Not so nice "support"

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  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
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    I'd kick him in the nuts! You look amazing!
  • SarahW20MFP
    SarahW20MFP Posts: 11 Member
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    punch him in the face :p
  • GoPerfectHealth
    GoPerfectHealth Posts: 254 Member
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    What he said is about him, not you. He has some problem. The only way to work on it is through communication. It will require a difficult conversation. You could start with this: "When we were talking about my fitness and weight loss, I was upset and felt I needed to leave the house." Why did you criticize me like that?
  • RaspberryTickleChicken
    RaspberryTickleChicken Posts: 629 Member
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    First of all congrats!! You should be proud! (*)

    Secondly, another MFP pal & I have often discuss the often side effects of weight loss no one seem to speak of.

    When one loses a dramatic amount of weight and keep it off, the sometimes & unfortunate side effect is it's impact on the social dynamics.

    We've concluded sometimes it's sheer jealousy of your achievement. While others may view your achievement as a constant reminder of where they are in their health journey or lack there of.

    Regardless, this is probably something which will have better resolution by addressing your dismay with the hubs.

    Lastly, I know many who have had success in weight loss & with sincere good intentions to 'encourage' others to do X but may come across as critique & ridicule. No one will do anything unless they are ready to so I've always adapted the stance if someone asks me specifically how I lost the weight then I will share. If they don't I don't say a word because more than likely they are not ready & would only resent the suggestion or recommendation ... even with the best of intentions.

    Good luck!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,555 Member
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    As in all stories, there are 2 sides. I'd have to hear his side of the story too to be make a fair and honest opinion.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
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    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • krysmuree
    krysmuree Posts: 326 Member
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    You're gorgeous, and perfect as you are.

    He's likely insecure. You two need to talk it out.
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
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    Is it possible, maybe even just a little, that you're speaking two different languages?

    Men communicate their perspective and thoughts differently than women do. (Yeah, I know that's not rocket science), but I'd be willing to bet that he's not trying to be hurtful.

    Perhaps you need to write down how you feel about what he's said, and then sit down and talk to him. Tell him how you think he's trying to motivate you, but that you feel hurt. Help him to understand what YOU need from him in terms of support.

    I cannot tell you how many guy friends I know call their skinny friends "fat boy" or "lard *kitten*", and they are not being mean. That's just their way of communicating with each other.

    Talk to him... try not to attack, but be honest. Use "I feel" as opposed to "you make me feel" .

    When I'm talking with my sweetie... we often ask each other things like:
    - "How do you want me to encourage you in this?"
    - "do you want me to push you to do a workout, or just congratulate you when you've done one"
    - "do you want me to remind you to log your food"
    - "what can I do to help you with motivation"

    And then do those things.
  • LifeInAWay
    LifeInAWay Posts: 50 Member
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    Next time, just hand him a mirror and walk away. ;)
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,598 Member
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    I'd have to confront him. I'd be like "well you're no fashion model yourself so what's up with the freaking attitude? Where are your manners, eh?" They seem to think we won't call them out on it. My ex husband told me I had a fat belly (because it wasn't concave) so I told him he had a fat head and a big mouth to go with it.
  • slideaway1
    slideaway1 Posts: 1,006 Member
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    Use this negativity to fuel you on to greatness! But more importantly, Did you get around to making the Bean Burrito? Was it nice?
  • sdado1013
    sdado1013 Posts: 209 Member
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    TracyV125 wrote: »
    You look fabulous! Congrats on your weight loss and maintenance!

    I think you need to have a conversation with your hubby when you're feeling calm. Let him know that he hurt your feelings. My guess is he didn't realize he hurt you.

    I've learned from past experience to never assume someone knows how you feel. Tell them.

    Good for you though taking your frustration to the gym. It's the best therapy!

