How to motivate my girlfriend to exercise?

lieutenant_dan457 · January 2015

I've been together with my girlfriend for 1 1/2 years and still madly in love with her. We're both college students in our early 20's, so maintaining a healthy lifestyle has been difficult where fast food is just so convenient. She's always been on the heavy side to begin with as I am somewhat as well, and that never bothered me before. Lately I began exercising a lot more and eating a lot more healthier, I've never felt more alive and was always full of energy. But over the time we've been dating, she's been growing very lazy and unmotivated, and her diet is a bit overindulging and I worry about her health. I exercise almost 5 times a week (less due to an injury recently), and every time I ask her if she would like to join me, she refuses every time (she even has a small gym right downstairs in her apartment complex and still refuses to go).

I feel like it is partially my fault, since I love to cook rich foods and often spoil her with it. But when I became focused on my own health and started cooking more healthier options, she just stopped eating my cooking entirely and just goes out to eat. She also complains to me she is very self-conscious and insecure of her looks, and at the start of 2015, she made her new years resolution to exercise more and eat healthier, yet she has made virtually no effort in doing so.

I feel like her lifestyle is really affecting our relationship. I love her to death and she is still very beautiful in my eyes, but just the thought of her unhealthy lifestyle has diminished my sex drive. While it may seem shallow for saying that, I don't want her to keep going down this path since it'll lead to more health problems and she already is dealing with a condition called hyperthyroidism.

What can I do to approach her that she would be more interested in a healthier lifestyle. Is there any way I can get her to exercise with me or to push for eating healthier?

FatFreeFrolicking · January 2015

You can't force her to make a lifestyle change. You can want it for her all you like, but if she doesn't want it for herself, she isn't going to do it.

Have you expressed your concern to her?

DancingMoosie · January 2015

I find it strange that she won't eat your cooking, and goes out instead. Goes out without you after you have cooked a meal for the two of you? Do you talk about how healthy or low-calorie the meal is going to be while preparing it? Maybe she just doesn't want to hear it. Do you ever ask her to just go for a walk with you? Don't make it seem like exercise, do it for sight-seeing or just for spending time together. Do you do any other outings that don't revolve around food? (Museums, zoo, parks, mall) If she won't do that, it seems that she isn't even really taking time for you or appreciating what you do for her.

lieutenant_dan457 · January 2015

@FatFreeFrolicking:
Unfortunately no. To be honest I'm afraid of bringing it up to her since she then gets mad at me and assumes I'm calling her fat (which I'm not btw).

You're right, I can't force her to do anything. Though how I can even approach her about this without her reacting so abruptly?

@DancingMoosie:
Yes! For instance she complained to me she wants to meal prep more often to avoid eating out, so I take the time one night to prepare her 3 days worth of healthy meals. The day I give them to her, she just goes out at night to eat with her friends, and a few weeks later I find the meals I made for her covered in mold in the back of her fridge. I'm always bringing up how I try to avoid eating out often since it's a lot healthier to prepare my own home cooked meals, and she agrees with me entirely, though it's kinda hypocritical when she mostly eats out. I have taken her on some walks along the beach, very romantic, but now most of the time when I bring up just taking a night stroll along the park or neighborhood, she just tells me she's tired (so no). I'm running out of ideas of how to motivate her and at a complete loss here

segacs · January 2015

You yourself admit you used to have unhealthy habits, until you got motivated to change them. You should know that motivation comes from within, and that it's not something you can force on someone else. If she wants to change, she'll do so on her own schedule and time.

Meanwhile, you're blaming her for changes you've made, and you're calling her names even in your post to us. It sounds like if you're going to stay together, you need to love and accept her for who she is, and support her if she decides to make changes but not pester her. If you honestly can't do that, then your relationship is probably doomed.

DancingMoosie · January 2015

It sounds like you are both frustrated. Why not take a break? Don't make her meals unless she asks. I don't see why you couldn't make dinner for the two of you together, but don't do her meal prep. If she's too tired to go out with you, but she goes out with her friends, yeah, you might need to reevaluate your relationship.

moto450 · January 2015

if she ever becomes interested in exercise it will have to be in her own time. I would imagine it's very difficult for her to see you getting more fit. It may be making her feel substandard Or that you don't like her as much as a result. I would keep that in mind.

I took a long time to finally figure it out even though I had wanted to for years. Be patient with her.

Cheriesaurus · January 2015

My ex loved to workout, he didn't eat healthy though and always tried to make me exercise with him and said he would love it if I did but stubbornness got to me and I was too self conscious to exercise in front of others, even him. It is hard to be with someone fit when you are not..

One day though my friend suggested we go running after work everyday because she felt lazy and since there was no pressure and she felt how I felt (Lazy and unmotivated) it motivated me though since I felt comfortable with her and we jogged in places that had no eyes watching us. I still don't like exercise to this day but jogging is one thing I do like. Maybe she needs some of her friends to encourage her to join a sport she likes for fun and not just to get healthy as the pressure to do sports for health reasons can demotivate some who are not ready for a change like that and theres a lot more pressure then just doing it for fun which in turn makes you want to do it since you cant fail at having fun.

I hope you guys work things out, if you love her now..imagine how things will be if she wants to be healthy with you, teamwork is important and so is patience. Plus you never know what the future holds, could date someone skinny now but overweight later and diminish your "sex drive" then or stay with your current girlfriend who you already love and see how it goes.

^ Sorry had to say it, if my ex said to me now to join the gym with him I probably would. A lifetime is a long time and making decisions based on a small thing at the current time can be bad.

RodaRose · January 2015

Let it go. Let her do what she needs to do in her own time.
Eventually, if things do not improve, you two will break up. The break up will happen faster if you pester her/ complain.

tomatoey · January 2015

You can't force her to be motivated, it's got to come from her, for her own reasons, in her own time.

