Irrational fears? Weight loss and Infidelity.
Replies
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I've never been married but my personality hasn't changed much over the years. Attention at healthy weight in high school - meh. Attention being overweight in 20s - meh. Attention now, almost back at high school weight - meh. I've always been attracted to a person's mind. I can't imagine that the core of a person changes simply because they become more health conscious or athletic.0
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kelly_e_montana wrote: »I've purposefully gained weight before to help deflect unwanted attention and it works. I'm a bartender and for a time I was just sick and tired of all the overtly sexual comments. It was better to feel unattractive than like a piece of meat. I actually prefer being fat in terms of the anonymity it gives you, but the health benefits and the ability to be more active greatly outweigh the ability to "hide" behind my fat that I gave up. I've gained and lost 60 pounds 8 times over my life, so I've had a lot experience with the pros and cons of being overweight vs. being a healthy weight. For me, there were some psychological benefits to being fat. I felt like my fat protected me in that I could tell what kind of a person someone was by how they treated me. I have lots of male customers who treated me terribly when I was fat (like yelling "Did you eat everything in this bar, you fat #$%&?" when I would have to ask them not to smoke inside or something and now it's like I'm their BFF. People are fake and being fat helps cut through some of that.
I can understand this. But, I think this is different than saying "I want to stay fat so that I don't attract people so that I don't cheat in my marriage." You stayed heavy so you didn't have to deal with the hassle, this person is staying heavy so she doesn't have to take responsibility for her temptation to cheat.0 -
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kelly_e_montana wrote: »I've purposefully gained weight before to help deflect unwanted attention and it works. I'm a bartender and for a time I was just sick and tired of all the overtly sexual comments. It was better to feel unattractive than like a piece of meat. I actually prefer being fat in terms of the anonymity it gives you, but the health benefits and the ability to be more active greatly outweigh the ability to "hide" behind my fat that I gave up. I've gained and lost 60 pounds 8 times over my life, so I've had a lot experience with the pros and cons of being overweight vs. being a healthy weight. For me, there were some psychological benefits to being fat. I felt like my fat protected me in that I could tell what kind of a person someone was by how they treated me. I have lots of male customers who treated me terribly when I was fat (like yelling "Did you eat everything in this bar, you fat #$%&?" when I would have to ask them not to smoke inside or something and now it's like I'm their BFF. People are fake and being fat helps cut through some of that.
Man that's odd. I would think just wearing no makeup or dressing in really frumpy clothes would do a better job w/o having to carry extra weight to fend off insensitive pricks0 -
ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Based only on your posts, it might not be "wrong" but it is a darn shame and sounds very dysfunctional. If they love one another but don't desire one another, then why not find someone else to be "in love" with? How can you love someone (including yourself) and not want them to find that special spark? Wanting them to remain in the passionless marriage you describe doesn't sound like love.0 -
You are awfully certain that you know all the deep down thoughts, feelings and fears of other people and also that you know what goes on in people's homes when you aren't there -- and that what they tell you is 100% truthful. Must be nice to have a super power.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Unless you read minds, no you don't.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
I guarantee you they have some serious issues you don't even know about. My parents could say exactly all of this about me and while I had a good childhood in the general sense, my home life was pretty chaotic and I still wish it had been different. How I turned out isn't the point. How I lived for the first 17 years is.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
I have the knowledge needed to make the statements I made.
Do you believe there is any child that comes away from their childhood without some issues caused by the time they spent under the care of imperfect beings we call parents?
And yes I have the needed knowledge.
If you're talking about yourself, fine. But that means you have four siblings who also grew up in such an environment and you're again making assumptions you have no right to make.
Obviously, everyone has something going on and sometimes those issues can't be avoided. But modeling a dysfunctional relationship for your children for the sake of keeping a family together isn't OK.
I am sorry you were hurt, and feel your childhood was the cause of it. I am sorry you feel my statements of knowledge can't be true, but I have no need to prove their truth to you.
No one escapes this life without experiencing things out of their control that affect them on a personal level. The key is to find a way to let them teach you how to grow.0 -
ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Yes, yes it is. For several mental and physical health reasons.
But also, as another poster astutely said, being thin or fat does not automatically mean that temptation is going to come knocking or not come knocking. There is always going to be a risk of temptation happening. If a person needs to stay fat to not cheat, they need to get real with themselves and take some personal responsibility for their behavior.
