Irrational fears? Weight loss and Infidelity.
Jim_1000
Posts: 52 Member
A lot of overweight people have "good reasons" for staying overweight or rationalizations for keeping the weight on. I thought it might be interesting to explore one of them being, "If I lose a lot of weight, I'm going to be a lot more attractive and with the added attention from the opposite sex, it might affect my current relationship". Thoughts, opinions or better yet real life stories would be great to hear.
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I don't have those thoughts at all, I can only foresee improvements in my marriage based on my weight loss and health improvements. However, I suspect my husband has these fears, that it might negatively affect our relationship and my interest in others.0
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I intend to remain unattractive as I lose the weight. That way I won't have to worry about it.
Seriously, in my marriage (which is strong), that isn't even a thought. I'm losing my weight and getting fit specifically so I can be around for many many years to enjoy my family. Having kids after 40 kind of changes your perspective.0 -
You may get some strange responses to this, so be prepared! I wouldn't have known how to respond either had I not known someone with that exact same mindset.
This was many years ago, but I had a close friend who was morbidly obese. Wonderful lady, great person. She moved and we lost touch, but, she often wondered/worried out loud that if she lost weight she'd draw too much attention to herself. She was single raising two girls by herself and I think she "worried" that she'd want to date and would set a bad example for her girls. Strange line of thought. I never really understood it personally, but I know some who do.0 -
I have heard of the spouse of a somebody losing weight having such fears but I've never heard of an overweight person wanting to stay overweight for fear of being more attractive/garnering more attention from others. That's something that is hard for me to wrap my brain around. I'm certainly not getting fit in order to get attention but I don't fear it either. I'm kind of meh, or "whatever", about it (and it hasn't been an issue so it's kind of a moot point either way.)0
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Well, being fit does make being single a lot better...0
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Um, if you are concerned about yourself being unfaithful, your weight is not the only problem here. FYI, someone who picks you up when you are thin, isn't going to be any better when you are down than your current partner.
If you are concerned about your partner being unfaithful because they are more attractive, all you can do about that is recognize how hot they are and act accordingly. It works even better if you always treat them this way, no matter what they weigh.
On the other hand, sometimes couples really do have deep seated issues and the skills involved in losing significant amounts of weight give that person the emotional strength they need to finally move on. Still, infidelity is not the best way to achieve this.0 -
Assuming that your personality will be different at a different weight seems like a fallacy. Changing the outside doesn't necessarily change the inside. I was much "skinnier" in high school and most of my college years, and hardly dated at all. I was shy and quirky and more focused on doing well in school. Now I've gained weight after being married for 2.5 years, but my self-esteem hasn't gone down. I'm the same shy and quirky person I always was. A person who truly loves their spouse and is loyal at 300 lb will still love their spouse and be loyal at 150 lb. Of course there are exceptions to everything, but I think my point makes sense.0
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This sounds horribly selfish, but I'm a little bit happy that my boyfriend is out of shape, because most of the girls I know would probably steal him away from me if he was athletic.0
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I think I've stayed chubby for so long is because I'm afraid if I lost the weight, I'd get a lot of attention. I'm pretty shy so that'd be out of my comfort zone. Also, since it'd be so public, if I ended up gaining back I'd feel deeply embarrassed for failing all the people who cheered me on.0
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My husband and I motivate each other to stay fit and eat well. It raises our confidence level and does wonders in the bedroom!0
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malavika413 wrote: »This sounds horribly selfish, but I'm a little bit happy that my boyfriend is out of shape, because most of the girls I know would probably steal him away from me if he was athletic.
But those girls can't MAKE him leave you. If he's really committed to you, he wouldn't LET himself be stolen away, even if he was being constantly pursued by other women. It's not like being out of shape makes you immune to cheating or being stolen away, either. Relationships should never be based upon how desirable one thinks they are to those outside of the relationship.
Just offering a different way to look at it.0 -
Wow such honesty. You are all brave and selfless for sharing. I read about these fears in a book called "Diets Don't Work" that came out in the 80's. Very common fears. Thank you!0
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happysquidmuffin wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »This sounds horribly selfish, but I'm a little bit happy that my boyfriend is out of shape, because most of the girls I know would probably steal him away from me if he was athletic.
But those girls can't MAKE him leave you. If he's really committed to you, he wouldn't LET himself be stolen away, even if he was being constantly pursued by other women. It's not like being out of shape makes you immune to cheating or being stolen away, either. Relationships should never be based upon how desirable one thinks they are to those outside of the relationship.
Just offering a different way to look at it.
Makes sense, but when you're dating someone that could easily do better, it tends to place a lot of irrational worries in your head. I can't assume he'll be committed either. Granted, he has been so far, but I don't want to jump to conclusions by expecting long term fidelity.0 -
I think I've stayed chubby for so long is because I'm afraid if I lost the weight, I'd get a lot of attention. I'm pretty shy so that'd be out of my comfort zone. Also, since it'd be so public, if I ended up gaining back I'd feel deeply embarrassed for failing all the people who cheered me on.
I identify with this too. A friend of mine once encouraged me to do squats to work on my flat butt, but the last thing I want is a butt someone could potentially notice.0 -
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My size hasn't affected how I feel about my husband, and I know he still loves me despite the 100+ pounds I had gained since he met me.
