How to motivate my girlfriend to exercise?
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
Hobbies are a tad bit different than breaking habits that leave you overweight and your boyfriend less sexually attracted to you. I'm guessing that the second one is a bit more loaded.
Fitness and food prep aren't hobbies?
Does it sound like they are for his girlfriend? Really?
They don't have to be her hobbies for him to do the food prep tho. It's his hobby, as gaming is my husbands. Interest was expressed in his hobby and he acted.
Do you see he possibly may have overacted? If food prep were a hobby for her that she wanted to get involved with, he wouldn't have done it for her. As that would miss the point of food prepping being the hobby/activity. I'm guessing she doesn't give a darn if he does his own food prep in his own place.
If a woman posted this, and I told her she was being too maternal to her partner, people wouldn't really have much of an issue with this at all. (And I would. The more a partner pushes, the more the other pulls away; the more one pulls away, the more the other pushes. Someone has to change, and he's the one here asking for advice.)
I don't think he overreacted, no. She expressed interest on his hobby so he did some food prep for her, probably in hopes she'd see how handy it was and take a greater interest. I express interest in gaming but probably won't buy the system myself so my husband buys it for me and sets it up in hopes I'll enjoy it and take a greater interest.
If a woman posted this and you said she was being too maternal I'd have the same "Really? REALLY?" Reaction.
But again, this isn't about the one act of food prepping for her. Starting from the beginning:
He's asking her to work out five times a week despite the fact that she always refuses. It's "partially his fault" for her lifestyle because he spoils her. How do I get her to exercise with me or push healthier foods? Push being his word. She says SHE wants to meal prep for herself, he does it for her. He's "always talking" about eating healthier. He "takes her out on walks."
It's the whole context, including his very open honesty that he wants her to be different than she is (and has been since they met, even if it has gotten worse.)
I'm thinking that people needed the glitter and unicorn farts for this, even though it's much derided. People sometimes get parental in relationships, I never said it makes him controlling or evil.
In your context, it seems just about everything people do in relationships could be demeaning. Also we have a different understanding of the OP and subsequent posts. When they met they were both heavy - he didn't seem to take an issue with it at that time; I don't see where you got that. *He* exercises five times a week but did not specify how often he asks her to join him, just that she always says no. We already talked about food prep which he did once and is now trying to figure out what's up. You make him sound like a pestering idiot. Even one of the "just leave me alone, dammit" success stories posted above worked out because they finally accepted one of the gym invitations!
In his words: "I work out five times a week, and every time I ask her to join me."
I do think he's pestering her, especially based on her responses. I don't think he's an idiot.0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
Hobbies are a tad bit different than breaking habits that leave you overweight and your boyfriend less sexually attracted to you. I'm guessing that the second one is a bit more loaded.
Fitness and food prep aren't hobbies?
Does it sound like they are for his girlfriend? Really?
They don't have to be her hobbies for him to do the food prep tho. It's his hobby, as gaming is my husbands. Interest was expressed in his hobby and he acted.
Do you see he possibly may have overacted? If food prep were a hobby for her that she wanted to get involved with, he wouldn't have done it for her. As that would miss the point of food prepping being the hobby/activity. I'm guessing she doesn't give a darn if he does his own food prep in his own place.
If a woman posted this, and I told her she was being too maternal to her partner, people wouldn't really have much of an issue with this at all. (And I would. The more a partner pushes, the more the other pulls away; the more one pulls away, the more the other pushes. Someone has to change, and he's the one here asking for advice.)
I don't think he overreacted, no. She expressed interest on his hobby so he did some food prep for her, probably in hopes she'd see how handy it was and take a greater interest. I express interest in gaming but probably won't buy the system myself so my husband buys it for me and sets it up in hopes I'll enjoy it and take a greater interest.
If a woman posted this and you said she was being too maternal I'd have the same "Really? REALLY?" Reaction.
But again, this isn't about the one act of food prepping for her. Starting from the beginning:
He's asking her to work out five times a week despite the fact that she always refuses. It's "partially his fault" for her lifestyle because he spoils her. How do I get her to exercise with me or push healthier foods? Push being his word. She says SHE wants to meal prep for herself, he does it for her. He's "always talking" about eating healthier. He "takes her out on walks."
