The Problem Partner!
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Do what You like for you body, getting fitter doesn't need anyone permission. Probably if you lose more and get fit, this may even inspire him one day . Thing about it. Win win for both just you need to motivate yourself. Cheers0
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You are only 21 and feel that you have no choice but to stay with someone who treats you like a houseplant. This makes me weep.0
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You buy food for you, buy his type of food for him. Go to the gym, ignore the protests, he's rebelling against your changes. His problem, not yours.
Good luck!0 -
Do you love and care about him or are you staying with him just because it's more convenient?0
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firststepformefal wrote: »He is sabotaging you. He may be jealous that you want to lose weight. He may fear that if you lose weight, you will find another guy and leave him. Tell him this is the way it is going to be. Grow up and get used to it.
Bam! Exactly!0 -
skinnyinnotime wrote: »You buy food for you, buy his type of food for him. Go to the gym, ignore the protests, he's rebelling against your changes. His problem, not yours.
Good luck!
Bingo!0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »You are only 21 and feel that you have no choice but to stay with someone who treats you like a houseplant. This makes me weep.
She deserves support, encouragement, and respect for taking care of herself. If he can't St the very least respect respect her, he doesn't deserve her.0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »I've communicated all these things and more everyday I possibly can and he either doesn't get it or simply doesn't care. Anything to with me or what's going on in my life the response is always "do whatever you want as long as it doesn't affect me".
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
If you cannot financially afford to leave - perfectly understandable - you'll have to tune him out. He really sounds kinda toxic, but leaving takes planning . . . so you'll have to decide what you need to do for your long term housing goals while you get healthy. I think the answers will come to you as you lose weight. He *may* jump on board once he realizes you are serious, but for now, plan to go it alone even though you have a housemate.0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »Wooow a lot more responses than I anticipated! Haha.
Okay so I'll give a little more back story.
We've been together for a little under 2 years. When we met he was in the process of losing weight but basically stopped when we started dating. When I bring this up he just shrugs and says why does he need to lose weight when he's already found me... Which makes me think he believes I only want to lose weight to find a different guy - which is not the case.
I would "normally" cook pasta or rice based meals with just meat and sauce and my "healthy" cooking was basically the same but I would just add veggies to them.
I will take on board some peoples suggestions and cook the veggies separate and only add them to my plate. It's just in my upbringing to only cook one meal!! Haha.
I work a full work week while he only works casual so it irritates me that I am still expected to do all the food shopping and cooking - and then he doesn't want what I cook or buy. Do it your damn self with all your time off!! lol.
I know that it's up to me to eat the right stuff but it's incredibly difficult when someone is sitting next you chewing down on your favourite "bad" food.
Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
Will power is not my strong suit, but I suppose it'll have to be!
Ultimately, you deserve respect. He doesn't have to join you in your endeavors, but he has to, at the very least, respect your efforts. If you work full time and he is home more than you are, why are you "expected" to buy and cook all the food? If he had previously tried to lose weight, but feels that he no longer has to take care of himself because he has you, oh my-- red flag flying at full mass! To take you for granted is never OK. Because his motivation for losing weight no longer exists, why is he having such s hard time understanding that your motivation is uniquely yours and worthy of admiration and respect? He is a grown man. He can cook his own food if what you make is unsuitable for him. It sounds like you con for both of you, simply altering your meal to meet your needs. How is that wrong? If he sees no problem in ignoring you when you make the effort to be home with him, then why be upset if you spend some time doing what you like? Please never settle. You teach people how to treat you. If you put up with being taken for granted; he'll take you for granted. If you put up with his expectation that you not only work full time, but do the majority, if not all the cooking/ home care, you'll be carrying the weight of the relationship essentially alone. I hope you find a way to take time for you-- exercising, shopping for foods that you feel good about eating, and insist on at least a modecom of respect from him. Be well. Thank you for sharing. Respectfully,
Jessica0 -
Get out of this relationship.0
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Ok my husband is a saboteur. The first month was pure hell for me. Finally I just layed it on the line this was what I was going to do. I am on month 3 and is he good with it No but he respects me and he is trying harder with his junk food to eat it when I'm not home and he doesn't try to sabotage me. Now if he wants something totally not in my diet he will say do you also want this and if I say No he doesn't push it. I also gave him his own cupboard for his junk food so he doesn't feel deprived. It's all a give and take.0
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »You are only 21 and feel that you have no choice but to stay with someone who treats you like a houseplant. This makes me weep.