They have taken personal responsibility. They do work on their fear and lose weight. They also gain when they feel too many people comment on their body. While temptation can come at any time they feel less worth the attention when heavy so are able to shrug it off.
The original reason I shared this was to say yes some people do feel this way.
OK, but that's not at all how you have presented the situation in this thread.
Read my original post and that is exactly what I was trying to get across.0 -
ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Yes, yes it is. For several mental and physical health reasons.
But also, as another poster astutely said, being thin or fat does not automatically mean that temptation is going to come knocking or not come knocking. There is always going to be a risk of temptation happening. If a person needs to stay fat to not cheat, they need to get real with themselves and take some personal responsibility for their behavior.
They have taken personal responsibility. They do work on their fear and lose weight. They also gain when they feel too many people comment on their body. While temptation can come at any time they feel less worth the attention when heavy so are able to shrug it off.
The original reason I shared this was to say yes some people do feel this way.
OK, but that's not at all how you have presented the situation in this thread.
Read my original post and that is exactly what I was trying to get across.
Right. But then you almost immediately took it to a be healthy or sacrifice your family decision.0 -
You have entirely missed my point, but I wouldn't expect anything else based on what I've read in this thread.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
You are awfully certain that you know all the deep down thoughts, feelings and fears of other people and also that you know what goes on in people's homes when you aren't there -- and that what they tell you is 100% truthful. Must be nice to have a super power.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Unless you read minds, no you don't.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
I guarantee you they have some serious issues you don't even know about. My parents could say exactly all of this about me and while I had a good childhood in the general sense, my home life was pretty chaotic and I still wish it had been different. How I turned out isn't the point. How I lived for the first 17 years is.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
I have the knowledge needed to make the statements I made.
Do you believe there is any child that comes away from their childhood without some issues caused by the time they spent under the care of imperfect beings we call parents?
And yes I have the needed knowledge.
If you're talking about yourself, fine. But that means you have four siblings who also grew up in such an environment and you're again making assumptions you have no right to make.
Obviously, everyone has something going on and sometimes those issues can't be avoided. But modeling a dysfunctional relationship for your children for the sake of keeping a family together isn't OK.
I am sorry you were hurt, and feel your childhood was the cause of it. I am sorry you feel my statements of knowledge can't be true, but I have no need to prove their truth to you.
No one escapes this life without experiencing things out of their control that affect them on a personal level. The key is to find a way to let them teach you how to grow.
Your friends have an incredibly dysfunctional and destructive relationship. That is no way to live for them or their children. That they stayed together is their business. Doesn't make it a love story, though.
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Seriously, I don't get the question ' what will you do once you reach goal?" ... we're basically still the same people, same ethics, same friendships, same loves -
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I don't suddenly see myself saying - yup, now that I'm 120 lbs - I'm gonna become a crack ho.e... or a prostitute ... or the sudden general urge to wild party and random senseless sexual partners...
I'm not an exhuberant personality. I'm still the girl who likes to read, write, cuddles with my cats, watch the Voice... I don't see that changing. Doesn't matter what size I am - My interests are still pretty much solitary and happily so.
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Based only on your posts, it might not be "wrong" but it is a darn shame and sounds very dysfunctional. If they love one another but don't desire one another, then why not find someone else to be "in love" with? How can you love someone (including yourself) and not want them to find that special spark? Wanting them to remain in the passionless marriage you describe doesn't sound like love.
Unfortunately this goes back to their marriage vows. If there was something that was truly abusive or dangerous divorce would be ok, but because there is love and caring feelings, just not sparks, they don't see it as a reason.0 -
ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Based only on your posts, it might not be "wrong" but it is a darn shame and sounds very dysfunctional. If they love one another but don't desire one another, then why not find someone else to be "in love" with? How can you love someone (including yourself) and not want them to find that special spark? Wanting them to remain in the passionless marriage you describe doesn't sound like love.
Unfortunately this goes back to their marriage vows. If there was something that was truly abusive or dangerous divorce would be ok, but because there is love and caring feelings, just not sparks, they don't see it as a reason.
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Based only on your posts, it might not be "wrong" but it is a darn shame and sounds very dysfunctional. If they love one another but don't desire one another, then why not find someone else to be "in love" with? How can you love someone (including yourself) and not want them to find that special spark? Wanting them to remain in the passionless marriage you describe doesn't sound like love.
Unfortunately this goes back to their marriage vows. If there was something that was truly abusive or dangerous divorce would be ok, but because there is love and caring feelings, just not sparks, they don't see it as a reason.