It's the whole context, including his very open honesty that he wants her to be different than she is (and has been since they met, even if it has gotten worse.)
I'm thinking that people needed the glitter and unicorn farts for this, even though it's much derided. People sometimes get parental in relationships, I never said it makes him controlling or evil.
A. He said he works out five times a week and every time he asked her to go she said no. This doesn't mean he asked her five time a week.
B. Asking for advice in his to get someone to do something isn't parental. A parent would just tell you to do it. My mom did anyway. You're reading a lot into the word push.
C. Spoiling your SO isn't parental, nor is acknowledging that doing so has become a problem.
D. She mentions meal prep, he takes inative and dies it for her.
E. He took get for a moonlight walk on the beach (she's since refused the other offers to walk). Doesn't seem parental to me.
F. Talks about eating healthier, which is clearly a big part of his life now.
Frankly I think you're projecting. None of this seems parental or over the top to me. It seems fairly normal and pretty nice actually (moonlite walks, cooks for her, askes if she wants to engage in his hobby with him even though she constantly shuts him down.)0 -
Look, if you two were together and she made a huge change that impacted everything in her life, and then started nagging you to do the same, you'd be angry and resentful, right?
Take it out of the realm of fitness. Let's say she, hypothetically, converted to another religion. (There are a lot of parallels here -- hear me out.) Say that meant that she could no longer eat the same foods, practice the same hobbies, do the same leisure activities or hold the same interests as before. Let's say she got a whole new social circle as a result.
Now, if you really loved her, maybe you'd say, okay, this isn't what I signed on for, but I can be supportive.
But then, let's say she turned around and started subtly and not-so-subtly pressuring you to convert to her religion, too? Let's say she told you she was "worried" about the health of your soul. Say she rescheduled your movie nights and invited you to instead participate in religious activities?
Now, at that point, I'd think you would start to get pretty annoyed, and maybe re-evaluate the whole relationship. It's one thing if you both came to this conversion together, on your own terms. But quite another if she had completely changed and you had no real interest in her new religion, right? At that point, you'd start to maybe think you wanted different things out of life, that she wasn't the same person you got together with, and that perhaps you should go your separate ways, right?
Well, this is how she's feeling. She fell in love with a couch potato. Now she's dating a fitness guru, and what's worse, he's not content to just do his thing and let her do hers; he is actively trying to change her. And he has the audacity to come onto a public forum and state that he's "no longer sexually attracted" to her because she's "fat" and "lazy"?
If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't wait around for this decision to be up to you. I'd dump you so fast your head would spin.
Find someone you love for who she is, fat or thin, old or young, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, yadda yadda. If this isn't your girlfriend, you owe it to her to let her find someone who does love her that way.
And if the next girl you date is a fitness guru, too, remember that one day she could get injured or sick or gain weight for a variety of reasons. If you think you'd leave her under those circumstances, then you need to re-evaluate your priorities because that would mean you're a scumbag.0 -
Totally agree with the fun "sneak attack".0
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
how paternalistic of him ..
sounds like a controlling jerk who wants to run your life....
I sincerely hope that you find yourself someone who does all the things OP is doing for his girlfriend. Enjoy it.
if I had a GF that wanted to cook me meals and was generally concerned about my health I would be happy ...
Sure, until her sexual attraction to you depended on you toeing the line.
nice assumption ..
Didn't he say her lifestyle has reduced his sexual attraction to her?
yes, but you made your comment in reference to what I said. So you made an assumption about me with zero information about me....
The only reason we are talking about you or me is in context to the OP's situation.
nice back track ..
you asked me how I would feel.. I answered the question, and you then made an assumption about me based on zero working knowledge.
when you asked me the question it turned the conversation from the OP to myself...
but keep moving those goal posts...
Ok, we'll go back to you. I did make an assumption. You do put out a lot of bluster about the way you eat on the boards, so I don't think it was necessarily from zero knowledge.
so now you want to de-rail the thread because I put on a lot of "bluster" about how I eat.
what does that have to do with this thread?
