The Problem Partner!
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nordlead2005 wrote: »Only one side of the story here people. For all we know she started going 6x/week and only making salads. And being told off could be an exaggerattion.
The OP is responsible for her own weight. What she eats and if she exercises plays a smaller role than self control of how much she eats.
I'm not saying she should stick with him no matter what, but there isn't enough info to say anything either way.
I resemble that remark about going to the gym 6x/week, and I like it that way. Heck, I go to the gym to spend a little free time on myself. I also cook what I want to cook, and I like it that way. A hypothetical partner also has responsibilities to himself (or herself) and is fully capable of shopping for and cooking his own food.
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You're going the right direction by eating healthy, going to the gym and making right choices for yourself now the next smart choice should be: getting rid off him!!! From your post i read he's controlling you, but yet ignoring u when ur home? Why would u wanna stick around with a selfish controlling macho guy? LOVE YOURSELF you're worth a million bucks!!!0
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Dumping the guy isn't always the answer either, especially if you're married, have kids, have other reasons for being together that make it worthwhile to work through a conflict of interest.0
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lithezebra wrote: »nordlead2005 wrote: »Only one side of the story here people. For all we know she started going 6x/week and only making salads. And being told off could be an exaggerattion.
The OP is responsible for her own weight. What she eats and if she exercises plays a smaller role than self control of how much she eats.
I'm not saying she should stick with him no matter what, but there isn't enough info to say anything either way.
I resemble that remark about going to the gym 6x/week, and I like it that way. Heck, I go to the gym to spend a little free time on myself. I also cook what I want to cook, and I like it that way. A hypothetical partner also has responsibilities to himself (or herself) and is fully capable of shopping for and cooking his own food.
I think the bigger point that nordlead2005 was making had to do with incomplete information and not jumping to conclusion based on such biased information. Not that 6x a week at the gym is wrong, just that the OP could be over doing it and is upset that the partner wasn't giving into their whims. The same goes with the cooking, that she could be forcing a change onto him with the food when he has no desire / is not ready to lose weight.
I do agree that people in a relationship have duties or obligations to each other in the same sense you are saying. If it is her role (as they agree upon) to be person that cooks the meals, a point could be made that she has a duty to create food she knows (or suspects) he would enjoy. Hence why forcing him to eat salads (the other users point) and him being upset by that is understandable.
That being said, if the OP's objective reality lines up with what she says, there are control issues that need to be discussed and it might not be a relationship that is healthy / OP has a duty to her self to not give in. Though I echo that we should not be as hasty, as other people in this thread have been, to completely string up the partner.0 -
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I would sit him down and explain why you are doing this and how important it is to you. If he's a good guy, he'll support you. It may even be the kick he needs to start living a healthy lifestyle too. If he complains, continue doing what you're doing. He'll soon notice how fantastic you look and feel and again, if he's a good guy he'll totally love you for it. Think of yourself - don't let anyone stop you. Good luck
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MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.
If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.
Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.
I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.
Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.0 -
MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.
If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.
Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.
I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.
Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.
That's a rather large leap.
I wonder what the OP is getting out of the relationship that keeps her there. It doesn't sound like a very good deal to me.0 -
azulvioleta6 wrote: »MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.
If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.
Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.
I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.
Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.
That's a rather large leap.
I wonder what the OP is getting out of the relationship that keeps her there. It doesn't sound like a very good deal to me.
Not at all. More common than people think.0 -
my husband has always been bigger than i am (and more health problems). he is FAR from perfect (trust me, really bad rough patch right now) but as controlling as he may be (or try to be, anyways) at times, even he doesnt try to control what i eat and when i exercise. thats ridiculous. not only that, he drives me to the gym and my zumba classes (i dont drive). he eats what i cook. if he doesnt like it, he goes and makes something else.
while only you know your situation, i really encourage you to look deep and think long and hard about his actions and not only lack of support, but also possible control and manipulation. You don't want to be in 18 years and stuck for whatever reason.....0 -
I would be honestly very angry to him and would start to think what this relationship means to me.
1st step) You should talk to him, kindly, explain how you feel and try to be patient with him. Maybe he is just jealous to you or angry to himself that he doesnt have the same kind of motivation. Try to push him to talk and share, why he doesnt want to lose his weight.
2) Does he want to stay the same? Why? Why cant he support you? Shouldnt relationship be about supporting each other? Do you feel happy with him?
I dont know what to say. I can imagine how you feel.. It is hard to like/love someone and understand or see, that they are actually making you feel unhappy.
Do you want to spend your life happy? Then make the right decisions!
(sorry, if my answer sounds a bit weird, didnt plan it much
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I would be very wary of my partner getting upset cause I am going to the gym to become more healthy... That sounds very selfish and controlling.When you love someone,you are supposed to want what is best for them.