I don't entirely buy that your lack of attraction to her is rooted in concern for her lifestyle and health, but that's neither here nor there. And really, even if it's to do with her looks, it's not something you can control that much either.

You can't approach her about this in any way without her reacting, because she is (probably correctly) reacting to a judgement about her looks.

I think that if you can't accept her as she is, maybe you should be honest with yourself about that. I would NOT tell her this, though, because it's going to be hurtful. If you don't like or can't accept her lifestyle or looks or whatever, the kindest thing to do is let her go so she can be with someone who does accept her.

If you do really want to be with her, honestly, just stop talking about it. At all. If she wants your help, she'll ask.

--
(If you decide to break up with her, say something vague about wanting different things in life. Don't mention her weight or lifestyle. Actually, judging her for being "lazy" is about as bad as judging her for her looks. You were lazy until just recently. Why didn't you get it together before now? You had reasons. She's got reasons. Lay off her.)

queen_of_disaster · January 2015

The more you push someone to exercise, the more they're not going to want to. Calling attention to her lack of exercise or her diet will only make her feel more self-conscious about herself, trust me, which is not really a good or positive way to motivate someone. Inspiring those negative feelings in her will only make her resist more (I know this from experience, but it also sounds true to hers--if you cook your food and she doesn't want it, she probably feels like you're trying to push her into something she doesn't want to do). If she wants to get healthier, she'll do it when she's ready to... You can't want it for her, she has to want it for herself.

tahni · January 2015

I do feel like you have a right to be concerned about her health. I see my parents go through this a lot. My dad is really active and always tries to involve my mom and she flat out refuses. My suggestion would be maybe to ask her if there are any classes out there that she wants to try (literally it could be anything: cycling, yoga, pole, soccer, ballet, lifting), and then ask if you could go with her, no matter how disinteresting it seems to you (don't tell her it sounds like it sucks ahaha). You clearly genuinely want her to be healthy, so take a genuine interest in the route she wants to take.

I know it's kinda hard to deal with people that are unhappy with XYZ and want to change ABC but then avoid the path to getting there. All I can say is us women are weird and if you flat out are like "If you want to lose weight you should work out and improve your diet" we just get pissed ahhaa. So find something she's interested in so that it can break her self consciousness and inspire her to take on a healthy life style. A lot of times people kinda need something to create a turning point. So maybe she starts out with ballroom dancing then that inspires her to run which inspires her to lift. Best of luck!

ovinas1 · January 2015

Get out while you can....You want a fit women. go get one thats made already. Easy

TimothyFish · January 2015

You can't motivate your girlfriend to exercise. Neither can you expect her to eat healthy food that you've portioned for her. The most you can do is lead by example. The decision to follow is up to het.

Kalikel · January 2015

You aren't happy with her and aren't attracted to her. Time to break up. You can find what you want and she can find someone who does love and is attracted to her.

It's hard to break up, but each of you will get over the other and go on to meet someone better for you.

zoeysasha37 · January 2015

There's nothing you can do or say to make her truly motivated. She has to want it for herself. Until she really wants it, all your efforts will be in vain. I was in her shoes before, I know how she probably feels. The more my husband would suggest it, the more I'd reject the idea. It's because I wasn't ready yet and resented him for pushing it on me. Finally I did it on my own, when I truly wanted it

roxilegend · January 2015

Basically I feel like you need to decide if her not working out and eating healthy with you is a deal breaker or not. Either you love her and accept her for who she is now with the premise that maybe one day in the future she may decide to do this with you, or you walk away now.

SexyKatherine73 · January 2015

you have two choices either love her as she is and hope one day she might change or Move on and find a girl who likes to be fit and healthy like you

cindycoldiron · January 2015

Sometimes, people who start gaining weight feel like it's hopeless. Would she be open to SMALL goals...say losing 5 lbs? When I started I set very small, manageable goals...something I KNEW I could do, and then rewarded myself with non-foodie...like a shopping excursion or cosmetics. Be sure to praise her when she makes positive improvements!

NJGamerChick · January 2015

She sounds like my husband. What I used to do was ask what he wanted for dinner. No response meant I made something I liked. If he suggested something, I would try to make it flavorful but as healthy as I could. He still doesn't embrace healthy eating or even a stroll, but it will happen one day. He is his own person and nagging will only delay it further.

candacefausset · January 2015

queen_of_disaster wrote: »

The more you push someone to exercise, the more they're not going to want to. Calling attention to her lack of exercise or her diet will only make her feel more self-conscious about herself, trust me, which is not really a good or positive way to motivate someone. Inspiring those negative feelings in her will only make her resist more (I know this from experience, but it also sounds true to hers--if you cook your food and she doesn't want it, she probably feels like you're trying to push her into something she doesn't want to do). If she wants to get healthier, she'll do it when she's ready to... You can't want it for her, she has to want it for herself.

This. You are putting more stress on your relationship by pushing her. The best thing to do is to keep doing what you are doing by yourself. Chances are she will see your increased energy, your better moods, your improved health, your fitter shape and she will start to see what she is missing out on. My husband didn't start counting calories until about three months after I did. I didn't pester him but one day he just asked me about the apps I was using and how many calories were in our meals, etc. And most likely if she is anything like me, she might be a bit more stubborn. So it may take longer. But remember, if you are in love with her, that is a much more rare thing to find than fitness. So give it some time and don't rush out the door if she isn't working out after the first week. Obviously leading two completely different lifestyles like that can wreak havoc on your relationships and would most likely result in separation over the long term. But if you truly love her, lead by example. If she does it for you, because you bug her or ask her to, then she is doing it for all the wrong reasons anyway. And really, you should want her to do it for herself.

How to motivate my girlfriend to exercise?

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