Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))
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lilaclovebird wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore.
I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
And more coming from a little further west, too. I know it's already tomorrow where you are, so I hope today is a good day. Celebrate those days.Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
Thank you both. Hugs and support very much appreciated. I sure hope today will be better than yesterday.
That said, today's goals are:
- 30+ minutes of exercise.
- Climb at least 6 flights of stairs. (3 up, 3 down)
- Meet my calorie goal as closely as I can.
- Drink a minimum of 8 cups of water.
- Finish up the laundry, which I didn't touch yesterday.
You got this. Regardless of how you might be feeling, you are a strong powerful woman of the new millennium!
I sure don't feel like it... :-/ But thank you! I'll do my best regardless. 0 -
I have read and caught up and am thinking of each one on this thread. I'm heading to bed as I have to be up 4:00 for the race.
Before I forget.
Every room in my house is tile. I put it in and did some rooms entirely on my own. I have been in this house since 2007. I just got a steam mop It is awesome. I just found out about them. Game changer.
Good Luck!!0 -
Susieq_1994 wrote: »Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
And more coming from a little further west, too. I know it's already tomorrow where you are, so I hope today is a good day. Celebrate those days.Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
Thank you both. Hugs and support very much appreciated. I sure hope today will be better than yesterday.
That said, today's goals are:
- 30+ minutes of exercise.
- Climb at least 6 flights of stairs. (3 up, 3 down)
- Meet my calorie goal as closely as I can.
- Drink a minimum of 8 cups of water.
- Finish up the laundry, which I didn't touch yesterday.
You can do it! One day at a time!0 -
@nonoelmo good luck on your race!0
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orangesmartie wrote: »
Well, that's a good start to the weekend, at least! What's the weather likely to be like for your climb?orangesmartie wrote: »Safely arrived in Glasgow. We haven't killed each other yet
It forecast rain, hail and thunderstorms
That only mean more great war stories to tell later! And you can usec that great cherry pink jacket and water proof gloves!0 -
I have read and caught up and am thinking of each one on this thread. I'm heading to bed as I have to be up 4:00 for the race.
Before I forget.
Every room in my house is tile. I put it in and did some rooms entirely on my own. I have been in this house since 2007. I just got a steam mop It is awesome. I just found out about them. Game changer.
Have a great run!0 -
Today my goals are:
10,000 steps
Eat my calories or very close to them
Get my housework done so I can go to work tomorrow morning for a few hours.0 -
@orangesmartie I hope the nasty weather held off and you got to see a beautiful sunrise.0
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Italian_Buju wrote: »Had a good visit with my sister and her family, and my sister's friend and her family. Dinner was great and then my sister and I walked to the bowling alley to get our steps in, meeting everyone else that came by car.
She got here super late, but we had a good time anyway.
Now I just have to get through breakfast with my sister and family and my SO without stabbing him with my fork.....
He was just getting into town tonight, so only my kids and I saw the family today, so we are meeting up so she can see him before heading out.
And I now have FOUR BOXES of peanut butter captain crunch!
So glad you had a nice time with your sister. That is so important!
So what is with your relationship with your SO? Is seems very tense.0 -
Happy Independence Day, my fellow Americans! To everyone else, happy Saturday!
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quiksylver296 wrote: »Happy Independence Day, my fellow Americans! To everyone else, happy Saturday!
Happy 4th!0 -
I have read and caught up and am thinking of each one on this thread. I'm heading to bed as I have to be up 4:00 for the race.
Before I forget.
Every room in my house is tile. I put it in and did some rooms entirely on my own. I have been in this house since 2007. I just got a steam mop It is awesome. I just found out about them. Game changer.
Have a wonderful time at the race!
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raelynnsmama52512 wrote: »Ok, what "genius" at Chevrolet decided putting the battery in the trunk of a Cobalt was a good idea?!?! I had to go jump my daddy's car off after the concert and fireworks show tonight, and it was after we got there that we realized the battery was in the effing trunk!!! WTF Chevrolet?!