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pootle1972 wrote: »Warning bells are screaming at me.......control freaks do not get better......what next.....clothes, make up, friends, family? You're 21 think hard about what you want out of a relationship.....
^^agreed, especially the bold. Be really careful about relationships with controlling people. Does someone feel entitled to make decisions that are really in your purview? That's a controlling person. They get their power by taking away yours. It is never in your best interests. It always serves their interests one way or another.
I had an ultra controlling parent, and after a brief and monumentally unsuccessful bout of being controlling myself, my antenna have been up for controllers. I feel that has kept me safe from some bad situations. I don't mean to project but only to speak from experience, and my "warning bells" went off, too.0 -
My college boyfriend was like this. I was always "in trouble" for not being easily accessible when he wanted. I was constantly being accused of cheating, etc when I was hanging out with friends or busy doing something unexpectedly (which is what those early twenties years are about!).
If this is someone you want to spend your life with, you should make sure that your communication is fixed. If he has time for video games without your bothering, you also have free time at your own will. Even if he only wanted to spend time with you, you should also have your own time at your will.
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Wooow a lot more responses than I anticipated! Haha.
Okay so I'll give a little more back story.
We've been together for a little under 2 years. When we met he was in the process of losing weight but basically stopped when we started dating. When I bring this up he just shrugs and says why does he need to lose weight when he's already found me... Which makes me think he believes I only want to lose weight to find a different guy - which is not the case.
I would "normally" cook pasta or rice based meals with just meat and sauce and my "healthy" cooking was basically the same but I would just add veggies to them.
I will take on board some peoples suggestions and cook the veggies separate and only add them to my plate. It's just in my upbringing to only cook one meal!! Haha.
I work a full work week while he only works casual so it irritates me that I am still expected to do all the food shopping and cooking - and then he doesn't want what I cook or buy. Do it your damn self with all your time off!! lol.
I know that it's up to me to eat the right stuff but it's incredibly difficult when someone is sitting next you chewing down on your favourite "bad" food.
Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
Will power is not my strong suit, but I suppose it'll have to be!0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »Wooow a lot more responses than I anticipated! Haha.
Okay so I'll give a little more back story.
We've been together for a little under 2 years. When we met he was in the process of losing weight but basically stopped when we started dating. When I bring this up he just shrugs and says why does he need to lose weight when he's already found me... Which makes me think he believes I only want to lose weight to find a different guy - which is not the case.
I would "normally" cook pasta or rice based meals with just meat and sauce and my "healthy" cooking was basically the same but I would just add veggies to them.
I will take on board some peoples suggestions and cook the veggies separate and only add them to my plate. It's just in my upbringing to only cook one meal!! Haha.
I work a full work week while he only works casual so it irritates me that I am still expected to do all the food shopping and cooking - and then he doesn't want what I cook or buy. Do it your damn self with all your time off!! lol.
I know that it's up to me to eat the right stuff but it's incredibly difficult when someone is sitting next you chewing down on your favourite "bad" food.
Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
Will power is not my strong suit, but I suppose it'll have to be!
Yes, you'll just have to ignore him. He sounds very immature. I'm also sad for him that he thinks weight loss is just something you do to find a partner. What about feeling happier and better within yourself?
To summarize - you do all the food shopping and cooking despite working more hours, his complaint about the food is that there are now vegetables on his plate in addition to what used to be on there? I'm side-eyeing pretty hard. He sounds like a man-child. Which isn't attractive.0 -
Dump him. You're 21, right? there are way too many dudes out there to put up with someone that unsupportive/controlling. No one needs to be "in trouble" w/ their s/o. Tell him to call you when he grows up.0
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MissLaura94 wrote: »Wooow a lot more responses than I anticipated! Haha.
Okay so I'll give a little more back story.
We've been together for a little under 2 years. When we met he was in the process of losing weight but basically stopped when we started dating. When I bring this up he just shrugs and says why does he need to lose weight when he's already found me... Which makes me think he believes I only want to lose weight to find a different guy - which is not the case.
I would "normally" cook pasta or rice based meals with just meat and sauce and my "healthy" cooking was basically the same but I would just add veggies to them.
I will take on board some peoples suggestions and cook the veggies separate and only add them to my plate. It's just in my upbringing to only cook one meal!! Haha.
I work a full work week while he only works casual so it irritates me that I am still expected to do all the food shopping and cooking - and then he doesn't want what I cook or buy. Do it your damn self with all your time off!! lol.
I know that it's up to me to eat the right stuff but it's incredibly difficult when someone is sitting next you chewing down on your favourite "bad" food.
Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
Will power is not my strong suit, but I suppose it'll have to be!
This sounds so much like my ex. Of course you have to be the one who decides to stay or go but the way you describe him sets off a lot of warning bells in my mind. Maybe your issue is not just about him disrespecting your lifestyle change but about him disrespecting you in general. That said, communication is key. Stand up for yourself.
