How to motivate my girlfriend to exercise?
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How do people get through life being offended by such miniscule things.
If you mean me, I'm not offended. I think he's trying to help. I think it's coming off as overbearing, and considering that he said he's madly in love with her, I thought he might be interested in some ideas about why it's not having the results he wants.
Daiko, my husband doesn't meal prep for me or get involved in my health goals other than listening to me when I talk. I don't think he's a jerk. I guess some people do get to win.
I assure you if you wrote a post talking about your husband who doesn't get involved in your health goals at all a dozen people would flock to call him a jerk.
I thought about that same exact thing a little while ago. There is a huge double standard. Huge. I'm just really happy to see a few women in this thread that can see things from both sides.
I wouldn't call him a jerk unless he made things harder for the woman. Not participating is one thing interfering is quite another.0 -
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I feel like her lifestyle is really affecting our relationship. I love her to death and she is still very beautiful in my eyes, but just the thought of her unhealthy lifestyle has diminished my sex drive.
If you've gotten to the point that you don't want to be with your GF in this way, I suggest you really think about the relationship. That is definitely not "loving her to death" like you say. You're just fooling yourself when you say she's still beautiful in your eyes, yet you don't wanna touch her. Maybe you haven't called her lazy and unmotivated to her face, but with your actions (or non-actions since your sex drives gone) towards her, you're screaming it out to her, and she's getting the message loud and clear. You can't make her want to change anything no matter what. People make comments all the time about wanting to change, but that's it, just a comment. They're not ready to make that comment into an action. (How many hundreds, thousands of people always make their New Year's resolution to lose weight and never do? They're not ready to make it happen.) She's gonna want to do it when SHE'S good and ready. Maybe you have the patience to wait around and see IF and when that happens, maybe you won't and move on. Stop nagging her about eating right and exercising... She's obviously not ready even though she's made comments about it. Let her be her, and you do you.0 -
As others have said, you cannot push someone to exercise or eat a certain way. At best you can try to do more active things as a couple and pick a healthy restaurant once a week. Maybe she'll fall into the habit on her own.
This happened with my boyfriend. He decided to exercise and change eating habits. He'd ask me about going on a run with him. I'd get angry because a) I never ran and couldn't not physically run a mile like he could and b) I felt like he was telling me I was fat and was sensitive about it. It caused a lot of arguments and hurt feelings on my side. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough for him anymore and that he would cheat or leave me. I didn't even want to be naked around him. I was so confused because I didn't think I needed to change and was fine with how I was. He also said it was a health concern and not an issue of being fat...that he just wanted to make sure I lived a long healthy life.
He finally just dropped it and never said a word. His health kick tapered off eventually.
A year later, I came to my own conclusion that I needed to make some changes. I got serious about it and made a commitment by myself. Truly dedicated myself. I worked so hard my boyfriend actually said I was starting to inspire HIM. Now it's reverse and he's the one saying he needs to work out more. I joked yesterday about how we can finally run together and I can keep up with him. He said back that it'll probably be him fighting to keep up with me.
But the point is, I had to find that push myself. Him pushing only made it worse and made me more insecure. The only reason I decided to change is because I felt like I needed to.
You either accept her as she is now and hope she can find her own way towards health (which is best supported by you helping her feel secure). If who she is, unhealthy and all, isn't good enough for you, then do her a favor and move on. We all go through periods where we aren't physically at the best place. My boyfriend didn't sway when I refused to workout. And now that the roles reversed, I go about my business working out and eating healthy alone. Every now and then I say I'm going to the gym and he goes with me. But I don't push. It should come naturally.
Unless the significant other is literally holding you back from living the life YOU want to live, work past it.0 -
Part of me wonders if OP's girlfriend only said she wanted to change as a way to get him off of her back or to make him happy.
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As others have said, you cannot push someone to exercise or eat a certain way. At best you can try to do more active things as a couple and pick a healthy restaurant once a week. Maybe she'll fall into the habit on her own.
This happened with my boyfriend. He decided to exercise and change eating habits. He'd ask me about going on a run with him. I'd get angry because a) I never ran and couldn't not physically run a mile like he could and b) I felt like he was telling me I was fat and was sensitive about it. It caused a lot of arguments and hurt feelings on my side. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough for him anymore and that he would cheat or leave me. I didn't even want to be naked around him. I was so confused because I didn't think I needed to change and was fine with how I was. He also said it was a health concern and not an issue of being fat...that he just wanted to make sure I lived a long healthy life.
He finally just dropped it and never said a word. His health kick tapered off eventually.
A year later, I came to my own conclusion that I needed to make some changes. I got serious about it and made a commitment by myself. Truly dedicated myself. I worked so hard my boyfriend actually said I was starting to inspire HIM. Now it's reverse and he's the one saying he needs to work out more. I joked yesterday about how we can finally run together and I can keep up with him. He said back that it'll probably be him fighting to keep up with me.
But the point is, I had to find that push myself. Him pushing only made it worse and made me more insecure. The only reason I decided to change is because I felt like I needed to.