ETA: Here in the bustling metropolis of Laurens, SC we have a yearly concert, "Laurens Idol" competition, and fireworks show for the 4th of July. I got to see Outshyne two days in a row lol! Raelynn enjoyed the concert, but had a complete meltdown/anxiety attack during the fireworks show.
Just adding in to avoid confusion!
Think a battery in the trunk is bad?!? The battery in my car is under the drivers seat. Guess how long it took us to find that booger when it died?
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pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
And more coming from a little further west, too. I know it's already tomorrow where you are, so I hope today is a good day. Celebrate those days.Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
Thank you both. Hugs and support very much appreciated. I sure hope today will be better than yesterday.
That said, today's goals are:
- 30+ minutes of exercise.
- Climb at least 6 flights of stairs. (3 up, 3 down)
- Meet my calorie goal as closely as I can.
- Drink a minimum of 8 cups of water.
- Finish up the laundry, which I didn't touch yesterday.
You can do it! One day at a time!
Lately I've been doing it one hour at a time... 0 -
Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
Hey I know previously you said you didn't want to take any medication for this but maybe it's time for anti depressants. I know several people who are on them or there kids are. Yes there are side effects and you need to look out for those especially the one where thoughts of suicide can happen but for those who got on them successfully they have been a life saver. Think about it.
XOXOXO
ETA messing this up again on phone!
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Susieq_1994 wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Despite a totally "meh" day for me, I've managed to meet most of my goals for the day.
- I got out of bed. (Kind of... Around 5 PM. Does it still count?)
- I did 45 minutes on my stationary bike.
- I prepared food for iftar (we did go out for dinner though... Does THAT still count?)
- I drank plenty of water, the full 8 cups I usually aim for.
- I'm quite a bit under my calories, though, so that one isn't a win.
In addition, I climbed (and descended) 36 flights of stairs, 18 up and 18 down; I also went for a nice long mall walk, but I still have no idea how long that mall is... If I had to guess, I'd say it's around 2 km, if not more.
So today is a pretty big win overall, at least goal-wise. Moodwise, I'm feeling weird. I wouldn't say I'm really depressed, more like... robotic and numb. :-/ It stinks. But hey, at least I got a few things done, right?
Yes this is good. So I just read this book by Sophie Kinsella. I mentioned her before on confessions of a shopaholic. I wish you could read this but there are some swear words. It's about a girl who has your condition. It's caused by teenage bullying. At the end she talks about how her condition does not define her. Being a good person defines her. If I could take a snapshot of the page on my phone and send to you I would. It was so appropriate for you. You are a wonderful person and need to define yourself by that.
While I have never believed in karma or fate or whatever it's so odd this book came into my life right now. I would argue fate. I will post what she writes as soon as I can get to my computer or iPad.
Which condition exactly? As I've mentioned before, I have clinical depression, Functional Neurological Disorder, anxiety (I'm not sure whether it's S.A.D. or G.A.D. because my doctor didn't say, but I'd personally say it's closer to G.A.D.), and selective mutism. The FND is the most obvious of the lot, since it's very much visible to others when I'm having a flare-up.
Social anxiety disorder. She can't look people in the eye so wears dark glasses all the time. She can't be with anyone but her family or a select group of people. Leaving her safe places causes instant flee reaction, etc. She retreats to a darkened room every time someone comes over. She is often depressed and any episode can put her in bed for 3 days. The SAD and depression pieces reminded me of you.0 -
kellyjellybellyjelly wrote: »
I believe it is. Is it in your family?kellyjellybellyjelly wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »Thanks to everyone for the kind words.
This is why when people that were not around when my mother was alive (as in people I met afterwards), are sometimes shocked when I tell them the years she has been dead have been the most peaceful years of my life. When I tell them a few stories they kind of understand, those that knew her, have always understood.
I am glad she was never able to poison my son the way she did me. Because believe me when I say that is not the only terrible thing she did to me, it was just the last, as she died several months after that.
