Tell me a joke! :D

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  • buffer221
    buffer221 Posts: 4,751 Member
    edited May 2015
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    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
  • FrenzTheCat
    FrenzTheCat Posts: 60 Member
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    "I could agree with you.... But then we'd both be wrong"
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,407 Member
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    There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle with another ship.

    His servant came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt." The servant asked why. The captain said, "Well, if I get shot they won't see the blood.

    The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, "There are 50 ships on the horizon."

    The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,407 Member
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    This next joke is a story about a pencil, but it doesn't have a point.
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,407 Member
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    Old couple in church, halfway through the service she whispers to her husband, "I just did a silent fart, what should I do"? He replies. "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"!
  • buffer221
    buffer221 Posts: 4,751 Member
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    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.
  • buffer221
    buffer221 Posts: 4,751 Member
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    Naughty boy draws a penis on a black board. Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!
  • kinkyslinky16
    kinkyslinky16 Posts: 1,470 Member
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    A penguin takes his car to the shop to have it fixed. While he's waiting, he goes into a cool ice cream shop and eats ice cream. Having flippers instead hands, he gets the ice cream all over himself. He's goes back to the auto shop and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car.

    "Well," says the mechanic, "it looks like you blew a seal."

    The penguin replies, "It's just ice cream, I swear!!"
  • Jonesingmucho
    Jonesingmucho Posts: 4,902 Member
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    I'm sick and tired of auto-correct... It makes me say things I did Nintendo
  • FrenzTheCat
    FrenzTheCat Posts: 60 Member
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    Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept that he'd fallen in the river??

    He was in de Nile.
  • stormbornkraken
    stormbornkraken Posts: 303 Member
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    There is a new zoo in town. It only has one animal on display. It is a Shih Tzu. *ba dumm shhh* B)
  • ErynColeMerz19
    ErynColeMerz19 Posts: 372 Member
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    How does NASA plan a party?
    They planet!!! hahahahaha that was so lame.
  • madhu1981
    madhu1981 Posts: 4,829 Member
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    MilicaX wrote: »
    Pu_239 wrote: »
    Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
    Student: "Meat!"
    Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
    Student: "Bacon!"
    Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
    Student: "Homework!"

    and

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

    LMAO.


    @MilicaX Fantastic
  • KBjimAZ
    KBjimAZ Posts: 369 Member
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    Why don't grizzlies need water skis?

    They just use bear feet.
  • YanskaNY
    YanskaNY Posts: 103 Member
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    A giraffe walks into a bar and says "Hey everyone! The hi balls are on me!" :)
  • earlnabby
    earlnabby Posts: 8,171 Member
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    A little known rule for all people taking a wagon train on the Oregon Trail was that they could take up no more than 24" on a wagon seat. This proves that there is no West for the reary.
  • earlnabby
    earlnabby Posts: 8,171 Member
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    these_funny_animals_427_640_38-5.jpg

    these_funny_animals_427_640_38-3.jpg
  • earlnabby
    earlnabby Posts: 8,171 Member
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    these_funny_animals_427_640_38-4.jpg

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