Fat and Jealious new year

artzy1989

So I am going to start by saying I am posting here because... Well... I don't think I have been as hurt as I am today, the first of the year. And Facebook isn't the place to get the emotions out.

I looked and felt great. I haven't been sticking to a diet as well as I should have but I am working out in a way that makes me want to come back for more. I had a cute dress, a little red belt and even bought these little booty heels that I never thought I would wear because of, well, cankles. I felt great and attractive and happy and cute and all of those other words that mean "man, what a gal"

So I ignored when I was never directly talked to. When my much thinner friend introduced me to someone she was talking to out of kindness. I don't play the game. I can flirt, but I don't see the point in getting a man to spend money on me for drinks when all I am doing is using him. I think it is cruel. So I don't. But then I start to think that maybe it's not me not playing the game, but that the game doesn't want me. I know, your own thoughts are sometimes your worst enemy.

But honestly? Despite a few (okay, 50+) pounds, I love me. I think I can be a great friend, I think I am funny and smart and kind and snarky sometimes to a fault... But mostly just sassy. And when I hurt? When something gets to me? It hurts big.

There was this guy that would not leave my friend alone. So when he made another unwanted advance on her I looked at him and made a shooing motion and said she is not interested. Maybe not the best move. And his rebuttal? He looked at me and said "you are just fat and jealous" so, I slapped him. Landed a nice little open palmed hello to the right side of his face. And so he shoved me. God I wished I had punched him. Or that he had landed one on me so we could brawl. But that is when my girlfriends got involved and some guys in the bar. His words? They tore into me faster than a flame to gasoline and even as I write this I cry. Because even when I like myself I can't help but wonder if others do. If men do. And it makes me feel weak and when I walk down the street am I labeled the fat girl? The nice friend that men talk to only to get their hot friends name? Am I now reduced to what I look like because no one will see ME? Because let me tell you. I am fiesty and loyal and witty and smart and beautiful and creative and loving and kind. I am pretty awesome. I have climbed mountains that some refuse to summit and have seen things that would make a person cry. I am strong.

My head is saying one thing but currently my heart hurts. Maybe it is the alcohol, but the tears are having a hard time stopping.

Anyways. Thanks guys and happy new year.

TavistockToad

2 things that stand out are:
that you don't flirt or speak to men but then expect them to flirt and talk to you anyway even if you blank them...?

You seem to be proud of hitting someone.

jemhh

Your response was over the top. You intervened in a situation wasn't your business, shooed a man away like he was a dog, and when he said a few rude words you physically assaulted him. I think you need some sort of counseling to develop better social skills.

RuNaRoUnDaFiEld

Wow, Happy new year! Your lucky he didn't have you arrested.

flyingcarbaccio

I completely understand why you felt the need to slap him. What a dick. The only advice I can offer is to avoid the bar scene if possible. Alcohol brings out the nastiness in people.

CurlyCockney

All those things you say you are may be true, but they are negated by the fact that you are physically violent when something doesn't go your way. Get help.

Alluminati

I don't think it was right or smart to hit a stranger in the face at the bar. What if he pulled a weapon on you? He shouldn't have said that but when there is drinking involved, explosive situations like this get created and it's best to walk away. If you cannot handle being out in public with alcohol then stay home. It's time to take a step back and reflect on what you want for your life and a few rude words from a stranger shouldn't derail you.

britishbeau

You may be all those amazing things but what you did was pretty ugly. A man should never hit a woman, but a woman equally should never hit a man. it works both ways

jemhh wrote: »

Your response was over the top. You intervened in a situation wasn't your business, shooed a man away like he was a dog, and when he said a few rude words you physically assaulted him. I think you need some sort of counseling to develop better social skills.

plus i agree with this

mbarmuta

Wow guys you are really not helping here. Alcohol really doesn't help the situation! I know you were only trying to be a good friend but next time maybe let her fend for herself a bit. He really was a dick to call you names. I hope you feel better soon. Happy New year xxx

Sued0nim

Take a deep breath and listen to the words you don't want to hear

You were in the wrong

He lashed out because you hurt him ...some people do that this has no relationship to whether you should absorb his insults and take them to heart

You could have been arrested, you were certainly extremely unpleasant and totally out of order

Get your head in the right place, promise yourself you will never do anything like that again and move on

Ninkyou

Although what he said to you may have been rude, you had no right to hit him. I think you should count your blessings he didn't have you arrested for assault and you should use this experience to reflect and learn from. Put yourself in his shoes. You were pretty rude yourself to begin with and he countered that with an insult. You shouldn't have escalated that with physical violence. He may have been having a fantastic new year until it was ruined by your actions.

I understand your feelings of insult. Really, I do. But you need to stop the pity party and move on.