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I've communicated all these things and more everyday I possibly can and he either doesn't get it or simply doesn't care. Anything to with me or what's going on in my life the response is always "do whatever you want as long as it doesn't affect me".
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!0 -
camillemilton1 wrote: »MissLaura94 wrote: »Wooow a lot more responses than I anticipated! Haha.
Okay so I'll give a little more back story.
We've been together for a little under 2 years. When we met he was in the process of losing weight but basically stopped when we started dating. When I bring this up he just shrugs and says why does he need to lose weight when he's already found me... Which makes me think he believes I only want to lose weight to find a different guy - which is not the case.
I would "normally" cook pasta or rice based meals with just meat and sauce and my "healthy" cooking was basically the same but I would just add veggies to them.
I will take on board some peoples suggestions and cook the veggies separate and only add them to my plate. It's just in my upbringing to only cook one meal!! Haha.
I work a full work week while he only works casual so it irritates me that I am still expected to do all the food shopping and cooking - and then he doesn't want what I cook or buy. Do it your damn self with all your time off!! lol.
I know that it's up to me to eat the right stuff but it's incredibly difficult when someone is sitting next you chewing down on your favourite "bad" food.
Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
Will power is not my strong suit, but I suppose it'll have to be!
This sounds so much like my ex. Of course you have to be the one who decides to stay or go but the way you describe him sets off a lot of warning bells in my mind. Maybe your issue is not just about him disrespecting your lifestyle change but about him disrespecting you in general. That said, communication is key. Stand up for yourself.
He sounds like my ex, too, but no one is ever really just a cardboard cutout of some type of boyfriend. You don't have to "suck it up." It's up to you. Regardless of what you decide about your relationship, you'll be better off if you can, indeed, let someone else eat what he or she wants, and still stick to your own goals.
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Oh Miss Laura you are 21 and have your entire life ahead of you. I was stuck in a miserable marriage for umteen years, by a selfish controlling husband. He started subtly with not wanting me to wear makeup anymore ...about after a first year that we met..."why you don't have to wear that stuff you've got me now". He made me feel like I was doing something wrong dressing nice and wanting to look good...guilted me into believing it was dishonouring him in a way. Looking back I was young and Stupid(I'm speaking for myself here). But eventually over the years it got worse next thing you know, I was giving up my life to try to please him or make him happy. Guess What... no matter how much I sacrificed, if was never enough to make him happy and it took me many years to get out of being stuck in that position.
No one should make you feel like a houseplant. Find a roommate... a girlfriend(if he hasn't isolated you from them yet...trust me that may be next) or family to get yourself back on your feet again.0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
Find a roommate.
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Going slightly off-topic, what's an SO?
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Find a roomate or live with family.Second job,anything. Good luck.0
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AnnaFit4Life wrote: »Oh Miss Laura you are 21 and have your entire life ahead of you. I was stuck in a miserable marriage for umteen years, by a selfish controlling husband. He started subtly with not wanting me to wear makeup anymore ...about after a first year that we met..."why you don't have to wear that stuff you've got me now". He made me feel like I was doing something wrong dressing nice and wanting to look good...guilted me into believing it was dishonouring him in a way. Looking back I was young and Stupid(I'm speaking for myself here). But eventually over the years it got worse next thing you know, I was giving up my life to try to please him or make him happy. Guess What... no matter how much I sacrificed, if was never enough to make him happy and it took me many years to get out of being stuck in that position.
No one should make you feel like a houseplant. Find a roommate... a girlfriend(if he hasn't isolated you from them yet...trust me that may be next) or family to get yourself back on your feet again.
+1.
And on another note once I got married he became abusive.
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Prayerwarrior7 wrote: »Going slightly off-topic, what's an SO?
Significant other.0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
You are not stuck at all, he is casual, how much does he really pay his own way and how much are you subsidising him? Not that unequal finances should matter in a relationship, but it would seem to me that you have outgrown him and that you don't have the gumption to move him on. It is wrong to stay with him just because you feel that you can't afford financially to be without him.
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MissLaura94 wrote: »
Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
I think that a lot of us are more in the "leave him" camp, actually. There is no reason to be stuck with somebody who is holding you back, especially not at your age.0 -
First of all, you are adult. I live with my fiancé he does not go to the gym nor eat healthy but he does not complain about me working out or eating healthy. He doesn't want me to get heavier so he support me. I have family history of medical issues so he support me which I do not have any medical condition.
Anyway, you are adult no man should any control over your life like he does. It take two to make a relationship, if things are like this now what are they going to be like in the future.
You have to make your own decision if he not willing to support. Are you guys married?
It sound more going in the relationship...I'm done
Good Luck0 -
BekahC1980 wrote: »
+1.
And on another note once I got married he became abusive.
Same here.0
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