Four bags of Oreos
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This is an interesting perception and merely a projection of your own stuff.Chrysalid2014 wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
2 oreos is around 100 calories
I fail to see the issue
The issue is not simply one of CICO. The OP's husband has a chronic medical condition that is often exacerbated by certain foods (ie. those with refined sugar). Just because you and others fail to see the issue does not mean that there is no issue.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Some people appear to get very het up by others making a decision to quit junk food. Those people must feel very defensive and insecure about choosing to eat such things themselves.
Yeah 'cause the husband bought 4 packs of oreos to have 2 cookies everyday
The vast majority of the replies are assuming the OP's husband is overeating and heading down a dangerous road. Did you read the whole thread? You are arguing with a small minority of the posts in a 15 page thread?
We're assuming this because the husband is morbidly obese, has been so for quite a few years, already had WLS and because of, later, the OP's deeper description on the subject.
I believe her point is that the thread as a whole seems to already acknowledge that the husband's behavior is deeply unhealthy, so there's no need to debunk an argument (that he bought the cookies to eat in moderation according to a diabetic-approved diet) that no one is making. (The early posts were different, before the whole story came out.)
But who knows, I've kind of lost track of what anyone is even arguing about.0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »
This is an interesting perception and merely a projection of your own stuff.Chrysalid2014 wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
2 oreos is around 100 calories
I fail to see the issue
The issue is not simply one of CICO. The OP's husband has a chronic medical condition that is often exacerbated by certain foods (ie. those with refined sugar). Just because you and others fail to see the issue does not mean that there is no issue.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Some people appear to get very het up by others making a decision to quit junk food. Those people must feel very defensive and insecure about choosing to eat such things themselves.
Yeah 'cause the husband bought 4 packs of oreos to have 2 cookies everyday
The vast majority of the replies are assuming the OP's husband is overeating and heading down a dangerous road. Did you read the whole thread? You are arguing with a small minority of the posts in a 15 page thread?
We're assuming this because the husband is morbidly obese, has been so for quite a few years, already had WLS and because of, later, the OP's deeper description on the subject.
I believe her point is that the thread as a whole seems to already acknowledge that the husband's behavior is deeply unhealthy, so there's no need to debunk an argument (that he bought the cookies to eat in moderation according to a diabetic-approved diet) that no one is making. (The early posts were different, before the whole story came out.)
But who knows, I've kind of lost track of what anyone is even arguing about.
Oh, I see. Must have misunderstood.
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This is an interesting perception and merely a projection of your own stuff.Chrysalid2014 wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
2 oreos is around 100 calories
I fail to see the issue
The issue is not simply one of CICO. The OP's husband has a chronic medical condition that is often exacerbated by certain foods (ie. those with refined sugar). Just because you and others fail to see the issue does not mean that there is no issue.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Some people appear to get very het up by others making a decision to quit junk food. Those people must feel very defensive and insecure about choosing to eat such things themselves.
Yeah 'cause the husband bought 4 packs of oreos to have 2 cookies everyday
The vast majority of the replies are assuming the OP's husband is overeating and heading down a dangerous road. Did you read the whole thread? You are arguing with a small minority of the posts in a 15 page thread?
I'm sorry that you are upset about which post I decided to respond to....Also please explain what you mean?
I was being sarcastic.
I mean that you are saying that this thread is typical MFP getting upset at the notion of someone giving up junk food. While there have been a few posts trying to rationalize the Oreos, the vast majority of the replies are assuming there is a serious health issue here and trying to give OP advise on how to deal with it.0 -
janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »This reminds me of that one thread a few months ago where a mother made a post about how her teenage daughter was gaining a lot of weight in a short period of time and bingeing and eating copious amounts of unhealthy food and wanted advice on how to talk to her about changing her habits. Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom. People are ridiculous.
While some people made very good points, keep in mind a large amount of us are here because we have terrible habits that led us to having health issues such as obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes etc etc etc. The point I'm trying to make is not everyone is qualified to tell you how to handle the situation as many people have proven in this forum.
I think I remember that thread and your summary of it seems biased and incorrect.
Nobody said the mom should "show no concern." What many people said, (some based on their own personal experiences with over-eating and how their parents handled it) was that the mother should be careful in how she addresses the issue. Why? Because at the end of the day we do own our own consumption. Forbidding a spouse or child from eating certain things isn't going to help if they aren't ready to make a change.
