Not so nice "support"

shamcd

adowe wrote: »

shamcd wrote: »

Honey, I can relate. My husband has just very recently said some hurtful things to me since I've decided to take control of my body. It started out as an agreement between the two of us that we were going to do this together and support each other. He quit, I didn't.

I can almost guarantee you that he's worried that you're going to move on without him. You've gotten healthy, I'm sure you've gained tons of confidence, and you're beautiful. What has he done? Likely, not nearly as much as you and that can be intimidating. He probably did not mean to be so awful, and if he did, move on. You know your husband better than anyone, you know if he's genuine or not. If he's just being a temporary jerk, then talk about it on neutral ground. If this is how he's become full-time, then harness that anger, take it to the gym, and improve yourself even more.

How can you possibly know any of this?

She needs to take this conversation to him. Not us!

No need to be a turd about this, I'm just giving my perspective. Lighten up.

healthy_life2015

I feel for you!!!! I completely understand why you are upset.

I think maybe you and your husband have just established a dynamic that doesn't work for you. This is something that my boyfriend and I have had to work on. He is my biggest supporter and the only non-MFP person who hears about every pound and every frustration and all that. He frequently makes comments about how I look thinner here and how I am working hard. That's the easy part, but what about when I slip up? We have had multiple conversations where I tell him what I want from him and what I don't, and we've had to redefine that. I want his support and encouragement, but I don't want a kick in the pants. If I slip a bit, I don't want him judging me. Think about it this way - has your husband ever done something that undermined his ability to achieve his goals? How did you feel? Doesn't have to be a big thing that totally derails him, but even a small thing may make you sad and worried because you want him to succeed! I have learned the way to overcome this is by trusting him and have asked him to do the same with my weight loss.

I can see why he made the comments he did. Yes, they were mean, but he may just not know what to say. It's not okay, but it is truly fixable. It sounds like you both are supporting each other. I think you need to talk through what that looks like to both of you. It may be what you need and what he needs are very different things.

rayneface

why not start with telling him how his comments made you feel? If he doesn't know how he hurt you, you can't expect him to apologize or act differently in the future.

juleszephyr

I think you need to talk to him about how those comments made you feel and ask why he would say things like that...
FYI I lost 118lbs six years ago and my now Ex-husband just couldn't cope with the new me. He felt insecure and became paranoid that I was having an affair. None of this was true I just wanted to be fit and healthy for our two young boys.
I am sure you won't end up where I did but the change to you will be having a major effect on the established dynamic of your relationship and that can be hard on partners who were happy with the way things were before.
Talk, talk, talk...

tmauck4472

Stop encouraging him to better himself and work on you. Let him be how he wants to be. He will see it one day or he won't. Do what you do and let him do what he does. In all the years I was obese and my husband was not very nice, it made me try for about a week and once even a few months but I never stuck with it because it was for him not me. This time it's for me and 3 years later I'm still trying to get the weight off and trying to be a better me. He has to want to be better for him first and you second.
Tell him how you feel and how his words hurt you but be prepared to get the same thing back.

ferniejoy

I disagree with the person who said, "sorry you let him make you feel this way." Is he very focused on your appearance and not on his own? Has he had a habit of love- bombing and then withdrawing affection? Has he always been an *kitten*, or is this something new? Sometimes strangers are able to give you more support than friends who are deceived.
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tuckerrj

Liftng4Lis wrote: »

I would introduce him to the couch! Actually, the retorts I have right now aren't made for a public forum, so the couch!

Uh, no. He's not a child to be sent off for a time out. In 35 years of successful marriage, this hasn't happened. If you don't want to share a bed with him, YOU go sleep on the couch. Better yet, behave like an adult and tell him, "What you said hurt me. Why exactly did you say that?.... etc."

thin2be2013

He is jealous.....you need to show him he has no reason to be jealous.....men get scared when their women start looking attractive to other men.

sgthaggard

That would make me stabby.

999tigger

He's your hubby and you married him so surely you know what he's like. He knows he get to you this way, which he has managed to do. His reasons are his own. People sometimes do things for a reason and sometimes because they can. Talk to him, he might even tell you the truth, but as you look great then use your head and recognise hes speaking a load of rubbish.

Stop nagging him and perhaps he will leave you alone.

Lisa1971

I'd kick him in the nuts! You look amazing!

SarahW20MFP

punch him in the face

GoPerfectHealth

What he said is about him, not you. He has some problem. The only way to work on it is through communication. It will require a difficult conversation. You could start with this: "When we were talking about my fitness and weight loss, I was upset and felt I needed to leave the house." Why did you criticize me like that?

RaspberryTickleChicken

First of all congrats!! You should be proud! (*)

Secondly, another MFP pal & I have often discuss the often side effects of weight loss no one seem to speak of.

When one loses a dramatic amount of weight and keep it off, the sometimes & unfortunate side effect is it's impact on the social dynamics.

We've concluded sometimes it's sheer jealousy of your achievement. While others may view your achievement as a constant reminder of where they are in their health journey or lack there of.

Regardless, this is probably something which will have better resolution by addressing your dismay with the hubs.

Lastly, I know many who have had success in weight loss & with sincere good intentions to 'encourage' others to do X but may come across as critique & ridicule. No one will do anything unless they are ready to so I've always adapted the stance if someone asks me specifically how I lost the weight then I will share. If they don't I don't say a word because more than likely they are not ready & would only resent the suggestion or recommendation ... even with the best of intentions.

Good luck!

ninerbuff

As in all stories, there are 2 sides. I'd have to hear his side of the story too to be make a fair and honest opinion.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

krysmuree

You're gorgeous, and perfect as you are.

