Some thoughts on "Starting Over"
kcd1961
Posts: 126 Member
Starting Over
Since starting to use MFP – I have noticed a steady stream of people writing “starting over” posts. They tell the age old story of “I tried and failed, now I'm trying again”. There is often an unhealthy dose of self-flagellation – as if beating up on yourself is actually going to help. There is often the plea of, “Help, I need motivation.” I've wanted to respond with something more helpful than the useful mix of “Welcome back, you can do it” and “Tough Love” meted out by the majority. So this is my attempt to answer the “starting over” post.
But first some background. I've always struggled with weight – not in the supersize category – but enough to be unhealthy. I'm now 53 and have had ME/CFS for almost 25 years. My worst weight gain actually started in the lead up to ME/CFS and peaked at 109kg – maybe higher – I didn't weigh at that stage. At that time the mantra was “exercise” - which is a bit of a problem with ME/CFS. But with Atkins I managed to reach 92kg – but it was not sustainable for me – and I crept back up to 103kg. Interestingly the increased protein and vegetable intake did seem to improve my capacity a little. Several years later I saw Michael Mosley's “Eat, Fast and Live Longer” documentary – and it made sense – especially as hunger and insulin resistance were big problems for me. The maths convinced me that while exercise is helpful, it's really primarily about the intake. It also offered the opportunity to “eat what I like”, most of the time. I got back down to 91kg fairly easily without tracking, but got stuck for a year despite switching to 4:3. However, I did maintain for a year and that alone was a huge success. It was then that I “bit the bullet” and started tracking using MFP – and sure enough the weight loss started again and I switched back to 5:2. My day job is as a counsellor, so I work with people struggling to overcome all types of lifestyle issues – and “starting over” is normal. So for all you “Starting overs” - here's my perspective. I hope you find it helpful.
Relapse is normal – The average person making a serious lifestyle change, will fail around 7 times before succeeding. When you fail, you can berate yourself for being weak and stupid, or you can use the “failure” as an opportunity to discover barriers that need to be overcome. Actually you can do both, just don't omit the second.
Write Down What Works – Each time you have a period of success, even briefly, it shows that you can actually do what is required. When you start over – make a list of the things you KNOW from your experience, work – even if only for a limited time. They are clues for how to proceed.
What DOESN'T work – Also make a list of the things you have tried that DON'T work. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But be careful about what you define as “not working”. For example – aiming for 1kg of weight loss per week – means a very restrictive calorie intake (around 500 calories less – every day of every week) compared to 0.5 kg weekly. Many people simply cannot sustain that. But that doesn't mean deficit eating doesn't work. It means a BIG, SUSTAINED deficit does not work for you.
What derails you? For every failure, there is usually a small range of events that lead to abandoning a plan that is working. They may be external – e.g. Walking past the Krispy Creme shop. They may be internal events, thoughts or sensations– i.e. the thought, “This is too hard, I can't stand it” the sensation of hunger, or the feeling of low mood or motivation. Succeeding means finding a way to address these barriers. If you know – write a list – in two columns – one for external events and one for internal events. If not...
Get better at noticing – Part of overcoming barriers is learning to spot them before you actually commit to an unhelpful response (like placing the apple pie with cream in your mouth). A helpful skill is “Mindfulness” - being able to tune into the present moment without judgement. Being able to STOP, step back, observe your thoughts and feelings without impulsively reacting is critical to success. Most people fail because of an impulsive response to a trigger, and the chain of self-defeating behaviour that follows. I have included some examples of potentially helpful Mindfulness exercises.
Mindfulness of thoughts -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iVRyXFMww8
Mindfulness of emotions -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00DeAwXuneE
Mindfulness and weight loss - http://www.excelatlife.com/downloads.htm#weight
If you don't like the voices, then keep Googling until you find a script and a voice you feel comfortable with. Mindfulness requires regular practice to develop the skill, but the real power lies in being able to apply the skills you learn in practice, to the real life situation when emotions, sensations or thoughts start to overwhelm your resolve.
Minimise the damage – One “failure” is never a cause for serious concern. Even if you eat 3000 calories in a sitting (pretty hard to do) – you will gain .5 kg and delay your goal by one week. It is the ongoing overeating and avoidance of healthy activity that leads to “square one”. So if you fall off the wagon, get back on NOW – not tomorrow.