I'm not so sure we are referring to the same thread here but I remember very clearly it was one of those posts with 10+ pages and many many many people just said leave her be, let her learn on her own, don't bug her, things along those lines.
What would you recommend? I don't think "show no concern" is an accurate summary of advice on that thread. "Don't bug her" is very different than "be indifferent."
I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. The point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone. There is nothing wrong with expressing concern about unhealthy habits to a loved one. More people should do it.0 -
janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »This reminds me of that one thread a few months ago where a mother made a post about how her teenage daughter was gaining a lot of weight in a short period of time and bingeing and eating copious amounts of unhealthy food and wanted advice on how to talk to her about changing her habits. Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom. People are ridiculous.
While some people made very good points, keep in mind a large amount of us are here because we have terrible habits that led us to having health issues such as obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes etc etc etc. The point I'm trying to make is not everyone is qualified to tell you how to handle the situation as many people have proven in this forum.
I think I remember that thread and your summary of it seems biased and incorrect.
Nobody said the mom should "show no concern." What many people said, (some based on their own personal experiences with over-eating and how their parents handled it) was that the mother should be careful in how she addresses the issue. Why? Because at the end of the day we do own our own consumption. Forbidding a spouse or child from eating certain things isn't going to help if they aren't ready to make a change.
I'm not so sure we are referring to the same thread here but I remember very clearly it was one of those posts with 10+ pages and many many many people just said leave her be, let her learn on her own, don't bug her, things along those lines.
What would you recommend? I don't think "show no concern" is an accurate summary of advice on that thread. "Don't bug her" is very different than "be indifferent."
I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. The point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone. There is nothing wrong with expressing concern about unhealthy habits to a loved one. More people should do it.
My point is that I don't think a single person said "show no concern," which was how you summarized what "everyone" said. What many people advised was to avoid making the daughter's intake a point of contention between the two or beginning a struggle for control. Which is actually good advice for dealing with addicts or people struggling with compulsive behavior and is totally different than "showing no concern."0 -
janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »This reminds me of that one thread a few months ago where a mother made a post about how her teenage daughter was gaining a lot of weight in a short period of time and bingeing and eating copious amounts of unhealthy food and wanted advice on how to talk to her about changing her habits. Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom. People are ridiculous.
While some people made very good points, keep in mind a large amount of us are here because we have terrible habits that led us to having health issues such as obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes etc etc etc. The point I'm trying to make is not everyone is qualified to tell you how to handle the situation as many people have proven in this forum.
I think I remember that thread and your summary of it seems biased and incorrect.
Nobody said the mom should "show no concern." What many people said, (some based on their own personal experiences with over-eating and how their parents handled it) was that the mother should be careful in how she addresses the issue. Why? Because at the end of the day we do own our own consumption. Forbidding a spouse or child from eating certain things isn't going to help if they aren't ready to make a change.
I'm not so sure we are referring to the same thread here but I remember very clearly it was one of those posts with 10+ pages and many many many people just said leave her be, let her learn on her own, don't bug her, things along those lines.
What would you recommend? I don't think "show no concern" is an accurate summary of advice on that thread. "Don't bug her" is very different than "be indifferent."
I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. The point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone. There is nothing wrong with expressing concern about unhealthy habits to a loved one. More people should do it.
My point is that I don't think a single person said "show no concern," which was how you summarized what "everyone" said. What many people advised was to avoid making the daughter's intake a point of contention between the two or beginning a struggle for control. Which is actually good advice for dealing with addicts or people struggling with compulsive behavior and is totally different than "showing no concern."
Again, I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. I also never said that 'everyone' said that. I said the point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone and not bother her about her eating habits. And no, it's not good advice. You can speak to a loved one and express concern and keep the discussion polite while talking about the problems at hand. She should be concerned and she should express that concern because these bad habits could easily result in future problems such as diabetes, heart attacks, the list could go on. If I was in that situation myself, as a mother, I would kick myself if my daughter developed such issues and had never said anything, or just let her 'learn on her own'. On the other hand I'm not saying she should have just taken matters into her own hands and tried to control what her daughter consumed.0 -
This is an interesting perception and merely a projection of your own stuff.Chrysalid2014 wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
2 oreos is around 100 calories
I fail to see the issue
The issue is not simply one of CICO. The OP's husband has a chronic medical condition that is often exacerbated by certain foods (ie. those with refined sugar). Just because you and others fail to see the issue does not mean that there is no issue.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Some people appear to get very het up by others making a decision to quit junk food. Those people must feel very defensive and insecure about choosing to eat such things themselves.
