Fat and Jealious new year
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You committed a crime. Assault. And all over being called fat? I'd be in prison if I did that every time I've been called fat in my life.0
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The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?0 -
myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
100% agree with this. Give as good as you get, you just have to be smarter than them in your response
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salembambi wrote: »
I haven't read anyone say she did the right thing. But why is all the outrage reserved for the REACTION to the poor behavior of the guy? I see it over and over again. Women are expected to fold their hands in their lap and say please stop endlessly when men come on strongly, over the top and after having already been asked to stop. Just because the guy is not physically attacking there is no justification for reaction?
The problem is that this guy has never learned that there is an appropriate time to back off when a woman is not reciprocating interest--leaving the OP in a situation where she has to become direct and forceful.
Don't hit. Don't react. Leave the building. Go to a different bar. How about putting the onus on this man to conduct himself appropriately.
yea women are told we should never show emotion, get angry or be "aggressive" and mean to men
that men are allowed to in vaid our space make us feel uncomfortable and they are even allowed to repeatedly annoy the *kitten* out of us and we are expected to just take it "like a lady" which means submissively and with out reaction or force.
Perhaps the "they" that tells women those things are the same "they" that tell men to be polite, not let your emotions get the best of you, don't react out of anger or be "aggressive" to ANYONE. I think that "they" is called common sense, i.e. the wisdom of thousands of years of human history. Treat people how you would like to be treated. That's pretty simple and not gendered advice in any way. I don't do the things that you say you're told not to do, because you never know who you're dealing with. Your rudeness may be met with more rudeness or even an escalation to something worse. You're rolling dice that you may not want to roll. The world can be a chaotic place like that. We can boohoo over not living in a utopia where our actions don't have unforeseen consequences or be pragmatic about controlling the one thing in life that we can - ourselves.salembambi wrote: »standing up for your friend was the right thing to do his reaction is very typical and basic
you probably should not of hit him over his pathetic remarks though
With that flaccid renunciation of violence, no one is believing that you're not secretly cheering inside.salembambi wrote: »do not let some loser at a bar make you feel any less beautiful , powerful, smart, feisty and amazing keep loving yourself because you know you are awesome & he does not know you at all he was just some man trying to get your friends number and he is irrelevant
next time this kind of thing happens let it roll off your back and use your feisty attitude to hit him right where it hurts ..with your words
actually i would punch someone in the face if they touched me or my friend with out consent though...soo..theres that but you know what i mean
Was he supposed to let some loser at a bar make him feel any less beautiful ,powerful, smart, feisty and amazing?
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No, not mutually exclusive, but I do have free choice. I chose to start 2016 by posting something supportive to someone who was obviously hurting. Period. Happy new year to you, senecarr.
The bolded are not mutually exclusive options.Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
Alluminati - I'm not sure of your logic that not posting about her hitting this guy means supporting that action. To me, I didn't want to post something just repeating what everyone else had already said - what's the point of that if not adding something new to a thread? I chose to try to add something positive instead of joining the big pile-on on the OP as very often I see lots of negativity on MFP. The time stamp suggests she was still probably under the influence of alcohol at the time of posting - perhaps she has a different perspective today and is feeling sorry for her contributions to the exchange. Only she can say that. By the time I posted, numerous people had already told her she was wrong, she's lucky she wasn't arrested and she should seek counselling. The OP said herself that she was in tears about how hurt she was feeling. I opted for a little compassion and support instead of just telling her that she was in the wrong. That doesn't mean I think hitting someone is right, whether it is a male or female in the scenario.
The irony of negatively, passive-aggressively posting happy new years to someone because they don't agree with your positivity - how do I log that in MFP for my iron count?
Personally, I think the most supportive thing a person can do is help someone improve, and ignoring someone's physical assault doesn't help them improve themselves. It can even be tacit enabling.
