How to motivate my girlfriend to exercise?
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There's food prep and then there's "hey, your fat and here's the food I want you to eat in preportioned amounts but this is for later and not for eating with me or spending time with me while eating together."
"Let's cook dinner together" would have just gone over so much better.0 -
Just loving how offensive it is for a guy to do food prep for a girl.
I find it funny to be honest. I know that when I started weighing and measuring my food and she saw me making progress I was told "If you're going to weigh your food then you should do the same for me". Obviously not everyone sees the same things as controlling.
Did OP's girlfriend ask him to meal prep three days of food for her? If she did, and I missed it, I reverse my opinion. Her mentioning that she wants to meal prep isn't quite the same thing. In most other threads, we talk about personal responsibility. He can't take it for her, but he sounds like he's trying to. That probably doesn't feel good to her either.
She said she wanted to do more meal prep, so he went ahead and prepped some meals for her. I imagine if she said she wanted to vacuum and OP went ahead and did that for her no one would be complaining.
He prepped three days of meals for her. Let's not act like he doesn't have his own agenda. I'm not saying that's bad-he has to decide if this relationship works for him or not.
If you got up every day to find the vacuum plugged in for you, you might feel differently.0 -
There's food prep and then there's "hey, your fat and here's the food I want you to eat in preportioned amounts but this is for later and not for eating with me or spending time with me while eating together."
"Let's cook dinner together" would have just gone over so much better.
Well, if I come home to three days worth of healthy food prepped for me I'll be sure to get ticked off about it rather than appreciate the fact that my boyfriend thought about my goals and saved me some time.
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kristen6350 wrote: »kristen6350 wrote: »You don't. You just love her the way she is and if you can't do that (if she doesn't chose to exercise) get out of the relationship. Why on earth did you think this was even an appropriate question to ask? That poor girlfriend of yours doesn't deserve this. If I knew my BF was on this site telling people I'm lazy I'd kick him so hard where the sun don't shine and tell him to get the heck out of my house.
I wouldn't say that asking the question isn't appropriate. I would agree that his mind frame on the whole subject isn't what it should be but it isn't as if he put up pictures of his girlfriend and said "I'm not attracted to her because she's overweight".
If something like your partner asking for blind relationship questions is going to cause you to kick him and throw him out then you have a long road ahead of you. Relationships and people aren't perfect.
Seriously? I really want to let this go but can't. What a way to start out a Monday morning. If my BF can't ask me or tell me what he wants from me, reasonably, without posting it on a public weight loss forum, our relationship is over in my eyes. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I respect your opinion of my relationship, but you have nerve sir.
He said he thought she was LAZY on a public form. That's grounds for divorce in my world. Maybe your's is different. Just because he likes something doesn't mean she has to. Just like every other person coming on here complaining that their spouse or significant other doesn't support them because they don't follow what they are newly doing. Just because you like something and are into something doesn't mean your SO has to also. Ever. My boyfriend loves sitting around playing video games. He doesn't expect me to do it. He's not that fond of shopping. I don't make him do it because I like it. Same thing. I've said my peace, I'm out. This really woke me up and got me going this morning. Thanks OP.
Willing to spend thousands in legal fees over being called lazy. LOL0 -
Look at everything from her side. Thyroid problems, confidence problems, addiction to unhealthy foods, wanting to change but unsure how to begin.
She's got a lot going against her.
You're not going to convince her to change, that's for sure. I tried it with my own boyfriend and it didn't work. Eventually he just got his eating under control and decided to get a bit of light exercise, and that got him from slightly overweight back to what most would call average health. He still eats pretty badly and doesn't exercise anymore, but he at least eats proper portions.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that she will ultimately make up her own mind about when she's going to make a change and how she's going to do it.
If she was asking for help on MFP I'd probably tell her things like:
-I have a friend who recently beat Thyroid cancer, she has definitely struggled with a healthy lifestyle, but she has found a healthy balance. She's a nursing student and she's an incredibly hard worker. It CAN be done! There are lots of people out there with thyroid issues.