Yeah 'cause the husband bought 4 packs of oreos to have 2 cookies everyday
Did he?
Based on his history (according to the OP), habits and ongoing weight problem, I'm leaning toward no on this one, and as far as the first night, definitely no, as he had 8 of them. Just in case this was honestly a question.
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APeacefulWarrior wrote: »heathervazquez75 wrote: »By the way you are not alone! You have this community of people who can totally relate. Utilize us! We will help you reach your goals! The longer you change you habits the more your man is going to have to adjust and eventually he will be more supportive.
Thank you... that's part of why I'm here... this community is amazing - even the PITAs who want proof of everything (you know who you are!)
This is rough, but I have to agree with the poster who said that you knew what you were getting into since he was so heavy when you got together.
You can't MAKE him do anything he doesn't want to do. I also don't think it was a coincidence that he brought home all the goodies after your mutual decision to get healthier.
The way I see it you have a few choices.
Leave him and cut your losses. Move ahead with your life and leave him to his 'existence'.
OR
Stay there and just do your thing. You can't change the way he is, but you can change the way you react to him. I say be prepared though. He's going to try and sabotage you again and again. He is going to be scared of you losing weight because he feels safe in the rut you are both in. He does't want to be trapped in it alone, but he's not ready to change yet. You're going to have to be extra strong and find your motivation/accountability from somewhere other than him.
Just don't enable him. Don't cook him separate fatty high calorie sugary foods. Don't buy him foods that he shouldn't eat. I'm all for IIFYM but if he's already on THREE diabetes meds and his dad died from complications of diabetes then in his case there ARE bad foods that *HE* should strictly limit. Don't enable him to kill or cripple himself. If he buys it, then just let him be. Don't make comments or faces, it'll just cause him to push back and eat more. It's unfortunate that it effects you but, it is his life to use or throw away as he pleases.
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janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »This reminds me of that one thread a few months ago where a mother made a post about how her teenage daughter was gaining a lot of weight in a short period of time and bingeing and eating copious amounts of unhealthy food and wanted advice on how to talk to her about changing her habits. Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom. People are ridiculous.
While some people made very good points, keep in mind a large amount of us are here because we have terrible habits that led us to having health issues such as obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes etc etc etc. The point I'm trying to make is not everyone is qualified to tell you how to handle the situation as many people have proven in this forum.
I think I remember that thread and your summary of it seems biased and incorrect.
Nobody said the mom should "show no concern." What many people said, (some based on their own personal experiences with over-eating and how their parents handled it) was that the mother should be careful in how she addresses the issue. Why? Because at the end of the day we do own our own consumption. Forbidding a spouse or child from eating certain things isn't going to help if they aren't ready to make a change.
I'm not so sure we are referring to the same thread here but I remember very clearly it was one of those posts with 10+ pages and many many many people just said leave her be, let her learn on her own, don't bug her, things along those lines.
What would you recommend? I don't think "show no concern" is an accurate summary of advice on that thread. "Don't bug her" is very different than "be indifferent."
I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. The point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone. There is nothing wrong with expressing concern about unhealthy habits to a loved one. More people should do it.
My point is that I don't think a single person said "show no concern," which was how you summarized what "everyone" said. What many people advised was to avoid making the daughter's intake a point of contention between the two or beginning a struggle for control. Which is actually good advice for dealing with addicts or people struggling with compulsive behavior and is totally different than "showing no concern."
Again, I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. I also never said that 'everyone' said that. I said the point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone and not bother her about her eating habits. And no, it's not good advice. You can speak to a loved one and express concern and keep the discussion polite while talking about the problems at hand. She should be concerned and she should express that concern because these bad habits could easily result in future problems such as diabetes, heart attacks, the list could go on. If I was in that situation myself, as a mother, I would kick myself if my daughter developed such issues and had never said anything, or just let her 'learn on her own'. On the other hand I'm not saying she should have just taken matters into her own hands and tried to control what her daughter consumed.
You said: "Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom."
