Critical Husband

Junkergal

I was exactly where you are for many, many years. I also was that strong person. Over time, bit by bit, it gets erroded. You don't even notice it at first until one day you wake up and wonder what happened to that woman I liked? Where did she go? Stop it now. Don't wait 20 years like I did.
I have seen the comments here about he may not know he is doing it or it may be from his childhood. Maybe....but I'm sure after 6 years you have addressed this with him, repeatedly. I am sure you have told him what he is saying is hurting you. I am guessing his reply is... that it is your problem, you are taking it wrong, he is only trying to help you, you shouldn't be so sensitive, if you would only listen to what he tells you to do you wouldn't have thses problems because he can see it more clearly then you. Anything sound familiar? He is an adult not a kid. Most of us realize what issues we have from childhood and have or are trying to deal with them. It's no excuse to emotionally batter someones self-esteem.
I got out after he finally did something that could not be overlooked or forgiven. I am so much happier. It's scary at first, both emotionally and finacially but I am finding that woman I used to like so it's worth it.
I can't tell you what to do. Only you know what you can live with and what will make you happy. But you are much more then just what you weigh or look like. You are worth someone loving you for all of you, inside and out, faults and all. If you talk to him again and he can't do that then you have a decision to make. One only you can make and it's hard no matter what you decide. Just know you are not crazy or foolish for thinking what he is doing is not right. Don't let him turn it around on you. HE is doing and saying these things and they are not appropriate. That's why he doesn't want you to talk to anyone else, why he tries to isolate you, because he knows people will tell you what he is doing is wrong.

Buff2022

I have not read all the responses. But I have to say....if that was me. He would be looking for a new wife. I have dealt with enough emotional abuse that it is no longer and option in my life.

Critical people think they are helping but they are hurting you more. And you let them hurt you by listening to the BS.

RobynLB83

If you are going to stay in this relationship, get couples counseling. His way of "being honest with you" is extremely harmful. His behavior as you've described it is completely unacceptable, and you might be strong, but strong women often expose themselves to abusive relationships because they think they are strong enough to take it... don't do that to yourself. Get this straightened out, it's not something you should have to live with.

grundylady

Thanks for all the advice. I think more than anything I needed confirmation that I'm not making it something that it is not. He has a way of trying to turn these 'issues' into me over reacting that he is on my side and just trying to "help" me. Not my idea of help.

If he truley thinks he is helping you and is not just an *kitten*, then you need to sit him down and tell him that HE is hindering your progress by making you feel bad about yourself. Losing weight is hard enough without that kind of baggage. Using "I" sentences works better then "You" sentences.

You know, I feel this way when you make these kind of statements. And if you truely want to help me then you would not be giving me "negative feedback" to all my hard work. Making me feel good about what I have accomplished so far will help me to continue to lose instead of binge eat because your comments make me feel like I can't accomplish anything.

Guys sometimes really don't realize how negative reinforcment does not work for most women. And also that backhanded compliments are not compliments. Oops, rambling on now.

Good luck getting him to realize what he is doing to you.

msaprilm1

See a Therapist or Counselor, alone. It is an amazing feeling to be able to tell a neutral person what you are going through and have someone hear you out. I learned many years ago not to "air my dirty laundry" to anyone that "we" know. My lovely counselor gave me the strength (and made me angry at times) to do what was right and healthy for ME! Now that I am in a better place I still see my counselor once a month, I call it maintenance and I believe it has made me a better person. Best of luck to you on your journey! HUGS:flowerforyou:

NoelleS85

Kick him to the curb, seriously. Not therapy or anything, CURB. He verbally abused you BEFORE you went into surgery, that was your first clue to get rid of him. Now that you went through that precedure he still cannot support you? Worthless, really.

determined_erin

This is what you need to tell him. "Back off. I am working hard each day to lose weight for myself. I can control my own food/exercise and don't need critiqued. Having a snack isn't the end of the world. Micromanaging me makes me lose motivation and confidence. Either be positive or don't talk about the topic anymore."

get10fit2013

I would tell him in no uncertain terms how he is making you feel with his comments, and that negativity will probably push you into emotional eating. If telling him that what he is doing upsets you doesn't make a lightbulb come on and he continues to do it, then he is consciously making the choice to tear you down. I was with my ex-husband for 18 years before I left, because I felt guilty about leaving, felt guilty about my kids not living with their dad, felt worthless for not having a job that could support me and the kids, felt self conscious about being over 200 lbs (which I now know was from a combination of years of stress eating for comfort and antidepressants to deal with my anxiety over his crazy *kitten*). If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and do you have kids? Because let me tell you, if I knew at 20 what I know NOW at 43, I wouldn't be on this website trying to lose all this weight. I would have left a LONG time ago. I've been gone for 5 years now and can honestly tell you that I've never been happier in my life. He was critical of who I talked to, what I wore, what I said to people, where I went, you name it. I couldn't clean the house well enough, my cooking wasn't like his mother's ......on and on for YEARS. It was a lot of wasted time, but I honestly can appreciate myself now because I know I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. I'm in a relationship now and he is SO supportive and caring, and loves me for me....even at 200 lbs when I don't like the way I look. I'm not saying you SHOULD leave bc I don't know you or your complete situation, but it sounds very similar to what I dealt with and it doesn't get any better the longer you stay. A zebra doesn't change its stripes. Only you can decide if it's worth staying. It's your choice to do what you need to do and don't let anyone tell you how you should do it....especially him. Congratulations on your weight loss. Next time he comments, tell him you can lose 200 lbs (or however much he weighs) in 24 hours if he keeps it up. Stand up for yourself and live your life, with or without him. Good luck!! Message me in private anytime if you like.