-The first step is the hardest. You may not know what you are doing when you go down to the gym, but it'd be worse if you never went! Imagine having access to that the WHOLE time, and never once using it. When you get older, you don't have unlimited access to a gym unless you go out of your way to get a membership or find an apartment with one.
-There's no better time than now. We're young. We're in the best time of our lives to get in shape! It'll be way harder if you wait down the road. Plus, it could have serious healthy implications to stay unhealthy.
-It can be fun. Learning new things, trying new recipes, seeing success happen. It is hard work but it definitely pays off. There's more perks than just seeing the number on the scale drop.
-There's a whole community of people on the internet who are willing to support you! Tumblr, instagram, MFP, pinterest, just about any social media site will have advice and support.
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There's food prep and then there's "hey, your fat and here's the food I want you to eat in preportioned amounts but this is for later and not for eating with me or spending time with me while eating together."
"Let's cook dinner together" would have just gone over so much better.
Well the second one sounds like something a crazy person would read into a situation sooooo
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There's food prep and then there's "hey, your fat and here's the food I want you to eat in preportioned amounts but this is for later and not for eating with me or spending time with me while eating together."
"Let's cook dinner together" would have just gone over so much better.
Exactly. Doing something for the other person is beneficial to a relationship, but doing something for them that they don't want you to do is pretty stupid.0 -
Just loving how offensive it is for a guy to do food prep for a girl.
I find it funny to be honest. I know that when I started weighing and measuring my food and she saw me making progress I was told "If you're going to weigh your food then you should do the same for me". Obviously not everyone sees the same things as controlling.
Did OP's girlfriend ask him to meal prep three days of food for her? If she did, and I missed it, I reverse my opinion. Her mentioning that she wants to meal prep isn't quite the same thing. In most other threads, we talk about personal responsibility. He can't take it for her, but he sounds like he's trying to. That probably doesn't feel good to her either.
She said she wanted to do more meal prep, so he went ahead and prepped some meals for her. I imagine if she said she wanted to vacuum and OP went ahead and did that for her no one would be complaining.
He prepped three days of meals for her. Let's not act like he doesn't have his own agenda. I'm not saying that's bad-he has to decide if this relationship works for him or not.
If you got up every day to find the vacuum plugged in for you, you might feel differently.
OP also said
I love to cook rich foods and often spoil her with it. But when I became focused on my own health and started cooking more healthier options, she just stopped eating my cooking entirely and just goes out to eat.
Just sounds like someone who likes to cook not somebody with an agenda.0 -
OP there's some good advice in here, especially from astrose00. I honestly would break up with her (for the love of god, don't say it's because of her weight/fitness whatever because that would be seriously harsh) on the grounds that you see the two of you going in different directions.
You've got to take two things into account here. Number one (and I haven't seen anyone address this yet) it is highly likely nothing is going to change. One month, two month, six months down the line, can you live with a situation where you've changed yourself, set new goals and achieved them, and she's the same person in terms of health/fitness that she is now - possibly even unhealthier or heavier depending on eating habits. Is the sex life and the emotional engagement going to be the same? Are you going to resent her or blame her? That's not healthy for either of you.
Number two: this is not the fault of either of you. It's not her fault - she's the same person you got with, nothing has changed - you've changed. She's entitled to live her life anyway she sees fit and also entitled not to have someone nagging her to change. Equally, it's not your fault. You've changed - it's what adults do. They re-evaluate and reassess their own life goals. Sometimes that means you have to leave things behind. It's nobody's fault, it's two people who are growing apart.
Your options are
a) stop trying to change her. Become secretly bitter and resentful every time she throws away a meal of yours or refuses to go on a walk with you.
b) keep trying to change her. This will make her hate you in all likelihood in the end because nobody likes being implicitly called fat and lazy. It also won't work.
c) break up.0 -
so when he cooked "rich" meals for her that is loving..but then switching to healthy meals makes him a level 1 scumbag???? really???
Can you please provide a source where I called him a level 1 scumbag? Or where I said the "rich" meals were loving?
