Critical Husband

kesharb

Hi.

I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.

The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?

This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

Thanks for listening.

jillianbeeee

I am sorry your going through that. Tell him very nicely to try doing what you are doing for a few days and see what you are going through. He might just realize how hard your working. Keep going and remember your doing it for YOU not him.

kalika47

I feel your pain...I was in a verbally abusive marriage once, and walked away before my confidence was totally destroyed. You are doing this for yourself..no?

randomtai

Verbal abuse sucks.... Get away while you still have a shred of self esteem left.

caspergirl7

sorry but he doesn't sound like a very supportive or loving husband... kick his *kitten* to the curb!!

dluberts

it sounds like you need to kick more than just your weight..sorry thats harsh.but a true loving husband would be supportive and hold your hand...not talk down to you or be mean..thats not helping you at all

AnninStPaul

Verbal abuse sucks.... Get away while you still have a shred of self esteem left.

have to agree...sorry...

MelsAuntie

Honey, tell this controlling jerk once and for all to SHUT THE EFF UP and let you do it your way, he's NOT helping, he's hindering. And NEVER let anyone tell you who you can or can't talk to, and about what!!! Nip this crap in the bud now--have a major blow-out argument, stand up to him. Get in his face about it, tell him to BACK THE HELL OFF. Or you'll end up the quiet meek little mouse with no self-esteem, who can't go to the can without her husband's permission. You should be proud of what you have accomplished, and you don't need his (or anyone else's) approval.

MelsAuntie

p.s., If my husband ( who is a supportive and loving guy) was the sort to try this crap with me, he would humbly back down and apologize, once he got out of intensive care.

joleenl

Sorry to hear that he is such a jerk.

Try talking to him about it and how it makes you feel. See if maybe he would be willing to attend a counsellor with you. If neither of these work, then at least get counselling for yourself. I guess at that point you'll have to decide to stay for the abuse or leave him.

SisterhoodoftheShrinkingPants

Hi.

I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.

The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?

This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

Thanks for listening.

sweety he's ABUSING you. Its called verbal abuse. Is he aware that he's doing it? Some people honestly dont know they are abusive, they are just doing what they were taught growing up. He neds help. The problem isnt you, there should be NO prssure on you as you take this journey towards health. For gods sake you just had surgery and you've lost HOW MUCH alrady??@!!! WOW, you should be proud of yourself!!!! and he should too. I think its great that he want you to b healthy, but his way of showing it is downright abusive. Im hurt for you. you deserve kindness. all people do. *HUGS* and prayers too xo

Junkergal

I am so sorry you are going through this. What you are discribing is controling, verbal abuse. He is not being 'helpful' in anyway. The fact that he is trying to isolate you by telling you that you should not confide in others, especially you best friend and your mother, is a big red flag! Prior to your surgery he was putting you down and degrading you for being over weight. When you stepped up and did something about it by getting the surgery now he is doing the same thing for you succeeding at weight loss even though it is slowing right now.
You don't have to please anyone but yourself in your weight loss and body image! If he isn't attrated you you anymore then that is his hang-up not yours! He should be cheering you on and be your biggest supporter, not your biggest critic. Don't ever believe that what he is doing is right or helpful....it is abuse. You do not deserve it. Please read that again. Not matter what you weigh, no matter how slow your weight loss, no matter what other thing he is critizing you about (housekeeping, laundry, money, etc and I know he is. Been there done that) You. Do. Not. Deserve. It.
You are more then a number on a scale. You are a beautiful, sensitive woman who is doing something to change her health and her life. Good for you. Lose the weight you want (or none at all if you don't want to) and then lose him. There are man out there who will love and care about you for who you are, not just how you look. Keep up the good work! And do this journey for you because you are worth it!

dont_give_up

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I agree with the others, no one should have to deal with any kind of abuse. If he can't love you for who you are, then he doesn't deserve you.
I hope things get better for you.

ajudeokeke

Sorry to hear about your non-support. I am not sure you have adequately addressed this issue with him. If you have, please ignore my suggestions. 1) First determine why you want to lose weight and focus on a plan to do so. From what you have done it seems you are well on your way, with the surgery and with the exercise. If you have reached a plateau, maybe you may want to change up the intensity of your workout.
2) Regarding the non-support, (your husband or anyone else) let your husband know his method of supporting you as you mentioned, is not the type of help/support you need. Let him know what type of support you need and ask if he is unable to provide it you would understand. Let him know his comments are having a negative effect on you and you would like it to stop. 3) Bear in mind if as your husband, prefers not to see you in tight clothing he may actually be saying what is unattractive to him. If you don’t want him to say it - tell him you understand but prefers if he does not say it. 4) If he does not listen to your suggestion and continues to be critical about your efforts you may need to seek professional counseling on how to proceed. Never the less – Keep at your goal – you will build a stronger core and everything else that goes along with health and fitness.
Cheers,

kesharb

Thanks for all the advice. I think more than anything I needed confirmation that I'm not making it something that it is not. He has a way of trying to turn these 'issues' into me over reacting that he is on my side and just trying to "help" me. Not my idea of help.

zazielascaux

I think this is a very, very hard thing to deal with. It must be very difficult for you to live with such a critical person. It's not ok.