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
I still don't see how it has to be one or the other.0 -
kelly_e_montana wrote: »I've purposefully gained weight before to help deflect unwanted attention and it works. I'm a bartender and for a time I was just sick and tired of all the overtly sexual comments. It was better to feel unattractive than like a piece of meat. I actually prefer being fat in terms of the anonymity it gives you, but the health benefits and the ability to be more active greatly outweigh the ability to "hide" behind my fat that I gave up. I've gained and lost 60 pounds 8 times over my life, so I've had a lot experience with the pros and cons of being overweight vs. being a healthy weight. For me, there were some psychological benefits to being fat. I felt like my fat protected me in that I could tell what kind of a person someone was by how they treated me. I have lots of male customers who treated me terribly when I was fat (like yelling "Did you eat everything in this bar, you fat #$%&?" when I would have to ask them not to smoke inside or something and now it's like I'm their BFF. People are fake and being fat helps cut through some of that.
You don't have to be fat to find who the jerks are. You could easily hear them saying those rude comments to someone else while you are thin, healthy, and comfortable. You still get to be healthy and happy and still get to find out who the jerks are. I've been heavy and thin and in both cases I could find out who the jerks were just by listening and paying attention to how they treat others even if they were very kind to me. Fat/Thin is not the only place this matters. If you are perceived as rich or powerful in your general surroundings being keen to how people treat others even if they are only telling you what you want to hear exposes those jerks as well. There are plenty of reasons for people to be fake nice to you and sell it! If you are overweight for just this reason alone it's not necessary and filtering through jerks faster than you otherwise would is not a good enough reason to subject yourself to verbal abuse from customers. The benefits do not outweigh the risks IMHO.
0 -
^halp! I can't fix the quotes...ugh.
0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Based only on your posts, it might not be "wrong" but it is a darn shame and sounds very dysfunctional. If they love one another but don't desire one another, then why not find someone else to be "in love" with? How can you love someone (including yourself) and not want them to find that special spark? Wanting them to remain in the passionless marriage you describe doesn't sound like love.
Unfortunately this goes back to their marriage vows. If there was something that was truly abusive or dangerous divorce would be ok, but because there is love and caring feelings, just not sparks, they don't see it as a reason.
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
I still don't see how it has to be one or the other.
I would imagine it's a religion thing. Most religions have rules about breaking marriage vows and some are pretty strict.0 -
You have entirely missed my point, but I wouldn't expect anything else based on what I've read in this thread.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
You are awfully certain that you know all the deep down thoughts, feelings and fears of other people and also that you know what goes on in people's homes when you aren't there -- and that what they tell you is 100% truthful. Must be nice to have a super power.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Unless you read minds, no you don't.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
I guarantee you they have some serious issues you don't even know about. My parents could say exactly all of this about me and while I had a good childhood in the general sense, my home life was pretty chaotic and I still wish it had been different. How I turned out isn't the point. How I lived for the first 17 years is.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
I have the knowledge needed to make the statements I made.
Do you believe there is any child that comes away from their childhood without some issues caused by the time they spent under the care of imperfect beings we call parents?
And yes I have the needed knowledge.
If you're talking about yourself, fine. But that means you have four siblings who also grew up in such an environment and you're again making assumptions you have no right to make.
Obviously, everyone has something going on and sometimes those issues can't be avoided. But modeling a dysfunctional relationship for your children for the sake of keeping a family together isn't OK.
I am sorry you were hurt, and feel your childhood was the cause of it. I am sorry you feel my statements of knowledge can't be true, but I have no need to prove their truth to you.
No one escapes this life without experiencing things out of their control that affect them on a personal level. The key is to find a way to let them teach you how to grow.
Your friends have an incredibly dysfunctional and destructive relationship. That is no way to live for them or their children. That they stayed together is their business. Doesn't make it a love story, though.
It is your right to see it how you want given your personal life experiences. Be well!Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Based only on your posts, it might not be "wrong" but it is a darn shame and sounds very dysfunctional. If they love one another but don't desire one another, then why not find someone else to be "in love" with? How can you love someone (including yourself) and not want them to find that special spark? Wanting them to remain in the passionless marriage you describe doesn't sound like love.
Unfortunately this goes back to their marriage vows. If there was something that was truly abusive or dangerous divorce would be ok, but because there is love and caring feelings, just not sparks, they don't see it as a reason.