Sometimes I tell my DR that I get frustrated with myself because of how much my OCD tends to limit me, and she always tells me to be thankful I am as good as I am, because I could just be a drug addict or something, given what I have been through. She always says she is amazed I actually do not suffer from some sort of depression.
My sister and I get on well, and I am excited to see her. She truly understands how I feel. She is a very big business woman, a strong leader etc, and my BIL told me once years ago, that even a phone call from my mother would disturb her sleep for several nights.
I made sure that I did not follow in my mother's footsteps, and when I had children of my own, I could not understand how she behaved the way she did. I would kill someone if they did to my children some of the things my own mother did to me, like literally murder them.
Ok, enough of this downer crap.
@Susieq_1994 - you are rocking it today! Good Stuff!!
@rungirl1973 - yeah I do not understand why parents want to divide their children. My daughter is adopted (as I have mentioned), and because I could not have more than one bio child, I have explained to her how important it is to me that they continue to be close,, even after I am gone. Also, glad your test went good!
@crosbylee - hope you have a great sunny weekend! I can't wait to go swimming! Pools opened last week but I have not had time yet!
@ythannah - I remember you saying you had a crappy home life too, I totally understand.....thankfully you were able to get out when you did!
@xLoveLikeWinterx - I ask myself that question all the time....I told my sister our mother could have just eaten us when we were young like an animal and saved us a lot of grief!
@quiksylver296 - I was wondering where you were...glad to see you on today! Good Stuff on the lifting!
I am feeling much better today than yesterday and the last few days.....I did not make it to the gym because I slept like crap and had a few too many things to do today before my sister gets here tomorrow, but I am gonna make it a bigger priority. I got a call this morning that my kitchen floor is finally being replaced on Monday, and while it causes me stress in the moment, it really needs replacing so I am thrilled.
I reworked my budget for this month so that I am able to give my son a good chunk of money towards another bike. While the whole situation just burns my *kitten* and I could use the money for other things, I really want to help him out so I am glad I was able to do that. Hopefully going to pick one up this weekend so he doesn't have to walk much longer......he is walking to work right now and it is so hot outside and it makes me feel sad for him, esp having just bought that bike last week.
Next week my boss is off work, so I am gonna be working extra again, but told her yesterday to be careful not to over load me because I am on edge.
Hopefully I do not get too far behind in the next week or so.....cuz I do not think I could skip and jump back in....I am WAY too bother by things like that.....I will not watch a TV series if I miss a single episode, or even a movie if I miss the first few minutes.....everything I do has to be in order....call it OCD
But even if I get behind and it takes me a few days to catch up I will just read along as I go, as long as you guys don't mind me adding my two cents on situations well after they are posted about!
I will be back on and off today, and tomorrow before my sister comes, but if that puts me behind, after the busy weekend and work week I have coming up, it might take me until this time next week to be back on track here, esp if I am gonna make sure I get my gym time in!!
I love you guys! A lot of you have truly touch my heart!
P.S. - Shrimp is delicious!!!!
I am so glad for you for many of the items in this post and for how well you've emerged on the other end. And trust me I get the OCD I couldn't skip either no matter how long it took me to catch up.
I'll confess that I have OCD. I wonder if OCD is hereditary?
In some form or another.
My mom told me my Grandfather every time he would go down this particular hallway he would have to rub his foot on a certain spot.
My one uncle & my mom are very particular about their stuff & have said they'll know if anything is out of place. My uncle's cooler for Christmas the one year was so organized that he had everything in neat piles. Usually coolers are so disorganized you have to dig for whatever you want.
Mine is mostly in my head for the most part & revolves around counting stuff.
That is an easy way to suck up hours of your time without realizing it! OCD comes in a lot of different forms, and it is really hard to treat. The five types are: (in order from most to least common)
Washers & Cleaners
Checkers
Orderers
Hoarders
Obsessionals
I suffer from the last one mostly, but also have hoarder and checker tendencies.