Iron! Love it!0 -
Why not? I've had people at the gym laugh at me as "the trainer" with insults of why are they paying this guy for a job that the average gym rat could do. Eh. If that's their feeling, more power to them. What's confronting them going to do? People ALREADY know that they are being buttheads and confronting them could just lead to more unneeded BS. What happens if I walk away from it? Nothing. Letting it AFFECT ME is what they want. You're putting power in the hands of people who have ego issues. Must be my thick skin from doing door to door sales for years.myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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The thing that jumped out of the post to me was the fact her friends turned on her. I'm reading in to things here but that says to me that she wasn't defending her friend as she alludes to.0
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RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »The thing that jumped out of the post to me was the fact her friends turned on her. I'm reading in to things here but that says to me that she wasn't defending her friend as she alludes to.
Maybe they turned on her because she ruined their night with unnecessary drama??0 -
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Lootenit Dan!krandolpht wrote: »
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Why not? I've had people at the gym laugh at me as "the trainer" with insults of why are they paying this guy for a job that the average gym rat could do. Eh. If that's their feeling, more power to them. What's confronting them going to do? People ALREADY know that they are being buttheads and confronting them could just lead to more unneeded BS. What happens if I walk away from it? Nothing. Letting it AFFECT ME is what they want. You're putting power in the hands of people who have ego issues. Must be my thick skin from doing door to door sales for years.myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It's nice that it can fluff your ego like that but what about the next person?
I agree you have to read the situation and sometimes you can walk away. But sometimes you have to stand up for yourselves and stop the BS even if you're at risk of violence from the other person.
But maybe that's my thick skin from coming out in a Christian school at 15.0 -
myfelinepal wrote: »
Why not? I've had people at the gym laugh at me as "the trainer" with insults of why are they paying this guy for a job that the average gym rat could do. Eh. If that's their feeling, more power to them. What's confronting them going to do? People ALREADY know that they are being buttheads and confronting them could just lead to more unneeded BS. What happens if I walk away from it? Nothing. Letting it AFFECT ME is what they want. You're putting power in the hands of people who have ego issues. Must be my thick skin from doing door to door sales for years.myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It's nice that it can fluff your ego like that but what about the next person?
I agree you have to read the situation and sometimes you can walk away. But sometimes you have to stand up for yourselves and stop the BS even if you're at risk of violence from the other person.
But maybe that's my thick skin from coming out in a Christian school at 15.
This wasn't one of those times, she wasn't cornered with no way out. All she had to do was wave a bouncer/bar staff member over and he would have been kicked out.
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It sounds like:
- you may need to manage your alcohol issues
- You might want to seek some help with self-esteem issues (many of us do - alcohol, violence and shutting people out are not the way to handle them though).
I wonder if it registers that you were equally rude to the guy and provoked his insulting response? It is never OK to fat-shame people but it is never OK to shame them on their ability/success with the other sex either, and you did just that by rubbing in the fact that he was rejected (which you don't know for sure and it was not your place to decide, or communicate).
He shoved you after you assaulted him - there is no law that says a man must submit to being physically assaulted by a woman without defending himself.
It was basically you acting and he reacting all along, and not the other way round.
Yes, comments like these hurt, a lot. I haven't had them since I was 16 though. May be try to relax around people and remember that contrary to your apprehensions, people are in general not, until provoked, judgin or insulting you?
Regarding the attitude of men and feeling jealous, guys will always be intersted in women who are interested in them, and vice versa, and that's good. It would be unhealthy if people were primarily inetersetd in those who show no interest in them whatsoever. People will see "you" after you let them know you are approachable and friendly first and they get to know you in time.
I would to take out a positive lesson out of it all and move on. Best of luck in the new year!0 -
Christine_72 wrote: »RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »The thing that jumped out of the post to me was the fact her friends turned on her. I'm reading in to things here but that says to me that she wasn't defending her friend as she alludes to.
Maybe they turned on her because she ruined their night with unnecessary drama??
That was kind of my point, it was unnecessary and she caused the drama.0 -
OP, I was the twenty-something overweight friend, and I remember very well being where you are. That guy was a d!ck, but by now you know it was wrong to slap him. Assault? Technically, yes. But I'm not willing to say you're a criminal who could have gone to jail for this. (Where do you folks live that a cop would put someone in jail for acting like a drama queen?)
In my opinion, this is the best advice you've gotten here:you may want to re-evaluate your choice of hang outs. There are places in my (small) town that are primarily for hooking up, and places that are primarily for socializing. I think you'll find if you limit yourself to the letter that it's so much nicer to surround yourself with polite, respectful people. You will feel better and it will boost your confidence.