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
Health isn't a real issue this person is 5'10ish and fluctuates between 160ish-180ish.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
do you even realize how judgmental you sound? They love each other and place a high value on the marriage vows they exchanged. You don't have to approve but the judgment is not needed or helpful.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
Yes that's exactly what I said.
I am a divorced mother of three and I can guarantee you my children are much better off than they would be if their father and I were still in our dysfunctional, unhappy marriage. Now he and I can have actual conversations and make mutual decisions regarding our children without it turning into an instant battle. If others want to "hold the family together" no matter what, more power to them. I personally think sometimes people shouldn't be together and should make responsible decisions for their kids that sometimes include 1. choosing to be healthy and/or 2. not being in an unhappy relationship.
I admire your strength to make that separation, that is a hard choice! I just hope you understand sometimes people chose the opposite, and deserve the same admiration for their dedication to their person values.
Or....
They should get some serious couples therapy so that don't have to life this way. It's not so black and white. This is such an unhealthy approach to relationships, family and personal health I would be concerned for the kids. They are going to learn from this behavior and repeat it, which is terrible.
The kids are strong successful adults who love their mother and father dearly.
Every one of them(5 in total) is healthy, and while they had their issues with relationships when they were younger(who doesn't) they are all in healthy and happy relationships now.
You are correct it isn't black and white which is why judging someone by your values is just silly.
So what family are they exactly holding together now then? If the adults are all well adjusted, why not just move on be happy.
But, hey, there are actually a lot of people enjoy suffering.
It's actually a fact. There are people in the world who prefer to suffer. It's a thing.
I'm not judging, I'm discussing. You posted this on an internet forum. We discuss things here. People have opinions. Calm down.
Good for them for placing a high value on their vows. I still believe that the fact that they have to make a decision between health and staying together is B.S. If they were that committed to each other, and if they loved each other that much, they would be in some sort of therapy to get to a better solution. It's BECAUSE they love each other that they should do that. Otherwise, they want the problem, not the solution, and they are using their vows as an excuse to do that.
Yes there are those who enjoy suffering. But the flippant statement at the end of your post emphasized the mocking and judgmental tone.
You say things aren't black and white, but you clearly have made a black and white judgment on this person and their situation based on your beliefs. It's ok it is hard to remove your personal beliefs when discussing things you feel strongly against.
Wut? You are reading way to much into this. And you are reading a tone that isn't really there in the way you think it is.
Let me ask you something - are you talking about yourself? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you are taking what I'm saying so personally. Honestly, what are you hoping to get out of this thread?
I have not made a judgement on anyone. I have simply stated that if two people love each other so much that they will stay together in this situation, then they should love each other enough try to resolve those issues so that they can both be healthy and happy. If they do not make that effort, then they are choosing to live with the problem. Because it is, in fact, a problem to want to stay heavy simply for the reason of avoiding infidelity.
It is not me, but someone I do care about very deeply. The reason for the unfulfillment in the relationship isn't abuse of any kind but a lack of intimate spark or attraction. They love each other beyond measure, but this person knows if someone they sparked with found them attractive the temptation to cheat may be more than they could conquer. Is it really so wrong to take steps to keep temptation from knocking?
Based only on your posts, it might not be "wrong" but it is a darn shame and sounds very dysfunctional. If they love one another but don't desire one another, then why not find someone else to be "in love" with? How can you love someone (including yourself) and not want them to find that special spark? Wanting them to remain in the passionless marriage you describe doesn't sound like love.
Unfortunately this goes back to their marriage vows. If there was something that was truly abusive or dangerous divorce would be ok, but because there is love and caring feelings, just not sparks, they don't see it as a reason.
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
I still don't see how it has to be one or the other.
I would imagine it's a religion thing. Most religions have rules about breaking marriage vows and some are pretty strict.
No, I'm saying they shouldn't have to choose between marriage and health. If they must stay together, they should be seeking professional help to deal with this unhealthy dynamic. And, if they don't want to do that, then they should take some personal responsibility for their behavior so that if they do get hit on because they look better, they don't cheat.0 -
kelly_e_montana wrote: »I've purposefully gained weight before to help deflect unwanted attention and it works. I'm a bartender and for a time I was just sick and tired of all the overtly sexual comments. It was better to feel unattractive than like a piece of meat. I actually prefer being fat in terms of the anonymity it gives you, but the health benefits and the ability to be more active greatly outweigh the ability to "hide" behind my fat that I gave up. I've gained and lost 60 pounds 8 times over my life, so I've had a lot experience with the pros and cons of being overweight vs. being a healthy weight. For me, there were some psychological benefits to being fat. I felt like my fat protected me in that I could tell what kind of a person someone was by how they treated me. I have lots of male customers who treated me terribly when I was fat (like yelling "Did you eat everything in this bar, you fat #$%&?" when I would have to ask them not to smoke inside or something and now it's like I'm their BFF. People are fake and being fat helps cut through some of that.