Junkergal

Well said get10fit2013.

cmriverside

If there was ever a thread for "Just Break Up," THIS is it.


Get into counseling for yourself right away. This guy is trouble. He is slowly chipping away at your connection to yourself. You need to get out ASAP, and find someone who is nice to you.

Mia_RagazzaTosta

Are kids involved? If so, they are in a front row seat learning how they think they should treat their future mates. No bueno.

If not, pack up and leave. Life's too short to live with an a-hole. I know; I did it. Packed up my (then)1 year old, the clothes on our backs, and got the hell outta dodge.

LisaGirlfriend

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s easy for us all to tell you to leave him but doing so I’m sure is not that easy.

If you love him and want your marriage to work out, then you need to go to counselling. I would have him read this entire thread, tell him you want to go for marriage counselling and go from there. If he refuses, then he doesn’t feel the same way. You will probably be so much happier without him.

LassoOfTruth

Your husband sounds like a Class A *kitten*. I would have left him 5.9 years ago.

MzManiak

First of all, I agree that someone who is that judgmental will NEVER be satisfied with how you look. He will ALWAYS find fault because he's a douche. It's not really you he's unhappy with, it is himself. That's a personal issue for him to work out.

You have to find comfort in yourself. You should never change something about yourself, for someone else. No matter how much you love them. It has to be for you. Do YOU feel like you are making the right amount of progress? Do YOU know what you should be eating? Are YOU happy? That's all that matters. I understand you love him, but love is more than words, and it can't be one-sided. If he can't show you he loves you, what does it matter? Is it worth what it may cost you?

If you think he's doing it with out meaning to... you should start critiquing him back. He's not perfect and he has insecurities just like the rest of us. Maybe if you start pointing them out every time, he'll realize what an *kitten* he's being. :grumble:

KenosFeoh

If you don't want to leave him, then tell him one more time that you're struggling but doing your best, and his constant comments are making it harder for you so please keep them to himself.

After that, all you should ever have to say is "STOP!"

When my daughter doesn't want to hear what I have to say, she barks "shut it!" I do.

1ConcreteGirl

Frankly, the relationship is between the two of you. If it's not working out--in YOUR opinion, not mine or your mom's or your best friend's--then YOU need to decide what you need to do about it.

Don't let someone else make you feel inferior, and don't try to excuse the behavior to yourself because you think he means well.

basslinewild

Are kids involved? If so, they are in a front row seat learning how they think they should treat their future mates. No bueno.

Agreed.

rose228822

Hi.

I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.

The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?

This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

Thanks for listening.

I am sorry that you are not getting the support from your husband that you need. Was he always like this about your weight? Does he realize how much this hurts you? Does he have a weight problem? There are so many questions I could ask because it's hard to know where all this began between you two. Maybe you should sit down and talk with him about how you feel...express to him what you are expressing to us. I have been fortunate to have a boyfriend that is there for me but when I don't do so well he is still supportive and reminds me to take it day by day and that he loves me no matter what. I am there for you if you need a friend you can "friend me".
Don't give up with your goal and let him know that it doesn't help when he says these things to you and that you could use his support.
Also, sometimes it is good to vent to those who may know what you are going through. Take care and be strong!

MyJourney1960

Hi.

I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me.

you are half way correct - you will never measure up to what he expect. You can do whatever you want , you can have surgery, and go on a hundred diets, and lose every bit of weight, and he will STILL find somethign to complain about

because honey, this isn't about YOU. it's all about him. he has some seroius issues. and the longer you stay in this situation, the more you are going to believe him - you are going to believe that you are fat, and ugly, and incompetent, and that the reason your marriage isn't good is because of YOU, and if you would only "do what he wants" (lose the weight, get your hair cut, clean the house, make more money) then all will be well.

ah, how well i know the drill. i was you, many years ago. no i didn't have surgery but i could never do anything "right". my then husband had me believe that i would never make it on my own. i remember when i finally left him and had to sign a rental contract, my hands were shaking. the first time i bought myself a plane ticket i was petrified - after all, he spent days every time he had to buy a ticket and kept yelling at me that i "could never understand how complicated it was". but - thankfully - i'm in a whole different place now.

If you don't want to give up on your marriage then please get yourself to marital therapy. this is very dystunctional.

Oh and what i said in the first line - you got the sentence half right - because it's not that you will never be good enough for HIM - it's that you are TOO GOOD for him.

MattKnight66

Sorry to hear that. He certainly is no help is he?
I would be tempted to tell him that you are doing this for yourself. Not for him.
Honestly this does not sound like a good position for you to be in.
Nobody needs to have to face criticism like that while working hard to improve their health and confidence.
Especially from the one person you should be able to count on.
Giving an emotional eater lots of opportunities to eat their feelings is unfeeling and cruel.
He could use a serious attitude adjustment or walk him to the curb.