Face your demons – At some stage in your journey – it is helpful to mindfully expose yourself to the “enemy”. Train your “willpower” in small steps. So try a day of not eating (but drink water). Mindfully observe your body and record your hunger out of 10 every hour. What did you notice? What thoughts showed up? Go into the bakery and buy your favourite treat. Cut it in half, throw half in the rubbish bin and eat the remainder slowly and mindfully. What did you notice? Spend some time each day paying attention to your thoughts and feelings about food and weight loss, writing them down in a journal or on a scrap of paper. Start with small, manageable exposures and build up. If you don't trust yourself, do it with an accountability buddy.
If you need to – log it. For a long time I believed, “It is too hard to lose weight – every time I get to 90kg, my body rebels, my metabolism shuts down, and the cycle begins again”. The promise of 5:2 was that by fasting, I would adapt to hunger and actually eat less on my non-fast days. Non-fast days would prevent my metabolism “shutting down”. Well that worked for a while, then stopped. I thought it was my metabolism – but then I started logging. What became crystal clear, was that I was a victim of “behavioural creep” - or cheating. A gradual increase in portion size and between meal snacks and a shift to higher density foods. I only started to lose weight again when I logged accurately and weighed my food. Fortunately, MFP makes this as easy as it is going to get. But it is still a pain. You will need to allocate 2-10 minutes a day entering your food and exercise. Every now and then, you will need to enter a recipe and calculate portions. Your mind will say “It's too hard. Do I have to do this for the rest of my life? I can't stand it”. Thank your mind for those thoughts, and get logging.
Replace rather than eliminate – Rather than focusing on “getting rid of” - calories, or specific foods, think in terms of replacing. Ask what would be a healthier choice...based on your experience, not some guru, academic or author with a book to sell...remember, a smaller portion is still a healthier choice. Delaying for 15 minutes is also a healthier choice.
Let experience be your guide – There is a raft of controversy about calories in/calories out, the relative merits of fat/carbohydrate/protein and the complex relationships between food, neurobiology and behaviour (http://journals.cambridge.org/images/fileUpload/documents/PHN2014-007802_1.pdf)
By all means, read the various theories, but base your beliefs and plans on your experience. What foods genuinely satisfy you? Which ones just lead to hunger and overeating? What pattern of eating works best for you? Don't be surprised if something works for a while and then something changes and it stops working. However there are some things that seem more helpful than others http://www.womenshealthmag.com/weight-loss/successful-weight-loss-habits Try them and see if they work for you.
My journey is not yet over, and I might need to start over, once again. If I do, then I have learned a few more helpful things like - “I can stand hunger for a day”, “The sensation I often interpret as hunger is not satisfied by eating” and “Logging works”. If I do slip up and need to reboot, I might use my favourite motivational saying. “You don't have to get it right, you just have to get it started” (Mike Littman). Maybe that will work for you too?
Since starting to use MFP – I have noticed a steady stream of people writing “starting over” posts. They tell the age old story of “I tried and failed, now I'm trying again”. There is often an unhealthy dose of self-flagellation – as if beating up on yourself is actually going to help. There is often the plea of, “Help, I need motivation.” I've wanted to respond with something more helpful than the useful mix of “Welcome back, you can do it” and “Tough Love” meted out by the majority. So this is my attempt to answer the “starting over” post.
But first some background. I've always struggled with weight – not in the supersize category – but enough to be unhealthy. I'm now 53 and have had ME/CFS for almost 25 years. My worst weight gain actually started in the lead up to ME/CFS and peaked at 109kg – maybe higher – I didn't weigh at that stage. At that time the mantra was “exercise” - which is a bit of a problem with ME/CFS. But with Atkins I managed to reach 92kg – but it was not sustainable for me – and I crept back up to 103kg. Interestingly the increased protein and vegetable intake did seem to improve my capacity a little. Several years later I saw Michael Mosley's “Eat, Fast and Live Longer” documentary – and it made sense – especially as hunger and insulin resistance were big problems for me. The maths convinced me that while exercise is helpful, it's really primarily about the intake. It also offered the opportunity to “eat what I like”, most of the time. I got back down to 91kg fairly easily without tracking, but got stuck for a year despite switching to 4:3. However, I did maintain for a year and that alone was a huge success. It was then that I “bit the bullet” and started tracking using MFP – and sure enough the weight loss started again and I switched back to 5:2. My day job is as a counsellor, so I work with people struggling to overcome all types of lifestyle issues – and “starting over” is normal. So for all you “Starting overs” - here's my perspective. I hope you find it helpful.
Relapse is normal – The average person making a serious lifestyle change, will fail around 7 times before succeeding. When you fail, you can berate yourself for being weak and stupid, or you can use the “failure” as an opportunity to discover barriers that need to be overcome. Actually you can do both, just don't omit the second.