He asked for help. I didn't call him names. I said he's probably not even aware that he's doing it. I'm not sure where all the emotion is coming from on this.
If I were talking about the meals I wanted to make and came home to find a good deal of it prepped, I'd be pretty pleased and grateful to my husband. If I came home and found the next three days of food he wants me to eat, not so much. And really? Neither would you. We know you like your moderation. Would it feel good to come home to three days worth of food that someone else deems acceptable for you to eat, or would you rather go out and grab some fast food?
She does state from time to time that she wants to eat healthier. I agree with the comment made that she may not have liked some of what he prepped, especially if they didn't have a conversation about options she might like first. But if I wanted to eat healthier and was being lazy but my fridge was always stocked with the fruit and veg, pre-cut up marinated meats, etc, that I wanted, personally I would not be offended
I state from time to time that I want all sorts of things. It doesn't mean I want my husband to make it his personal mission to make me get them.
Yes, I'd be thrilled if I came home and found my fridge stocked with spinach, pineapples, grapes, tofu, and fresh tomatoes, peppers, onions, and some sprouts. Because my husband knows I love those foods and already eat them and can turn them into meals I already eat regularly. He'd be doing that to support me, not change me.
I know GF says she wants to change sometimes, but OP wants her to change. It's obvious. If it's obvious from one post on the internet, it's obvious to her too. I don't think that makes it him a scumbag. But he asked for help, and what he is doing now clearly isn't working out for him. What he does next depends on what he feels is best for himself and his relationship.
Basically It's offensive that he helped because they both want the same thing
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ClicquotBubbles wrote: »Just loving how offensive it is for a guy to do food prep for a girl.
I find it funny to be honest. I know that when I started weighing and measuring my food and she saw me making progress I was told "If you're going to weigh your food then you should do the same for me". Obviously not everyone sees the same things as controlling.
Did OP's girlfriend ask him to meal prep three days of food for her? If she did, and I missed it, I reverse my opinion. Her mentioning that she wants to meal prep isn't quite the same thing. In most other threads, we talk about personal responsibility. He can't take it for her, but he sounds like he's trying to. That probably doesn't feel good to her either.
She said she wanted to do more meal prep, so he went ahead and prepped some meals for her. I imagine if she said she wanted to vacuum and OP went ahead and did that for her no one would be complaining.
He prepped three days of meals for her. Let's not act like he doesn't have his own agenda. I'm not saying that's bad-he has to decide if this relationship works for him or not.
If you got up every day to find the vacuum plugged in for you, you might feel differently.
OP also said
I love to cook rich foods and often spoil her with it. But when I became focused on my own health and started cooking more healthier options, she just stopped eating my cooking entirely and just goes out to eat.
Just sounds like someone who likes to cook not somebody with an agenda.
He doesn't have an agenda so much so that he didn't post on this message board about how to get her to change. Everyone has an agenda in life. We have to in order to survive. The way he's going about his isn't working out for either of them. If it was, he wouldn't be here asking for advice.
From this thread, I assume that my husband, who talks sometimes about weight and fitness, will be overjoyed when I decide what he's eating for the next three days and remind him of his goals every day when he sits down instead of going to the gym? If he gets irritated about not getting to run his own life, I'll remind him to be grateful.0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
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Sounds like perhaps she just needs some accountability and to become enthused about changing her habits? I'm kind of in a similar situation with my husband. He has been talking about going back to they gym since we met about 4 years ago. I never ask him about it anymore because I think he was starting to feel pushed, but sometimes he brings it up. The other day he asked when would be the best time for him to go twice a week (we both work and have small kids, so schedule can be an issue). So I know he's still thinking about it. Sometimes he'll show concern for his diet, like all the fatty meats he eats (salami, pepperoni, etc), all the sugar he now drinks since he quit smoking, etc. I know it's in the back of his mind and I encourage him when he initiates conversation. but I don't bring it up because I know it's pointless.
