How to motivate my girlfriend to exercise?
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
how paternalistic of him ..
sounds like a controlling jerk who wants to run your life....
I sincerely hope that you find yourself someone who does all the things OP is doing for his girlfriend. Enjoy it.
if I had a GF that wanted to cook me meals and was generally concerned about my health I would be happy ...
Sure, until her sexual attraction to you depended on you toeing the line.
nice assumption ..
Didn't he say her lifestyle has reduced his sexual attraction to her?
yes, but you made your comment in reference to what I said. So you made an assumption about me with zero information about me....
The only reason we are talking about you or me is in context to the OP's situation.
nice back track ..
you asked me how I would feel.. I answered the question, and you then made an assumption about me based on zero working knowledge.
when you asked me the question it turned the conversation from the OP to myself...
but keep moving those goal posts...0 -
dakotababy wrote: »I am in a relationship like this. We have been living together for the last 5+ years. When we first met, I was at my lightest at the time, which was 170lbs. I quickly gained weight when me and him moved in together, as we ate the same things and the same amounts! Ballooned up to 250lbs, mainly due to over eating and under exercising, possibly some medications.
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+ Today, I have lost 83lbs. He does not work out, or eat healthy. If anything, he has gained about 50lbs. Basically - I work out, weigh/measure my foods. I have a huge interest in fitness and nutrition, and he supports that. I support his interest in other things.
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+ I have never pushed it on him. When he asks, I will support and encourage. If he falls off the wagon - I leave it alone. He has his exercises that he does like, but does not do them often (biking, badminton) so of course, if he says he wants to go do something that involves exercise I will always say yes...otherwise, I do it alone and do not hassel him to get involved.
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+ With food, basically we eat the same as we used to except I eat less. We will eat a protein, a complex carb, then I will put a veg of my choice. He may or may not have his veg of choice. If we have something like spaghetti, I will eat the spaghetti...just less.
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+ I still love him and his appearance just the same as day one. I still have a strong attraction to him. He may feel insecure with me getting in shape and losing weight...but he doesnt show it if that is the case!
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I often recall a quote I read once regarding this exact thing. "(s)He had me at my worst, so (s)he deserves me at my best!"
It sounds like with your mind set (pushing it, trying to change her, attraction decreasing) that the relationship is going to die out sooner or later. You need to accept the fact that she may never change. Can you live with this? She might also lose weight, but gain it all back one day. Can you still be with her? If not, you need to find someone who has the same interests/values as you.
This advice is absolute gold.
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
The answer to your question is it's called "supper time" in the majority of households. Here's what Mama cooked. You don't want it, take a long walk off a short cliff. Did I just invent this??
Thank you for proving my point, mama. She's not his child, they aren't living together, and she's not the one here complaining food. She's taking that long walk to a fast food place. He's the one having an issue with her not eating what he makes her. She clearly doesn't want him to make her food if she isn't eating it. So just stop. If he enjoys cooking, he can cook and offer her some. She shouldn't be obligated to eat it.
Try again. That was not your point. You were trying to say most people would have some bug up their *kitten* if they came to find their meals prepped for them, which I think you've got to be fairly oblivious to think that's the case
Ok. I'm a vegan. If my husband came home and found three days worth of vegan meals prepped for him and didn't like it, what would you say? (For the record, he sometimes talks about going vegetarian but I also know he's nowhere close to actually doing that.)
I'm not gonna claim to know more about you and your husband than you do. I'm not that arrogant. Yet :bigsmile:
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If you push her to change--no matter WHAT kind of change you want to see--you will push her away. She will resent you for not liking her the way she is, she will rebel. Even if she KNOWS she needs to change her lifestyle, she will resist--simply because you are pushing her to do something that is not her choice.
I should know. I was married to a man who tried to "help me" by making me into somebody else and it was the longest 20 years of my life. Ugh.
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Man, I don't know. This sounds like it may have no good answer. One thing, if she is simply wasting the food you make for her, then stop making it. I would not go to that kind of effort for someone who simply wasted my cooking!