BarbaraRoseB

You are a sensitive person and I can see from your postings that your emotions are very close to the surface. Mine are, too, so I can empathize with you. What the guy said was disgusting, and he sounds like a terrible person, but I agree that you shouldn't have hit him. If someone says something like that in the future, remind yourself mentally that you are better than that, and you don't have to feed into their ugliness of spirit. Freeze them out and walk away. If it is someone you know who says something hurtful, let them know how it made you feel. Use your intelligence and words, rather than hitting someone. You didn't say what your friends said or did after this happened, just that they "tore into you." If it had been me, I'd have expressed empathy for you concerning what he said to you, but I also could not have supported your hitting him.

I also have 40+ pounds to lose and even though I realize I am not my weight, that I am much more than that, the physical and emotional burden of the extra baggage does weigh on me and is never far from my mind. It leads me to feel more defensive than I did when I was thinner, and it makes it harder for me to engage people socially, even though I know it shouldn't and work to keep a mental balance on the subject.

I am going to work hard this year to stay focused, lose the extra weight, and get my body back so I can really feel good about myself again. I'd be happy to be your FitPal friend and we can support each other on this journey. Thinking good and loving thoughts to speed you on your way!

CurlyCockney

mbarmuta wrote: »

Wow guys you are really not helping here. Alcohol really doesn't help the situation! I know you were only trying to be a good friend but next time maybe let her fend for herself a bit. He really was a dick to call you names. I hope you feel better soon. Happy New year xxx

Had the OP shown any remorse for her actions now she's sober, I'd agree with you. Instead, she now wishes she'd punched him.

earlnabby

rabbitjb wrote: »

He lashed out because you hurt him ...some people do that this has no relationship to whether you should absorb his insults and take them to heart

He did not know you or your history. Unfortunately, calling a woman fat is the most common insult because society tells us it is the most insulting thing you can say to a woman. He did not mean anything personal by it.

Regarding your behavior: you felt and looked good, but still refused to engage in flirting. Social engagement is a two way street, you need to give a little in order to get a little. Flirting in a bar does not mean getting someone to buy you drinks, it means getting them to converse and/or dance with you. If they offer to buy a drink, say "Thanks, I'll get my own when I am ready for another". Hitting him was unconscionable.

PeachyCarol

You hit a stranger in a bar because you didn't like what he said and you were ready to brawl?

I think you really need to focus on becoming a better person as well as a lighter one.

Machka9

Sounds like an alcohol-induced situation to me.

jkal1979

If he was making your friend uncomfortable then you should have either let her speak up for herself or given her an excuse to leave that part of the bar (go to the bathroom or ask her to dance, something like that). If it comes down to it, get a bouncer or a bartender to get him to leave her alone, which should have been your friend's call, not yours (you never said if she was complaining about him or not).

You can't control what others say to you but you can control how you respond and in this situation you responded poorly. Some random drunk dude shouldn't be getting to you like that. It sounds like what he said validated how you see yourself compared to your 'thin friend' and it really hit a nerve. No excuse to put your hands on someone.

dutchandkiwi

OP; While I do not condone the slapping in the face I can see this scenario unfolding. Most certainly when acolhol is involved.
Firstly the man in question was wrong in so many ways; He contiued to come on to your your friend when she made clear she was not intrested. From what I read in your message to the point it could be construed as harrassment and if you stepped in it could be seen as your friend really not being comfortable with the situation. You then did what any good friend should do You steppped in and asked him to stop. Up to that point I think you should be really really proud of what you did.

His then response to you was out of line, he probably had his male ego stepped onto now by two women. He possibly feels (under the influence of alcohol) he was the beesknees and really with an attitude like that he isn't.
Your response; slapping him was a step too far and I think you know that. I also think it is part of the guilt you feel. You allowed him to get under your skin, and to hurt you verbally when you had felt very good up to that point.

So really I think you need to think Why did this rude and probably drunk individual and stranger manage to hurt you? Was it a tinge of jealousy or weren't you feeling as well as you thought you did. He managed to get to your response button and only you can answer as to the why this happened.

As said I do not condionce the violence you resported to, but I can see the scenario unfolding when a friend is being compromised and your wish to help.

SLLRunner

I agree that you stepped over the line. A better option would have been to allow your friend to handle the situation.

Never allow someone's words to have power over you, and violence solves nothing. You're lucky he did not hit you back.

I suggest some counseling for you. Happy New Year.

SLLRunner

mbarmuta wrote: »

Wow guys you are really not helping here. Alcohol really doesn't help the situation! I know you were only trying to be a good friend but next time maybe let her fend for herself a bit. He really was a dick to call you names. I hope you feel better soon. Happy New year xxx

We are helping by honestly answering the question...just like you.

zoeysasha37

I think you probably should've let your friend handle this herself. It wasn't your place to say anything to him.

cessi0909

My two cents, seems the post was written while she was still a bit drunk.

That said, I personally got the impression you had the feeling about yourself last night that you were too hot to trot and were rude to that guy by shooing him. Confidence is great but not when it crosses the line into acting like you are too good for people. I could be wrong but that is my impression of the post.

I let my friends handle themselves, they are adult women and can tell a guy they aren't interested themselves. Unless the guy is going over the line I stay out of it and even then not by making shooing motions at someone.