Me too. OP it sounds like you feel stuck due to living costs. Make a budget, start putting a bit of money aside, get a room mate, ask for help from family and friends. Life is waaay too short to be stuck with someone who doesn't respect or support you. Especially at 21. I was there once and it only got worse. Get out sooner rather than later.0 -
It kinda sounds like you have bigger problems to address in your relationship than weight loss. You don't sound happy with your partner in general, you may want to address that first.0
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Whoa now, even if she is going to the gym 6x a week and making only salads, that's her right! If he doesn't like it, he can cook for himself. [/quote]
I so agree with that!!!
Also, love is about building each other up. If he is trying to hold you down and sabotage you, you might have a bigger problem on your hands. No one has the right to control anyone else. How much does he weight?? I would say that for starters, you should focus on losing that unnecessary weight. Sorry, I know I don't know you and it's easier for me to make suggestions here behind my computer screen, but until you stand up for yourself, you'll never lose the weight you want.0 -
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through I can't imagine what that must be like, my husband has always been wonderfully supportive of anything I do, it seems to me that you're with him out of convenience though.
You should sit down and think about how you really feel and about who you are now as a person and who you used to be when you first entered this relationship. I can honestly say I was in two different mindsets at 19 and 21. There's a good chance you are no longer that person who fell in love with him and at this point he has become an anchor drowning you. If you truly don't love him romantically anymore and you do not have a place for him to be in your life, then you need to get away, for both of you. You both deserve to grow as a person, you seem to be trying, but he's not in a place to grow yet and it could be a long time before he is, if ever. There is nothing wrong with moving on and although he probably won't thank you it's not your job to cater to him. Live for yourself and find your happiness, it is your right as a human being to do so. If that means getting another job or moving in with a friend or even kicking him out then so be it, this seems like a terrible tough time but in a few years it'll just be that "remember when I was a kid and I put up with this?" story that you laugh about with friends. I wish you the best of luck and if you decide it's a relationship worth fighting for you need to consider therapy, it's a neutral space with an authority figure and he might actually pay attention to what's being said and you can work from there. Otherwise I doubt he's going to listen if he hasn't on the many times you've tried already unfortunately. Good luck, hang in there!0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »I've communicated all these things and more everyday I possibly can and he either doesn't get it or simply doesn't care. Anything to with me or what's going on in my life the response is always "do whatever you want as long as it doesn't affect me".
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
Oh, but you are never as stuck as you think you are. It sounds like if you were not living with him you'd have to have a roommate.0 -
I once had an ex who expected me to home at his convenience. He was displeased if I went to do things without him, but at the same time he only wanted to sit and watch tv or sleep. Meals had to be catered to his wants, too. Going to a gym evoked twice as much criticism as gaining 10 pounds. I don't miss him. Lots of us have been in similar situations (and I'm sure a few men can relate, too). I'm not going to tell you to pack up and leave or throw him out. You're the only one who can decide what's in your best interest, but please do take the time to consider what you've heard others share. As they've said, you deserve respect and to have a life outside of him. If he can't help build a relationship that meets your needs, too, your weight loss journey might go better if you were sharing it with roommates instead.0
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comm1t_1984 wrote: »The sad part of this is not only is he sabotaging you, but he's controlling you as well. You are a grown up and shouldn't "get into trouble" for going to the gym. It sounds like there is a lot of underlying issues going on besides him being unhappy with his appearance.