Anyone that knows me, knows I am a hoarder. However, not the kind you see on TV, my place is relatively clean and I do not have garbage. I have to have a certain level of things in my house to feel comfortable. I stock pile all kinds of things, mostly groceries and personal cleaning products such as shampoo and body wash etc…..I also have MASS amounts of medication in the house, in fact, it was not too long ago, that I kept a large storage box of insulin in the fridge, I mean, like a years supply. I have an irrational fear of running out of something important.
Now, as I sit here and type this, I can tell you that if I do run out of say, insulin, or shampoo, or crackers, I can go to the store and get some. But when I am shopping, or looking in my cupboards, I always think, I need more. And if I don’t get more, that is the only thing I can focus on. Along with that, I also have a hard time throwing things away, and don’t really care for new things. In fact, I remember when I had my baby shower, Sarah and Kim (I think I am remembering who correctly)two of my friends, came upstairs after it was over, and opened all the packages of everything I got. Because they knew if they did not, then most of the things would go unused.
I will buy something, say a new package of socks…..they might sit in my closet, unused, for years even, until every single pair I have now is full of holes and have no choice but to use the new ones. Even though I have two dressers and a closet full of clothes, I prefer to wear the same few pieces over and over again, and when I HAVE to wear something different, I am aware of it, all day…..
As genetics would have it, I believe both of my parents had forms of OCD, I think they were both hoarders as well. Anyone that knew me when I was young can attest to all the things my mother hoarded. There was an entire room in the basement full of things she bought and never used. There were things in boxes, never used, that literally, were older than me when she died. But she would never get rid of any of it, cuz she ‘might need it’.
And my father, that was a totally different case……like I said in a previous post. At the time of the finding, I had no idea why he would do that, or what it meant….I doubt I had ever even heard of OCD before.
I have some checking tendencies too, but thankfully with a low count, like three or four. Some checkers can spend hours checking the same thing literally hundreds of times a day. For example, when I am out, and say have to pay for something, of course, like everyone else, when I am done, I put my wallet back in my bag and close it. Before I walk away, I open my bag and make sure my wallet is there. Before I leave the building, I will open my bag again and make sure my wallet is still there, and once more once I get outside, and finally when I am home.
People with OCD are remarkably successful in concealing their obsessive-compulsive symptoms from friends, family and co-workers. An unfortunate consequence of this secrecy is that people with OCD generally do not receive professional help until years after the onset of their disease. By that time, the obsessive-compulsive rituals may be deeply ingrained and very difficult to change. OCD usually starts at an early age, often before adolescence.
OCD tends to worsen as the person grows older. 20% of sufferers don’t respond to treatment of any kind. Mine started around 16 with the hoarding, but there were signs before that I am sure…..it got worse as time went on, and during my pregnancy really started showing…and that is when the Obsessional part started…just slow, but again grew over time. ..Until I was pregnant with my son, I hide it very well, I am not even sure if people I lived with knew about it, let alone anyone else.
This part is really hard to talk about, for the most part. Obsessionals have distressing intrusive thoughts and constantly worry that something they do will harm someone or even themselves, either directly or not. One thing that I think falls under this category is my fear of personal paperwork. I even know how odd that sounds as I type it. I have an irrational fear that I am going to make a mistake while filling out something, causing my entire life to fall apart. I don’t do any kind of paperwork (filling out forms, banking, writing checks, signing things etc….) until absolutely that last minute and then it can take me hours to do the simplest of tasks. I will be ultra focused on this task for hours at a time, and will sometimes sweat or even feel ill to my stomach. Just typing about it now, as silly as it sounds, has my heart rate speeding up. And as ridiculous as I feel admitting that, I can not get it to stop. Ironically, paperwork that is not related to my personal life, paperwork at work, for example, causes me no stress at all, and is done quickly without problems. Doing someone else’s paperwork is fine as well.