I have a similar issue with my husband, except that I'm not losing attraction for him, I'm more worried about the blood pressure and snoring issues. He says he wants to lose weight, but then when I try to help him adopt the necessary behaviors, which is help he has directly requested from me, he then finds ways to sabotage them all, then complains that the weight isn't coming off. I've explained to him in detail which behaviors are not working (cutting food calories but then drinking them back on, etc.) I'm now kind of at the point of saying "screw it, he'll just have to be fat until he figures it out on his own then."
In your situation, I guess I'd take the hands off approach. Stop cooking her healthy meals, stop offering her to work out with you. Just eat your own healthy foods and do your own workouts and if she wants to sit in front of the TV like a lump and eat junk there's nothing you can actually do about it.
She has to do it herself.... or not. If she has a thyroid condition, then it must be properly medicated, which is her responsibility to pursue with her doctor.
It is possible you *may* end up breaking up because she won't eat with you, keeps expanding, etc... I know that sucks, but I don't know any magic bullet for the problem.
You can't force yourself to stay with someone who does not have goals in common with you and won't meet you in the middle. 0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
The answer to your question is it's called "supper time" in the majority of households. Here's what Mama cooked. You don't want it, take a long walk off a short cliff. Did I just invent this??
Thank you for proving my point, mama. She's not his child, they aren't living together, and she's not the one here complaining food. She's taking that long walk to a fast food place. He's the one having an issue with her not eating what he makes her. She clearly doesn't want him to make her food if she isn't eating it. So just stop. If he enjoys cooking, he can cook and offer her some. She shouldn't be obligated to eat it.
Try again. That was not your point. You were trying to say most people would have some bug up their *kitten* if they came to find their meals prepped for them, which I think you've got to be fairly oblivious to think that's the case
Ok. I'm a vegan. If my husband came home and found three days worth of vegan meals prepped for him and didn't like it, what would you say? (For the record, he sometimes talks about going vegetarian but I also know he's nowhere close to actually doing that.)
If your husband expresses interest in vegan means I think making him some vegan meals is actually a great step to helping him see how he actually feels about it. It'd be a great chance to show that they can be tasty, varied, and fit his needs (for example being portable for work or holding up well to freezing.)
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
Hobbies are a tad bit different than breaking habits that leave you overweight and your boyfriend less sexually attracted to you. I'm guessing that the second one is a bit more loaded.
Fitness and food prep aren't hobbies?
Does it sound like they are for his girlfriend? Really?
They don't have to be her hobbies for him to do the food prep tho. It's his hobby, as gaming is my husbands. Interest was expressed in his hobby and he acted.
Do you see he possibly may have overacted? If food prep were a hobby for her that she wanted to get involved with, he wouldn't have done it for her. As that would miss the point of food prepping being the hobby/activity. I'm guessing she doesn't give a darn if he does his own food prep in his own place.
If a woman posted this, and I told her she was being too maternal to her partner, people wouldn't really have much of an issue with this at all. (And I would. The more a partner pushes, the more the other pulls away; the more one pulls away, the more the other pushes. Someone has to change, and he's the one here asking for advice.)
I don't think he overreacted, no. She expressed interest on his hobby so he did some food prep for her, probably in hopes she'd see how handy it was and take a greater interest. I express interest in gaming but probably won't buy the system myself so my husband buys it for me and sets it up in hopes I'll enjoy it and take a greater interest.
If a woman posted this and you said she was being too maternal I'd have the same "Really? REALLY?" Reaction.
But again, this isn't about the one act of food prepping for her. Starting from the beginning:
He's asking her to work out five times a week despite the fact that she always refuses. It's "partially his fault" for her lifestyle because he spoils her. How do I get her to exercise with me or push healthier foods? Push being his word. She says SHE wants to meal prep for herself, he does it for her. He's "always talking" about eating healthier. He "takes her out on walks."
It's the whole context, including his very open honesty that he wants her to be different than she is (and has been since they met, even if it has gotten worse.)
I'm thinking that people needed the glitter and unicorn farts for this, even though it's much derided. People sometimes get parental in relationships, I never said it makes him controlling or evil.0 -
SingRunTing wrote: »How do people get through life being offended by such miniscule things.