I would add one thing though, before we go too far down the verbal abuse route. It could be verbal abuse if he intends to belittle, humiliate or control you. Or it could be that he thinks that is how people speak to one another, because that is how his family talk to one another. Is his mother very critical of him? Then it could be that what he thinks he is showing is love. Because that is how his mother/caregiver was with him and everyone knows that their mother loves them. If so, he probably has an inner voice that continues in that tone about everything- himself included. he is just being intimate with you, and giving you access to his inner self. And he will need to realise what he is doing, that it makes your life difficult and he will need to retrain that voice. And it might help for him to realise his life will be a lot easier and better for him too, but he just maybe didn't know any different.

Both are difficult to deal with. But only one is worth sticking around and putting in the work to fix. If he is abusive, make sure you get whatever you need to continue your life and take it to the next level and end it. If he just has bad habits from family and doesn't realise what he is doing, well then it will take time and work, but it might be worth it.

But if it is abuse, get out.

kesharb

Junkergal: Your post literally brought tears to my eyes. I could tell as I read it that you have been where I am. Its a scary place to be but easier to face knowing someone understands. I can't believe that I am in this spot. I have always been the strong one that everyone awed at because I don't take crap from others, but over the last several years its like I have lost so much of that person and I'm not sure why. Which is part of the reason I decided to lose weight and have the surgery, to find me again. I know I can get through this and even thought that everything was going to be alright after I had surgery because things were so much better for a while. But I am starting to question that again. Not a fun place to be.

goombasmom

I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular.

I personally don't like that last part. I know that as a married couple, you don't always want to be airing out your dirty laundry with everyone. But to not be able to share with your closest supporters? If he wasn't doing or saying "anything wrong," there would be nothing to hide, imo.

SoDamnHungry

If he's being nasty to you behind closed doors and tells you you're not allowed to talk about how he nags you and tears you down... Well, he's an *kitten*. It sounds like he's been an *kitten* for a long time. You can try counseling, but he seems like a verbal abuser and will likely never change. Would you be willing to leave him?

kalika47

to zazielascaux....you are right about jumping on the "abuse" wagon. I mentioned it first, because it was soooo familiar in my situation, which definitely WAS abuse. I hope that OP determines what her situation is....

zazielascaux

To kalika47

I totally get that. If it is abuse the only thing to do is walk away.

But I had trouble with my mother for years. A lot of criticism, trying to keep what went on between us private. Very, very harsh, no filter or tact. But then when I was a little older I saw the dynamic in the wider family. So I spoke to her about that, because she was really suffering too as she was so very harsh with herself. And the way her mother and her sister were with her, was pretty rough and as pretty much in the abuse "category". My aunt was the favourite child and they both ganged up on my mother pretty badly. That's why she wanted what was between us to be between us- she was so verbally battered and betrayed by them she was in a funny way trying to protect me (she didn't want me being close to them as they had been that way with her)- she just picked the wrong strategy.

And it got better. A lot better. Never perfect but then what is. She passed away a few years ago and I am glad we had those years where we could be more gentle with one another before she did. I would say, she did have an inkling of this herself, and she did try at times to be different of her own volition, before I ever raised it. So I saw that there was a ray of light there.

She had this friend she made in her early 20s who was always very nice to her, and I think that person gave her an insight into the fact that things could be different. And she was right about my aunt and grandmother- after she died it was all nice and smiles for a while and then when they realised they didn't have my mother as a verbal punchbag anymore they turned on me and tried to put me in her place. But I told them I wasn't my mother and walked away. And I am glad I did.

So I'm glad I worked on it with my mother and I am glad I got out with my aunt and grandma. I think the insight into it is the key thing- my mother was stuck in bad habits, but knew it wasn't right on some level and wanted to change. She just didn't know how until she had some company.

Junkergal

I was exactly where you are for many, many years. I also was that strong person. Over time, bit by bit, it gets erroded. You don't even notice it at first until one day you wake up and wonder what happened to that woman I liked? Where did she go? Stop it now. Don't wait 20 years like I did.
I have seen the comments here about he may not know he is doing it or it may be from his childhood. Maybe....but I'm sure after 6 years you have addressed this with him, repeatedly. I am sure you have told him what he is saying is hurting you. I am guessing his reply is... that it is your problem, you are taking it wrong, he is only trying to help you, you shouldn't be so sensitive, if you would only listen to what he tells you to do you wouldn't have thses problems because he can see it more clearly then you. Anything sound familiar? He is an adult not a kid. Most of us realize what issues we have from childhood and have or are trying to deal with them. It's no excuse to emotionally batter someones self-esteem.
I got out after he finally did something that could not be overlooked or forgiven. I am so much happier. It's scary at first, both emotionally and finacially but I am finding that woman I used to like so it's worth it.
I can't tell you what to do. Only you know what you can live with and what will make you happy. But you are much more then just what you weigh or look like. You are worth someone loving you for all of you, inside and out, faults and all. If you talk to him again and he can't do that then you have a decision to make. One only you can make and it's hard no matter what you decide. Just know you are not crazy or foolish for thinking what he is doing is not right. Don't let him turn it around on you. HE is doing and saying these things and they are not appropriate. That's why he doesn't want you to talk to anyone else, why he tries to isolate you, because he knows people will tell you what he is doing is wrong.

