The Problem Partner!

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  • pootle1972
    pootle1972 Posts: 579 Member
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    Warning bells are screaming at me.......control freaks do not get better......what next.....clothes, make up, friends, family? You're 21 think hard about what you want out of a relationship.....
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
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    Sometimes being alone and not in a relationship isn't the worst thing that could happen. ;)
  • swansong1001
    swansong1001 Posts: 53 Member
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    Short and sweet...you are worth more. Kick him to the curb.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,503 Member
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    MissLaura94 wrote: »
    I know this has probably been posted about 1000 times but hey...

    I have been really struggling to lose weight. I feel like my partner is really holding me back here!

    He is more overweight then me but has no intention on losing it. On the other hand I have no intention of getting that big!

    If I want to go to the gym after work I get in trouble because I'm not spending time with him, but if I am at home he just ignores me and plays his video games.

    If I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals, I get told off for not cooking/buying anything "for him".

    Not sure what to do at this point :(
    The reality is that lots of people's SO's, family and friends aren't really interested in your endeavor. So you carry on on your own.

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10134341/you-arent-always-going-to-get-support#latest

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  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,089 Member
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    Just do what you need to do , keep going to the gym and keep preparing healthy meals. Either he will start to understand that this is how its going to be , or he won't. But that's his problem , not yours. Do what you need to do to be a healthier person and if he really loves you, he will learn to accept it . if he doesn't , then again that's his problem .
    Either way, don't let him hold you back.
  • umayster
    umayster Posts: 651 Member
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    MissLaura94 wrote: »
    I know this has probably been posted about 1000 times but hey...

    I have been really struggling to lose weight. I feel like my partner is really holding me back here!

    He is more overweight then me but has no intention on losing it. On the other hand I have no intention of getting that big!

    If I want to go to the gym after work I get in trouble because I'm not spending time with him, but if I am at home he just ignores me and plays his video games.

    If I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals, I get told off for not cooking/buying anything "for him".

    Not sure what to do at this point :(

    Do the right thing.

    Health/diet choices prioritize right after breathe, hydrate, sleep - they are up there pretty high on your personal responsibility list.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    edited August 2015
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    I had this boyfriend in my twenties. He broke up with me when I lost weight, after making negative comments about my weight loss and throwing a jealous tantrum when another man spoke to me, entirely non-flirtatiously, in public. Hopefully, if you love your partner, you can continue to make your own choices, without expecting him to get on board, and without him expecting you to compromise your healthy goals. His body is his own responsibility, and yours is your responsibility.

    * My current partner eats what I cook, and likes to exercise. He can get away with eating a lot more than I can, and he has some high calorie snacks around that I don't touch. That was hard for me at first, but not eating more than I should is my responsibility, not his.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    MissLaura94 wrote: »
    I know this has probably been posted about 1000 times but hey...

    I have been really struggling to lose weight. I feel like my partner is really holding me back here!

    He is more overweight then me but has no intention on losing it. On the other hand I have no intention of getting that big!

    If I want to go to the gym after work I get in trouble because I'm not spending time with him, but if I am at home he just ignores me and plays his video games.

    If I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals, I get told off for not cooking/buying anything "for him".

    Not sure what to do at this point :(

    I suggest you take ownership of your weight loss journey and do not allow him to deter you. You are an adult, you are 100% responsible for what and how you eat.

    This is going to sounds harsh, from what you described it sounds like your relationship problems go deeper than just the food. I suggest you get some relationship counseling. :)
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    firststepformefal wrote: »
    He is sabotaging you. He may be jealous that you want to lose weight. He may fear that if you lose weight, you will find another guy and leave him. Tell him this is the way it is going to be. Grow up and get used to it.

    Nobody can sabotage you unless you give them permission to do so. We don't know what his motivation is, and it really doesn't matter. We are all responsible for our own weight loss journeys.
  • kelleybean1
    kelleybean1 Posts: 312 Member
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    nordlead2005 wrote: »
    Only one side of the story here people. For all we know she started going 6x/week and only making salads.

    Whoa now, even if she is going to the gym 6x a week and making only salads, that's her right! If he doesn't like it, he can cook for himself.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    nordlead2005 wrote: »
    Only one side of the story here people. For all we know she started going 6x/week and only making salads. And being told off could be an exaggerattion.