He's likely insecure. You two need to talk it out.

MireyGal76

Is it possible, maybe even just a little, that you're speaking two different languages?

Men communicate their perspective and thoughts differently than women do. (Yeah, I know that's not rocket science), but I'd be willing to bet that he's not trying to be hurtful.

Perhaps you need to write down how you feel about what he's said, and then sit down and talk to him. Tell him how you think he's trying to motivate you, but that you feel hurt. Help him to understand what YOU need from him in terms of support.

I cannot tell you how many guy friends I know call their skinny friends "fat boy" or "lard *kitten*", and they are not being mean. That's just their way of communicating with each other.

Talk to him... try not to attack, but be honest. Use "I feel" as opposed to "you make me feel" .

When I'm talking with my sweetie... we often ask each other things like:
- "How do you want me to encourage you in this?"
- "do you want me to push you to do a workout, or just congratulate you when you've done one"
- "do you want me to remind you to log your food"
- "what can I do to help you with motivation"

And then do those things.

LifeInAWay

Next time, just hand him a mirror and walk away.

gothchiq

I'd have to confront him. I'd be like "well you're no fashion model yourself so what's up with the freaking attitude? Where are your manners, eh?" They seem to think we won't call them out on it. My ex husband told me I had a fat belly (because it wasn't concave) so I told him he had a fat head and a big mouth to go with it.

slideaway1

Use this negativity to fuel you on to greatness! But more importantly, Did you get around to making the Bean Burrito? Was it nice?

sdado1013

TracyV125 wrote: »

You look fabulous! Congrats on your weight loss and maintenance!

I think you need to have a conversation with your hubby when you're feeling calm. Let him know that he hurt your feelings. My guess is he didn't realize he hurt you.

I've learned from past experience to never assume someone knows how you feel. Tell them.

Good for you though taking your frustration to the gym. It's the best therapy!

I think this is great advice. My husband also says hurtful things to me about what I eat or about my body but whenever I talked to him about it come to find out that he didn't meant to be hurtful at all. In fact, as CRAZY as it may seem to us ladies, he was actually sincerely trying to help! He just chooses his words very poorly and it comes across very mean to me. Anyways, I suggest trying to talk to him when you are calm and explain to him what he said and how it made you feel and just ask him "this is how it made me feel, is that how you meant it?" hopefully the answer is "of course not", but either way you need to know if he meant to be mean or not before you can address the issue.

Best of luck!

azulvioleta6

When one person in the relationship loses a lot of weight, things can shift in subtle ways. Maybe he has some building frustrations or insecurities that came out in an inappropriate way. Obviously you need to talk to each other and figure that out.

I was in a relationship for many years with someone who SEEMED supportive and didn't get in the way of my goals. He was naturally thin and gorgeous without having to work at it at all. I think that towards the end of our relationship, he began to realize that he no longer had any way in which he was better than me and that began to get to him. Those little things can become bigger things.

nxd10

I'm sorry. You deserve to be treated better. Something's obviously getting to your husband. Ask what it is and go from there.

JenD1066

Talk to him. The second he says something like that, call him on it. "Why would you say such a thing?" Or "Whoa, that was really rude." Or (my personal favorite) "What's with the negativity? Did you have a bad day?" People in long term relationships often forget the rules of personal etiquette. Remind the man.

HardcoreP0rk

That' s so sad. You need to have a talk with him. This isn't about body image, or dieting, or your weight loss journey. This is about his hurtful words - where they are coming from and whether he can be receptive to your feelings and alter his behavior.

I'm so sorry, and I hope you guys work it out. You look great, btw.

HeySwoleSister

Be ready to respond in the moment. He needs to get feedback/consequences (which is what they are, even though he's not a child, we all face them) re: his actions.

"Why would you say that to your wife?"
"That doesn't seem like a very kind thing to say."
"Well, my body changes all the time, but I'm still the same woman you married inside. Why are you being so critical?"
"What an odd thing to say to me."

Put the ball back in his court. Don't get upset, don't emote, just calmly put him in the position of having to explain his comments. Calm observations that keep him accountable for the words he has chosen to say....they may draw out what's "really" bothering him, or he may be quite embarrassed by his own behavior and give you the apology you deserve. By remaining calm, it's all on him to do the talking and explaining.

MireyGal76

Again.. I would recommend... don't save up your hurts and wait to pounce on his next statement. Sit down, be calm, try to understand. Don't attack. Try to be objective and not emotional.

I know it's tough, but it's doable.

ndj1979

in...for divorce...

ndj1979

EWJLang wrote: »

Be ready to respond in the moment. He needs to get feedback/consequences (which is what they are, even though he's not a child, we all face them) re: his actions.

"Why would you say that to your wife?"
"That doesn't seem like a very kind thing to say."
"Well, my body changes all the time, but I'm still the same woman you married inside. Why are you being so critical?"
"What an odd thing to say to me."

Put the ball back in his court. Don't get upset, don't emote, just calmly put him in the position of having to explain his comments. Calm observations that keep him accountable for the words he has chosen to say....they may draw out what's "really" bothering him, or he may be quite embarrassed by his own behavior and give you the apology you deserve. By remaining calm, it's all on him to do the talking and explaining.

or option D - divorce and take half.

wizzybeth

To all the people with the sanctimonious "Don't ask people on the internet" comments...you're not being helpful. It is often very helpful to get some ideas and commiseration from "people on the internet." If you don't want to be constructive, then just move on.

I think the comments about not really knowing if this is "normal" for your husband or not is key - has he always acted snarky like this? If not...definitely ask him why he's being this way. And definitely reevaluate your methods on "encouraging" him - maybe he's feeling very defensive.