Now about his diet, he loves potato chips, snack cakes, pasta salad, fatty Italian meats, etc. He can down a jar of cheez whiz in two days and not think twice. He's actually not overweight at all, surprisingly. Maybe could stand to lose a couple of pounds, but I'm more concerned about what these things may be doing to his health, now and in the future. Also, I know what you mean about the attraction thing. I get so grossed out and turned off when I see him or even hear him shoveling chips in his mouth (by the fistfull resulting in a floor covered in crumbs) or when I he's chowing on snack cakes etc. He eats like a machine meant to devour, not savor the treat. I've thought about it and I realized that I'm the one doing the grocery shopping, I'm in charge of bringing healthy foods into the house. If he asks for something specific, I get it for him. But when he asks for dessert, I don't bring home snack cakes, even though if he were out shopping I know that's what would go in the cart. I make them for him instead! Still tons of sugar and such, but probably healthier than the things that can sit on the shelf til the end of time. Any time I try a new recipe, I ask him if he likes it. If it's a no, I never make it again and I try a new recipe next time. If I keep the house full of food but it's food he doesn't like, he feels like he has nothing in the house to eat and is unsatisfied. I'm trying to ween him I guess you could say. I'll add veggies to thing I know he'll eat. Like adding spinach to baked tortellini. I remember when I started to clean up my diet I started to appreciate foods I never appreciated before. I think he just needs a palate change.
Perhaps the same is true for your girlfriend? It sounds like she wants it but when it comes down to it, eating out sounds tastier maybe? I don't know what you're fixing her, but perhaps it's too dramatic a change for her? Have you guys discussed the kinds of food she'd like to find in her fridge? Maybe start slow, with things she likes that may be a little rich/naughty and make small changes that she'll still eat? Probably still better than eating out! I sneak pumpkin and applesauce into cakes and oats into meatloaf etc all the time and my husband is none the wiser and I don't tell him about it either! He eats it and that's what matters. If he doesn't like it, he'll pick, toss the rest, and make a meal on potato chips later.
And so then there's the accountability thing. I'm sure you've suggested calorie counting? Does she realize how many calories she consumes by eating out? Counting calories was a huge help for me in realizing the kinds of foods I should be eating to stay in shape but also feel full. Caused me to change my diet dramatically. I eat out much less now as well.
Also, the big key I think is the way you go about it. Your language is so important. You may mean well, but say something the wrong way and she may feel attacked or pushed, etc. Make sure that the message comes across as you wanting to help her with her goal, her New Years' resolution. I'm no pro on that stuff, so I'll just leave it at that, but just keep in mind that the words you use can either help or hurt. Be patient, it will take time! Also, as others have pointed out, will you be happy in the relationship if she doesn't change?
Another idea, I recently got a fitbit out of curiosity for a more accurate calorie count. I think it's fun to see how many I've burned, how far I've walked, etc. Makes it like a game. Maybe she'd like something like that?0 -
so when he cooked "rich" meals for her that is loving..but then switching to healthy meals makes him a level 1 scumbag???? really???
Can you please provide a source where I called him a level 1 scumbag? Or where I said the "rich" meals were loving?
He asked for help. I didn't call him names. I said he's probably not even aware that he's doing it. I'm not sure where all the emotion is coming from on this.
If I were talking about the meals I wanted to make and came home to find a good deal of it prepped, I'd be pretty pleased and grateful to my husband. If I came home and found the next three days of food he wants me to eat, not so much. And really? Neither would you. We know you like your moderation. Would it feel good to come home to three days worth of food that someone else deems acceptable for you to eat, or would you rather go out and grab some fast food?
She does state from time to time that she wants to eat healthier. I agree with the comment made that she may not have liked some of what he prepped, especially if they didn't have a conversation about options she might like first. But if I wanted to eat healthier and was being lazy but my fridge was always stocked with the fruit and veg, pre-cut up marinated meats, etc, that I wanted, personally I would not be offended
I state from time to time that I want all sorts of things. It doesn't mean I want my husband to make it his personal mission to make me get them.