If you mean me, I'm not offended. I think he's trying to help. I think it's coming off as overbearing, and considering that he said he's madly in love with her, I thought he might be interested in some ideas about why it's not having the results he wants.
Daiko, my husband doesn't meal prep for me or get involved in my health goals other than listening to me when I talk. I don't think he's a jerk. I guess some people do get to win.
I assure you if you wrote a post talking about your husband who doesn't get involved in your health goals at all a dozen people would flock to call him a jerk.
I thought about that same exact thing a little while ago. There is a huge double standard. Huge. I'm just really happy to see a few women in this thread that can see things from both sides.
So, real talk time. I've been kinda meh about my motivation lately. I want to get leaner but I'm also happy with how I look, so its harder to be as focused as I was 30 pounds ago. I do my best work with a tangible goal and a general desire to be leaner cause idk, it'd be cool...not that tangible.
Husband says to me "you stick to your goal for 30 days and I'll take you to Disney."
If I came to the forums and told this story he'd be ripped apart for holding rewards over my head and 'bullying' me or forcing me to adhere to something I'm not willing to do on my own or some such bull crap. He'd probably be called paternalistic and controlling.
None of that is true though. He's just a guy who wants to help out his lazy wife.
Also I'm totally working to go to Disney.
That's really funny.
Six or so years ago, when I was once again attempting to lose weight, my DH (then boyfriend) said that he would buy me an outfit (shoes and all) if I lost 20 lbs. It wasn't in the jerky way that most people would interpret it just coming out of the blue. I was talking about my motivation failing and was thinking about using clothes to motivate me.
I never did lose those 20 lbs then.
I've lost 35 or so recently. I'm wondering if that offer still stands...
If no time limit was stated I'd say the offer still stands.
Time for a new outfit!0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
how paternalistic of him ..
sounds like a controlling jerk who wants to run your life....
I sincerely hope that you find yourself someone who does all the things OP is doing for his girlfriend. Enjoy it.
if I had a GF that wanted to cook me meals and was generally concerned about my health I would be happy ...
Sure, until her sexual attraction to you depended on you toeing the line.
nice assumption ..
Didn't he say her lifestyle has reduced his sexual attraction to her?
yes, but you made your comment in reference to what I said. So you made an assumption about me with zero information about me....
The only reason we are talking about you or me is in context to the OP's situation.
nice back track ..
you asked me how I would feel.. I answered the question, and you then made an assumption about me based on zero working knowledge.
when you asked me the question it turned the conversation from the OP to myself...
but keep moving those goal posts...
Ok, we'll go back to you. I did make an assumption. You do put out a lot of bluster about the way you eat on the boards, so I don't think it was necessarily from zero knowledge.0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
The answer to your question is it's called "supper time" in the majority of households. Here's what Mama cooked. You don't want it, take a long walk off a short cliff. Did I just invent this??
Thank you for proving my point, mama. She's not his child, they aren't living together, and she's not the one here complaining food. She's taking that long walk to a fast food place. He's the one having an issue with her not eating what he makes her. She clearly doesn't want him to make her food if she isn't eating it. So just stop. If he enjoys cooking, he can cook and offer her some. She shouldn't be obligated to eat it.
Try again. That was not your point. You were trying to say most people would have some bug up their *kitten* if they came to find their meals prepped for them, which I think you've got to be fairly oblivious to think that's the case
Ok. I'm a vegan. If my husband came home and found three days worth of vegan meals prepped for him and didn't like it, what would you say? (For the record, he sometimes talks about going vegetarian but I also know he's nowhere close to actually doing that.)
I'm not gonna claim to know more about you and your husband than you do. I'm not that arrogant. Yet :bigsmile:
Ok, so we'll add on that I posted that he left all the meals to go moldy and went out to eat instead. Can you then make a reasonable guess?0 -
Some of the postings made me think of another angle. konoha457, while you are seeing no change in her, please remember that she has seen a great change in you. She may be also be feeling some insecurity about your new healthier lifestyle. I say this because after I lost my 44 pounds, my beau of eight years (now going on ten
) said that I seemed like a completely different person because of my weight loss. Him talking to me about his feelings helped me to see how I was putting small pressures on him around food issues when I didn't realize it at all.
