Critical Husband
Replies
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I am so sorry you are going through this. What you are discribing is controling, verbal abuse. He is not being 'helpful' in anyway. The fact that he is trying to isolate you by telling you that you should not confide in others, especially you best friend and your mother, is a big red flag! Prior to your surgery he was putting you down and degrading you for being over weight. When you stepped up and did something about it by getting the surgery now he is doing the same thing for you succeeding at weight loss even though it is slowing right now.
You don't have to please anyone but yourself in your weight loss and body image! If he isn't attrated you you anymore then that is his hang-up not yours! He should be cheering you on and be your biggest supporter, not your biggest critic. Don't ever believe that what he is doing is right or helpful....it is abuse. You do not deserve it. Please read that again. Not matter what you weigh, no matter how slow your weight loss, no matter what other thing he is critizing you about (housekeeping, laundry, money, etc and I know he is. Been there done that) You. Do. Not. Deserve. It.
You are more then a number on a scale. You are a beautiful, sensitive woman who is doing something to change her health and her life. Good for you. Lose the weight you want (or none at all if you don't want to) and then lose him. There are man out there who will love and care about you for who you are, not just how you look. Keep up the good work! And do this journey for you because you are worth it!
This is the best post! I totally agree with everything you have said. Take care of yourself! You do not deserve to be talked to like that! You are more than a sounding board for what ever problem he has. Best of everything!! Big hugs. It's not you, it is so not right and should be a huge red flag when he tells you not to talk to your best friend or mom. With me that would not and couldn't happen. You need both of these people in your life mom and best friends!0 -
If you truly don't think he is verbally/emotionally abusing you then go see a therapist. They can help you see what the rest of us see. He has no right to talk to you like that especially if he claims to love you if he even knows the meaning of what love is. My heart is breaking for you. Keep working hard towards your goals and seriously go talk to someone so you can get through this and start enjoying your progress/life.0
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You need to discuss this with him. You've made him sound like quite an *kitten*, and maybe he is, but he's still your husband, and that means you try as hard as you can to understand his point of view and to help him understand yours. And you keep other people, especially strangers on the Internet, out of your private affairs.0
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If you truly don't think he is verbally/emotionally abusing you then go see a therapist. They can help you see what the rest of us see. He has no right to talk to you like that especially if he claims to love you if he even knows the meaning of what love is. My heart is breaking for you. Keep working hard towards your goals and seriously go talk to someone so you can get through this and start enjoying your progress/life.
Yeah, the therapist will make you understand he is an evil, bad man for commenting on his weight. I bet he kicks kittens too.0 -
I think this is a very, very hard thing to deal with. It must be very difficult for you to live with such a critical person. It's not ok.
I would add one thing though, before we go too far down the verbal abuse route. It could be verbal abuse if he intends to belittle, humiliate or control you. Or it could be that he thinks that is how people speak to one another, because that is how his family talk to one another. Is his mother very critical of him? Then it could be that what he thinks he is showing is love. Because that is how his mother/caregiver was with him and everyone knows that their mother loves them. If so, he probably has an inner voice that continues in that tone about everything- himself included. he is just being intimate with you, and giving you access to his inner self. And he will need to realise what he is doing, that it makes your life difficult and he will need to retrain that voice. And it might help for him to realise his life will be a lot easier and better for him too, but he just maybe didn't know any different.
Both are difficult to deal with. But only one is worth sticking around and putting in the work to fix. If he is abusive, make sure you get whatever you need to continue your life and take it to the next level and end it. If he just has bad habits from family and doesn't realise what he is doing, well then it will take time and work, but it might be worth it.
But if it is abuse, get out.
Um, just because that might be how he was raised to 'show love' doesn't means it's not verbal abuse.....it's still abuse.
Would you say that same thing if she was actually egtting hit? "Oh, but be careful about calling it abuse, maybe that's how he was raised and that's how he shows love.'
Yeah, nope.
It's verbal abuse plain and simple.0 -
You need to discuss this with him. You've made him sound like quite an *kitten*, and maybe he is, but he's still your husband, and that means you try as hard as you can to understand his point of view and to help him understand yours. And you keep other people, especially strangers on the Internet, out of your private affairs.