Second - it is not bluster, my food diary is open to the public and all can view it and see how I eat..
please clarify about my "bluster" and how it appears have someone offended you...
Also, what does how I have to eat have to do with my potential significant other?
ETA - I find your commenting on my blustering about food amusing considering you have a private profile and closed diary.
You said I have no knowledge of you. One of the reasons I assumed you wouldn't want a girlfriend is your frequent talk of eating in a way you choose. I honestly don't think you'd like it if someone were trying to get you to do health and fitness their way instead of in at least a collaborative way. How you eat has a lot to do with your potential girlfriend if she finds that your diet and lifestyle makes you less sexually attractive to her. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. NBD.
I don't use MFP to log my food, so an open diary wouldn't help anyone much. I do have a private profile and always will. Because I talk about somewhat personal stuff. Whatever I post about food here, I'd be willing to post in the forums.
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
The answer to your question is it's called "supper time" in the majority of households. Here's what Mama cooked. You don't want it, take a long walk off a short cliff. Did I just invent this??
Thank you for proving my point, mama. She's not his child, they aren't living together, and she's not the one here complaining food. She's taking that long walk to a fast food place. He's the one having an issue with her not eating what he makes her. She clearly doesn't want him to make her food if she isn't eating it. So just stop. If he enjoys cooking, he can cook and offer her some. She shouldn't be obligated to eat it.
Try again. That was not your point. You were trying to say most people would have some bug up their *kitten* if they came to find their meals prepped for them, which I think you've got to be fairly oblivious to think that's the case
Ok. I'm a vegan. If my husband came home and found three days worth of vegan meals prepped for him and didn't like it, what would you say? (For the record, he sometimes talks about going vegetarian but I also know he's nowhere close to actually doing that.)
If your husband expresses interest in vegan means I think making him some vegan meals is actually a great step to helping him see how he actually feels about it. It'd be a great chance to show that they can be tasty, varied, and fit his needs (for example being portable for work or holding up well to freezing.)
Yes, making some vegan meals to freeze would be a nice thing to do. Making bids to get him to go vegan because I want it for him more than he does, not so much.
But you didn't make the meals out of no where. He expressed interest and made some meals. Spin it how you want but to me it sounds fine.0 -
Seven pages? It seems to have hit a nail.0
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
how paternalistic of him ..
sounds like a controlling jerk who wants to run your life....
I sincerely hope that you find yourself someone who does all the things OP is doing for his girlfriend. Enjoy it.
if I had a GF that wanted to cook me meals and was generally concerned about my health I would be happy ...
Sure, until her sexual attraction to you depended on you toeing the line.
nice assumption ..
Didn't he say her lifestyle has reduced his sexual attraction to her?
yes, but you made your comment in reference to what I said. So you made an assumption about me with zero information about me....
The only reason we are talking about you or me is in context to the OP's situation.
nice back track ..
you asked me how I would feel.. I answered the question, and you then made an assumption about me based on zero working knowledge.
when you asked me the question it turned the conversation from the OP to myself...
but keep moving those goal posts...
Ok, we'll go back to you. I did make an assumption. You do put out a lot of bluster about the way you eat on the boards, so I don't think it was necessarily from zero knowledge.
so now you want to de-rail the thread because I put on a lot of "bluster" about how I eat.
what does that have to do with this thread?
Second - it is not bluster, my food diary is open to the public and all can view it and see how I eat..
please clarify about my "bluster" and how it appears have someone offended you...
Also, what does how I have to eat have to do with my potential significant other?
ETA - I find your commenting on my blustering about food amusing considering you have a private profile and closed diary.
You said I have no knowledge of you. One of the reasons I assumed you wouldn't want a girlfriend is your frequent talk of eating in a way you choose. I honestly don't think you'd like it if someone were trying to get you to do health and fitness their way instead of in at least a collaborative way. How you eat has a lot to do with your potential girlfriend if she finds that your diet and lifestyle makes you less sexually attractive to her. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. NBD.