I agree. It's not healthy if he can't have your best interests at heart. My husband eats what I cook and actually enjoys it now. If he wants to eat something particular I will cook it a way that I am happy to eat it. Otherwise he will cook his own food. He has now joined me in calorie counting and had taken up walking and now encourages me to go walking if I don't feel like it. But even before, he supported me because he knew I wasn't happy with my weight.
We have together time and we also have our own time which is 1-2 eves a week and perhaps day at the weekend. It is healthy to have your own time. It's unreasonable to insist that you stay at home with him all the time esp if he ignores you to play video games. There is no way he can give you attention if he's playing, and I'm not speaking as someone who is anti gaming because I work in the industry and am a gamer myself.
I hope that you can work this out, you do have to put yourself and your health first. Good luck0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »I've communicated all these things and more everyday I possibly can and he either doesn't get it or simply doesn't care. Anything to with me or what's going on in my life the response is always "do whatever you want as long as it doesn't affect me".
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
Find a roommate and leave. You are in this relationship for very wrong reasons. This sort of compromise might be understandable in a 30 year marriage, with 3 little kids, lots of fond memories, serious financial concerns for the kids etc. It makes absolutely no sense to be stuck in this sort of relationship when you are only starting your adult life.0 -
You don't paint him in a very good light. It sounds like he's making you mother him if you're happy to do the chores and let him sit and play video games. Does he support you in any other way?
My husband is supportive of me getting healthy but he has good genes and is naturally slim and he'll happily eat what I eat but I will give him a larger portion and he has biscuits in the cupboard if he needs more.
If gym isn't an option there is a lot on the Internet and you tube videos you can do. Your partner may prefer you to go to a gym if you're playing exercise stuff on the TV and impeding his gaming time.
Look at where you want to be. I'm not going to say dump him as I can only glimpse at what you've said here. Communicate with him. We are all after all only human. You're young and have so much potential and everyone deserves supportive, nourishing people around them.0 -
MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.
If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.
Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.
I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.
Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.
I have friends in those kinds of relationships, and they work when the partners are on the same page. But if she's venting about it here, they likely aren't on the same page.
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(Im a bit confused, You're the one working full time while he works part time, but you can't financially leave? Why not just get a roomate, or a second job? )
On the other thing, You aren't a child to "get in trouble" the fact that you are using that wording is probably what is ringing alarm bells in all of our heads. I have had my guy angry with me, frustrated with me, but never felt like I was a child in trouble.
You are grown. If you want to go to the gym, do so. If he wants to spend that time with you, he can take himself with you or deal with the house being a bit more quiet. And trust me, if he just wants that time bad enough, he will. I have gone to the gym more than once with my guy way before I wanted to lose weight just to get to spend a few minutes talking ot him before it was time for bed.
If he doesn't like what you cook, he is an adult. He is free to pick out what he doesn't like, and he also could create some more free time for you that you could spend with him by him preparing the meals.0 -
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Why would you choose to be in a relationship with a person who does not want the very best for you? You are looking at a lifetime of pain, frustration, and loneliness.0
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So, may I ask where you were living before the boyfriend? do you not have parents to move back home to? my kids are aged 18,20 24 and right now for financial reasons they all live with me and if any of them were in bad relationships they could come home at any time by picking up the phone. The ones that live at home pay rent for food and bills, but when stuff goes wrong or they dont have any money then i dont expect anything.0
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I'm with the people telling you to leave him.
Or just ignore him, if you can't move out. Keep making your food, and if he complains, tell him he's free to make his own stuff... If you want to make it work, schedule some time together where you'll actually do something together, but you need to communicate and tell him that if you stay home and he's playing games and ignoring you, you'd rather just go to the gym (which is pretty much why I go to the gym every day, I just get bored doing nothing at home!).0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
What? NO! They are saying the opposite! Sounds to me most people are telling you to leave him. I agree with them.
If the only reason you are with him is because you can't afford to live on your own, try exploring other options like finding a roomate. Is moving back home with your parents an option?0
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