anyway.

    *assuming this is an actual issue and not trolling
  • mz_getskinny
    mz_getskinny Posts: 258 Member
    edited October 2014
    **In sickness and in health**

    Before you take those vows, you need to be honest with him and yourself. If you truly aren't attracted to him and he doesn't want to remedy the situation, then you have to do whatever it takes to make you happy.

    However, if you flipped it around, how would you feel if you gained weight and he didn't find you attractive anymore? It's easy to say you would just jump on the weight loss train and fix it....BUT would that really be the case? Or would you be more depressed because you feel like you've failed your future spouse? You need to think hard about this and tread lightly. I'm sure he's already feeling bad about himself and you don't want to make it worse.
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    Tanie98 wrote: »
    Threaten to dump him. That will give him a wake up call. I work hard to stay in shape and look good so I expect the same thing in return with my significant other

    Ooooooooooooor he'll find the door and walk out of it for good, which he probably should do anyway.

    *assuming this is an actual issue and not trolling

    She would win if she no longer attracted to him. Quite frankly it would piss me off if my SO let themselves go just because they are in relationship with me. If I was attracted to heavy guys then I would have dated one :p

  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    moya_bleh wrote: »
    Love him for who he is, not what he looks like! Handsomeness at all sizes!

    Oh, it doesn't apply to fellas? That's a bit sexist, isn't it readers?

    You get it.

    Can you imagine how this thread would play out if the OP was male and posting about his girlfriend/fiance?

    [dumpsterfire.gif]
  • Telton66
    Telton66 Posts: 74
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    moya_bleh wrote: »
    Love him for who he is, not what he looks like! Handsomeness at all sizes!

    Oh, it doesn't apply to fellas? That's a bit sexist, isn't it readers?

    You get it.

    Can you imagine how this thread would play out if the OP was male and posting about his girlfriend/fiance

    [dumpsterfire.gif]

    How do you think it would have played out?Would I still receive positive answers if it was the other way around? :\

  • mz_getskinny
    mz_getskinny Posts: 258 Member

    How do you think it would have played out?Would I still receive positive answers if it was the other way around? :\

    [/quote]

    No...you wouldn't get positive answers by most...
  • moya_bleh
    moya_bleh Posts: 1,375 Member
    aj4m0alb8vh7.jpg
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    moya_bleh wrote: »
    Love him for who he is, not what he looks like! Handsomeness at all sizes!

    Oh, it doesn't apply to fellas? That's a bit sexist, isn't it readers?

    You get it.

    Can you imagine how this thread would play out if the OP was male and posting about his girlfriend/fiance?

    [dumpsterfire.gif]

  • dashaclaire
    dashaclaire Posts: 127 Member
    I was 5 lbs over my ideal weight when I met my fiancé during the 6 years we've been together (which has included death of his father, my mom getting cancer, losing jobs, going to school, etc etc etc) we both gained (me a bit more of course) 20ish-30ish lbs.
    He lost most of his going back to work and I am in the process of losing mine:) he used to joke that he'd "always love me if I get super fat but he wouldn't still be attracted to me" which might sound harsh but one of the things I love about my relationship is that we are both allowed to talk about anything.
    You have to be able to talk to the person you are going to marry about anything... He should want to talk to you about his weight gain, you should be his confidant and vise versa. If you don't have that: your relationship might be in more trouble than just not being attracted to him anymore.
  • ginandbitters
    ginandbitters Posts: 1
    If he took up smoking a couple of packs a day and only responded to your urging him to quit with, "Don't talk about my SMOKING. I'm sensitive about my SMOKING", you'd know where you stood. This isn't any different.

  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    Atkins800 wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    moya_bleh wrote: »
    Love him for who he is, not what he looks like! Handsomeness at all sizes!

    Oh, it doesn't apply to fellas? That's a bit sexist, isn't it readers?

    You get it.

    Can you imagine how this thread would play out if the OP was male and posting about his girlfriend/fiance

    [dumpsterfire.gif]

    How do you think it would have played out?Would I still receive positive answers if it was the other way around? :\

    You would have received almost no "positive" answers and you would have been torn apart for daring to express these thoughts...and anyone giving you a "positive" response would have been absolutely lit up. I would provide some links to previous posts as evidence, but 99.44% of those posts were mod-nuked because dumpster fire.
  • aylajane
    aylajane Posts: 979 Member
    edited October 2014
    Tanie98 wrote: »
    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    Tanie98 wrote: »
    Threaten to dump him. That will give him a wake up call. I work hard to stay in shape and look good so I expect the same thing in return with my significant other

    Ooooooooooooor he'll find the door and walk out of it for good, which he probably should do anyway.

    *assuming this is an actual issue and not trolling

    She would win if she no longer attracted to him. Quite frankly it would piss me off if my SO let themselves go just because they are in relationship with me. If I was attracted to heavy guys then I would have dated one :p

    Lol - and in 30 years when your hubby dumps you for a younger model because if he was attracted to freaky old women he would have dated one, come back and talk to us... People change - initial attaction is different, and some things we are not truly attracted to, but if you make it an ultimatum that your SO never change from how they were when you met them, you better be prepared to hold up your end of that as well. I.e. let's hope you never injure yourself, lose a beloved family member and sink into depression, etc. Life is long and full of twists - you cannot say for sure YOU would never gain weight either.

    What happens if you get in an accident and end up in a wheelchair for a while (or life)? Ok for hubby to dump you? He didnt sign up to be a caregiver... And chances are your body would change sitting in a chair round the clock - ok to dump you for that?

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