In a normal, reasonably healthy marriage, this would all be true. IF this IS a case of abuse, however, she needs to reach out for support wherever she can get it, because cutting you off from your support system (friends, family) is what abusers do. Talking to an abuser about how their behavior hurts you doesn't result in a change in behavior, unless you count possibly making it WORSE.0 -
Have you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?
People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.
Nope, the abuse goes both ways, and I'll point it out every time (sadly, I see verbal a lot more from girls these days). And unfortunately, a lot of us have been there.
The gigantic red flag is the isolation and control, and that it continues no matter how much progress or hard work or suffering she puts in.
She reached out here because she may well feel she doesn't have anywhere else to turn by now.0 -
This is verbal abuse and unless you get out of this relationship ASAP, you won't have any self confidence left. Did you do the surgery for you or him? If he can't support you on this what is something bad was to happen??? Would he leave you? Vows are to love honor and cherish. Not pick, abuse and hurt. The hurt of leaving him will go away faster then the pain of living with this guy much longer. I'm sorry you're going through this.0
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To kalika47
I totally get that. If it is abuse the only thing to do is walk away.
But I had trouble with my mother for years. A lot of criticism, trying to keep what went on between us private. Very, very harsh, no filter or tact. But then when I was a little older I saw the dynamic in the wider family. So I spoke to her about that, because she was really suffering too as she was so very harsh with herself. And the way her mother and her sister were with her, was pretty rough and as pretty much in the abuse "category". My aunt was the favourite child and they both ganged up on my mother pretty badly. That's why she wanted what was between us to be between us- she was so verbally battered and betrayed by them she was in a funny way trying to protect me (she didn't want me being close to them as they had been that way with her)- she just picked the wrong strategy.
And it got better. A lot better. Never perfect but then what is. She passed away a few years ago and I am glad we had those years where we could be more gentle with one another before she did. I would say, she did have an inkling of this herself, and she did try at times to be different of her own volition, before I ever raised it. So I saw that there was a ray of light there.
She had this friend she made in her early 20s who was always very nice to her, and I think that person gave her an insight into the fact that things could be different. And she was right about my aunt and grandmother- after she died it was all nice and smiles for a while and then when they realised they didn't have my mother as a verbal punchbag anymore they turned on me and tried to put me in her place. But I told them I wasn't my mother and walked away. And I am glad I did.
So I'm glad I worked on it with my mother and I am glad I got out with my aunt and grandma. I think the insight into it is the key thing- my mother was stuck in bad habits, but knew it wasn't right on some level and wanted to change. She just didn't know how until she had some company.
Wow amazing story and thanks for sharing! Way to break the chain! It's the same in the hubby/wife relationship as you said. He could just be acting on learned behavior and not realize he is hurting her!!0 -
you would lose that bet by a long shot - abuse is abuse, doesn't matter who is doing it to whom. There is a difference between blunt, helpful, supportive and abusive. This guy sounds abusiveHave you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?
People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.0 -
Wow that sounds terrible. Even though I know how hard it is to ignore something that a loved one says about you (especially when it's constant), that's what you need to do here. 50 pounds in two months is A LOT. You need to do what you know is right for you and eventually the results will speak for themselves.
These comments say more about him than you. Just keep your head up and know that you do not have to give credence to his uninformed opinions about this.0 -
He's right...lose the extra weight.
In this case.. Extra Weight = HUSBAND
Noone deserves that.0 -
I know that it is difficult, but have you told him how his comments are affecting you? Maybe he doesn't realize that what he is saying is hurting you. If you have told him and he keeps it up, then yeah he is not being supportive at all. If he doesn't realize it, maybe telling him will make him more compassionate.0
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you would lose that bet by a long shot - abuse is abuse, doesn't matter who is doing it to whom. There is a difference between blunt, helpful, supportive and abusive. This guy sounds abusiveHave you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?
People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.