You either accept her as she is now and hope she can find her own way towards health (which is best supported by you helping her feel secure). If who she is, unhealthy and all, isn't good enough for you, then do her a favor and move on. We all go through periods where we aren't physically at the best place. My boyfriend didn't sway when I refused to workout. And now that the roles reversed, I go about my business working out and eating healthy alone. Every now and then I say I'm going to the gym and he goes with me. But I don't push. It should come naturally.
Unless the significant other is literally holding you back from living the life YOU want to live, work past it.
All of this. Your fitness routine is about you, not her. Likewise, hers will be about her, not you.
Remember, you could dump her and start dating a thin fitness nut, that thin fitness nut could gain weight in the future at any time (pregnancy, hormones, injury, illness, changing interests, the middle aged spread, whatever). If you truly love someone, you'll love her at any size.0 -
I can understand your "worry" for her, but you started dating her this way. If YOU change, then it isn't her responsibility to change with you.0
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Now that the food and exercise has become a thing with them, just about any invitation on his part to eat what he makes or go on an active outing is going to be seen by her as manipulation. Maybe it's time for him to give that subject a rest especially since it's so fraught with emotions. And clearly both have some growing up to do. Using words to communicate requires some courage sometimes but works way better than futile gestures.
These two are very young and have no obligation to tolerate a mismatch of priorities that's causing friction and disappointment. It's painful but not tragic to split up over things that wouldn't (shouldn't) break a committed relationship. The advice would be different if they were already married.0 -
Good intentions, but you're going about it the wrong way.
Offer to take her salsa dancing or latin & ballroom or whatever. Not the most traditionally masculine of activities, but it's active and doesn't feel like exercise. Plus, thanks to 'Strictly come dancing' and 'Dancing with the stars' it's become increasingly popular among women, and you'll get boyf points for going as most girls I know would love a man who can dance....
But leave her meals alone unless she actually asks you to cook for her. And ask her to cook for you too sometimes so she doesn't feel like you hate her cooking.
Most people like to eat out in restaurants and part of living a healthy lifestyle is being able to do that. She may well be getting annoyed if you never take her out to dinner and complain about how unhealthy the food is when you do.0 -
lthames0810 wrote: »Now that the food and exercise has become a thing with them, just about any invitation on his part to eat what he makes or go on an active outing is going to be seen by her as manipulation. Maybe it's time for him to give that subject a rest especially since it's so fraught with emotions. And clearly both have some growing up to do. Using words to communicate requires some courage sometimes but works way better than futile gestures.
These two are very young and have no obligation to tolerate a mismatch of priorities that's causing friction and disappointment. It's painful but not tragic to split up over things that wouldn't (shouldn't) break a committed relationship. The advice would be different if they were already married.
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I've been married twenty years. During the course of that time, I've been thin and I've been fat. I've been a vegetarian. I've been a chronic exerciser. I've been a non-exerciser. My husband has run everyday for years at a time, then not at all. For a couple of years I was a totally health-conscious vegetarian, while he ate doughnuts. Since change is constant you need to think about how you can be okay with your girlfriend and what she does over the long haul. She's gonna do what she's gonna do. And, you're gonna do what your gonna do. Ideally you love and accept each other even when it's hard.
Sometimes it's really hard.
Good luck! Hope you find "the one!"0 -
Just because you changed your eating habits doesn't mean she has to or will... She'll do it in her own time.
I was very hesitant/reluctant to start exercising and change my eating habits for a very long time until I saw my ex starting to really change. Just be an example for her.
Have you shown her mfp?0 -
You yourself admit you used to have unhealthy habits, until you got motivated to change them. You should know that motivation comes from within, and that it's not something you can force on someone else. If she wants to change, she'll do so on her own schedule and time.
Meanwhile, you're blaming her for changes you've made, and you're calling her names even in your post to us. It sounds like if you're going to stay together, you need to love and accept her for who she is, and support her if she decides to make changes but not pester her. If you honestly can't do that, then your relationship is probably doomed.
Thissss
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Part of me wonders if OP's girlfriend only said she wanted to change as a way to get him off of her back or to make him happy.
The thought occurred to me, too.
OP, you need to sit down with your girlfriend and find out whether she is interested in changing her lifestyle or not. Just tell her that from her comments, you had thought she was and you wanted to help out, but now are thinking you might have come across as pushy. Let her know that's not what you meant to do, and you are happy to drop the subject if that's what she wants.
Meanwhile, think long and hard about whether you love this girl enough to truly stick with her through thick and thin and take action accordingly. This is something you need to do anyway - there will always be something that doesn't thrill you about your partner.0 -
Location: Huntington, Ca
OP do you want to date me?????
Srs, I'd love someone to help meal prep and hit the gym with me. I guess I'm stuck doing it on my own for now though.
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Cortneyrenee04 wrote: »Just because you changed your eating habits doesn't mean she has to or will... She'll do it in her own time.
I was very hesitant/reluctant to start exercising and change my eating habits for a very long time until I saw my ex starting to really change. Just be an example for her.