If you didn't mean to write "everyone" and now want to clarify, that's fine. If you didn't mean that people were saying "show no concern," perhaps you should have chosen different words.
My point is that when people were giving advice to avoid making it a point of contention, that isn't the same thing as "show no concern." I believe you are twisting what the majority of the advice was in that thread -- people were generally advising that the mother shouldn't try to control what her daughter was eating or make it a point of contention between the two (again, great advice for those interacting with addicts or those in the grip of compulsive behavior). But many people DID stress that the mother should show concern for her daughter in ways that wouldn't be controlling or cause more tension between the two.
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Just don't enable him. Don't cook him separate fatty high calorie sugary foods. Don't buy him foods that he shouldn't eat. I'm all for IIFYM but if he's already on THREE diabetes meds and his dad died from complications of diabetes then in his case there ARE bad foods that *HE* should strictly limit. Don't enable him to kill or cripple himself. If he buys it, then just let him be. Don't make comments or faces, it'll just cause him to push back and eat more. It's unfortunate that it effects you but, it is his life to use or throw away as he pleases.
I agree with this. This is what I do in my house. My husband will often go out for fast food, etc. because he doesn't like what I cooked. I'm fine with that. He's a grown-up and he's making his own decisions. (He is very overweight and his fasting BGs haven't been all that great these past three times.) I either eat, within my calorie goals, some of the "goodies" he picks up, or I don't eat them. I don't pull faces at him or comment or anything. He also has his bags of "goodies" in the back, things that I just never really eat, not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with them. But I don't want the kids digging into them so he keeps his stuff out near his college fridge (where he has more goodies).
I don't enable him, but I don't "tell" (or even hint) what he "should" eat, either. He's not a drooling moron, he knows what diabetes is, what a heart attack is, and what high blood pressure is (and so does the OP's husband according to her, as they've had many conversations on this subject) - I don't need to hammer it home. He knows exactly why he's on a CPAP, having maxed out during his sleep study at 40 breathing cessations within one hour. He knows he is heading toward Big & Tall stores and will soon no longer be able to shop in "regular" stores, having recently "upgraded" to 3Xs (which were hard enough to find) and discovering that his stomach pushes them out so that they're short and show his belly when he reaches or bends. He already knows how to get thin, and he knows how to stay fat, and he makes that choice every day, just like I do for me.
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I should have said in the first post, 'Most people.'janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »This reminds me of that one thread a few months ago where a mother made a post about how her teenage daughter was gaining a lot of weight in a short period of time and bingeing and eating copious amounts of unhealthy food and wanted advice on how to talk to her about changing her habits. Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom. People are ridiculous.
While some people made very good points, keep in mind a large amount of us are here because we have terrible habits that led us to having health issues such as obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes etc etc etc. The point I'm trying to make is not everyone is qualified to tell you how to handle the situation as many people have proven in this forum.
I think I remember that thread and your summary of it seems biased and incorrect.
Nobody said the mom should "show no concern." What many people said, (some based on their own personal experiences with over-eating and how their parents handled it) was that the mother should be careful in how she addresses the issue. Why? Because at the end of the day we do own our own consumption. Forbidding a spouse or child from eating certain things isn't going to help if they aren't ready to make a change.
I'm not so sure we are referring to the same thread here but I remember very clearly it was one of those posts with 10+ pages and many many many people just said leave her be, let her learn on her own, don't bug her, things along those lines.
What would you recommend? I don't think "show no concern" is an accurate summary of advice on that thread. "Don't bug her" is very different than "be indifferent."
I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. The point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone. There is nothing wrong with expressing concern about unhealthy habits to a loved one. More people should do it.
My point is that I don't think a single person said "show no concern," which was how you summarized what "everyone" said. What many people advised was to avoid making the daughter's intake a point of contention between the two or beginning a struggle for control. Which is actually good advice for dealing with addicts or people struggling with compulsive behavior and is totally different than "showing no concern."
Again, I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. I also never said that 'everyone' said that. I said the point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone and not bother her about her eating habits. And no, it's not good advice. You can speak to a loved one and express concern and keep the discussion polite while talking about the problems at hand. She should be concerned and she should express that concern because these bad habits could easily result in future problems such as diabetes, heart attacks, the list could go on. If I was in that situation myself, as a mother, I would kick myself if my daughter developed such issues and had never said anything, or just let her 'learn on her own'. On the other hand I'm not saying she should have just taken matters into her own hands and tried to control what her daughter consumed.