Yes, I'd be thrilled if I came home and found my fridge stocked with spinach, pineapples, grapes, tofu, and fresh tomatoes, peppers, onions, and some sprouts. Because my husband knows I love those foods and already eat them and can turn them into meals I already eat regularly. He'd be doing that to support me, not change me.
I know GF says she wants to change sometimes, but OP wants her to change. It's obvious. If it's obvious from one post on the internet, it's obvious to her too. I don't think that makes it him a scumbag. But he asked for help, and what he is doing now clearly isn't working out for him. What he does next depends on what he feels is best for himself and his relationship.
Basically It's offensive that he helped because they both want the same thing
I don't even remember saying it's offensive. I said it's paternalistic. I said people don't usually take to being parented in romantic relationships. If she were the one posting, I'd be suggesting she tell him how she feels rather than acting defiantly. And if they really wanted to same things, this thread wouldn't exist.
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I recognize myself in your girlfriend. Two years ago, I was very similar. And my husband was training for a triathlon. So very similar situation, which I why I'm offering my insight.
I was depressed. I felt like there was nothing I could do about my weight and I didn't even want to try. Talking to me about healthy foods would make me retreat further inside myself. I resented anyone telling me to exercise. I was miserable and no one could give me the motivation to get healthy.
It eventually came from me. I improved my mental health first. I needed to get out of the depression. I was never diagnosed because I wouldn't admit it to myself, never mind a doctor, but looking at the symptoms of clinical depression, I definitely had it. I finally had enough of it. I was tired of being tired and lonely and unhappy with life in general. So I made a very conscious decision to do better. To be happy with what I had. It was a decision every day to be happy. It was hard work. I still slip sometimes, but it's easier now.
After being "happy" for a while, I started having the desire to get healthy physically. So when my husband asked me if I wanted to go to the gym, I said yes. I started small. And it grew from there. After my fitness increased, I wanted to eat healthier and lose the weight. So I did.
Noticing something here? It was me. It came from me, which is why I did it. No one could have gotten me to do it. Talking to me about it and badgering me about it would have prevented me from getting there. Also, I had to work on my mental health before I could even face my physical health. Some people are the other way around though. Some people need to do the physical health before the mental health.
What my husband did:
He didn't nag me. He consistently asked me if I would go to the gym with him, but when I said "no", he didn't judge me either. When I did start going, he supported me fully. He's the big reason that I stuck to it when I started.
He would go running with me when I first started running, even though I was ridiculously slow. And he would let me set the pace. (I've heard horror stories of people running with their more fit partners. With the partners shaming them for how slow they are and "encouraging" them to pick up the pace.). He never made me feel bad about how slow or unfit I was. Now we talk about training plans all the time. We both do different plans, but we support each other by giving each other the time to do their exercising with no pressure that they are "taking time away from us" or whatever.
He always ate healthier than me. We always ate the same meals (I've always been relatively healthy at meal times, its really snacking that was my downfall). He just ate healthier outside of meals than I did. I would down a huge bowl of ice cream or chip & dip, while he would have blueberries or a handful of nuts. Now, I'm looking for more healthy alternatives than he is. I'm the one pushing for more veggies being included in dinner and having more fruit in the house for snacking.
The most important part is that he supported me through everything without nagging. He could have just told me to "perk up" or "get over it", but he didn't. He accepted that I was struggling and let me reach out to him if I wanted something from him, instead of pushing his help my way. He just loved me and was there for me and that's exactly what I needed from him. But when I asked for something or suggested that I wanted to try something, he would do everything he could to remove the roadblocks in my way.
My suggestions for you. Keep asking if she wants to join you when you go to the gym. But if she says "no", don't make her feel bad about it. Just go "ok, I'll be back in an hour. See you then." If she talks about wanting to do meal prep, offer to help her instead of doing it for her. Ask what she wants to make, offer to grocery shop with her, ask if she wants help cooking, etc. But she needs to do it herself, just with your assistance, IF she wants it.0 -
I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.0 -
so when he cooked "rich" meals for her that is loving..but then switching to healthy meals makes him a level 1 scumbag???? really???