Write Down What Works – Each time you have a period of success, even briefly, it shows that you can actually do what is required. When you start over – make a list of the things you KNOW from your experience, work – even if only for a limited time. They are clues for how to proceed.
What DOESN'T work – Also make a list of the things you have tried that DON'T work. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But be careful about what you define as “not working”. For example – aiming for 1kg of weight loss per week – means a very restrictive calorie intake (around 500 calories less – every day of every week) compared to 0.5 kg weekly. Many people simply cannot sustain that. But that doesn't mean deficit eating doesn't work. It means a BIG, SUSTAINED deficit does not work for you.
What derails you? For every failure, there is usually a small range of events that lead to abandoning a plan that is working. They may be external – e.g. Walking past the Krispy Creme shop. They may be internal events, thoughts or sensations– i.e. the thought, “This is too hard, I can't stand it” the sensation of hunger, or the feeling of low mood or motivation. Succeeding means finding a way to address these barriers. If you know – write a list – in two columns – one for external events and one for internal events. If not...
Get better at noticing – Part of overcoming barriers is learning to spot them before you actually commit to an unhelpful response (like placing the apple pie with cream in your mouth). A helpful skill is “Mindfulness” - being able to tune into the present moment without judgement. Being able to STOP, step back, observe your thoughts and feelings without impulsively reacting is critical to success. Most people fail because of an impulsive response to a trigger, and the chain of self-defeating behaviour that follows. I have included some examples of potentially helpful Mindfulness exercises.
Mindfulness of thoughts -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iVRyXFMww8Mindfulness of emotions -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00DeAwXuneEMindfulness and weight loss - http://www.excelatlife.com/downloads.htm#weight
If you don't like the voices, then keep Googling until you find a script and a voice you feel comfortable with. Mindfulness requires regular practice to develop the skill, but the real power lies in being able to apply the skills you learn in practice, to the real life situation when emotions, sensations or thoughts start to overwhelm your resolve.
Minimise the damage – One “failure” is never a cause for serious concern. Even if you eat 3000 calories in a sitting (pretty hard to do) – you will gain .5 kg and delay your goal by one week. It is the ongoing overeating and avoidance of healthy activity that leads to “square one”. So if you fall off the wagon, get back on NOW – not tomorrow.
Face your demons – At some stage in your journey – it is helpful to mindfully expose yourself to the “enemy”. Train your “willpower” in small steps. So try a day of not eating (but drink water). Mindfully observe your body and record your hunger out of 10 every hour. What did you notice? What thoughts showed up? Go into the bakery and buy your favourite treat. Cut it in half, throw half in the rubbish bin and eat the remainder slowly and mindfully. What did you notice? Spend some time each day paying attention to your thoughts and feelings about food and weight loss, writing them down in a journal or on a scrap of paper. Start with small, manageable exposures and build up. If you don't trust yourself, do it with an accountability buddy.
If you need to – log it. For a long time I believed, “It is too hard to lose weight – every time I get to 90kg, my body rebels, my metabolism shuts down, and the cycle begins again”. The promise of 5:2 was that by fasting, I would adapt to hunger and actually eat less on my non-fast days. Non-fast days would prevent my metabolism “shutting down”. Well that worked for a while, then stopped. I thought it was my metabolism – but then I started logging. What became crystal clear, was that I was a victim of “behavioural creep” - or cheating. A gradual increase in portion size and between meal snacks and a shift to higher density foods. I only started to lose weight again when I logged accurately and weighed my food. Fortunately, MFP makes this as easy as it is going to get. But it is still a pain. You will need to allocate 2-10 minutes a day entering your food and exercise. Every now and then, you will need to enter a recipe and calculate portions. Your mind will say “It's too hard. Do I have to do this for the rest of my life? I can't stand it”. Thank your mind for those thoughts, and get logging.
Replace rather than eliminate – Rather than focusing on “getting rid of” - calories, or specific foods, think in terms of replacing. Ask what would be a healthier choice...based on your experience, not some guru, academic or author with a book to sell...remember, a smaller portion is still a healthier choice. Delaying for 15 minutes is also a healthier choice.
Let experience be your guide – There is a raft of controversy about calories in/calories out, the relative merits of fat/carbohydrate/protein and the complex relationships between food, neurobiology and behaviour (http://journals.cambridge.org/images/fileUpload/documents/PHN2014-007802_1.pdf)
By all means, read the various theories, but base your beliefs and plans on your experience. What foods genuinely satisfy you? Which ones just lead to hunger and overeating? What pattern of eating works best for you? Don't be surprised if something works for a while and then something changes and it stops working. However there are some things that seem more helpful than others http://www.womenshealthmag.com/weight-loss/successful-weight-loss-habits Try them and see if they work for you.