You said: "Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom."
If you didn't mean to write "everyone" and now want to clarify, that's fine. If you didn't mean that people were saying "show no concern," perhaps you should have chosen different words.
My point is that when people were giving advice to avoid making it a point of contention, that isn't the same thing as "show no concern." I believe you are twisting what the majority of the advice was in that thread -- people were generally advising that the mother shouldn't try to control what her daughter was eating or make it a point of contention between the two (again, great advice for those interacting with addicts or those in the grip of compulsive behavior). But many people DID stress that the mother should show concern for her daughter in ways that wouldn't be controlling or cause more tension between the two.
We obviously remember the thread in different ways. Majority thought that the mom should leave her daughter be and let her figure it out on her own so as not to be a bad mom who fat shames her daughter. You believe the majority believed just the opposite of that point. So at this point we just have to agree to disagree.0 -
What a tough situation for you to be in. I would have a hard time due to my lack of willpower. It is very easy for people to say "just don't eat it" but when the food is sitting in front of you sometimes those urges are just too much. I'm sure your husband's health is important to you too, but we can't make people change unless they want to, all we can do is encourage them to be healthy. But, you do need to sit him down and let him know that bringing these foods around you is unacceptable and hurtful to your goals. Maybe he has a place where he can keep his "stash" that is out of sight from you?
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I should have said in the first post, 'Most people.'janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »This reminds me of that one thread a few months ago where a mother made a post about how her teenage daughter was gaining a lot of weight in a short period of time and bingeing and eating copious amounts of unhealthy food and wanted advice on how to talk to her about changing her habits. Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom. People are ridiculous.
While some people made very good points, keep in mind a large amount of us are here because we have terrible habits that led us to having health issues such as obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes etc etc etc. The point I'm trying to make is not everyone is qualified to tell you how to handle the situation as many people have proven in this forum.
I think I remember that thread and your summary of it seems biased and incorrect.
Nobody said the mom should "show no concern." What many people said, (some based on their own personal experiences with over-eating and how their parents handled it) was that the mother should be careful in how she addresses the issue. Why? Because at the end of the day we do own our own consumption. Forbidding a spouse or child from eating certain things isn't going to help if they aren't ready to make a change.
I'm not so sure we are referring to the same thread here but I remember very clearly it was one of those posts with 10+ pages and many many many people just said leave her be, let her learn on her own, don't bug her, things along those lines.
What would you recommend? I don't think "show no concern" is an accurate summary of advice on that thread. "Don't bug her" is very different than "be indifferent."
I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. The point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone. There is nothing wrong with expressing concern about unhealthy habits to a loved one. More people should do it.
My point is that I don't think a single person said "show no concern," which was how you summarized what "everyone" said. What many people advised was to avoid making the daughter's intake a point of contention between the two or beginning a struggle for control. Which is actually good advice for dealing with addicts or people struggling with compulsive behavior and is totally different than "showing no concern."
Again, I never said that those were the exact words of posters in that old forum. I also never said that 'everyone' said that. I said the point that I was trying to make is that a lot of people in that thread wanted her to leave her daughter alone and not bother her about her eating habits. And no, it's not good advice. You can speak to a loved one and express concern and keep the discussion polite while talking about the problems at hand. She should be concerned and she should express that concern because these bad habits could easily result in future problems such as diabetes, heart attacks, the list could go on. If I was in that situation myself, as a mother, I would kick myself if my daughter developed such issues and had never said anything, or just let her 'learn on her own'. On the other hand I'm not saying she should have just taken matters into her own hands and tried to control what her daughter consumed.
You said: "Of course everyone wanted the mom to just let her daughter carry on and show no concern because the mom was just a bad, bad mom."
If you didn't mean to write "everyone" and now want to clarify, that's fine. If you didn't mean that people were saying "show no concern," perhaps you should have chosen different words.
My point is that when people were giving advice to avoid making it a point of contention, that isn't the same thing as "show no concern." I believe you are twisting what the majority of the advice was in that thread -- people were generally advising that the mother shouldn't try to control what her daughter was eating or make it a point of contention between the two (again, great advice for those interacting with addicts or those in the grip of compulsive behavior). But many people DID stress that the mother should show concern for her daughter in ways that wouldn't be controlling or cause more tension between the two.