Can you please provide a source where I called him a level 1 scumbag? Or where I said the "rich" meals were loving?
He asked for help. I didn't call him names. I said he's probably not even aware that he's doing it. I'm not sure where all the emotion is coming from on this.
If I were talking about the meals I wanted to make and came home to find a good deal of it prepped, I'd be pretty pleased and grateful to my husband. If I came home and found the next three days of food he wants me to eat, not so much. And really? Neither would you. We know you like your moderation. Would it feel good to come home to three days worth of food that someone else deems acceptable for you to eat, or would you rather go out and grab some fast food?
She does state from time to time that she wants to eat healthier. I agree with the comment made that she may not have liked some of what he prepped, especially if they didn't have a conversation about options she might like first. But if I wanted to eat healthier and was being lazy but my fridge was always stocked with the fruit and veg, pre-cut up marinated meats, etc, that I wanted, personally I would not be offended
I state from time to time that I want all sorts of things. It doesn't mean I want my husband to make it his personal mission to make me get them.
Yes, I'd be thrilled if I came home and found my fridge stocked with spinach, pineapples, grapes, tofu, and fresh tomatoes, peppers, onions, and some sprouts. Because my husband knows I love those foods and already eat them and can turn them into meals I already eat regularly. He'd be doing that to support me, not change me.
I know GF says she wants to change sometimes, but OP wants her to change. It's obvious. If it's obvious from one post on the internet, it's obvious to her too. I don't think that makes it him a scumbag. But he asked for help, and what he is doing now clearly isn't working out for him. What he does next depends on what he feels is best for himself and his relationship.
Basically It's offensive that he helped because they both want the same thing
Yes. Meanwhile the guy who doesn't do food prep and doesn't acknowledge his girlfriend's weight or respond when she mentions she wants to eat better is an unsupportive jerk.
Can't win for losing around this place.
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There's actually no problem with breaking up- if you decide that her health habits are a deal breaker, then they are.
Just saying "My health habits were totally out of control until my boyfriend started nagging me and stopped being into me and was sort of holier then thou" said no one ever. It's not your job to fix her. Love her or leave her, yes. Fix her, no.0 -
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
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ClicquotBubbles wrote: »Just loving how offensive it is for a guy to do food prep for a girl.
I find it funny to be honest. I know that when I started weighing and measuring my food and she saw me making progress I was told "If you're going to weigh your food then you should do the same for me". Obviously not everyone sees the same things as controlling.
Did OP's girlfriend ask him to meal prep three days of food for her? If she did, and I missed it, I reverse my opinion. Her mentioning that she wants to meal prep isn't quite the same thing. In most other threads, we talk about personal responsibility. He can't take it for her, but he sounds like he's trying to. That probably doesn't feel good to her either.
She said she wanted to do more meal prep, so he went ahead and prepped some meals for her. I imagine if she said she wanted to vacuum and OP went ahead and did that for her no one would be complaining.
He prepped three days of meals for her. Let's not act like he doesn't have his own agenda. I'm not saying that's bad-he has to decide if this relationship works for him or not.
If you got up every day to find the vacuum plugged in for you, you might feel differently.
OP also said
I love to cook rich foods and often spoil her with it. But when I became focused on my own health and started cooking more healthier options, she just stopped eating my cooking entirely and just goes out to eat.
Just sounds like someone who likes to cook not somebody with an agenda.
He doesn't have an agenda so much so that he didn't post on this message board about how to get her to change. Everyone has an agenda in life. We have to in order to survive. The way he's going about his isn't working out for either of them. If it was, he wouldn't be here asking for advice.
From this thread, I assume that my husband, who talks sometimes about weight and fitness, will be overjoyed when I decide what he's eating for the next three days and remind him of his goals every day when he sits down instead of going to the gym? If he gets irritated about not getting to run his own life, I'll remind him to be grateful.
errr.. really? I dont have any. (maybe just me).