My journey is not yet over, and I might need to start over, once again. If I do, then I have learned a few more helpful things like - “I can stand hunger for a day”, “The sensation I often interpret as hunger is not satisfied by eating” and “Logging works”. If I do slip up and need to reboot, I might use my favourite motivational saying. “You don't have to get it right, you just have to get it started” (Mike Littman). Maybe that will work for you too?
Tagged:
258
Replies
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Very well written and thoughtful post.3
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Thank you for the great post..2
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Great post. I think it's important to acknowledge why you're back where you are, but also to keep focus on today. Enough good "todays" strung together equal a great future.5
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Excellent post! I'm not sure about the not eating for a day, then eating half of your favorite treat but otherwise appreciate the advice.
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Thanks for your great reminders!!!!
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Nice post.0
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Thank you for the great post!! 0
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I've been "punishing" myself the past couple of months, but everything you've written makes sense. No more of that.
I needed to read this today, so - thanks.
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I like this.1
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I've been here since Sept/2013 and I think a lot of what you say makes sense and may be helpful to people. What bothers me is that so many people here don't really seem to be trying. They string a couple of good days together, call it success, look for approval, and then go right back to the habits that got them in trouble in the first place. And then a week, month or year later, they realize what they've done and do the same thing all over again.
I'm not sure most of us are as reflective about our behavior as you assume.
It scares me a little when I read all the starting over threads. I'm hoping it's scared me enough that I won't have to start one myself in a year or two.
Good luck on your weight loss and health improvement.................it means the world to be healthy and fit. That's enough for me right now.
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Love it! Thanks.0
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I'm a newbie here but not to weight losing. What the OP says makesa lot of sense, especially the paragraph about relapse. I appreciate reflective posts, they are so much more help to reader and poster alike. Thank you.0
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Very well written. Thank you so much. This is so helpful for me.0
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Love this post - it is a great reminder that even our failures can provide a valuable stepping stone toward our future success. The introspection described in your post is something that I think most of us could/should improve upon in order to increase our odds of long-term success.
(I'm not skipping eating for a day though!)
Cheers!0 -
It was actually encouraging to read that most people take 7 tries. It reminded me that I'm not alone and the fact that I've tried, failed, and am back at it, means that it will (most likely) stick, eventually. It's okay to backtrack. I just need the reminder and self discipline to go at it again, and again until I make the necessary changes to not only lose weight but make real life changes. Habits are hard to break but if I keep trying long term success can be mine. Thank you for the insight, statistics, and inspiration to change how I go about it. I already changed my weight loss goal from 1 pound per week to 1/2 pound and I feel like that might really help me.5
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This is the most well reasoned post I have read in a long time. Its a marathon, not a sprint. I appreciate you taking time out of your day to write this6
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This post was just what I needed to read after a discouraging holiday gain.1
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what a great post. I have put down below my answers to some of those points, incase anyone else is interested or it resonates. I am starting over, yet again. I have had several weight loss successes in my life and then life got in the way and I gained the weight back on.
Relapse
This particular relapse was slow in the making. I lost 15 kilos (about 30 pounds) before I hit 40 years old as a goal. I felt amazing and skiied my first blue run and was really fit and strong.
The following year I was still the same weight, but fell badly on the same run and was injured.
The subsequent surgeries destroyed my confidence and happiness as I became depressed and was in pain constantly. The surgeon kept telling me to "rehab out of it" ."it" turned out to be a screw sitting behind the kneecap - as a result of a botched surgery. I have had 3 additional surgeries, and now have very little cartilage in the joint and am looking down the barrel of a replacement knee.
Also at the same time my business became more and more stressful, and I also needed spinal surgery to fix a numb arm caused by cervical spondylosis and stenosis and needed a cervical laminectomy to free the nerves to my arm.
I Went on a weight loss challenge and got under 70kg, but went to Paris and ate myself silly (I don't regret a bite though) and my weight went back up.
Recently I sold my company and took a full time job, which was very stressful, and the place that I was working was hugely toxic and just awful, and the cupboards directly outside my office stored wholesale sweets/candy (long story) and so I ate sugar for comfort.