Decide if you want to stay or go. If you want to stay in the relationship, go and talk to her.0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
The answer to your question is it's called "supper time" in the majority of households. Here's what Mama cooked. You don't want it, take a long walk off a short cliff. Did I just invent this??
Thank you for proving my point, mama. She's not his child, they aren't living together, and she's not the one here complaining food. She's taking that long walk to a fast food place. He's the one having an issue with her not eating what he makes her. She clearly doesn't want him to make her food if she isn't eating it. So just stop. If he enjoys cooking, he can cook and offer her some. She shouldn't be obligated to eat it.
Try again. That was not your point. You were trying to say most people would have some bug up their *kitten* if they came to find their meals prepped for them, which I think you've got to be fairly oblivious to think that's the case
Ok. I'm a vegan. If my husband came home and found three days worth of vegan meals prepped for him and didn't like it, what would you say? (For the record, he sometimes talks about going vegetarian but I also know he's nowhere close to actually doing that.)
If your husband expresses interest in vegan means I think making him some vegan meals is actually a great step to helping him see how he actually feels about it. It'd be a great chance to show that they can be tasty, varied, and fit his needs (for example being portable for work or holding up well to freezing.)
Yes, making some vegan meals to freeze would be a nice thing to do. Making bids to get him to go vegan because I want it for him more than he does, not so much.
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You can't and don't force her to because it'll only make her dislike it more. Worry about your goals. If this ends up being too big of a thing between you guys then you'll either figure out how to overcome it or move on.0
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How do people get through life being offended by such miniscule things.
If you mean me, I'm not offended. I think he's trying to help. I think it's coming off as overbearing, and considering that he said he's madly in love with her, I thought he might be interested in some ideas about why it's not having the results he wants.
Daiko, my husband doesn't meal prep for me or get involved in my health goals other than listening to me when I talk. I don't think he's a jerk. I guess some people do get to win.
I assure you if you wrote a post talking about your husband who doesn't get involved in your health goals at all a dozen people would flock to call him a jerk.
I thought about that same exact thing a little while ago. There is a huge double standard. Huge. I'm just really happy to see a few women in this thread that can see things from both sides.
So, real talk time. I've been kinda meh about my motivation lately. I want to get leaner but I'm also happy with how I look, so its harder to be as focused as I was 30 pounds ago. I do my best work with a tangible goal and a general desire to be leaner cause idk, it'd be cool...not that tangible.
Husband says to me "you stick to your goal for 30 days and I'll take you to Disney."
If I came to the forums and told this story he'd be tipped apart for holding rewards over my head and 'bullying' me or forcing me to adhere to something I'm not willing to do on my own or some such bull crap. He'd probably be called paternalistic and controlling.
None of that is true though. He's just a guy who wants to help out his lazy wife.
Also I'm totally working to go to Disney.
There is always a dynamic between 2 humans that are together for a long time that outsiders won't always see. They can assume based on how what they have experienced but it won't always be accurate. I personally see nothing wrong with your husband using a reward as motivation. Why not.
In my situation about 2 weeks ago we were home and she says to me "you know what my goal for this summer is? I want to have my back very defined like this" then she shows me a few pictures. So basically lean and extremely defined. I feel it's possible for her. She had great muscle development in her back from us training heavy. All she needs to do is lean out. Approximately 10 lbs. As we all know those 10 are not easy for everyone. She drinks, I don't and on the weekend she will drink a bottle of Pino over the couple of days and I do remind her that she has a goal and needs to hold herself accountable. Does that make me an *kitten* for bringing it up? Nope and I don't badger her either. But every now and then I remind her that she has an achievable goal and I can help her get there. If she fails she can only blame herself. Her goal is vanity and there is nothing wrong with that.
When we first started dating in 2007 there was a day she said to me that she needed a few new shirts because she felt like her clothes weren't nice, they were getting worn out and she felt "raggity", it really bothered me to hear her say that. Ever since that day 1 of my missions has been to never let her feel that way about the clothes she wears. So I bust my butt working to provide for what we need and those luxuries she wants. My plan is to work hard, my agenda is to have her feeling sexy.