I don't use MFP to log my food, so an open diary wouldn't help anyone much. I do have a private profile and always will. Because I talk about somewhat personal stuff. Whatever I post about food here, I'd be willing to post in the forums.
wow, you like to make a lot of assumptions don't you?
so you are saying because I like to eat ice cream, cookies, etc in the context of my overall diet, that I am somehow unhealthy or not in shape??
so someone that eats all foods in moderation is going to be less sexually attractive, really?
so people that eat the way they choose can't have a girl friend?
Really?
So based on how you perceive I eat, you can then assume that you have some kind of insight into my every day life??????????????? WOW, just wow...0 -
Look, if you two were together and she made a huge change that impacted everything in her life, and then started nagging you to do the same, you'd be angry and resentful, right?
Take it out of the realm of fitness. Let's say she, hypothetically, converted to another religion. (There are a lot of parallels here -- hear me out.) Say that meant that she could no longer eat the same foods, practice the same hobbies, do the same leisure activities or hold the same interests as before. Let's say she got a whole new social circle as a result.
Now, if you really loved her, maybe you'd say, okay, this isn't what I signed on for, but I can be supportive.
But then, let's say she turned around and started subtly and not-so-subtly pressuring you to convert to her religion, too? Let's say she told you she was "worried" about the health of your soul. Say she rescheduled your movie nights and invited you to instead participate in religious activities?
Now, at that point, I'd think you would start to get pretty annoyed, and maybe re-evaluate the whole relationship. It's one thing if you both came to this conversion together, on your own terms. But quite another if she had completely changed and you had no real interest in her new religion, right? At that point, you'd start to maybe think you wanted different things out of life, that she wasn't the same person you got together with, and that perhaps you should go your separate ways, right?
Well, this is how she's feeling. She fell in love with a couch potato. Now she's dating a fitness guru, and what's worse, he's not content to just do his thing and let her do hers; he is actively trying to change her. And he has the audacity to come onto a public forum and state that he's "no longer sexually attracted" to her because she's "fat" and "lazy"?
If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't wait around for this decision to be up to you. I'd dump you so fast your head would spin.
Find someone you love for who she is, fat or thin, old or young, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, yadda yadda. If this isn't your girlfriend, you owe it to her to let her find someone who does love her that way.
And if the next girl you date is a fitness guru, too, remember that one day she could get injured or sick or gain weight for a variety of reasons. If you think you'd leave her under those circumstances, then you need to re-evaluate your priorities because that would mean you're a scumbag.
If a man came in here and said you you said there in bold I guarantee you there would be an uproar. And probably from you as well. "She was getting in shape and tried to get me to eat better or exercise more", so I dumped her *kitten*. Man, that storm that would follow would be unreal.
Yup. Pitchforks and cries of " she's better without you, you jerk?" Would ring from the heavens0 -
My reply will probably be lost in the shuffle, but I am approaching this question from the POV of your girlfriend - because I used to BE that person.
My last boyfriend (before I got married) was expressing his views very much like you do now in your situation. He would try his best to encourage me to lose weight, get fit, he'd make me special meals, etc. The same exact thing. And it didn't work for me. Here's why.
I always felt that his attitude toward me was "condescending" - sort of like, "he doesn't love me the way I am, so why should I go with the program?" Seriously - I could feel his disapproval from a mile away, and in turn that just made me not want to try at all. Sort of.... he's going to laugh at my fat butt trying to run (or even walk, at the time), he'll leave me behind because I can't go more than 20 minutes without needing to sit down, etc. I never felt like he was in it for the long haul with me. I always felt like I needed to "measure up" to him because he was so much more fit and toned than I was (and at that time, he wasn't even that fit).
The whole situation just made me feel worse about myself, and in order to self-medicate those feelings of "not good enough", what did I turn to? Exactly - food. My old coping mechanism. And it just got worse and worse and worse and worse.
My ex and I broke up for different reasons - I had a long-standing problem with mental illness and depression that contributed to the cause of it - but I see now that it NEVER would have worked out between us. He and I simply had different goals at the time.
I fear that this is what you're facing. Because no matter how well-intentioned you might be - if she's anything like I was, she's going to take it wrong no matter what you do. Any comment or action you take regarding her health and fitness level, she may see that as a personal attack (even if you don't mean it to be), and that may make things worse for her. There's no doubt that she probably WANTS to lose weight. She probably wants what you have. But SHE has to want to do something about it. Gentle persuasion doesn't work.
