The Problem Partner!
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You can easily lose 150+ pounds right now by dumping him. I'm 30 years old now, but I was your age once and viewed my relationships the same way. I would feel guilty if I did something my boyfriend didn't like. I would let myself get chastised and scolded by boyfriends for doing things I wanted to do or if I didn't do something "right" in their eyes. I had low self-esteem and always felt like I was to blame for relationship issues. As I lost weight, I gained confidence and realized I wasn't the problem. That knowledge will only become stronger as you age.
If you don't want to break up with him, sit him down and talk to him about what he's doing. He's an adult and can cook his own damn food and he can find something else to do when you're at the gym. You work more than he does and have less free time, so you should utilize your time as you see fit just as he does for himself. If he cannot respect what you're trying to achieve, then you really do need to accept that you need to walk away from the relationship. You're 21 and you have so much time to find someone who will treat you well and respect you.0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »I've communicated all these things and more everyday I possibly can and he either doesn't get it or simply doesn't care. Anything to with me or what's going on in my life the response is always "do whatever you want as long as it doesn't affect me".
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
Find a houseshare/room and move the hell out.
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azulvioleta6 wrote: »MissLaura94 wrote: »
Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
I think that a lot of us are more in the "leave him" camp, actually. There is no reason to be stuck with somebody who is holding you back, especially not at your age.
Agree with you but OP is into making excuses; she's not leaving. Some people have to learn the hard way that there is always a solution - no one is ever stuck and just has to deal; there is always a solution ... Rarely is it easy, but short of being in prison there is a way to change your circumstances.
Sorry to be harsh, but I see this all the time and it breaks my heart.
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BekahC1980 wrote: »AnnaFit4Life wrote: »Oh Miss Laura you are 21 and have your entire life ahead of you. I was stuck in a miserable marriage for umteen years, by a selfish controlling husband. He started subtly with not wanting me to wear makeup anymore ...about after a first year that we met..."why you don't have to wear that stuff you've got me now". He made me feel like I was doing something wrong dressing nice and wanting to look good...guilted me into believing it was dishonouring him in a way. Looking back I was young and Stupid(I'm speaking for myself here). But eventually over the years it got worse next thing you know, I was giving up my life to try to please him or make him happy. Guess What... no matter how much I sacrificed, if was never enough to make him happy and it took me many years to get out of being stuck in that position.
No one should make you feel like a houseplant. Find a roommate... a girlfriend(if he hasn't isolated you from them yet...trust me that may be next) or family to get yourself back on your feet again.
+1.
And on another note once I got married he became abusive.
yuuuuuup
if i were you i would say screw it and adios...... before its much more difficult0 -
I have the same problem with my boyfriend, he's not unsupportive but he could definitely do more to help me in my efforts. My boyfriend is also technically overweight and although he complains about it makes no real effort to change it. I've tried communicating with him that I don't want to eat out 2-3 times a week because it throws me off plan and how it'd be awesome if he could eat healthier with me most days, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I'm still trying to lose the last 10-15 pounds and I've been trying for over a YEAR. At this point I'm super discouraged but am not willing to give up, and have finally realized it's only up to ME. Yes it will require more willpower being with him then when I'd try to lose when I was single, but if this is what you want you can't let him come in the way of that. You have to lay down the law that this is what you're doing and he can either get on board or get off the ship altogether. It's your happiness and well being at stake, if this is what you want go get it, with or without him!0
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azulvioleta6 wrote: »MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.
If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.
Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.
I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.
Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.
That's a rather large leap.
I wonder what the OP is getting out of the relationship that keeps her there. It doesn't sound like a very good deal to me.
Not at all. More common than people think.
Indeed
Although it doesn't appear to be the case here, thanks for putting it out there. I was trying to figure out how to word it.
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Personally if my man started making me feel like a house plant then I would start treating him like a roommate
Don't wanna eat what I eat?
Cook your own meals and buy your own damn groceries.
Only wanna work casual like a lazy blob?
Oh well.. maybe the lack of funds to do anything or afford to eat will motivate him to work more or get another job.
Don't wanna support me going to the gym?
Too bad cupcake. If I'm gonna be a house plant then you have no say in what I do. If I'm getting no respect then why should I respect his protests.
Hunny you are 21 and there is plenty of options out there to find a better roommate or cheap apartment. I've been living on my own since I was 17.. believe me it can be done without a controlling lazy male sucking you dry not only financially but emotionally.
Ya, a few years ago a romantic relationship I was in wasn't working out and I switched it into a roommate situation - I stopped cooking for him, doing his laundry, and paying his cable bill, and told him as soon as I found a job I was moving out. I got hired early Oct and put a deposit on a new place mid Oct.
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MissLaura94 wrote: »I've communicated all these things and more everyday I possibly can and he either doesn't get it or simply doesn't care. Anything to with me or what's going on in my life the response is always "do whatever you want as long as it doesn't affect me".
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
You could always get a roommate.
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MissLaura94 wrote: »I work a full work week while he only works casual so it irritates me that I am still expected to do all the food shopping and cooking - and then he doesn't want what I cook or buy. Do it your damn self with all your time off!! lol.