People find my comments above offensive or machismo or whatever. But the truth is there is a reason they are with the person they are with and not with me. Because in this life you won't please everyone and I'm 100% fine with that.
You and your wife clearly have an established dynamic. It doesn't come off as machismo when the two of you are on the same page. If she were actively ignoring you or purposely pouring herself a big glass, would you still think you were doing it right?0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
Hobbies are a tad bit different than breaking habits that leave you overweight and your boyfriend less sexually attracted to you. I'm guessing that the second one is a bit more loaded.
Fitness and food prep aren't hobbies?
Does it sound like they are for his girlfriend? Really?
They don't have to be her hobbies for him to do the food prep tho. It's his hobby, as gaming is my husbands. Interest was expressed in his hobby and he acted.
Do you see he possibly may have overacted? If food prep were a hobby for her that she wanted to get involved with, he wouldn't have done it for her. As that would miss the point of food prepping being the hobby/activity. I'm guessing she doesn't give a darn if he does his own food prep in his own place.
If a woman posted this, and I told her she was being too maternal to her partner, people wouldn't really have much of an issue with this at all. (And I would. The more a partner pushes, the more the other pulls away; the more one pulls away, the more the other pushes. Someone has to change, and he's the one here asking for advice.)
I don't think he overreacted, no. She expressed interest on his hobby so he did some food prep for her, probably in hopes she'd see how handy it was and take a greater interest. I express interest in gaming but probably won't buy the system myself so my husband buys it for me and sets it up in hopes I'll enjoy it and take a greater interest.
If a woman posted this and you said she was being too maternal I'd have the same "Really? REALLY?" Reaction.
But again, this isn't about the one act of food prepping for her. Starting from the beginning:
He's asking her to work out five times a week despite the fact that she always refuses. It's "partially his fault" for her lifestyle because he spoils her. How do I get her to exercise with me or push healthier foods? Push being his word. She says SHE wants to meal prep for herself, he does it for her. He's "always talking" about eating healthier. He "takes her out on walks."
It's the whole context, including his very open honesty that he wants her to be different than she is (and has been since they met, even if it has gotten worse.)
I'm thinking that people needed the glitter and unicorn farts for this, even though it's much derided. People sometimes get parental in relationships, I never said it makes him controlling or evil.
In your context, it seems just about everything people do in relationships could be demeaning. Also we have a different understanding of the OP and subsequent posts. When they met they were both heavy - he didn't seem to take an issue with it at that time; I don't see where you got that. *He* exercises five times a week but did not specify how often he asks her to join him, just that she always says no. We already talked about food prep which he did once and is now trying to figure out what's up. You make him sound like a pestering idiot. Even one of the "just leave me alone, dammit" success stories posted above worked out because they finally accepted one of the gym invitations!
0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
how paternalistic of him ..
sounds like a controlling jerk who wants to run your life....
I sincerely hope that you find yourself someone who does all the things OP is doing for his girlfriend. Enjoy it.
if I had a GF that wanted to cook me meals and was generally concerned about my health I would be happy ...
Sure, until her sexual attraction to you depended on you toeing the line.
nice assumption ..
Didn't he say her lifestyle has reduced his sexual attraction to her?
yes, but you made your comment in reference to what I said. So you made an assumption about me with zero information about me....
The only reason we are talking about you or me is in context to the OP's situation.
nice back track ..
you asked me how I would feel.. I answered the question, and you then made an assumption about me based on zero working knowledge.
when you asked me the question it turned the conversation from the OP to myself...
but keep moving those goal posts...
Ok, we'll go back to you. I did make an assumption. You do put out a lot of bluster about the way you eat on the boards, so I don't think it was necessarily from zero knowledge.
so now you want to de-rail the thread because I put on a lot of "bluster" about how I eat.
what does that have to do with this thread?
Second - it is not bluster, my food diary is open to the public and all can view it and see how I eat..
please clarify about my "bluster" and how it appears have someone offended you...
Also, what does how I have to eat have to do with my potential significant other?
ETA - I find your commenting on my blustering about food amusing considering you have a private profile and closed diary.0
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