She has to have what I call "an epiphany". Something life-changing (to her) that will "wake her up", so to speak. In my case, it was type-II diabetes. I hope that she "wakes up" before it goes that far, but for some people, it takes that much. For some, it never comes. There's just no way to know.
My ex and I are, oddly, still friends. I'm much improved (although there's a way to go), and he's a CrossFit instructor. Go figure!
My husband loves me for who and what I am. I've gained some weight back recently over the holidays, and I've been feeling down about it, but he just told me, "I'll love you no matter what. If you want to be fit, you'll do the right things to make it happen. But I said 'I do' for a reason, and that's because I love you - for you. I'll support you either way."
That's all you can do - if you want to keep your relationship. If you honestly can't live with things the way they are, it's better to tell her that now and to save her further heartache. I know that I would have appreciated my ex saying something (and he eventually did, later - but it would have saved us all pain if he'd spoken sooner).
I wish you luck. It's a hard dilemma that you face.0 -
It took my boyfriend of 5 years to tell me one day. "Baby I am worried about your health, you have put on a lot of weight"
That kicked me into gear to know that someone actually cared if I was around for a long time or not.
Being honest isn't always a bad thing. Different people take it different ways.0 -
[quote="konoha457;10058981"
What can I do to approach her that she would be more interested in a healthier lifestyle. Is there any way I can get her to exercise with me or to push for eating healthier?[/quote]
Honestly you can't make her more interested or push her to eat healthier.
I would decide if your concern is (1) her health, (2) not having common interests or respect for each other (3) not being sexually attracted.
If #1- Sit her down, tell her your concerns, ask her how you can help her manage her health condition because you love her. Do not decide for her what is best for her health.
If #2- it is hard to maintain a relationship when 2 people no longer have common interests. It is hard to maintain a relationship if people are shooting down the other partner or snubbing their ideas/efforts. You can stop cooking for your girlfriend and stop asking her to exercise but you will probably drift apart because these are things you like to do and she really doesn't want the same things right now. She may change someday but might not ever change. You can't make her. So decide if she never changes can you stay together happily. What do you madly love about her? Maybe those are the things to focus on now.
If #3- Is she acting interested in sex with you? Does she initiate physical affection at all? Does she tell you that you are sexy to her now? Obviously you once thought she was attractive even though she was heavier. She hasn't changed but you have. Can you make her feel good about herself the way she is? Can you see what you used to love or find attractive? If you don't find her attractive- or if she doesn't find the new you attractive- that doesn't really bode well for the relationship continuing. You both might need to do some soul searching and work here. Don't ignore the mental aspect though. You might work this out if you can think positively of each other.
Basically, you need to talk with your girlfriend very honestly and decide what is important to you both going forward. Don't tell your girlfriend what to do or how to do it. If she wants to change ask her how you can help her. If she doesn't feel ready to make changes then back off.0 -
My reply will probably be lost in the shuffle, but I am approaching this question from the POV of your girlfriend - because I used to BE that person.
My last boyfriend (before I got married) was expressing his views very much like you do now in your situation. He would try his best to encourage me to lose weight, get fit, he'd make me special meals, etc. The same exact thing. And it didn't work for me. Here's why.
I always felt that his attitude toward me was "condescending" - sort of like, "he doesn't love me the way I am, so why should I go with the program?" Seriously - I could feel his disapproval from a mile away, and in turn that just made me not want to try at all. Sort of.... he's going to laugh at my fat butt trying to run (or even walk, at the time), he'll leave me behind because I can't go more than 20 minutes without needing to sit down, etc. I never felt like he was in it for the long haul with me. I always felt like I needed to "measure up" to him because he was so much more fit and toned than I was (and at that time, he wasn't even that fit).
The whole situation just made me feel worse about myself, and in order to self-medicate those feelings of "not good enough", what did I turn to? Exactly - food. My old coping mechanism. And it just got worse and worse and worse and worse.
My ex and I broke up for different reasons - I had a long-standing problem with mental illness and depression that contributed to the cause of it - but I see now that it NEVER would have worked out between us. He and I simply had different goals at the time.