We obviously remember the thread in different ways. Majority thought that the mom should leave her daughter be and let her figure it out on her own so as not to be a bad mom who fat shames her daughter. You believe the majority believed just the opposite of that point. So at this point we just have to agree to disagree.
I believe that many people thought the mother should support her daughter and make it clear that she would always be there for her without doing anything to make food an additional source of stress or a way to express control for the daughter, yes.0 -
Chrysalid2014 wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
2 oreos is around 100 calories
I fail to see the issue
The issue is not simply one of CICO. The OP's husband has a chronic medical condition that is often exacerbated by certain foods (ie. those with refined sugar). Just because you and others fail to see the issue does not mean that there is no issue.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Some people appear to get very het up by others making a decision to quit junk food. Those people must feel very defensive and insecure about choosing to eat such things themselves.
I concurr. Lots of people like this in the forums.
"I fit junk food into my calorie limit everyday and lost a million pounds so you should do it to."
Yeah, no. It's about learning to eat in moderation, and helping people who try to go full on "all healthy food" (which most of the time leads to failure). If people learn over time to eat in moderation, and meet their macros and nutritional needs, they find they can still have the foods they enjoy in smaller portions. Things like cookies aren't 'off the table' forever, weight lost is still achieved, and long-term success is still there. There's no self-righteousness involved, as you seem to think. We're trying to help people be successful over the long haul.0 -
This is an interesting perception and merely a projection of your own stuff.Chrysalid2014 wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
2 oreos is around 100 calories
I fail to see the issue
The issue is not simply one of CICO. The OP's husband has a chronic medical condition that is often exacerbated by certain foods (ie. those with refined sugar). Just because you and others fail to see the issue does not mean that there is no issue.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Some people appear to get very het up by others making a decision to quit junk food. Those people must feel very defensive and insecure about choosing to eat such things themselves.
Yeah 'cause the husband bought 4 packs of oreos to have 2 cookies everyday
The vast majority of the replies are assuming the OP's husband is overeating and heading down a dangerous road. Did you read the whole thread? You are arguing with a small minority of the posts in a 15 page thread?
I'm sorry that you are upset about which post I decided to respond to....Also please explain what you mean?
I was being sarcastic.
Bitterly sarcastic and a bit rude, coming in at the end of a very long thread, which apparently you have not read most of.0 -
christinahaim wrote: »What a tough situation for you to be in. I would have a hard time due to my lack of willpower. It is very easy for people to say "just don't eat it" but when the food is sitting in front of you sometimes those urges are just too much. I'm sure your husband's health is important to you too, but we can't make people change unless they want to, all we can do is encourage them to be healthy. But, you do need to sit him down and let him know that bringing these foods around you is unacceptable and hurtful to your goals. Maybe he has a place where he can keep his "stash" that is out of sight from you?
It takes practice but it can be done. I mentioned above that my husband keeps his goodies elsewhere, but that's because of the kids - I don't need them seeing it and wanting it constantly even though they're not actually hungry. As for me, at first I resented my husband constantly chowing down (he is VERY overweight) in front of me, all night long, because he "didn't eat anything all day!!!" (except takeout at lunchtime, every single day), but I got used to it. He eats one way, I eat another way. Everyone eats differently. Besides, not having extenuating health issues, if I want what he's eating, I can eat it too if I have the calories left for it, or I can have it the next day, again, within my calorie goals.
It's a hard truth that in developed nations, at least, we will ALWAYS be surrounded by ready food and the temptation to overeat; our spouses don't need to do it for us. We only need to drive down the street (unless you live in a very rural area). This really is something a person needs to address if it's an issue - not eating just because someone else is. Someone else is ALWAYS eating, perhaps right in front of you. It will keep happening and just "making" a spouse stop doing it isn't going to eliminate the problem.