Have you shown her mfp?
Haha if he shows her MFP he better delete this account or at least delete this thread.0 -
One day my husband told me "if you would lose some weight I would have to beat the men off you with a stick". I didn't know how to take that at all, I thought he was saying I wasn't as attractive as I could be. So I went on a mission to lose weight and ended up losing 60lbs which was great. However later I ended up gaining back 30lbs because I didn't lose it for me I lost it because of what he had said. When your girlfriend is ready she will lose the weight especially if its bothering her. You just have to decided if your willing to wait for that to happen or if you going to risk losing interest in her before it does.0
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DancingMoosie wrote: »I find it strange that she won't eat your cooking, and goes out instead. Goes out without you after you have cooked a meal for the two of you? Do you talk about how healthy or low-calorie the meal is going to be while preparing it? Maybe she just doesn't want to hear it. Do you ever ask her to just go for a walk with you? Don't make it seem like exercise, do it for sight-seeing or just for spending time together. Do you do any other outings that don't revolve around food? (Museums, zoo, parks, mall) If she won't do that, it seems that she isn't even really taking time for you or appreciating what you do for her.
EVERYTHING IN THIS! (praise hands emoji)
In all seriousness, tell her exactly how you feel, and if she really isn't appreciating your concern or following up with her goals and being self conscious, self loathing-y and a debbie downer even when you constantly reinforce that you still love her and find her attractive, then maybe a split's the thing.
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You're pretty darn pushy- whether you mean to be or not. It's one thing to cook meals that you eat together- but to show up with preportioned meals- well, that would just piss me off.
You aren't going to change her- especially with these heavy handed tactics. Either love her as she is and do your own thing or move on.
I would find this insulting as well (if someone showed up and did this).
I do this for my sweetie but it is for convince because I cook some things like indian and italian (or brownies) that he has not mastered but he enjoys... but I do not manage his meals or care if he goes out.
It sounds like you do not see similarities in your relationship. If this is such a big deal for you I am not sure if the love is unconditional.0 -
iwillsucceed0444 wrote: »Location: Huntington, Ca
OP do you want to date me?????
Srs, I'd love someone to help meal prep and hit the gym with me. I guess I'm stuck doing it on my own for now though.
pm me pics and we can talk …
JK …
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did OP ever come back after page one????? LOL0
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I have been through this many many many times with my girlfriend. Its not easy.... and there is always tears. we both put on around 20kg after we met in the first couple years
I went from setting up her MFP, cooking 99% of meals and helping log calories. Taking out for training and walks all of it.
None of this helped as she wasent motivated, cant do anything about it, she would cry and argue thinking i was always wanting to walk the long way with hills haha
These days i just do what i gotta do, She knows what she needs to do and yes i still get on her back.
Ask her if shes going to the gym, ask her if shes logged blah blah
Its a *kitten* nightmare sometimes i feel like im training and logging and being accountable x2
Especially the time she was not loosing weight for ages then one day admitted she has been sneaking in ice creams and chocolate bars during the day - i was pretty heart broken that day because i felt like i had let her down for some reason, being to pushy and making her sneak food in
Yet still complains she can never find clothes to wear and always so self conscious
Its not an easy road mate but end of the day you have two choices
Stick by her or leave her
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iwillsucceed0444 wrote: »Location: Huntington, Ca
OP do you want to date me?????
Srs, I'd love someone to help meal prep and hit the gym with me. I guess I'm stuck doing it on my own for now though.
pm me pics and we can talk …
JK …
Resume updated and sent.
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Lasmartchika wrote: »I feel like her lifestyle is really affecting our relationship. I love her to death and she is still very beautiful in my eyes, but just the thought of her unhealthy lifestyle has diminished my sex drive.
If you've gotten to the point that you don't want to be with your GF in this way, I suggest you really think about the relationship. That is definitely not "loving her to death" like you say. You're just fooling yourself when you say she's still beautiful in your eyes, yet you don't wanna touch her.
This jumped out at me too. I don't know many men who could find a woman attractive but not bring themselves to sleep with her because she lives an "unhealthy lifestyle." If you're no longer attracted to her, at least have the balls to own it.
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I've only gotten up to page 5 so far, but what if the problem with the food prep isn't about his "controlling" her at all? What if, well, his new recipes just plain don't taste good?
OP, what sorts of "healthy" dishes are you making for her?
My husband fancies himself a chef and some of his dishes are amazing and others are, well, just plain inedible to me. I just...no. Nope. And I know he feels the same way about my cooking. Some dishes he can't keep his hands off of, others he douses with hot sauce to kill all other taste, says a little prayer, closes his eyes and just tries to get them down the hatch. Some, he'll skip entirely and just make a dish for himself.
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I would like to thank everyone for their strong feedback. It's true that I cannot force change upon anyone and it is wrong of me to think that I can. To all that have said it, patience is key, and while we may have our differences, I will always stick by her side because I love her for who she is. Whether or not she does want to change, it will have to be her own choice. Until then, all I can at least do is lead by example and hope she sees it for herself.
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