Husband doesn't seem like he wants me to lose weight... Not supportive
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I'm a guy that's been in that situation where the insecure woman gets aggressive about my time in the gym. One day, she walks into the kitchen, sees me preparing my meals for the day and says:
"I wish I had your discipline."
The next day she says:
"I know you're going to find someone better looking than me and leave me."
It gets old, fast. Advice is difficult to give because only you truly know your situation. One of the bad things is that while you may not be going to the gym to meet someone, his petty attitude could be the very thing that ends up pushing you away. But telling him "if you don't quit being insecure about it, I really will leave you" won't help. He's hedging his bets. Either her whines and gets you to stay, or you leave because you can't deal with his whining, and he gets to say "Ha! I knew I couldn't trust you!"
I suggest that you continue doing this for yourself. You can't fix his issues. If he says:
"you're choosing this over me,"
you may want to counter with:
"I didn't choose anything over you. It doesn't have to be a choice. I can do both."
I advise against going the "you spend time with your friends/you do things by yourself" route, because you don't want to get into a tit-for-tat fight. You don't want things to devolve into "you spent an hour in the bathtub, so I get to spend an hour watching tv while you're trying to sleep," or "you did this, so I get to do that." I know it sounds petty and juvenile, but he's clearly being petty and juvenile. Kill him with kindness: "I'm sorry you feel as though I'm putting this ahead of you. I'm not. This is something that I'm doing for myself. If you still feel bad about it I'm sorry, but I understand. I'll give you your space. I'm going to the gym now. We can talk about it when I get back, if you want. I love you." And leave it at that.
^^This.
My husband is insecure as well. Sometime my workouts get to him, he would love to come but it makes him even more insecure. After a bit of reassuring that I absolutely love him beyond measure, he now encourages me to workout. On days I am not feeling it he pushes me.0 -
_dracarys_ wrote: »michellekeenerhollingsworth wrote: »Lauren. You are not alone. My husband does the same thing to me. Controlling what times he wants me to work out. Counting down every minute I am away at the gym. If I am over a certain time frame he confronts me with 50 million questions as to "what am I really doing?" He *kitten* an attitude...going on about how I didn't spend time with him; I'm making him lonely...blah blah blah. You will reach your breaking point. I've reached mine. I had a not so pleasant talk with him, but I am standing up for myself more these days. These "needy" spouses have to be reminded that they need to build the other up, not tear them down. You don't have to get nasty or defensive about it (I know emotions run high...through personal experience), but have that talk with him and see where it goes. I wish you and your hubby the best of luck and a fresh start!
It's a good thing you don't have anything identifying who you are in your screen name when you publicly talk about your spouse.
LMFAO - we have a winner
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have tried taking him with you to gym, and tell him you need this for you, and the better you feel about yourself the better you Will feel in your relationships0
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@RossAH wins the internet today! I love that and will file it away should this ever come up.0
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Reading the comments about how she knew what she was getting into when she married him seriously made me question how often those users were dropped as children. Lead paint cribs?
Seriously, often times behavior like this doesn't surface until years later. My dad, for example, was a total sweetheart when my parents started dating. It wasn't until I was 6 years old and my sister was 4 that he started having a shorter temper. The shorter temper developed into full blown tantrums over the years until now, the littlest thing is a catastrophe. Out of coffee filters? Break three dishes and a window. That behavior was not there before marriage.
OP - I would suggest marriage counseling because his behavior is highly manipulative. If he doesn't agree to that, you might have to take the time to reevaluate how much you can tolerate from him, because it's not going to get any better.0 -
I don't have a husband so, thankfully, I haven't had to deal with this issue! My friend, and workout buddy, on the other hand, does and had to deal with this last year when we first starting walking together. We walk twice a week, that's it. But her SO would get so upset and pout (yes, pout), and go out of his way to make her feel guilty. He told her that he was afraid she'd lose weight, get hot, and leave him. He feels insecure because he's cheated on her multiple times and he's afraid she'll return the favor. You know what she told him? She told him that was his insecurity to deal with, not hers. She said, "I guess you'll just have to wait and see, won't you?" Sounds kind of mean, but she told me that there was nothing she could have said to ease his mind; the proof would be in the pudding. Then she said, "Besides, it's good for him to sweat; what he did to me was wrong, and if I did cheat, he'd totally deserve it." lol
I know this is a different scenario because of the cheating aspect, but maybe your spouse is worried because you're working out away from home. His main concern might not be you getting fit. Although, if he's insecure he may have the same worry as my friend's SO: you'll get hot and leave him. But I'd say he's also worried about who'll you meet on your journey. As others have said, you could invite him along, but if there are good looking guys at your gym, this might not help. It might make the problem worse. You could give in and work out at home ... Or you could just keep doing what you're doing and when he sees no negative effect from it, maybe he will straighten up.
I wouldn't advise stopping. No way! Don't let anyone get in your way of achieving your goals. But, maybe, you can find a solution that works for the both of you. That's what marriage is about, right? Compromise? I have no idea seeing as how I'm not married myself.
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This is how my boyfriend is sometimes. Its frustrating because he loves working out and so do I but he says hes "scared that I'll look too good".
The only advice I can offer is to ignore it. Continue going to the gym and when he sees the changes he will begin to like the idea of you going to the gym more and more.
Maybe next time he is pouting try sitting him down and explaining to him why it is so important to you and that you want to get healthier so you can live a longer life with him.