Oh I would NOT be putting up with that. No way would I be doing all the food shopping and cooking if I worked full-time and my husband did not.(Im a bit confused, You're the one working full time while he works part time, but you can't financially leave? Why not just get a roomate, or a second job? )
And this ^^
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Yeah he sounds a little deficient in the support category. Being the provider puts you in the power position. You decide which bills you pay. For your mental health perhaps treat this relationship more like a roommate situation. After all he's all ready told you he doesn't care as long as it doesn't affect him.
I suggest leaving little errands for him to do while you are off at work. Buy groceries and cook according to your pleasure. If he complains his favourites aren't there, sweetly let him know he's free to stock them.
If he complains about your evenings working out, ask him if he needs a partner in his video game? With enough notice you'll try and schedule him in.
I think he should definitely cover the cable bill.0 -
Oh my god, I have the opposite "problem". My boyfriend is very fit and while I do like working out, he kind of pushes me to do it all the time and doesn't like me eating sugar and carbs. The positive thing is that I did get more fit since we started dating and i'm definitely happier with myself!
What you can do is make him go with you, I am sure you can convince him! Then you'll both be high on endorphins after the workout so he will realise how great it is, and you can cook some really delicious healthy stuff together. *if your healthy diet is boring and bland, you're doing it wrong*. I understand that you don't wanna leave him and i'm not saying you should, but try to make him start liking the healthy lifestyle and that will become another thing you will both enjoy!0 -
When the guy is such a problem that you take to posting online to figure out how to deal with him, it's time to dump him.
Unload that dead weight and find someone who is nice and decent. There is no shortage of men!
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...broadcast on the web to the whole world by his doting "partner", he might also want to do the dumping.
I've often told hubby if I ever got an invitation to go on a Jerry Springer show I'd save him the trouble and divorce him on the spot. I never understood the compulsion to air dirty laundry that way. But the internet is a little more anonymous, isn't it? We don't know where this couple lives, their real names, etc.
People often are bolder on the internet than they would be IRL. I don't mind answering a question like this.0 -
My boyfriend drinks beer, eats loads, sit around and plays video games (sometimes 12+ hours a day) but I was able to get to and maintain my goal weight. What's really aggravating is that he's of normal weight and he doesn't even have to try. Please don't blame others for your failures. You'll need to figure out ways around it. I'm sure he's a big boy and can make his own food - if mine doesn't like what I planned, he knows he's free to fend for himself. Other people don't have to do what you do.0
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MissLaura94 wrote: »If I want to go to the gym after work I get in trouble because I'm not spending time with him, but if I am at home he just ignores me and plays his video games.
If I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals, I get told off for not cooking/buying anything "for him".
My opinion - not that it helps, just food for thought:
#1) You are an adult - "getting in trouble" for going to the gym is absurd.
#2) Putting up with being ignored and getting "told off" for not buying for him, again absurd.
You can choose who you are and how you want to live your life - Personally, I would NOT live that way.
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@newmeadow statistics seem to bear you out. 70% of the time (a little lower than 95%) the woman initiates divorce. But the OP is not looking to leave. That just happens to be the preponderance of the advice.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/homo-consumericus/201311/do-men-or-women-file-divorce-more-often0 -
"Indeed, statistically speaking, men get a much better deal out of marriage than their wives—married men tend to live many years longer than single men, whereas married women live only a little bit longer than single women." Oct 1, 2010, Scientific American
Think about that for a moment.0 -
I have another saying every time I hear a particular Bob Dylan song, "Never date a song writer. It can't end well". That's another sure-fire way to air the laundry.
When I looked at divorce statistics a while back, divorce is indeed declining. Couples are marrying but they are doing so when they are older.0 -
"Indeed, statistically speaking, men get a much better deal out of marriage than their wives—married men tend to live many years longer than single men, whereas married women live only a little bit longer than single women." Oct 1, 2010, Scientific American
Think about that for a moment.
Yup, in my family, divorce usually gets initiated by the woman. The man is comfortable enough. The only quasi exception I can think of was my grandfather, who bought a summer house, fixed it up, moved in, but never got divorced and continued to support my grandmother.
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Let me air my dirty laundry:
My partner got really bad sciatica so can do little exercise before he is in agony. He loves playing video games and good food. None of the above stops me. OP you got to stand up for yourself.
He plays video games and I go to the gym. I cook for both of us, but load up on plenty of proteins and vegetables on my plate.
I seek out healthy tasty recipes to try out, if he wants unhealthy food he buys it for himself. We have a treat night a week where we eat food we normally do not, or have a take away etc
He supports me in my choices and my tracking, and is mighty proud when I hit my gym goals and/or loose weight/inches.
If your partner loves you he will support you. Don't be a doormat.0 -
I think you could just do your thing and in a month or two he won't care any more.0
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If he has a problem with you doing things you want to do and/or enjoy --- he obviously is not the one for you..period.0
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My hubby has a problem with some of my relatives, but I decided to keep him anyways. We negotiate around the rough spots.
I what take from this young man is that he doesn't show much concern for what she does...either way. As long as she doesn't stand between him and his remote.0 -
yes, being alone IN a relationship definitely tops it.snickerscharlie wrote: »Sometimes being alone and not in a relationship isn't the worst thing that could happen.
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