I don’t know exactly how to explain it so someone without it could understand, but here is my best attempt. I fear that a mistake such as writing in a wrong amount or spelling a name wrong, could cause everything to come crashing down as it reeks havoc on my life. So writing that wrong amount on my check for a book sale would cause my bank account to be overdrawn, my rent would bounce, thus having me lose my apartment, in turn, then lose my kids, and forever ruining their lives. So, I am trying to write that check for the book sale but over and over in my head, I hear, “Don’t mess up the check, or your kids will suffer.” As I write that, I can see how crazy it sounds. But when it is happening I have no control to stop those thoughts. Banking takes me FOREVER for the same reason....I have everything I can just taken directly out so I do not have to deal with it, because paying a single bill can take hours out of my life.
The intrusive thoughts of an Obsessional person can be very disturbing…..they are always unwanted and never an actual threat. This consumes quite a bit of my day. It does not affect me as much when I am at home, mostly when I am out. It mostly (although not exclusively) occurs with strangers. And its worse when I am in a place where only few people are, like walking down the street, as opposed to being in a crowded area with lots of strangers…… albeit, sometimes, especially if I am under a lot of stress, it can happen almost anywhere. Sometimes, if I am walking down the sidewalk, and someone is about to pass me, I get VERY disturbed in my head worried that I might suddenly attack them. I have never actually attacked anyone randomly, and my DR tells me all the time that it is only an OCD thought and I am NEVER going to actually attack someone, but at the time it is happening I have no control over the thoughts, and I become very stressed out. When I am highly stressed is when this is most likely to occur.
This is also why I cannot drive anymore. As soon as I get behind the wheel of a car I start freaking out inside, that I might lose control of myself and just hit someone, and not by accident. While I have no reason to think I might do that, and of course, no desire to actually do it, I cannot stop the thoughts when I am trying to drive. And I also fear that either I am going to rear end someone, or someone is going to rear end me, constantly.
There is a great book called: Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The Hidden Epidemic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:
by Ian Osborn
I read that book years and years ago and still there were many things I remember in that book (and others), about people having horrible, painful thoughts. I read about a woman who felt she could not be alone with her baby, cuz she had a constant fear that she was going to put her into the microwave or hold her head up to the ceiling fan. I read about a man that could not allow his teenaged daughter to have friends over because he was scared that he would lose control of himself and sexually assault one of them (even though he never did, thought it was appalling, and never would in reality).
Some people with these thoughts, feel the need to confess. They will tell a priest, or a cop, or maybe a friend……the thing is though, they are never sure if anything actually happened or not, OCD is literally a disease about doubt. Sometimes the symptoms of OCD can mimic those of Schizophrenia with the main difference being that a schizophrenic is SURE something has happened, someone with OCD is never sure about anything. And, of course, there is that constant thought that you did something wrong, even though in your rational mind you know that you did it right. Also many people with OCD have trouble making decisions, even small ones.
Sorry for the novel, this seems to be my norm lately 0 -
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@Italian_Buju Thanks for laying all that out there. It is very interesting to learn about. Some of the Obsessional stuff sounds like what I went through during Post-partum depression. I wanted to wreck my car on purpose when I was driving. I wonder if the two are somehow related?0
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Confession: I made out with my high school crush in the weight room during PE class. We never dated or anything. Just the one epic make-out session.
Thinking about it makes me smile.0 -
@Italian_Buju thank you for sharing that. I'm pretty sure I have some tendencies, I do the repeated checking of my bag, I always used to eat all of one thing on my plate, although I have mostly managed now to stop doing that. I actually have a lot of weird things with food, which watching tv discovered a lot were things people with anorexia do, so I'm not sure how come I'm the size I am! I think a lot of mine are checking and ordering things, that I don't really realise I do. My mum knows if I've been round while she's out because if there's a pile of coins on the side it'll have been stacked in height order.0
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pofoster21 wrote: »Italian_Buju wrote: »Had a good visit with my sister and her family, and my sister's friend and her family. Dinner was great and then my sister and I walked to the bowling alley to get our steps in, meeting everyone else that came by car.
She got here super late, but we had a good time anyway.
Now I just have to get through breakfast with my sister and family and my SO without stabbing him with my fork.....
He was just getting into town tonight, so only my kids and I saw the family today, so we are meeting up so she can see him before heading out.
