The Problem Partner!

MissLaura94

I know this has probably been posted about 1000 times but hey...

I have been really struggling to lose weight. I feel like my partner is really holding me back here!

He is more overweight then me but has no intention on losing it. On the other hand I have no intention of getting that big!

If I want to go to the gym after work I get in trouble because I'm not spending time with him, but if I am at home he just ignores me and plays his video games.

If I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals, I get told off for not cooking/buying anything "for him".

Not sure what to do at this point

firststepformefal

He is sabotaging you. He may be jealous that you want to lose weight. He may fear that if you lose weight, you will find another guy and leave him. Tell him this is the way it is going to be. Grow up and get used to it.

oh_happy_day

Tell him to buy and cook his own food. Agree on times that you spend time together and then apart from that he can play games and you can go to gym. Communicate! Explain that this is important to you and that you're committed to this. He may feel a bit judged/pressured/defensive if he's also overweight and choosing not to do anything about it.

As a side note, I go to gym most days for my physical health and stress management. If I got nagged or guilted for doing something that's important to my health I would wonder whether that person actually had my best interests at heart. Plus it's just as much my hobby as playing games is to my partner.

Sued0nim

The words you need hit the MFP filter

F*** O** you <insert expletive of choice>

nordlead2005

Well, for starters, you don't need to go to the gym or "eat healthier" to lose weight. All you need to do is eat less. He isn't forcing you to eat more calories than you burn. Getting CI<CO under control should be priority #1.

Outside of that, communication is key. Each person deserves some of their own personal time after work. Communicate and figure out what works. If you want to exercise 3x a week, maybe you go to the gym 2x/week to start and spend more time with him by going for a walk and talking. After a while you can probably add in the 3rd gym day as it becomes more normal. I know my wife gets grumpy when I play music on Tuesday, ultimate on Wednesday, and then I'm gone Friday too, but a lot of that is because she is used to me being around and not having anything to do at night herself other than sit at home and watch the kids. She is now involved in a few activities herself which makes things better as she doesn't feel like who gets to go out is one sided anymore. Morning gym might also be a solution and just go to bed earlier.

For eating healthier, maybe alternate, what he wants and what you want or find some compromise that fits your calorie goals, or maybe he has to make his own food. What was normal before and what are you considering as healthy? I love a good Quesadilla, rueben, or avacado grilled cheese for dinner. Throw on a side of fruit or veggies and it is a good healthy dinner to me. I'd get grumpy if every meal became a salad.

kyrannosaurus

He's an adult. If he doesn't want to eat what you cook, he can cook his own food. I wouldn't put up with it.

suziecue20

firststepformefal wrote: »

He is sabotaging you. He may be jealous that you want to lose weight. He may fear that if you lose weight, you will find another guy and leave him. Tell him this is the way it is going to be. Grow up and get used to it.

^What she says!

cupcakesplz

Be strong
Stick up for your self

Lounmoun

Think about if you are staying together or not. Does he possess the qualities you want in a long term partner?
If he is worth keeping around, then you need to have a serious conversation about what his real problem is and how you are not his servant or mother and he doesn't get to tell you what to do. You can plan out "couple time" where you focus on each other- not ignoring you while he plays games. You can compromise and have some of the foods he likes and some you like. He can stop whining and just get food for himself if he doesn't like the food you make.

I think many of us live with people who are not trying to lose weight or who have different dietary needs.
I control what goes in my body. I eat pretty much the same foods as my family but just appropriate portion sizes for me. I tend to fill my plate with more vegetables than they do. I will make or buy them food that I don't eat.

If you want to go to the gym, then go to the gym. You can also exercise at home. You can exercise any time of day or night. You can do shorter workouts. You can lose weight without any exercise- just watch your calorie intake.

rockmama72

Can you get him to play along? My partner and I have been competing with steps. I have a Fitbit and he uses an app on his phone. We walk together a lot too, because it's a fun mutual goal. We have also been cooking more together, looking for healthy stuff, making more salads and smoothies... It's working well for both of us.

