Critical Husband

bsuew

I am so sorry you are going through this. What you are discribing is controling, verbal abuse. He is not being 'helpful' in anyway. The fact that he is trying to isolate you by telling you that you should not confide in others, especially you best friend and your mother, is a big red flag! Prior to your surgery he was putting you down and degrading you for being over weight. When you stepped up and did something about it by getting the surgery now he is doing the same thing for you succeeding at weight loss even though it is slowing right now.
You don't have to please anyone but yourself in your weight loss and body image! If he isn't attrated you you anymore then that is his hang-up not yours! He should be cheering you on and be your biggest supporter, not your biggest critic. Don't ever believe that what he is doing is right or helpful....it is abuse. You do not deserve it. Please read that again. Not matter what you weigh, no matter how slow your weight loss, no matter what other thing he is critizing you about (housekeeping, laundry, money, etc and I know he is. Been there done that) You. Do. Not. Deserve. It.
You are more then a number on a scale. You are a beautiful, sensitive woman who is doing something to change her health and her life. Good for you. Lose the weight you want (or none at all if you don't want to) and then lose him. There are man out there who will love and care about you for who you are, not just how you look. Keep up the good work! And do this journey for you because you are worth it!

This is the best post! I totally agree with everything you have said. Take care of yourself! You do not deserve to be talked to like that! You are more than a sounding board for what ever problem he has. Best of everything!! Big hugs. It's not you, it is so not right and should be a huge red flag when he tells you not to talk to your best friend or mom. With me that would not and couldn't happen. You need both of these people in your life mom and best friends!

Dora1201

If you truly don't think he is verbally/emotionally abusing you then go see a therapist. They can help you see what the rest of us see. He has no right to talk to you like that especially if he claims to love you if he even knows the meaning of what love is. My heart is breaking for you. Keep working hard towards your goals and seriously go talk to someone so you can get through this and start enjoying your progress/life.

ItsCasey

You need to discuss this with him. You've made him sound like quite an *kitten*, and maybe he is, but he's still your husband, and that means you try as hard as you can to understand his point of view and to help him understand yours. And you keep other people, especially strangers on the Internet, out of your private affairs.

whierd

If you truly don't think he is verbally/emotionally abusing you then go see a therapist. They can help you see what the rest of us see. He has no right to talk to you like that especially if he claims to love you if he even knows the meaning of what love is. My heart is breaking for you. Keep working hard towards your goals and seriously go talk to someone so you can get through this and start enjoying your progress/life.

Yeah, the therapist will make you understand he is an evil, bad man for commenting on his weight. I bet he kicks kittens too.

Jaulen

I think this is a very, very hard thing to deal with. It must be very difficult for you to live with such a critical person. It's not ok.

I would add one thing though, before we go too far down the verbal abuse route. It could be verbal abuse if he intends to belittle, humiliate or control you. Or it could be that he thinks that is how people speak to one another, because that is how his family talk to one another. Is his mother very critical of him? Then it could be that what he thinks he is showing is love. Because that is how his mother/caregiver was with him and everyone knows that their mother loves them. If so, he probably has an inner voice that continues in that tone about everything- himself included. he is just being intimate with you, and giving you access to his inner self. And he will need to realise what he is doing, that it makes your life difficult and he will need to retrain that voice. And it might help for him to realise his life will be a lot easier and better for him too, but he just maybe didn't know any different.

Both are difficult to deal with. But only one is worth sticking around and putting in the work to fix. If he is abusive, make sure you get whatever you need to continue your life and take it to the next level and end it. If he just has bad habits from family and doesn't realise what he is doing, well then it will take time and work, but it might be worth it.

But if it is abuse, get out.

Um, just because that might be how he was raised to 'show love' doesn't means it's not verbal abuse.....it's still abuse.
Would you say that same thing if she was actually egtting hit? "Oh, but be careful about calling it abuse, maybe that's how he was raised and that's how he shows love.'

Yeah, nope.

It's verbal abuse plain and simple.

laserturkey

You need to discuss this with him. You've made him sound like quite an *kitten*, and maybe he is, but he's still your husband, and that means you try as hard as you can to understand his point of view and to help him understand yours. And you keep other people, especially strangers on the Internet, out of your private affairs.

In a normal, reasonably healthy marriage, this would all be true. IF this IS a case of abuse, however, she needs to reach out for support wherever she can get it, because cutting you off from your support system (friends, family) is what abusers do. Talking to an abuser about how their behavior hurts you doesn't result in a change in behavior, unless you count possibly making it WORSE.

EmilyJackCO

Have you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?


People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.

Nope, the abuse goes both ways, and I'll point it out every time (sadly, I see verbal a lot more from girls these days). And unfortunately, a lot of us have been there.

The gigantic red flag is the isolation and control, and that it continues no matter how much progress or hard work or suffering she puts in.

She reached out here because she may well feel she doesn't have anywhere else to turn by now.

SlimJanette

This is verbal abuse and unless you get out of this relationship ASAP, you won't have any self confidence left. Did you do the surgery for you or him? If he can't support you on this what is something bad was to happen??? Would he leave you? Vows are to love honor and cherish. Not pick, abuse and hurt. The hurt of leaving him will go away faster then the pain of living with this guy much longer. I'm sorry you're going through this.

junejadesky

To kalika47

I totally get that. If it is abuse the only thing to do is walk away.