I think you might be projecting onto the op things that are not relevant to them. Your last paragraph bears no link to anything I saw the OP post. You might be reading too close between the lines perhaps? He just seems like a guy who finds himself in a situation where he wants to be sensative and so asks for advice before he puts his size 9s into it.
Certainly not a guy with an "agenda" or who is running his girlfriends life.
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How do people get through life being offended by such miniscule things.
If you mean me, I'm not offended. I think he's trying to help. I think it's coming off as overbearing, and considering that he said he's madly in love with her, I thought he might be interested in some ideas about why it's not having the results he wants.
Daiko, my husband doesn't meal prep for me or get involved in my health goals other than listening to me when I talk. I don't think he's a jerk. I guess some people do get to win.0 -
How do people get through life being offended by such miniscule things.
If you mean me, I'm not offended. I think he's trying to help. I think it's coming off as overbearing, and considering that he said he's madly in love with her, I thought he might be interested in some ideas about why it's not having the results he wants.
Daiko, my husband doesn't meal prep for me or get involved in my health goals other than listening to me when I talk. I don't think he's a jerk. I guess some people do get to win.
I assure you if you wrote a post talking about your husband who doesn't get involved in your health goals at all a dozen people would flock to call him a jerk.
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I'm going on the assumption that he didn't ask her what she wanted to eat. It would be a lot different if she'd told him what she wanted to eat or if he'd suggested he give her a hand with it. I don't think he's a bad guy. I think he's going about this in a bad way. You can't do it for someone.0 -
so when he cooked "rich" meals for her that is loving..but then switching to healthy meals makes him a level 1 scumbag???? really???
Can you please provide a source where I called him a level 1 scumbag? Or where I said the "rich" meals were loving?
He asked for help. I didn't call him names. I said he's probably not even aware that he's doing it. I'm not sure where all the emotion is coming from on this.
If I were talking about the meals I wanted to make and came home to find a good deal of it prepped, I'd be pretty pleased and grateful to my husband. If I came home and found the next three days of food he wants me to eat, not so much. And really? Neither would you. We know you like your moderation. Would it feel good to come home to three days worth of food that someone else deems acceptable for you to eat, or would you rather go out and grab some fast food?
She does state from time to time that she wants to eat healthier. I agree with the comment made that she may not have liked some of what he prepped, especially if they didn't have a conversation about options she might like first. But if I wanted to eat healthier and was being lazy but my fridge was always stocked with the fruit and veg, pre-cut up marinated meats, etc, that I wanted, personally I would not be offended
I state from time to time that I want all sorts of things. It doesn't mean I want my husband to make it his personal mission to make me get them.
Yes, I'd be thrilled if I came home and found my fridge stocked with spinach, pineapples, grapes, tofu, and fresh tomatoes, peppers, onions, and some sprouts. Because my husband knows I love those foods and already eat them and can turn them into meals I already eat regularly. He'd be doing that to support me, not change me.
I know GF says she wants to change sometimes, but OP wants her to change. It's obvious. If it's obvious from one post on the internet, it's obvious to her too. I don't think that makes it him a scumbag. But he asked for help, and what he is doing now clearly isn't working out for him. What he does next depends on what he feels is best for himself and his relationship.
Basically It's offensive that he helped because they both want the same thing
I don't even remember saying it's offensive. I said it's paternalistic. I said people don't usually take to being parented in romantic relationships. If she were the one posting, I'd be suggesting she tell him how she feels rather than acting defiantly. And if they really wanted to same things, this thread wouldn't exist.
In other words, they might find it a little offensive? What does it mean to not "take to" an action?
Words like "defiant" just make it sound like we're talking about a teenager and not an adult. Eh. That's all part of the fun, I suppose. No matter how strange we might find each other's thought process, we still get to seek out someone who might actually understand it and partner with them
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I'm sure you don't realize you're doing this, but you do sound very paternalistic. Most don't want parents for partners. Her own attraction to you could be diminished, and she may not be enthusiastic about spending time together if she feels like you are her father. Food is probably even more comforting to her right now.