I'm not saying you should push your lifestyle on him all at once, just start easing in with the fun stuff and the enthusiasm might follow.

Timelordlady85

Everyone needs time to do their own thing, like exercise. You could try to go for walks together or schedule your workouts when he's not around, though he should be more respectful of your personal time. You are his girlfriend not his maid, if he doesn't like what you cook then maybe he should learn to cook for himself. He doesn't sound very supportive to me, but maybe try communicating your feelings to him and see if you guys can come to some compromises. good luck

MelissaPhippsFeagins

The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.

If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.

Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.

I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.

LKArgh

You are only 21. How long have you two been together? If he hates you going out without him and whines because you are nto cooking his favourite meals, this does not sound good.

jgnatca

Your ambitions are diverging. Have a serious conversation with him if he can live with a person who is active, goes out some nights, and on occasion serves food out of his comfort zone.

I've come to appreciate my hubby who did not interfere or complain when I took on my weight loss project. Sometimes he joins me if his belly is worrying him. I asked if he minded that I was out so many nights and he shrugged. Being part of a mature couple where our differences were respected sure helped.

He has his treat shelf that I raid on occasion. He tried my Kefir and asked if I would get the flavoured next time. I told him he could add his own strawberries and he liked that idea.

comm1t_1984

The sad part of this is not only is he sabotaging you, but he's controlling you as well. You are a grown up and shouldn't "get into trouble" for going to the gym. It sounds like there is a lot of underlying issues going on besides him being unhappy with his appearance.

glitzy196

Im married, and my husband is losing with me. To be honest my favorite thing about my husband is that he supports me. In every choice i make. Even the crazy ones. I have no doubt if i was dieting without him he would accomodate my needs, and cheer me on. I would not accept less from him.

nordlead2005

Only one side of the story here people. For all we know she started going 6x/week and only making salads. And being told off could be an exaggerattion.

The OP is responsible for her own weight. What she eats and if she exercises plays a smaller role than self control of how much she eats.

I'm not saying she should stick with him no matter what, but there isn't enough info to say anything either way.

booksandchocolate12

Wow! A guy that tells you off because you want to eat healthy food? And you get in trouble for wanting to do something you enjoy? A guy who ignores you and sits on the couch and plays video games?

He sounds like a treasure! Why aren't you two married yet? Seriously, get him to the altar before some other lucky girl snatches him up!

^^Sarcasm.

He's a loser. Dump him and find someone who supports your efforts and allows you to do your own thing.

kshama2001

Perhaps communication can solve this; perhaps not. I'm concerned that you two live together yet he begrudges the few hours you want to spend at the gym. You can try explaining to him that you plan to go to the gym on X nights and see if he gets used to the schedule.

My fiance and I are happy with the meals I cook for us - he has more pasta and I have more veggies. He has rolls and wine and I don't. Etc. Occasionally on hot days I will slip in a salad-based meal like chicken and Greek or Caesar salad, but again he gets a roll and also Ben & Jerry's mini cups for dessert. I also talk to him about it ahead of time so he's not surprised with "rabbit food," the objection made by the Other Half of some posters here. I also frame it as "power salad."

MissJay75

How long have you been together? You use the word partner, is that a spouse or an SO? I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities, but I would never be with someone who wouldn't support and encourage me in my endeavors. Yours is not only NOT encouraging you, he's actively discouraging you. I suspect weight loss isn't the only area he is like this. What if you wanted to get a job that made more money than him. Or make new friends. Can his insecurities handle that? Big red flag.

AnnaFit4Life

The most important thing in a relationship is a mutual respect for each others needs and desires. He sounds like an immature pout who thinks he has ownership or the right to control you. Please don't let his actions stop you from reaching your goals in life. Right now it's weight loss....what will be next? Trust me it gets worse with time.