I fear that this is what you're facing. Because no matter how well-intentioned you might be - if she's anything like I was, she's going to take it wrong no matter what you do. Any comment or action you take regarding her health and fitness level, she may see that as a personal attack (even if you don't mean it to be), and that may make things worse for her. There's no doubt that she probably WANTS to lose weight. She probably wants what you have. But SHE has to want to do something about it. Gentle persuasion doesn't work.
She has to have what I call "an epiphany". Something life-changing (to her) that will "wake her up", so to speak. In my case, it was type-II diabetes. I hope that she "wakes up" before it goes that far, but for some people, it takes that much. For some, it never comes. There's just no way to know.
My ex and I are, oddly, still friends. I'm much improved (although there's a way to go), and he's a CrossFit instructor. Go figure!
My husband loves me for who and what I am. I've gained some weight back recently over the holidays, and I've been feeling down about it, but he just told me, "I'll love you no matter what. If you want to be fit, you'll do the right things to make it happen. But I said 'I do' for a reason, and that's because I love you - for you. I'll support you either way."
That's all you can do - if you want to keep your relationship. If you honestly can't live with things the way they are, it's better to tell her that now and to save her further heartache. I know that I would have appreciated my ex saying something (and he eventually did, later - but it would have saved us all pain if he'd spoken sooner).
I wish you luck. It's a hard dilemma that you face.
Great well balanced post with good advice.
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My husband loves me for who and what I am. I've gained some weight back recently over the holidays, and I've been feeling down about it, but he just told me, "I'll love you no matter what. If you want to be fit, you'll do the right things to make it happen. But I said 'I do' for a reason, and that's because I love you - for you. I'll support you either way."
OP, hopefully one day you'll learn this about love.
Until then, it sounds very much like you've been overweight previously and now you've gotten yourself fit, and you feel like there are options out there that weren't available to you before and you want to play the field. And you want a bunch of strangers to tell you it's okay to dump your girlfriend for being too fat, and to go out and sleep with a bunch of hot women.
Well, hey, if you want to do that, go ahead. I'll still think she's far better off without you.
But don't come on here claiming that you love her, if you do that. That's not love.-1 -
Agree with most of the comments - labeling her as lazy and unmotivated is the complete opposite of helpful. Even if you don't say it to her face, she's most likely picking up on your attitude.0
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
Hobbies are a tad bit different than breaking habits that leave you overweight and your boyfriend less sexually attracted to you. I'm guessing that the second one is a bit more loaded.
Fitness and food prep aren't hobbies?
Does it sound like they are for his girlfriend? Really?
They don't have to be her hobbies for him to do the food prep tho. It's his hobby, as gaming is my husbands. Interest was expressed in his hobby and he acted.
Do you see he possibly may have overacted? If food prep were a hobby for her that she wanted to get involved with, he wouldn't have done it for her. As that would miss the point of food prepping being the hobby/activity. I'm guessing she doesn't give a darn if he does his own food prep in his own place.
If a woman posted this, and I told her she was being too maternal to her partner, people wouldn't really have much of an issue with this at all. (And I would. The more a partner pushes, the more the other pulls away; the more one pulls away, the more the other pushes. Someone has to change, and he's the one here asking for advice.)
I don't think he overreacted, no. She expressed interest on his hobby so he did some food prep for her, probably in hopes she'd see how handy it was and take a greater interest. I express interest in gaming but probably won't buy the system myself so my husband buys it for me and sets it up in hopes I'll enjoy it and take a greater interest.
If a woman posted this and you said she was being too maternal I'd have the same "Really? REALLY?" Reaction.
But again, this isn't about the one act of food prepping for her. Starting from the beginning:
He's asking her to work out five times a week despite the fact that she always refuses. It's "partially his fault" for her lifestyle because he spoils her. How do I get her to exercise with me or push healthier foods? Push being his word. She says SHE wants to meal prep for herself, he does it for her. He's "always talking" about eating healthier. He "takes her out on walks."
It's the whole context, including his very open honesty that he wants her to be different than she is (and has been since they met, even if it has gotten worse.)