I don't know what you should do about your relationship. There's no way for me to know. But what you're doing isn't working, so try something else. If she really wants to meal prep, she will.
One other question-when is the last time she had her thyroid levels checked?
so caring about his GF's health, and weight is "paternalistic", really???
based on that statement OP could never say anything one way or another about a partner that he said he does in fact love….
geez, some the defensiveness for OP's GF in this thread is amazing...
No, the caring about her weight and health isn't an issue. The way he talks comes off as paternalistic, and if a woman wrote this post, I'd say she sounded pretty maternal.
He talks of spoiling her and of taking a night to give her three days worth of food, not because she truly can't do it, but because he's trying to change her into doing what he feels is right. That's going to come off as parental, not partner.
Ummm if you actually read his response o page one he said that she told him she was interested in food prep because she did not want to eat as much fast food...so he went ahead and did it for her because she was genuinely interested in it..
so let me get this straight..his GF says yes she is interested in food prep, OP goes and ahead and does said food prep, and OP is then "paternalistic" for doing what GF said she was interested in....really?
I did read it. You're right, doing everything for her his way is working out for him. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!
You didn't respond to my question about how you would react if someone else decided your meals for the next three days.
how is it his way when she told him she was interested in food prep????
If someone just decided out of the blue and I never said anything about it, then yea, I would find it disturbing.
if I told my GF that I was interested in food prep and would not mind trying it, and then she went ahead and did it, then no, I would not be upset/disturbed.
I told my husband I was interested in gaming and that jerk went out and bought me a DS and an assortment of games. He even had it charged, on, and the stylus out and ready when I got home.
How dare he!
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ClicquotBubbles wrote: »ClicquotBubbles wrote: »Just loving how offensive it is for a guy to do food prep for a girl.
I find it funny to be honest. I know that when I started weighing and measuring my food and she saw me making progress I was told "If you're going to weigh your food then you should do the same for me". Obviously not everyone sees the same things as controlling.
Did OP's girlfriend ask him to meal prep three days of food for her? If she did, and I missed it, I reverse my opinion. Her mentioning that she wants to meal prep isn't quite the same thing. In most other threads, we talk about personal responsibility. He can't take it for her, but he sounds like he's trying to. That probably doesn't feel good to her either.
She said she wanted to do more meal prep, so he went ahead and prepped some meals for her. I imagine if she said she wanted to vacuum and OP went ahead and did that for her no one would be complaining.
He prepped three days of meals for her. Let's not act like he doesn't have his own agenda. I'm not saying that's bad-he has to decide if this relationship works for him or not.
If you got up every day to find the vacuum plugged in for you, you might feel differently.
OP also said
I love to cook rich foods and often spoil her with it. But when I became focused on my own health and started cooking more healthier options, she just stopped eating my cooking entirely and just goes out to eat.
Just sounds like someone who likes to cook not somebody with an agenda.
He doesn't have an agenda so much so that he didn't post on this message board about how to get her to change. Everyone has an agenda in life. We have to in order to survive. The way he's going about his isn't working out for either of them. If it was, he wouldn't be here asking for advice.
From this thread, I assume that my husband, who talks sometimes about weight and fitness, will be overjoyed when I decide what he's eating for the next three days and remind him of his goals every day when he sits down instead of going to the gym? If he gets irritated about not getting to run his own life, I'll remind him to be grateful.
errr.. really? I dont have any. (maybe just me).
I think you might be projecting onto the op things that are not relevant to them. Your last paragraph bears no link to anything I saw the OP post. You might be reading too close between the lines perhaps? He just seems like a guy who finds himself in a situation where he wants to be sensative and so asks for advice before he puts his size 9s into it.
Certainly not a guy with an "agenda" or who is running his girlfriends life.
You don't have an agenda in life? Why not? Then what motivates you then? I most definitely have an agenda in life.
Im just trying to get by as happy and quiet as I can straight down the line (boring basically but content) ; I don't see that as an agenda. To me an agenda would imply having ulterior motives.
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