You are young, be strong, be confident and smart and don't settle for anything but the best.

pootle1972

Warning bells are screaming at me.......control freaks do not get better......what next.....clothes, make up, friends, family? You're 21 think hard about what you want out of a relationship.....

snickerscharlie

Sometimes being alone and not in a relationship isn't the worst thing that could happen.

swansong1001

Short and sweet...you are worth more. Kick him to the curb.

ninerbuff

MissLaura94 wrote: »

I know this has probably been posted about 1000 times but hey...

I have been really struggling to lose weight. I feel like my partner is really holding me back here!

He is more overweight then me but has no intention on losing it. On the other hand I have no intention of getting that big!

If I want to go to the gym after work I get in trouble because I'm not spending time with him, but if I am at home he just ignores me and plays his video games.

If I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals, I get told off for not cooking/buying anything "for him".

Not sure what to do at this point

The reality is that lots of people's SO's, family and friends aren't really interested in your endeavor. So you carry on on your own.

http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10134341/you-arent-always-going-to-get-support#latest

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

zoeysasha37

Just do what you need to do , keep going to the gym and keep preparing healthy meals. Either he will start to understand that this is how its going to be , or he won't. But that's his problem , not yours. Do what you need to do to be a healthier person and if he really loves you, he will learn to accept it . if he doesn't , then again that's his problem .
Either way, don't let him hold you back.

umayster

MissLaura94 wrote: »

I know this has probably been posted about 1000 times but hey...

I have been really struggling to lose weight. I feel like my partner is really holding me back here!

He is more overweight then me but has no intention on losing it. On the other hand I have no intention of getting that big!

If I want to go to the gym after work I get in trouble because I'm not spending time with him, but if I am at home he just ignores me and plays his video games.

If I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals, I get told off for not cooking/buying anything "for him".

Not sure what to do at this point

Do the right thing.

Health/diet choices prioritize right after breathe, hydrate, sleep - they are up there pretty high on your personal responsibility list.

lithezebra

I had this boyfriend in my twenties. He broke up with me when I lost weight, after making negative comments about my weight loss and throwing a jealous tantrum when another man spoke to me, entirely non-flirtatiously, in public. Hopefully, if you love your partner, you can continue to make your own choices, without expecting him to get on board, and without him expecting you to compromise your healthy goals. His body is his own responsibility, and yours is your responsibility.

* My current partner eats what I cook, and likes to exercise. He can get away with eating a lot more than I can, and he has some high calorie snacks around that I don't touch. That was hard for me at first, but not eating more than I should is my responsibility, not his.

SLLRunner

MissLaura94 wrote: »

I know this has probably been posted about 1000 times but hey...

I have been really struggling to lose weight. I feel like my partner is really holding me back here!

He is more overweight then me but has no intention on losing it. On the other hand I have no intention of getting that big!

If I want to go to the gym after work I get in trouble because I'm not spending time with him, but if I am at home he just ignores me and plays his video games.

If I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals, I get told off for not cooking/buying anything "for him".

Not sure what to do at this point

I suggest you take ownership of your weight loss journey and do not allow him to deter you. You are an adult, you are 100% responsible for what and how you eat.

This is going to sounds harsh, from what you described it sounds like your relationship problems go deeper than just the food. I suggest you get some relationship counseling.

SLLRunner

firststepformefal wrote: »

He is sabotaging you. He may be jealous that you want to lose weight. He may fear that if you lose weight, you will find another guy and leave him. Tell him this is the way it is going to be. Grow up and get used to it.

Nobody can sabotage you unless you give them permission to do so. We don't know what his motivation is, and it really doesn't matter. We are all responsible for our own weight loss journeys.

kelleybean1

nordlead2005 wrote: »

Only one side of the story here people. For all we know she started going 6x/week and only making salads.

Whoa now, even if she is going to the gym 6x a week and making only salads, that's her right! If he doesn't like it, he can cook for himself.