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My husband is also very overweight. We talk quite openly about it. He finds it quite difficult to find the motivation to try, as he is addicted to food and when he does try to lose weight, he gives up quickly when it doesn't come off as fast as he'd like. We've made small changes for him, like changing out ground beef for turkey and dropping out pastas in his meals to reduce calories (he won't eat as much if there's just meat and veg). His worst problem is a really strong sweet tooth. He also hates to exercise, unless it's something involving hunting. I don't nag him about it. He makes changes when he's ready. This morning he came home and told me that last night he took his blood pressure at work and it was 120/94. Higher than his last check at the doc, and he was unhappy about this. It's a wake up call for him, because a friend of ours just died at 45 of a massive heart attack, and my husband turns 45 this summer. I think he's ready to start his journey, which is what I've been waiting for. I know from our 27 years together than nagging never works, and when he's ready to make changes, he will, and I will help him in any way I can.0
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Haven't had the chance to read all the pages since I last posted, but two thoughts occurred to me:
1. For those who keep reiterating that the OP should treat her husband like an adult rather than a child...the irony is that when the debilitating effects of diabetes inevitably take hold, her husband will most likely be reduced to childlike status...with the OP acting as adult/caregiver.
2. I was really intrigued by hubby eating exactly two cookies from each bag. This seems to me to be a deeply resentful act..a big F*** Y** to the OP. It might also be a preventative measure to keep her from returning the unopened bags to the store.
This is a thing?!? I mean, stores will let you return food?
Ugh. I hope that isn't true.0 -
Couldn't this info have been divulged at the beginning? In a shorter version , of course. This sound nothing like your initial post.APeacefulWarrior wrote: »It's evening here, and I've been reading through all of the thoughts and comments and I hope I can clear up some of the questions.
No, this definitely was not our first conversation - in fact our first conversation about eating healthy was on our first date 11 years ago. I was "pudgy" to borrow an adjective from an earlier poster and he was in the 400-ish range. One of the things that brought us together was what I had thought was a sincere desire on both our parts to get healthier, both through healthier eating and a healthier lifestyle in general. He was already considering WLS, and having known several coworkers who were somewhat in the same boat as him have amazing successes, I encouraged him to explore that option. The year and a half leading up to our engagement were filled with discussions on how to better things, and we planned a wedding with surgery on the horizon once I could get him on my insurance plan (his didn't cover it).Of course there were some warning flags that I missed in hindsight, but all in all, he was a great guy and I loved him for the person he was - I've never been one to judge a book by its cover.
Now a little about my own weight struggle... I have had my ups and down... many, many stressors including an abusive first marriage, losing my second husband to cancer, and trying to cope with raising three kids, one of whom has some pretty significant health issues herself. I have fought depression and the weight gain that comes with needing to be on antidepressants. Throw in menopause, new found thyroid issues, and attempting to deal with disappointments and broken promises, I would gain, then lose, and then repeat the cycle. Eating healthy is a pleasure for me personally - having to fight for space in the refrigerator for my salad fixings and lean meats can be overwhelming. Being told a year after the marriage (when I started losing weight along side him in anticipation of his surgery) that I was getting too thin (at 195" lbs) and if I lost weight, I wouldn't be attractive anymore, was a tough blow, but I put it down to anxiety over the changes that were coming pretty fast. After all, I was thinner than that when I met him.
The next five years were filled with conflict and growing health concerns (on my part) for both of us, but I noticed that he was moving in the opposite direction again healthwise. He began experiencing significant knee pain, back pain, digestive issues, and was back on a high pressure bipap. I tried everything - including doing nothing, but none of it helped until I insisted on couples counseling which led to individual counseling for both of us. In a unfortunate turn of events, he found a therapist who prescribed amphetamines supposedly to treat adult ADD. He started losing weight pretty consistently, and when it would slow, he would tell his dr that he was having more ADD issues and the dosage increased - pretty soon he could eat whatever he wanted to with no weight gain. Status quo for about 3 years until about 6 months ago when he started gaining weight again. He was on the maximum dose of medication, so things went downhill pretty quickly. Things are to the point where I am at a loss, and watching his health deteriorate not only saddens me, it scares me for all of the reasons so many of you have brought up.
I love him, but I love myself too - it's hard to stand by and watch him kill himself, because that is exactly what he is doing. He wants to blame (the world, his parents, his genetics, the food industry for having so many yummy choices... the list goes on), but he refuses to take responsibility or empower himself to make changes.
So that is the background... and here I am... he's angry with me tonight because I refused to pick up the 4 individual apple pies he had added to the shopping list when I stopped at the store this evening... and there are eight more cookies gone.
Sigh...
It's the not-at-all-unusual "the meat was for the cat"/"Surprise - medical condition!" MFP post.0
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