He reacted poorly by calling you names and then reacted really badly by slapping him. BUT, learn from it and remember he said what he thought would hurt you, that was all it was about.

WinoGelato

Methinks when the OP wakes up today on New Years Day she's going to be filled with regret, hopefully she has some good takeaways to help chase the hangover away including:

Don't let someone in a bar take away your confidence in yourself.

Social conversation/flirting in a bar is a positive social engagement with the opposite sex and not necessarily using someone to buy you drinks, although certainly some people approach it that way.

Inflicting physical harm on another person, even in the heat of the moment when you felt insulted, is never appropriate.

Posting on MFP in a drunken, emotional stupor is not likely to yield the outcome you were hoping for...

snickerscharlie

Unless the guy was getting physically or verbally aggressive with your friend *and* she was clearly unable to deal with it and was looking to you for help, your intervention was uncalled for and completely over-the-top.

And alcohol is clearly not your friend.

treebek

Sorry this happened. His words were hurtful and it sounds like it really affected you. Please don't let it both you. Ugly people spew ugly words.

However, violence is not the answer. You were wrong to hit him, plain and simple. While his words were ugly and hurtful, but they did not warrant physical violence.

Again, sorry this happened. I don't think anyone responding is trying to turn this around on you or make you feel worse, but you really need to open your eyes and be accountable to your actions.

takingnameskickingbutt

RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »

Wow, Happy new year! Your lucky he didn't have you arrested.

jemhh wrote: »

Your response was over the top. You intervened in a situation wasn't your business, shooed a man away like he was a dog, and when he said a few rude words you physically assaulted him. I think you need some sort of counseling to develop better social skills.

This. Your admitted jealousy and lack of confidence is (hopefully) the reason you are acting out. There is absolutely no reason you should be hitting anyone. Truth be told, I hope this is the wake up call you need.

NO HITTING.

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Mellie289

Happy new year, artzy1989! Start fresh this morning and put behind you the bad feelings of last night - it sounds like there was a lot of alcohol influencing the situation on both sides.

It was horribly rude of this guy to call you fat and jealous, but as others have said, he was trying to hurt you likely in reaction to his bruised ego. It's easy to hurt most women by saying something about their weight - we're conditioned from an early age to be sensitive about how our bodies look. Ask yourself why his words hurt so much. Is it that there is an element of truth? I'm assuming that since you are on MFP and say you have 50+ extra pounds that you want to lose weight. For 2016, you can start the year off feeling hurt about this or decide to be empowered and positive. It's great that you can build your confidence from all the good qualities you know about yourself, but it's also important to be realistic and know the things you need to work on.

A bar is a place where people meet and flirt based on the most superficial characteristics, weight being one of the major things a guy will see about women. No man in a bar is going to look at you and see a woman who is fiesty, loyal, witty, smart, creative, loving and kind. You do sound like a pretty awesome friend, but remember that "the game" as you call it is shallow. If you want people to see YOU and not just your exterior, you need to try to connect in places other than bars. I'm saying all of this as someone who has gained 70+ pounds and lost nearly 50 of it myself over the years. It DOES affect how you meet men. It's up to you what you want to do about it - my personal opinion is to lose the weight for yourself, not for other people, because it will set you up for a healthy life, and to find someone based on deeper qualities by meeting through a hobby or activity.

joinn68

You are probably an amazing person. I might be wrong but for me, a woman who has more attractive friends is pretty great.
In this situation his words probably reflected the fact that you slapped him rather than anything else. He found the one thing that would hurt you... Too bad. You probably wrote this still hurting from his words. Let us know how you feel a couple of days later.

I can totally understand you not wanting to attract superficial men; I would just ask you if you give the time of day to guys you don't find physically attractive
(I totally second @Mellie289 on places where you could meet guys based on non-superficial characteristics)

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zoeysasha37

Caitwn wrote: »

The slap was completely wrong and over the top, and you say you wish it had gotten into a brawl?

Hitting someone, wishing that it could have escalated into a full-on assault, and the accompanying emotional meltdown all point to a problem. Both some counseling and cutting down on your drinking would probably be a very good idea.

I totally missed the part about wishing it could turn to punching or brawling. I reread the op after seeing this and was completely dumbfounded.
Op- your reaction was terrible and wishing it could've further escalated into a brawl or punching is troublesome. This is an absolutely inappropriate way to react to words. He called you a name and you reacted with violence.
First of all, you had no business shooing him away or saying anything to him. (Unless your friend was incoherent , which at that point you should've taken her home instead of worrying about guys flirting) I think you should've minded your own business and let your friend decline him. What gives you the right to hit someone because they called you names ? If your wondering why men aren't approaching you, maybe look into your attitude instead of worrying about weight. Plenty of men like larger women but not many like them rude with an attitude . not to mention , they probably don't want to be assaulted.
I'd quit drinking if it leads you to behave this way and instead of drinking ,take the time to improve yourself.