Buff2022

I have not read all the responses. But I have to say....if that was me. He would be looking for a new wife. I have dealt with enough emotional abuse that it is no longer and option in my life.

Critical people think they are helping but they are hurting you more. And you let them hurt you by listening to the BS.

RobynLB83

If you are going to stay in this relationship, get couples counseling. His way of "being honest with you" is extremely harmful. His behavior as you've described it is completely unacceptable, and you might be strong, but strong women often expose themselves to abusive relationships because they think they are strong enough to take it... don't do that to yourself. Get this straightened out, it's not something you should have to live with.

grundylady

Thanks for all the advice. I think more than anything I needed confirmation that I'm not making it something that it is not. He has a way of trying to turn these 'issues' into me over reacting that he is on my side and just trying to "help" me. Not my idea of help.

If he truley thinks he is helping you and is not just an *kitten*, then you need to sit him down and tell him that HE is hindering your progress by making you feel bad about yourself. Losing weight is hard enough without that kind of baggage. Using "I" sentences works better then "You" sentences.

You know, I feel this way when you make these kind of statements. And if you truely want to help me then you would not be giving me "negative feedback" to all my hard work. Making me feel good about what I have accomplished so far will help me to continue to lose instead of binge eat because your comments make me feel like I can't accomplish anything.

Guys sometimes really don't realize how negative reinforcment does not work for most women. And also that backhanded compliments are not compliments. Oops, rambling on now.

Good luck getting him to realize what he is doing to you.

msaprilm1

See a Therapist or Counselor, alone. It is an amazing feeling to be able to tell a neutral person what you are going through and have someone hear you out. I learned many years ago not to "air my dirty laundry" to anyone that "we" know. My lovely counselor gave me the strength (and made me angry at times) to do what was right and healthy for ME! Now that I am in a better place I still see my counselor once a month, I call it maintenance and I believe it has made me a better person. Best of luck to you on your journey! HUGS:flowerforyou:

NoelleS85

Kick him to the curb, seriously. Not therapy or anything, CURB. He verbally abused you BEFORE you went into surgery, that was your first clue to get rid of him. Now that you went through that precedure he still cannot support you? Worthless, really.

determined_erin

This is what you need to tell him. "Back off. I am working hard each day to lose weight for myself. I can control my own food/exercise and don't need critiqued. Having a snack isn't the end of the world. Micromanaging me makes me lose motivation and confidence. Either be positive or don't talk about the topic anymore."

get10fit2013

I would tell him in no uncertain terms how he is making you feel with his comments, and that negativity will probably push you into emotional eating. If telling him that what he is doing upsets you doesn't make a lightbulb come on and he continues to do it, then he is consciously making the choice to tear you down. I was with my ex-husband for 18 years before I left, because I felt guilty about leaving, felt guilty about my kids not living with their dad, felt worthless for not having a job that could support me and the kids, felt self conscious about being over 200 lbs (which I now know was from a combination of years of stress eating for comfort and antidepressants to deal with my anxiety over his crazy *kitten*). If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and do you have kids? Because let me tell you, if I knew at 20 what I know NOW at 43, I wouldn't be on this website trying to lose all this weight. I would have left a LONG time ago. I've been gone for 5 years now and can honestly tell you that I've never been happier in my life. He was critical of who I talked to, what I wore, what I said to people, where I went, you name it. I couldn't clean the house well enough, my cooking wasn't like his mother's ......on and on for YEARS. It was a lot of wasted time, but I honestly can appreciate myself now because I know I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. I'm in a relationship now and he is SO supportive and caring, and loves me for me....even at 200 lbs when I don't like the way I look. I'm not saying you SHOULD leave bc I don't know you or your complete situation, but it sounds very similar to what I dealt with and it doesn't get any better the longer you stay. A zebra doesn't change its stripes. Only you can decide if it's worth staying. It's your choice to do what you need to do and don't let anyone tell you how you should do it....especially him. Congratulations on your weight loss. Next time he comments, tell him you can lose 200 lbs (or however much he weighs) in 24 hours if he keeps it up. Stand up for yourself and live your life, with or without him. Good luck!! Message me in private anytime if you like.

Junkergal

Well said get10fit2013.

cmriverside

If there was ever a thread for "Just Break Up," THIS is it.


Get into counseling for yourself right away. This guy is trouble. He is slowly chipping away at your connection to yourself. You need to get out ASAP, and find someone who is nice to you.