I can understand this. But, I think this is different than saying "I want to stay fat so that I don't attract people so that I don't cheat in my marriage." You stayed heavy so you didn't have to deal with the hassle, this person is staying heavy so she doesn't have to take responsibility for her temptation to cheat.
It is different. The OP asked people to post their own irrational fears or reasons for staying overweight. I expect lots of different thought processes and scenarios based on her request.
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ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
Health isn't a real issue this person is 5'10ish and fluctuates between 160ish-180ish.
This doesn't make much sense. If they are only gaining a few lbs how would that make them undesirable to the opposite sex, which is apparently the goal? But health is not only about weight. What you describe is not healthy.0 -
I spent years being large, and on thinking why - I believe that I did not like attention. As a child, I absolutely hated when someone would point out how cute my dimples were.
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I'm very shy and prefer to be in the background and not the center of attention.
But, here I am, 46 years old and I need to consider the health factors of continuing to be heavy. So, I'm losing - and I haven't decided how I'll handle the attention yet that may come from being lighter, and cute (cause I am)... but I'll have to learn to deal with it.
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I know a few women that tall and they're still pretty dam hot at 180 pounds.Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
Health isn't a real issue this person is 5'10ish and fluctuates between 160ish-180ish.
This doesn't make much sense. If they are only gaining a few lbs how would that make them undesirable to the opposite sex, which is apparently the goal? But health is not only about weight. What you describe is not healthy.
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OP is talking about irrational fears. Why are we trying to make them rational?0
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I know a few women that tall and they're still pretty dam hot at 180 pounds.Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
Health isn't a real issue this person is 5'10ish and fluctuates between 160ish-180ish.
This doesn't make much sense. If they are only gaining a few lbs how would that make them undesirable to the opposite sex, which is apparently the goal? But health is not only about weight. What you describe is not healthy.
Exactly. I'm several inches shorter and only a few pounds lighter and while I don't consider myself 'hot', I get more attention from men than I really care for.0 -
I'm already a killer with the ladies. I'm getting swole so I can get the guys lustin' after me too.0
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
Health isn't a real issue this person is 5'10ish and fluctuates between 160ish-180ish.
This doesn't make much sense. If they are only gaining a few lbs how would that make them undesirable to the opposite sex, which is apparently the goal? But health is not only about weight. What you describe is not healthy.
But when this person is heavier they are able to dismiss compliments while when they look leaner or more fit they find them uncomfortable. Their insecurity has nothing to do with how others think of them and everything to do with how they feel.0 -
JeffseekingV wrote: »kelly_e_montana wrote: »I've purposefully gained weight before to help deflect unwanted attention and it works. I'm a bartender and for a time I was just sick and tired of all the overtly sexual comments. It was better to feel unattractive than like a piece of meat. I actually prefer being fat in terms of the anonymity it gives you, but the health benefits and the ability to be more active greatly outweigh the ability to "hide" behind my fat that I gave up. I've gained and lost 60 pounds 8 times over my life, so I've had a lot experience with the pros and cons of being overweight vs. being a healthy weight. For me, there were some psychological benefits to being fat. I felt like my fat protected me in that I could tell what kind of a person someone was by how they treated me. I have lots of male customers who treated me terribly when I was fat (like yelling "Did you eat everything in this bar, you fat #$%&?" when I would have to ask them not to smoke inside or something and now it's like I'm their BFF. People are fake and being fat helps cut through some of that.
Man that's odd. I would think just wearing no makeup or dressing in really frumpy clothes would do a better job w/o having to carry extra weight to fend off insensitive pricks
I used to go to this bar where the bartender was topless. She was a great looking older gal too, maybe 34?35? (To be fair, I was 24, that WAS older back then.) So one day, I asked her why she went guns hot on the daily at work.
She said it was because she was getting inappropriate comments about her looks when she was clothed, once she went free, tips increased and people became more polite.
then she told me she bought the parrot because she liked pirates.0 -
JeffseekingV wrote: »
... you're killing me. By any chance have you seen the season finale of Silicon Valley? There's a skit that comes to mind.0
This discussion has been closed.
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