    The OP is responsible for her own weight. What she eats and if she exercises plays a smaller role than self control of how much she eats.

    I'm not saying she should stick with him no matter what, but there isn't enough info to say anything either way.

    I resemble that remark about going to the gym 6x/week, and I like it that way. Heck, I go to the gym to spend a little free time on myself. I also cook what I want to cook, and I like it that way. A hypothetical partner also has responsibilities to himself (or herself) and is fully capable of shopping for and cooking his own food.

  • Hipnotika
    Hipnotika Posts: 69 Member
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    You're going the right direction by eating healthy, going to the gym and making right choices for yourself now the next smart choice should be: getting rid off him!!! From your post i read he's controlling you, but yet ignoring u when ur home? Why would u wanna stick around with a selfish controlling macho guy? LOVE YOURSELF you're worth a million bucks!!!
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    Dumping the guy isn't always the answer either, especially if you're married, have kids, have other reasons for being together that make it worthwhile to work through a conflict of interest.
  • cwilso37
    cwilso37 Posts: 79 Member
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    lithezebra wrote: »
    nordlead2005 wrote: »
    Only one side of the story here people. For all we know she started going 6x/week and only making salads. And being told off could be an exaggerattion.

    The OP is responsible for her own weight. What she eats and if she exercises plays a smaller role than self control of how much she eats.

    I'm not saying she should stick with him no matter what, but there isn't enough info to say anything either way.

    I resemble that remark about going to the gym 6x/week, and I like it that way. Heck, I go to the gym to spend a little free time on myself. I also cook what I want to cook, and I like it that way. A hypothetical partner also has responsibilities to himself (or herself) and is fully capable of shopping for and cooking his own food.

    I think the bigger point that nordlead2005 was making had to do with incomplete information and not jumping to conclusion based on such biased information. Not that 6x a week at the gym is wrong, just that the OP could be over doing it and is upset that the partner wasn't giving into their whims. The same goes with the cooking, that she could be forcing a change onto him with the food when he has no desire / is not ready to lose weight.

    I do agree that people in a relationship have duties or obligations to each other in the same sense you are saying. If it is her role (as they agree upon) to be person that cooks the meals, a point could be made that she has a duty to create food she knows (or suspects) he would enjoy. Hence why forcing him to eat salads (the other users point) and him being upset by that is understandable.

    That being said, if the OP's objective reality lines up with what she says, there are control issues that need to be discussed and it might not be a relationship that is healthy / OP has a duty to her self to not give in. Though I echo that we should not be as hasty, as other people in this thread have been, to completely string up the partner.
  • PinkPixiexox
    PinkPixiexox Posts: 4,142 Member
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    I would sit him down and explain why you are doing this and how important it is to you. If he's a good guy, he'll support you. It may even be the kick he needs to start living a healthy lifestyle too. If he complains, continue doing what you're doing. He'll soon notice how fantastic you look and feel and again, if he's a good guy he'll totally love you for it. Think of yourself - don't let anyone stop you. Good luck :)
  • elphie754
    elphie754 Posts: 7,574 Member
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    MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »
    The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.

    If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.

    Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.

    I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.

    Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,196 Member
    edited August 2015
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    elphie754 wrote: »
    MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »
    The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.

    If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.

    Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.

    I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.

    Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.

    That's a rather large leap.

    I wonder what the OP is getting out of the relationship that keeps her there. It doesn't sound like a very good deal to me.
  • elphie754
    elphie754 Posts: 7,574 Member
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    azulvioleta6 wrote: »
    elphie754 wrote: »
    MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »
    The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.

    If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.

    Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.

    I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.

    Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.

    That's a rather large leap.

    I wonder what the OP is getting out of the relationship that keeps her there. It doesn't sound like a very good deal to me.

    Not at all. More common than people think.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,627 Member
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    my husband has always been bigger than i am (and more health problems). he is FAR from perfect (trust me, really bad rough patch right now) but as controlling as he may be (or try to be, anyways) at times, even he doesnt try to control what i eat and when i exercise. thats ridiculous. not only that, he drives me to the gym and my zumba classes (i dont drive). he eats what i cook. if he doesnt like it, he goes and makes something else.

    while only you know your situation, i really encourage you to look deep and think long and hard about his actions and not only lack of support, but also possible control and manipulation. You don't want to be in 18 years and stuck for whatever reason.....

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