I'm thinking that people needed the glitter and unicorn farts for this, even though it's much derided. People sometimes get parental in relationships, I never said it makes him controlling or evil.
A. He said he works out five times a week and every time he asked her to go she said no. This doesn't mean he asked her five time a week.
B. Asking for advice in his to get someone to do something isn't parental. A parent would just tell you to do it. My mom did anyway. You're reading a lot into the word push.
C. Spoiling your SO isn't parental, nor is acknowledging that doing so has become a problem.
D. She mentions meal prep, he takes inative and dies it for her.
E. He took get for a moonlight walk on the beach (she's since refused the other offers to walk). Doesn't seem parental to me.
F. Talks about eating healthier, which is clearly a big part of his life now.
Frankly I think you're projecting. None of this seems parental or over the top to me. It seems fairly normal and pretty nice actually (moonlite walks, cooks for her, askes if she wants to engage in his hobby with him even though she constantly shuts him down.)
No, he actually says that he asks her every time, and every time she says no. She says SHE wants to meal prep, he does it for her.
One of "paternal" meanings is to show the nature of kindness and protectiveness of a father. I think his mindset is shifted to a more paternal mindset, and that it's showing in his actions. If it bothers people so much, I'll rephrase it to: Your girlfriend might be interpreting your actions as paternal, which is counter productive.
If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I think it's worth his while to consider it. Whether he does or doesn't isn't going to affect my life.
OP, when she talks about how bad she feels, ask her what she would like you to do to help her. It puts the responsibility back in her court while showing support.0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
The answer to your question is it's called "supper time" in the majority of households. Here's what Mama cooked. You don't want it, take a long walk off a short cliff. Did I just invent this??
Thank you for proving my point, mama. She's not his child, they aren't living together, and she's not the one here complaining food. She's taking that long walk to a fast food place. He's the one having an issue with her not eating what he makes her. She clearly doesn't want him to make her food if she isn't eating it. So just stop. If he enjoys cooking, he can cook and offer her some. She shouldn't be obligated to eat it.
Try again. That was not your point. You were trying to say most people would have some bug up their *kitten* if they came to find their meals prepped for them, which I think you've got to be fairly oblivious to think that's the case
Ok. I'm a vegan. If my husband came home and found three days worth of vegan meals prepped for him and didn't like it, what would you say? (For the record, he sometimes talks about going vegetarian but I also know he's nowhere close to actually doing that.)
If your husband expresses interest in vegan means I think making him some vegan meals is actually a great step to helping him see how he actually feels about it. It'd be a great chance to show that they can be tasty, varied, and fit his needs (for example being portable for work or holding up well to freezing.)
Yes, making some vegan meals to freeze would be a nice thing to do. Making bids to get him to go vegan because I want it for him more than he does, not so much.
But you didn't make the meals out of no where. He expressed interest and made some meals. Spin it how you want but to me it sounds fine.
I'm not spinning it. I know my husband. He'd be upset or irritated.
I wonder how this thread would have gone if the story was changed around to him mentioning wanting to be vegan and me asking what I can do to motivate him and push my vegan options.0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
Hobbies are a tad bit different than breaking habits that leave you overweight and your boyfriend less sexually attracted to you. I'm guessing that the second one is a bit more loaded.
Fitness and food prep aren't hobbies?
Does it sound like they are for his girlfriend? Really?
They don't have to be her hobbies for him to do the food prep tho. It's his hobby, as gaming is my husbands. Interest was expressed in his hobby and he acted.
Do you see he possibly may have overacted? If food prep were a hobby for her that she wanted to get involved with, he wouldn't have done it for her. As that would miss the point of food prepping being the hobby/activity. I'm guessing she doesn't give a darn if he does his own food prep in his own place.
If a woman posted this, and I told her she was being too maternal to her partner, people wouldn't really have much of an issue with this at all. (And I would. The more a partner pushes, the more the other pulls away; the more one pulls away, the more the other pushes. Someone has to change, and he's the one here asking for advice.)
I don't think he overreacted, no. She expressed interest on his hobby so he did some food prep for her, probably in hopes she'd see how handy it was and take a greater interest. I express interest in gaming but probably won't buy the system myself so my husband buys it for me and sets it up in hopes I'll enjoy it and take a greater interest.