That being said, in the last year I have lost 82 pounds. I'm still not at my goal weight, but I am getting there. Am I a different person than I was a year ago? Sure. But, regardless of if I had lost, gained, or maintained that weight, I would still be a different person. Experiences over the past year have played a part in helping me to continue to grow as a person. Losing the weight has made me feel more confident. I am happier, and no longer struggle with depression. I feel better physically, and am able to do things with my son and my husband that my size prevented me from doing a year ago.
So, am I a different person? Most definitely! Hopefully, I am a better person. Does that change how I feel about my significant other? Not at all. My size never dictated how I feel about him. Do I get more attention now? I don't know if I necessarily get more guys flirting with me or noticing me, but I do know that in general, I no longer feel invisible. I feel as if everyone sees me now, and is more willing to interact with me. It's a shame that people are like that, but it is what it is. I can't change other people, but I can change me, and that is what I decided to do.
Worrying about infidelity due to my weight loss never crossed my mind. I did think about a lot of other changes that I hoped to see, but my partner was never one of them.0 -
I think I've stayed chubby for so long is because I'm afraid if I lost the weight, I'd get a lot of attention. I'm pretty shy so that'd be out of my comfort zone.
I totally get this. I felt the same way for a long time. I'm now pretty much near my goal weight and the attention is strange. I didn't have a lot to lose either (about 30 pounds).0 -
But I'm still deeply crazy and quite obnoxious. I still have my horrid personality to keep 'em away.0
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I'm hoping it will help with my current relationship - I'm so self conscious about myself and my husband hates it. I'm just glad I knew he loved me thin then fat and at some point thin again. I don't worry about being unfaithful to him, I doubt losing weight will suddenly change my mind about my marriage.0
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I can't believe how attractive I am now that I've lost 20 lbs.
If that sounds really arrogant, well that's what you are implying here. Maybe I'm not cut up enough but so far, I haven't had any women, write their # down on their panties and fling them my way. I'm thinking maybe at 10-15% bf it will happen0 -
Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »But I'm still deeply crazy and quite obnoxious. I still have my horrid personality to keep 'em away.
I know, right?0 -
I'd totally like to get all buff like Thor but my spouse would choke on her deep fried lard-balls if she caught another woman looking at me. I prefer to stay fat so we can be miserable together.
She has a great personality and that's the ONLY thing that matters.0 -
JeffseekingV wrote: »I can't believe how attractive I am now that I've lost 20 lbs.
If that sounds really arrogant, well that's what you are implying here. Maybe I'm not cut up enough but so far, I haven't had any women, write their # down on their panties and fling them my way. I'm thinking maybe at 10-15% bf it will happen
I know, right...? I was told there would be pantehs - clearly I was misinformed.
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My husband married me at my highest weight and, honestly, has been my biggest cheerleader to getting fit and achieving my goal weight. He says that he knows he's the benefactor of my new-found confidence, so he is totally on board. Plus, we will hopefully get to have many more active years together! Of course, my husband is pretty confident in himself and our marriage, so it has more to do with him and his mindset really than it does with me.0
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JeffseekingV wrote: »I can't believe how attractive I am now that I've lost 20 lbs.
If that sounds really arrogant, well that's what you are implying here. Maybe I'm not cut up enough but so far, I haven't had any women, write their # down on their panties and fling them my way. I'm thinking maybe at 10-15% bf it will happen
Ah yes, Einstein's theory on flingativity: flingativity among flingers rises as the body fat of the flingee falls. So often forgotten due to suffering from the fatal flaw of too much alliteration.0 -
__drmerc__ wrote: »I'd rather be a thin cheater than be fat and stuck in a monogamous relationship
Based on your posts, I don't think you'll have to worry about ever being in a monogamous relationship.
As far as the OP goes - it's an interesting point. It doesn't apply to me, but I can see cases where maybe someone was sexually assaulted and used fat as a way to protect themselves. I don't think my husband is insecure about my weight loss, I'll have to ask him. There's no danger of me losing the rest of my weight, and cheating. It's just not even a thing.0 -
I was this way but my SO always voiced his fear of me leaving him for someone who shared my "new thought process"... He kept saying he wanted me to get healthy "BUT...." for years. Finally in January I started a calorie deficit, he panicked... We just got worse. I've lost 87 lbs so far. 267 lbs if you count him not being around anymore.0
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fenderman9 wrote: »A lot of overweight people have "good reasons" for staying overweight or rationalizations for keeping the weight on. I thought it might be interesting to explore one of them being, "If I lose a lot of weight, I'm going to be a lot more attractive and with the added attention from the opposite sex, it might affect my current relationship". Thoughts, opinions or better yet real life stories would be great to hear.
If you are married and think that once you lose weight you'll get a lot more attention from the opposite sex, and will therefore likely leave your spouse, I suggest you either a) get a divorce now, b) see a marriage counsellor, c) visit a shrink. There's something wrong with your self-esteem, your relationship or both.0 -
Sometimes I feel like I self sabotage myself because I already get disgusting catcalls and it only increases as I lose weight. I hate it. But infidelity no I want to look good for my partner.0
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I know someone who is In A loving relationship, but in many ways it isn't truly fulfilling to this person. It is something that has been a struggle their entire relationship. This has done two things to this person.
1) they feel jealous when anyone pays attention to their partner. because they feel they wouldn't be able to remain faithful if it happened to them.
2) each time someone comments on them looking fit, slim... They gain weight till the comments stop.0
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