And I now have FOUR BOXES of peanut butter captain crunch!
So glad you had a nice time with your sister. That is so important!
So what is with your relationship with your SO? Is seems very tense.
Overall it will be fine, and to be honest at this point I feel like I can let it go, but I won't because, if I do, we will be having the same fight again next year.
I guess what it boils down to is that I feel he takes me for granted and I don't like it. He is really good at doing what I need him to do, like cleaning or cooking, or fixing things. But he never ever does anything nice for me, like special I mean, and it always starts becoming a fight on Mother's Day, and this year I am not letting it go. He generally is not here for any of the other holidays because he is out of the country for most of the winter so that is literally the one day of the year I would like him to do something for me, and he is stupid. I always do something nice for him on Father's Day, even this year when I was mad at him so much. But he just never clues in.
Overall, he is a wonderful partner, I am not gonna lie. My friends tell me all the time they wish their SO was more like him, and that they wished someone loved them like he loves me. And like I have said before, he is very kind and caring. He will even cut up all my fruit and stuff for me before leaving for the week to make things easier for me, without asking. He is only here on weekends, and will spend over half the time he is here doing stuff for us, even last week he spent hours scrubbing all my floors by hand and bleaching the bathroom and kitchen cupboards because he knew my sister was coming. I did not even ask him to. On Sunday mornings he makes brunch before we all get out of bed, and will bring me a hot tea sometimes before I even make it out of bed like if I am just online or something. And he always makes sure if we have somewhere to go that he gets up and cooks before we have to leave. Even if it means cooking dinner at 11am so it can be taken with us. He also does all the hand washing and sewing because I am terrible at those things.
He has never once, never a single time in the many many years we have been together, sworn at me, or said anything at all cruel or nasty during a fight. He will do almost anything I ask him to....except this one thing. And like I have said before, I have literally doubled in size since we met, and he doesn't say anything except that he loved me when I was 200lbs and young, and will love me even if I am 500lbs and old and bald, lol.
However, I am standing my ground on this. We are not going to break up or anything like that, but I want to make sure he knows how mad I was/am. The most maddening part is that he agrees with me, yet does nothing to fix it. So, I don't take any of his calls during the week, and only talk to him when I need to when he is here. I have also been leaving him on the sofa at night, where he generally passes out, instead of waking him on my way to bed like usual. This has been ongoing for a month or more. But this morning I will sit with my sister and her family and him and pretend like all is well, while inside I will be trying not to kill him......0 -
So, he sounds pretty great. Maybe its time to let this go and just tell yourself he treats every day as if its Mothers Day and like you are special and on the day itself just schedule and do something wonderful for yourself. Being angry sounds like wasted energy and think of this...if he flew off this week and his plane crashed, and the last memories you have of him were these tense weeks...would that be the way you would want it to be? Wouldn't you regret that you put aside all these great things he does, and just focused on this one little thing (because in the end Mother's Day is just a man-made holiday... and probably so not worth this mental and emotional effort).
Not trying to make you angry, just trying to get you a different perspective. 0 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »Confession: I made out with my high school crush in the weight room during PE class. We never dated or anything. Just the one epic make-out session.
Thinking about it makes me smile.
Wow. Why didn't it go beyond that if you were attracted enough to do that? It made me smile too. 0 -
Susieq_1994 wrote: »Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
And more coming from a little further west, too. I know it's already tomorrow where you are, so I hope today is a good day. Celebrate those days.Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
Thank you both. Hugs and support very much appreciated. I sure hope today will be better than yesterday.
That said, today's goals are:
- 30+ minutes of exercise.
- Climb at least 6 flights of stairs. (3 up, 3 down)
- Meet my calorie goal as closely as I can.
- Drink a minimum of 8 cups of water.
- Finish up the laundry, which I didn't touch yesterday.
You can do it!
Same to you with your goals, @lilaclovebird ! And everyone else!