I ended up getting "let go" as I was a "bad fit", despite working 70-80 hours a week and doing all that was asked and more. I was a round peg in a square hole. They gave me one weeks' notice and made me leave immediately, which is just awful for someone in management, as it is not easy to find jobs at this level, and takes time. I'd not done anything wrong, they just didn't want to pay my salary. Again I turned to food, chocolate mainly. I was pretty devastated. So the weight really crept up more, and I stepped on the scales 2 weeks ago heavier than ever.
That's my relapse story.
Write Down What Works
In the past what has worked for me is portion controlled diets such as "Lite'n'Easy" or tracking my food with programs such as weight watchers. I also find that if I do not snack or after dinner, if I refrain from consuming the empty calories of alcohol, if I cut out sugar (processed) and if I do at least 30 minutes of exercise per day, I lose weight at a steady rate. I stay inspired and motivated on Pinterest and use forums like this instead of snacking and drinking wine.
What DOESN'T work
If I am too restrictive, such as cutting out all carbs or dairy, I fail. Detox fasting also doesn't work for me as I end up binge eating the wrong foods in reaction. I also have to be careful as I had an eating disorder 20 years ago so I need to be moderate and healthy, focusing on health and fitness. I also have to be careful due to my injuries, not to train too hard so I have to stop altogether.
What derails you?
If I drink alcohol my willpower is thrown out the window, and I turn to salty, fatty and or sweet foods, in significant quantities. I prefer not to drink during weight loss efforts as i'd rather lose weight than drink. I also turn to food when I become stressed, so I need to look into alternative methods for dealing with anxiety or solve the reasons for the stress ( for example, I shouldn't have taken that job, as I had a feeling that the owners were crazy from the start but I didn't trust my instincts, so I ended up not in control of my own career - tough lesson). Next job I take I will consider the culture very carefully to ensure I am not walking into a hornets' nest.
Now I am on the wagon again, looking for a new job, exercising daily, getting my knee looked at by a fresh surgeon's eyes and tracking, using this site, and finding ways to keep this journey integrated, moving in the right direction. I am starting over in my job and in my body. I feel positive and healthier (although once my thighs stop rubbing together I will feel better).
That's my story of "starting over", if it helps anyone else or resonates, let me know or comment : )21 -
bump to save for later1
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Hard to find people who will invest their 'time' for no reason at all but to be helpful to others. Thank you so much for your insight, time and consideration!5
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Gees what an amazing post. I like the mindfulness of it all -great Law of Attraction.0
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Great post, Thank you!2
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This was helpful. Thank you.
It's more than eating as we now know.
My emotions got in my way and I didn't even know it. I lost my husband, then his family walked away since we didn't have children and not of their religion. My family is just too busy to notice, they have their own life not really much difference than before but now I was alone and I noticed.
I found myself slowing losing all the good things that I had. The economy took a turn for the worst and so did I. The weight came on and it made me feel even worst.
I tried everything including weight training for 6 months 2hrs a day , Jenny Craig, on and on, I went up and down but never down enough that I felt great so I got discouraged.
Food was the most luxury item I could afford now but it kept me from being my best.
I realize looking back that being overweight and carrying this emotion allowed me to make decisions I wouldn't have earlier. It changed my life into spinning in circles. Just to be clear, I went to every grieving counseling that was available to me and that should have been enough. But it wasn't.
I think about how I was before and I want that. Just to be happy and laugh with ease. You can't feel bad or have a low opinion of yourself and have that happen.
So, I choose not to be in a state of mind of disappointment. I take noticed when I feel I am going down that path and think about how to stop it. How can I make that change ... maybe music, or looking at Pinterest ...anything to change my thinking.
The same thing with food - after a few bites the great taste goes away and now it's just an action. A comfortable one but not really the pleasure it was earlier but why do I not stop?
I have to not only change my thinking but change how I go about my routine.
I still have hope.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your story and information.
They help me keep on track!8 -
Totally makes sense. As a relapser myself and about to go into maintenance again I have come to a lot of the same conclusions. I've been thinking about strategies to have more success this time. Thanks for the post- I think I just might print it out for my own reminders!0
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Thanks for your post. I've also had CFS and it was then that I put on weight for the first time in my life. Until then I'd really never had to worry about weight. 6 years on I now have 20kgs to lose and all of my attempts in the past have failed. I use chocolate and muffins etc to give me boosts in energy and to nurture my emotions. I've been working on these areas for the past 6 months to no avail. I'm now going to give it a go with MFP. Thanks1
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bump0
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Excellent post! Probably the best I've read on here. Thank you!2
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Bump0
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Thank you, I needed this encouragement. 1
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I started over a dozen times in the past 4 years and always came back, this time imma gonna make it though!3
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