    I think this is great advice. My husband also says hurtful things to me about what I eat or about my body but whenever I talked to him about it come to find out that he didn't meant to be hurtful at all. In fact, as CRAZY as it may seem to us ladies, he was actually sincerely trying to help! He just chooses his words very poorly and it comes across very mean to me. Anyways, I suggest trying to talk to him when you are calm and explain to him what he said and how it made you feel and just ask him "this is how it made me feel, is that how you meant it?" hopefully the answer is "of course not", but either way you need to know if he meant to be mean or not before you can address the issue.

    Best of luck!
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,196 Member
    edited March 2015
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    When one person in the relationship loses a lot of weight, things can shift in subtle ways. Maybe he has some building frustrations or insecurities that came out in an inappropriate way. Obviously you need to talk to each other and figure that out.

    I was in a relationship for many years with someone who SEEMED supportive and didn't get in the way of my goals. He was naturally thin and gorgeous without having to work at it at all. I think that towards the end of our relationship, he began to realize that he no longer had any way in which he was better than me and that began to get to him. Those little things can become bigger things.
  • nxd10
    nxd10 Posts: 4,570 Member
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    I'm sorry. You deserve to be treated better. Something's obviously getting to your husband. Ask what it is and go from there.
  • JenD1066
    JenD1066 Posts: 298 Member
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    Talk to him. The second he says something like that, call him on it. "Why would you say such a thing?" Or "Whoa, that was really rude." Or (my personal favorite) "What's with the negativity? Did you have a bad day?" People in long term relationships often forget the rules of personal etiquette. Remind the man.
  • HardcoreP0rk
    HardcoreP0rk Posts: 936 Member
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    That' s so sad. You need to have a talk with him. This isn't about body image, or dieting, or your weight loss journey. This is about his hurtful words - where they are coming from and whether he can be receptive to your feelings and alter his behavior.

    I'm so sorry, and I hope you guys work it out. You look great, btw.
  • HeySwoleSister
    HeySwoleSister Posts: 1,938 Member
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    Be ready to respond in the moment. He needs to get feedback/consequences (which is what they are, even though he's not a child, we all face them) re: his actions.

    "Why would you say that to your wife?"
    "That doesn't seem like a very kind thing to say."
    "Well, my body changes all the time, but I'm still the same woman you married inside. Why are you being so critical?"
    "What an odd thing to say to me."

    Put the ball back in his court. Don't get upset, don't emote, just calmly put him in the position of having to explain his comments. Calm observations that keep him accountable for the words he has chosen to say....they may draw out what's "really" bothering him, or he may be quite embarrassed by his own behavior and give you the apology you deserve. By remaining calm, it's all on him to do the talking and explaining.
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
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    Again.. I would recommend... don't save up your hurts and wait to pounce on his next statement. Sit down, be calm, try to understand. Don't attack. Try to be objective and not emotional.

    I know it's tough, but it's doable.
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,139 Member
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    in...for divorce...
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,139 Member
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    EWJLang wrote: »
    Be ready to respond in the moment. He needs to get feedback/consequences (which is what they are, even though he's not a child, we all face them) re: his actions.

    "Why would you say that to your wife?"
    "That doesn't seem like a very kind thing to say."
    "Well, my body changes all the time, but I'm still the same woman you married inside. Why are you being so critical?"
    "What an odd thing to say to me."

    Put the ball back in his court. Don't get upset, don't emote, just calmly put him in the position of having to explain his comments. Calm observations that keep him accountable for the words he has chosen to say....they may draw out what's "really" bothering him, or he may be quite embarrassed by his own behavior and give you the apology you deserve. By remaining calm, it's all on him to do the talking and explaining.

    or option D - divorce and take half.
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,573 Member
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    To all the people with the sanctimonious "Don't ask people on the internet" comments...you're not being helpful. It is often very helpful to get some ideas and commiseration from "people on the internet." If you don't want to be constructive, then just move on.

    I think the comments about not really knowing if this is "normal" for your husband or not is key - has he always acted snarky like this? If not...definitely ask him why he's being this way. And definitely reevaluate your methods on "encouraging" him - maybe he's feeling very defensive.

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