Also try getting him to go with you, just getting him to go one time might lead him into the routine of working out everyday, just because he is skinny doesn't mean he is healthy or doesn't have other parts of his body to improve on.0 -
You gonna get skinny and super hot and can have any guy in the world, home slice is jealous he's gonna lose you to some broscience type at the planet fitness.0
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Maybe he's overall feeling a bit neglected? Can you take some time out of a different part of the day/week to spend with him?0
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If you're with someone who can't abide by your desire to improve yourself, and wants to put his own selfish stake at the forefront of that, you've got problems.0
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What whizzybeth said. This is important stuff.0
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Sorry. Wizzybeth.0
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it's not even about it being childish, it's slightly abusive, he's way too controlling of things you do in your life. he should be there to support you and encourage you to be independent as well as have a relationship together. if he does things on his own and yet you can't, that's not a healthy way to think.0
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A note about counselling. Many spouses get stuck after when they approach the subject and the partner isn't interested. That doesn't stop you from going! Counsellors are a handy objective observer and they may just have some ideas you haven't considered. Sometimes a new strategy is all that is needed to turn a relationship around.0
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Do your thing girl, and don't let him steal your joy or motivation. Maybe he is the type of person that just needs to be reminded more often. Try making sure after your work out that you still get snuggle time, and that he is still getting his needs met. When it comes down to it though, you can't make him happy (only he can do that). So I recommend really just concentrating on being happy for you and hope that he will eventually get on board. Good luck!0
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thisdizzy_dreamer wrote: »Reading the comments about how she knew what she was getting into when she married him seriously made me question how often those users were dropped as children. Lead paint cribs?
Seriously, often times behavior like this doesn't surface until years later. My dad, for example, was a total sweetheart when my parents started dating. It wasn't until I was 6 years old and my sister was 4 that he started having a shorter temper. The shorter temper developed into full blown tantrums over the years until now, the littlest thing is a catastrophe. Out of coffee filters? Break three dishes and a window. That behavior was not there before marriage.
Although there is a possibility that people change for the worst, the fact is that usually the behavior was there - but it was ignored.
My very first real boyfriend was exactly like this - he was "worried" about me when I was out with friends, he got upset when I spent time with my folks, he was jealous when I spoke to guys, even my co-workers. For a very short time, I thought his behavior was just "protective," but it began to show signs of being something more. It was then I left him, and he started to show up at my window in the middle of the night, and calling me threatening me. I had to move out of state to get away from him.
When people change over a short period of time, that usually can indicate a health condition - minor strokes will change a person's personality. But selfishness, jealousy, controlling behavior - those are almost always there and far outnumber the ones that change seemingly overnight.
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chantalemarie wrote: »it's not even about it being childish, it's slightly abusive, he's way too controlling of things you do in your life. he should be there to support you and encourage you to be independent as well as have a relationship together. if he does things on his own and yet you can't, that's not a healthy way to think.
Not slightly. It is abuse. This is one of the ways my ex-husband controlled me. This is also a very sore spot for me because of it. Abuse doesn't just have to leave visible marks to qualify as being abuse.
For example.. I talked to a male co-worker at the bar one night with my husband literally standing next to me listening to the conversation, and out of nowhere he throws my car keys at the wall and stormed out. He then proceeded to scream at me outside the bar about talking to other guys. I was told I couldn't talk to the guy anymore either.
Funny thing. My husband had been cheating on me before I even fully got my name changed over. The marriage didn't even last a year and a half.
OP, yes please seek out marriage counseling. Though if your husband is anything like mine was he may very well refuse because he feels he is not in the wrong. At that point I would suggest you consider your options for leaving. It's not an easy thing to hear, I totally get that, but you do not deserve to live a life where you are manipulated for everything you do.
Good luck!0 -
Hmm I have a selfish husband too. What he probably thinks is hes going to guilt trip you until you have no motivation and just stop. Hes probably worried your going to get slim and hot and leave him for another guy because you will have great self esteem and hes self pitting himself because he knows hes an *kitten*.0
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You have s bigger problem than the workout one. He's abusing you. Did he pressure you into marrying him soon after you met?0
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PrizePopple wrote: »chantalemarie wrote: »it's not even about it being childish, it's slightly abusive, he's way too controlling of things you do in your life. he should be there to support you and encourage you to be independent as well as have a relationship together. if he does things on his own and yet you can't, that's not a healthy way to think.
Not slightly. It is abuse. This is one of the ways my ex-husband controlled me. This is also a very sore spot for me because of it. Abuse doesn't just have to leave visible marks to qualify as being abuse.
For example.. I talked to a male co-worker at the bar one night with my husband literally standing next to me listening to the conversation, and out of nowhere he throws my car keys at the wall and stormed out. He then proceeded to scream at me outside the bar about talking to other guys. I was told I couldn't talk to the guy anymore either.
Funny thing. My husband had been cheating on me before I even fully got my name changed over. The marriage didn't even last a year and a half.
OP, yes please seek out marriage counseling. Though if your husband is anything like mine was he may very well refuse because he feels he is not in the wrong. At that point I would suggest you consider your options for leaving. It's not an easy thing to hear, I totally get that, but you do not deserve to live a life where you are manipulated for everything you do.
Good luck!
Right. I think this definitely needs to be spelled out. Someone who exhibits controlling and manipulative behavior (pouting until they get their way) is being emotionally abusive.
Even if it never escalates past that point it's still unacceptable and unhealthy, and it has to change.0
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