The next time your friends want to party, go to the gym, wear yourself out, and go home. Consider it training to join a hiking club or some other non-meat market activity where you'll find new people. I'm serious. I don't care how cute you look in your outfit, you are uncomfortable in bars, and shouldn't be in them. You don't mix well with alcohol or the bar scene. Work on your emotional control and physical well-being; the rest will follow.0 -
No, not mutually exclusive, but I do have free choice. I chose to start 2016 by posting something supportive to someone who was obviously hurting. Period. Happy new year to you, senecarr.
The bolded are not mutually exclusive options.Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
Alluminati - I'm not sure of your logic that not posting about her hitting this guy means supporting that action. To me, I didn't want to post something just repeating what everyone else had already said - what's the point of that if not adding something new to a thread? I chose to try to add something positive instead of joining the big pile-on on the OP as very often I see lots of negativity on MFP. The time stamp suggests she was still probably under the influence of alcohol at the time of posting - perhaps she has a different perspective today and is feeling sorry for her contributions to the exchange. Only she can say that. By the time I posted, numerous people had already told her she was wrong, she's lucky she wasn't arrested and she should seek counselling. The OP said herself that she was in tears about how hurt she was feeling. I opted for a little compassion and support instead of just telling her that she was in the wrong. That doesn't mean I think hitting someone is right, whether it is a male or female in the scenario.
The irony of negatively, passive-aggressively posting happy new years to someone because they don't agree with your positivity - how do I log that in MFP for my iron count?
Personally, I think the most supportive thing a person can do is help someone improve, and ignoring someone's physical assault doesn't help them improve themselves. It can even be tacit enabling.
perhaps the happy new year was genuine and not passive aggressive0 -
RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »myfelinepal wrote: »
Why not? I've had people at the gym laugh at me as "the trainer" with insults of why are they paying this guy for a job that the average gym rat could do. Eh. If that's their feeling, more power to them. What's confronting them going to do? People ALREADY know that they are being buttheads and confronting them could just lead to more unneeded BS. What happens if I walk away from it? Nothing. Letting it AFFECT ME is what they want. You're putting power in the hands of people who have ego issues. Must be my thick skin from doing door to door sales for years.myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It's nice that it can fluff your ego like that but what about the next person?
I agree you have to read the situation and sometimes you can walk away. But sometimes you have to stand up for yourselves and stop the BS even if you're at risk of violence from the other person.
But maybe that's my thick skin from coming out in a Christian school at 15.
This wasn't one of those times, she wasn't cornered with no way out. All she had to do was wave a bouncer/bar staff member over and he would have been kicked out.
But the suggestion wasn't even to do that it was to smile and walk away aka not address the man's negative behaviour in any way.
To be clear I do not support the OP (if you read my other posts) but a blanket statement that all women should smile and walk away is so wrong.0 -
Hmmm I was kinda in shock at how many negative comments you got so far. I'm no longer in the bar scene but last I was if someone continued to harass my friend I would have told them she wasn't interested either and to back off. Probly wouldn't have been far off from smacking him too for his comment but it woulda been the booze fault0
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RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »myfelinepal wrote: »
Why not? I've had people at the gym laugh at me as "the trainer" with insults of why are they paying this guy for a job that the average gym rat could do. Eh. If that's their feeling, more power to them. What's confronting them going to do? People ALREADY know that they are being buttheads and confronting them could just lead to more unneeded BS. What happens if I walk away from it? Nothing. Letting it AFFECT ME is what they want. You're putting power in the hands of people who have ego issues. Must be my thick skin from doing door to door sales for years.myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It's nice that it can fluff your ego like that but what about the next person?
I agree you have to read the situation and sometimes you can walk away. But sometimes you have to stand up for yourselves and stop the BS even if you're at risk of violence from the other person.
But maybe that's my thick skin from coming out in a Christian school at 15.
This wasn't one of those times, she wasn't cornered with no way out. All she had to do was wave a bouncer/bar staff member over and he would have been kicked out.
Actually all she had to do was mind her own business. The guy was pestering her friend, not her.0
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