ETA: Good luck with your race @nonoelmo !0 -
pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
Hey I know previously you said you didn't want to take any medication for this but maybe it's time for anti depressants. I know several people who are on them or there kids are. Yes there are side effects and you need to look out for those especially the one where thoughts of suicide can happen but for those who got on them successfully they have been a life saver. Think about it.
XOXOXO
ETA messing this up again on phone!
Darn, switched to computer and realized I did the They're vs there mistake. But can't edit as its from my (now dead) phone that needs to charge. Oh, well.0 -
Susieq_1994 wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
And more coming from a little further west, too. I know it's already tomorrow where you are, so I hope today is a good day. Celebrate those days.Glinda1971 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Confession: I've been trying SO HARD lately to smother this depression that's been at my throat for quite a while now, and it's been so impossible no matter what I do. Exercise, keeping busy, housework, reading, prayer... Nothing seems to help for more than an hour or so. I'm so frustrated about it right now, and I just want to cry and give up--dealing with depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
I had a great day today after getting up. I kept the house tidy, made dinner, had a nice outing and dinner with my husband, did my stairs and even got in a walk. Each time, it's a bit like my happiness meter would bounce up a little, then slowly just drain back down to nothing again. Trying to pull myself out of this funk and attempting to "fake it till I make it" is sucking me dry of energy, and I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I only got out of bed a few hours ago, but I want to go and curl up into a ball under the covers and just stay there forever...
Sorry to be such a downer, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling that way! And I really wish I could help you.
Can you feel hugs and support for you coming all the way from the middle of Canada? Because I'm sending them.
That's all I got. But we're here for you when you need to let it out somewhere.
Thank you both. Hugs and support very much appreciated. I sure hope today will be better than yesterday.
That said, today's goals are:
- 30+ minutes of exercise.
- Climb at least 6 flights of stairs. (3 up, 3 down)
- Meet my calorie goal as closely as I can.
- Drink a minimum of 8 cups of water.
- Finish up the laundry, which I didn't touch yesterday.
You can do it! One day at a time!
Lately I've been doing it one hour at a time...
As long as you are moving forward... even one step at a time!0 -
pofoster21 wrote: »So, he sounds pretty great. Maybe its time to let this go and just tell yourself he treats every day as if its Mothers Day and like you are special and on the day itself just schedule and do something wonderful for yourself. Being angry sounds like wasted energy and think of this...if he flew off this week and his plane crashed, and the last memories you have of him were these tense weeks...would that be the way you would want it to be? Wouldn't you regret that you put aside all these great things he does, and just focused on this one little thing (because in the end Mother's Day is just a man-made holiday... and probably so not worth this mental and emotional effort).
Not trying to make you angry, just trying to get you a different perspective.
I pretty much thought the same thing. He treats you like every day is Mother's Day. No judgment, but if he really is that amazing every other day, I suggest you let the anger go.0 -
pofoster21 wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »Confession: I made out with my high school crush in the weight room during PE class. We never dated or anything. Just the one epic make-out session.
Thinking about it makes me smile.
Wow. Why didn't it go beyond that if you were attracted enough to do that? It made me smile too.
He had a current girlfriend. Oops. 0 -
Thinking about me as a little kid inspired me to dig these out:
Past the bald-blob stage but I don't have any of those on my phone unfortunately, haha.
Anyone have any of themselves?
What a cutie pie!! I might have some old pictures of me on Facebook. Maybe I can figure out how to get them on here...
If you right-click them and save the image url, you can just paste it in here like this:
[ img ] www.yourcopyandpastedlink.com [/ img ]
but without any spaces.
You're close! I think I can fix it. Here's @kecmw25:
You did! How did you fix it? How old are those pictures huh?
You were like a little doll! And speaking of dolls, I had a similar huge Raggedy Ann too. Kind of scary now, but it's funny how that stuff looks different to us now.
Aww, thanks! I posted them to show someone how I looked at that age since I post so many pictures of my daughter on Facebook. Confession: I'm one of those moms
I don't think you looked like a blob at all, you were adorable!!
I love your avatar... Susie...you need to look at that one. The Hey, you...don't give up, OK?
I think that is great.0
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