But I had trouble with my mother for years. A lot of criticism, trying to keep what went on between us private. Very, very harsh, no filter or tact. But then when I was a little older I saw the dynamic in the wider family. So I spoke to her about that, because she was really suffering too as she was so very harsh with herself. And the way her mother and her sister were with her, was pretty rough and as pretty much in the abuse "category". My aunt was the favourite child and they both ganged up on my mother pretty badly. That's why she wanted what was between us to be between us- she was so verbally battered and betrayed by them she was in a funny way trying to protect me (she didn't want me being close to them as they had been that way with her)- she just picked the wrong strategy.

And it got better. A lot better. Never perfect but then what is. She passed away a few years ago and I am glad we had those years where we could be more gentle with one another before she did. I would say, she did have an inkling of this herself, and she did try at times to be different of her own volition, before I ever raised it. So I saw that there was a ray of light there.

She had this friend she made in her early 20s who was always very nice to her, and I think that person gave her an insight into the fact that things could be different. And she was right about my aunt and grandmother- after she died it was all nice and smiles for a while and then when they realised they didn't have my mother as a verbal punchbag anymore they turned on me and tried to put me in her place. But I told them I wasn't my mother and walked away. And I am glad I did.

So I'm glad I worked on it with my mother and I am glad I got out with my aunt and grandma. I think the insight into it is the key thing- my mother was stuck in bad habits, but knew it wasn't right on some level and wanted to change. She just didn't know how until she had some company.

Wow amazing story and thanks for sharing! Way to break the chain! It's the same in the hubby/wife relationship as you said. He could just be acting on learned behavior and not realize he is hurting her!!

MyJourney1960

Have you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?


People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.

you would lose that bet by a long shot - abuse is abuse, doesn't matter who is doing it to whom. There is a difference between blunt, helpful, supportive and abusive. This guy sounds abusive

lcvaughn520

Wow that sounds terrible. Even though I know how hard it is to ignore something that a loved one says about you (especially when it's constant), that's what you need to do here. 50 pounds in two months is A LOT. You need to do what you know is right for you and eventually the results will speak for themselves.

These comments say more about him than you. Just keep your head up and know that you do not have to give credence to his uninformed opinions about this.

Chimis_Siq

He's right...lose the extra weight.

In this case.. Extra Weight = HUSBAND

Noone deserves that.

mwilke

I know that it is difficult, but have you told him how his comments are affecting you? Maybe he doesn't realize that what he is saying is hurting you. If you have told him and he keeps it up, then yeah he is not being supportive at all. If he doesn't realize it, maybe telling him will make him more compassionate.

whierd

Have you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?


People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.

you would lose that bet by a long shot - abuse is abuse, doesn't matter who is doing it to whom. There is a difference between blunt, helpful, supportive and abusive. This guy sounds abusive

Yeah, pestering his wife about weight loss is totes abuse. Automatic.

SupaAthlete

When I read your post, I realized your story is not unique.You are not alone in this situation. This is something that should stay within the confines of your relationship, that being said, one thing we all have in common is that were people. We laugh, we cry, we love, we are all in this crazy world together. You must know your worth, you are valuable, no matter what weight you are. My suggestion, from a random stranger, is to figure out the why behind his actions and yours. Why is he saying these things? Usually, it is because he is unhappy with something within himself. What is your reasons for losing weight? It better not be for him, or it won't last. Above everything, seek God, ask him to show you the problem and you'll begin to see it.

jacz83

I don't really have anything new to say besides what others have touched on. I'm sorry that this person has made you feel as though you don't deserve credit for your efforts et al. Sending positive thoughts your way. That strong person is in there, somewhere. And when she comes out, ... that poor example of a husband had better get out of the way.

jenn26point2

Hi.

I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.

The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?

This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

Thanks for listening.

This is verbal abuse and you don't have to put up with it. Ask him if he'd like someone to talk to his mom or his daughter the way he talks to you. Explain to him how it makes you feel defeated and unable to push forward when he constantly points out your failings and ask him to keep his opinions and thoughts to himself if he would not be ok with daughter's boyfriend talking to her like htat. But, like the quote in the previous comment (above mine) it could be learned behavior, which is very hard to break.

Best of luck to you and keep your head up. Keep pushing forward and reach those goals for YOU, not him.

MightyDomo

You need to talk to him and tell him what's what. You are not going to be talked down to like that and that you are doing what you can but weight loss is slow, it took time to put it on and it's going to take time to take it off in a healthy and life long lifestyle change of a way.

If he cannot check his 'tude at the door then he might as well be walking right back out that door and not come back. You need support, love and care, not an as*hole.

whierd

Have you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?


People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.

Nope, the abuse goes both ways, and I'll point it out every time (sadly, I see verbal a lot more from girls these days). And unfortunately, a lot of us have been there.

The gigantic red flag is the isolation and control, and that it continues no matter how much progress or hard work or suffering she puts in.

She reached out here because she may well feel she doesn't have anywhere else to turn by now.

She didnt say he was isolating or controlling her (unless I missed it), she said he doesn't want her discussing it with her best friend or mother, which I agree with. Talking to a therapist is fine, in my opinion, because you dont have personal relationships with them.

ItsCasey

You need to discuss this with him. You've made him sound like quite an *kitten*, and maybe he is, but he's still your husband, and that means you try as hard as you can to understand his point of view and to help him understand yours. And you keep other people, especially strangers on the Internet, out of your private affairs.

In a normal, reasonably healthy marriage, this would all be true. IF this IS a case of abuse, however, she needs to reach out for support wherever she can get it, because cutting you off from your support system (friends, family) is what abusers do. Talking to an abuser about how their behavior hurts you doesn't result in a change in behavior, unless you count possibly making it WORSE.

You don't seek support against an allegedly abusive spouse by going on the Internet and asking people who don't know you or your husband what you should do. Unless anyone here is actually an abuse counselor or you know this woman and her husband personally, you are not her "support system."