Yeah, pestering his wife about weight loss is totes abuse. Automatic.0 -
When I read your post, I realized your story is not unique.You are not alone in this situation. This is something that should stay within the confines of your relationship, that being said, one thing we all have in common is that were people. We laugh, we cry, we love, we are all in this crazy world together. You must know your worth, you are valuable, no matter what weight you are. My suggestion, from a random stranger, is to figure out the why behind his actions and yours. Why is he saying these things? Usually, it is because he is unhappy with something within himself. What is your reasons for losing weight? It better not be for him, or it won't last. Above everything, seek God, ask him to show you the problem and you'll begin to see it.0
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I don't really have anything new to say besides what others have touched on. I'm sorry that this person has made you feel as though you don't deserve credit for your efforts et al. Sending positive thoughts your way. That strong person is in there, somewhere. And when she comes out, ... that poor example of a husband had better get out of the way.0
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Hi.
I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.
The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?
This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.
Thanks for listening.
This is verbal abuse and you don't have to put up with it. Ask him if he'd like someone to talk to his mom or his daughter the way he talks to you. Explain to him how it makes you feel defeated and unable to push forward when he constantly points out your failings and ask him to keep his opinions and thoughts to himself if he would not be ok with daughter's boyfriend talking to her like htat. But, like the quote in the previous comment (above mine) it could be learned behavior, which is very hard to break.
Best of luck to you and keep your head up. Keep pushing forward and reach those goals for YOU, not him.0 -
You need to talk to him and tell him what's what. You are not going to be talked down to like that and that you are doing what you can but weight loss is slow, it took time to put it on and it's going to take time to take it off in a healthy and life long lifestyle change of a way.
If he cannot check his 'tude at the door then he might as well be walking right back out that door and not come back. You need support, love and care, not an as*hole.0 -
Have you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?
People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.
Nope, the abuse goes both ways, and I'll point it out every time (sadly, I see verbal a lot more from girls these days). And unfortunately, a lot of us have been there.
The gigantic red flag is the isolation and control, and that it continues no matter how much progress or hard work or suffering she puts in.
She reached out here because she may well feel she doesn't have anywhere else to turn by now.
She didnt say he was isolating or controlling her (unless I missed it), she said he doesn't want her discussing it with her best friend or mother, which I agree with. Talking to a therapist is fine, in my opinion, because you dont have personal relationships with them.0 -
You need to discuss this with him. You've made him sound like quite an *kitten*, and maybe he is, but he's still your husband, and that means you try as hard as you can to understand his point of view and to help him understand yours. And you keep other people, especially strangers on the Internet, out of your private affairs.
In a normal, reasonably healthy marriage, this would all be true. IF this IS a case of abuse, however, she needs to reach out for support wherever she can get it, because cutting you off from your support system (friends, family) is what abusers do. Talking to an abuser about how their behavior hurts you doesn't result in a change in behavior, unless you count possibly making it WORSE.
You don't seek support against an allegedly abusive spouse by going on the Internet and asking people who don't know you or your husband what you should do. Unless anyone here is actually an abuse counselor or you know this woman and her husband personally, you are not her "support system."0 -
get a real dog - they always give you unconditional love0
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Wanna drop two hundred pounds quick? Leave his unsupportive booty! He only cares about himself and how you make him look.0
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I can't imagine treating my wife like that and If I ever did, I'd hope she'd have the good sense to leave. That kind of behavior is inexcusable. It's a sure sign of a weak man and who isn't worth your time, effort, love or respect.0
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I am sorry that you are not getting the support from your husband that you need. Was he always like this about your weight? Does he realize how much this hurts you? Does he have a weight problem? There are so many questions I could ask because it's hard to know where all this began between you two. Maybe you should sit down and talk with him about how you feel...express to him what you are expressing to us. I have been fortunate to have a boyfriend that is there for me but when I don't do so well he is still supportive and reminds me to take it day by day and that he loves me no matter what. I am there for you if you need a friend you can "friend me".
Don't give up with your goal and let him know that it doesn't help when he says these things to you and that you could use his support.
Also, sometimes it is good to vent to those who may know what you are going through. Take care and be strong!
Reposting the best response so far.
As to all those telling this poor woman she needs to kick her husband to the curb, shes being abused, etc that's nonsense. Stop bringing your own problems onto her.
There is a reason you shouldnt badmouth your mate in public, because eventually you'll convince everyone what a bad person he/she is and everytime you see the person you badmouthed him to you need to keep pretending how awful he is.
Sounds like he harbors a lot of resentment for your weight gain. Were you this size when he met you? If yes, he really has no right at all to complain.