If a woman posted this and you said she was being too maternal I'd have the same "Really? REALLY?" Reaction.
But again, this isn't about the one act of food prepping for her. Starting from the beginning:
He's asking her to work out five times a week despite the fact that she always refuses. It's "partially his fault" for her lifestyle because he spoils her. How do I get her to exercise with me or push healthier foods? Push being his word. She says SHE wants to meal prep for herself, he does it for her. He's "always talking" about eating healthier. He "takes her out on walks."
It's the whole context, including his very open honesty that he wants her to be different than she is (and has been since they met, even if it has gotten worse.)
I'm thinking that people needed the glitter and unicorn farts for this, even though it's much derided. People sometimes get parental in relationships, I never said it makes him controlling or evil.
In your context, it seems just about everything people do in relationships could be demeaning. Also we have a different understanding of the OP and subsequent posts. When they met they were both heavy - he didn't seem to take an issue with it at that time; I don't see where you got that. *He* exercises five times a week but did not specify how often he asks her to join him, just that she always says no. We already talked about food prep which he did once and is now trying to figure out what's up. You make him sound like a pestering idiot. Even one of the "just leave me alone, dammit" success stories posted above worked out because they finally accepted one of the gym invitations!
In his words: "I work out five times a week, and every time I ask her to join me."
I do think he's pestering her, especially based on her responses. I don't think he's an idiot.
The original quote ended in a comma, not a full stop. Therefore, I assumed it was a precursor to the rest of the sentence, not an independent statement of fact.
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
how paternalistic of him ..
sounds like a controlling jerk who wants to run your life....
I sincerely hope that you find yourself someone who does all the things OP is doing for his girlfriend. Enjoy it.
if I had a GF that wanted to cook me meals and was generally concerned about my health I would be happy ...
Sure, until her sexual attraction to you depended on you toeing the line.
nice assumption ..
Didn't he say her lifestyle has reduced his sexual attraction to her?
yes, but you made your comment in reference to what I said. So you made an assumption about me with zero information about me....
The only reason we are talking about you or me is in context to the OP's situation.
nice back track ..
you asked me how I would feel.. I answered the question, and you then made an assumption about me based on zero working knowledge.
when you asked me the question it turned the conversation from the OP to myself...
but keep moving those goal posts...
Ok, we'll go back to you. I did make an assumption. You do put out a lot of bluster about the way you eat on the boards, so I don't think it was necessarily from zero knowledge.
so now you want to de-rail the thread because I put on a lot of "bluster" about how I eat.
what does that have to do with this thread?
Second - it is not bluster, my food diary is open to the public and all can view it and see how I eat..
please clarify about my "bluster" and how it appears have someone offended you...
Also, what does how I have to eat have to do with my potential significant other?
ETA - I find your commenting on my blustering about food amusing considering you have a private profile and closed diary.
You said I have no knowledge of you. One of the reasons I assumed you wouldn't want a girlfriend is your frequent talk of eating in a way you choose. I honestly don't think you'd like it if someone were trying to get you to do health and fitness their way instead of in at least a collaborative way. How you eat has a lot to do with your potential girlfriend if she finds that your diet and lifestyle makes you less sexually attractive to her. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. NBD.
I don't use MFP to log my food, so an open diary wouldn't help anyone much. I do have a private profile and always will. Because I talk about somewhat personal stuff. Whatever I post about food here, I'd be willing to post in the forums.
wow, you like to make a lot of assumptions don't you?
so you are saying because I like to eat ice cream, cookies, etc in the context of my overall diet, that I am somehow unhealthy or not in shape??
so someone that eats all foods in moderation is going to be less sexually attractive, really?
so people that eat the way they choose can't have a girl friend?
Really?
So based on how you perceive I eat, you can then assume that you have some kind of insight into my every day life??????????????? WOW, just wow...
I have no problem with you eating in moderation. I'm saying that you may not like it if your girlfriend tried to put too much input into your choices and your workouts. I don't think many would.
And stop clutching your pearls about me making assumptions-were you not the one who decided what kind of woman I am in a relationship with a man?0
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