In his own way he may be trying to be helpful...but his help isnt working. If you gained weight and hes not attracted to you...would you rather he NOT tell you and just leave? Or cheat? At least he is being honest, as difficult as that may be to hear. Heck, maybe he's not that attractive to YOU anymore. It sounds like you just want him to shut up and pretend he's happy when obviously he is not.
Whether his happiness is dependent on you...well that's a different issue altogether,
Good luck, and stay healthy. Healthy people attract good in others.0 -
Hi.
I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.
The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?
This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.
Thanks for listening.
This is the plan. To erode your self-esteem. To make his opinion the only opinion that matters even above yours. And to either drive you crazy or make you look crazy to others. Then he can proceed to whatever next level of abuse he has planned. Once you have griped to everyone you know that you might be going crazy. So they won't believe you. Or be tired of hearing these "innocuous" complaints. Please find/research online about domestic violence and abuse. You are in the starting stages and he is priming the pump to make it worse. How much worse is yet to see. Don't wait to see. Because if it's the way superworse kind, you won't have time to get out. Leave now. Domestic violence shelters are full due to the bad economy but this form of verbal and psychological abuse does qualify as abuse and so at least you can start looking into them if you think you might need that kind of support. If not just make a plan and leave. The consistent nature of his verbalizing displeasure with you and his switching when you seeming rectify, should at the very least show you he is a miserable person who is determined to be miserable and make people around him so as well. At the most it should illuminate a pattern and determination to tear you down for whatever reason, and I can't imagine there being a good one. (FYI: if you ever have to call a hotline for domestic violence and are afraid for it to appear on your phone, you can always dial "0" for the operator or 411 for information and ask them for such a hotline to suss out your predicament with a professional in that field while you are assessing your situation. This way he will never see the number on your phone dialing records as you having called such a line. )
You are right to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with you.
So far he is practicing belittling, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, and isolation.0 -
OP--no one should tell you who should or should not be in your support system. Support is not something that you are guaranteed to get from your mother or best friend or something you cannot get from stranger. You're working through some difficult things and if you gain something from this post, then you've gotten support.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with asking for the collective wisdom of MFP to weigh in on your situation. That is not so very different than having a jury to decide guilt or innocence.
With the "evidence" we've been presented, most of us are concerned for you since you are extremely hurt by your husband's behavior. It doesn't matter if someone thinks you "shouldn't be" hurt or upset of if his Aunt Sally wouldn't be hurt by his comments, etc. *You,* his wife, are hurting. In my opinion, there is never a legitimate reason to purposefully continue to hurt someone. That's not motivation, it's sadism.
I have told my husband many times that "It does not matter if a normal woman would not be sad/upset/angry at what you did/said/didn't do. You married me, not her." I wish you the best and hope you stop hurting.0 -
My heart goes out to you im sorry you have a husband that treats you like s**t! I was in your shoes for 20 years except i was beat up for god knows what reasons. I guess when he drank to much. But he always would tell me I was fat and so on. He ended up passing away from drinking to much, Now 6 years later I have a boyfriend of 3 years and he always tells me im beautiful just how I am. So I just want you to no you deserve better and should be very proud of your self for losing 50 pounds. I hope things get better for you, and good luck0
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Does working in an ER and being trained as a mandatory reprter count? Trained to see abuse from children to the elderly. Key words and phrases raise red flags- 'actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular' is but one.
Where ever she can find support is where she needs support. Sometimes it is much easier to ask someone who does not know either of you (so you aren't venting to mutual friends and NOT running him down to them).
Abuse comes from both genders and I would give the same advise to both.0 -
Nowhere do you mention how you feel and what you have accomplished. Losing 46-49 pounds in a year is excellent. Losing 46-49 in that environment is a miracle. Your strength in character to withstand that emotional pressure, to 'prove' yourself everyday and to tolerate that behavior is amazing. Imagine what you can do in a positive, kind environment where your accomplishments are celebrated!0
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Sweetie............what it boils down to at this point is...........are you better off with him or w/o him????? I'd say address it one more time.........maybe quietly but in a public place where he can't get too loud or abusive..........and........if he continues, well, there's your answer..........your relationship is littered with red flags of abuse from what you've written and these men don't have very good track records with change---they may talk a good story, but rarely follow through........Best of luck in that new life I think you are going to choose.0
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