Fat and Jealious new year
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I'm thinking in terms of my own DD. Any physical altercation usually results in the smaller person getting hurt, especially if it's a female vs a male. As I mentioned, if the dude was relentless, you mention it to the right people to have it taken care of. Most dudes like this who harass females get thrown out. Problem usually solved.myfelinepal wrote: »
Lol, if you think standing up to someone is going to "change" them, have fun with that. May they leave that one person alone? Maybe, but habitual behavior would just have them find someone else to do it to regardless of how many "stand up" to them.myfelinepal wrote: »RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »myfelinepal wrote: »
Why not? I've had people at the gym laugh at me as "the trainer" with insults of why are they paying this guy for a job that the average gym rat could do. Eh. If that's their feeling, more power to them. What's confronting them going to do? People ALREADY know that they are being buttheads and confronting them could just lead to more unneeded BS. What happens if I walk away from it? Nothing. Letting it AFFECT ME is what they want. You're putting power in the hands of people who have ego issues. Must be my thick skin from doing door to door sales for years.myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
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I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
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It's nice that it can fluff your ego like that but what about the next person?
I agree you have to read the situation and sometimes you can walk away. But sometimes you have to stand up for yourselves and stop the BS even if you're at risk of violence from the other person.
But maybe that's my thick skin from coming out in a Christian school at 15.
This wasn't one of those times, she wasn't cornered with no way out. All she had to do was wave a bouncer/bar staff member over and he would have been kicked out.
But the suggestion wasn't even to do that it was to smile and walk away aka not address the man's negative behaviour in any way.
To be clear I do not support the OP (if you read my other posts) but a blanket statement that all women should smile and walk away is so wrong.
Why do you think people with money seem to get away with everything? Peoples character don't change unless they want to change it willfully.
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You're probably right. But waving a white flag against unlikely odds is not my style.
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peppermintpudgy wrote: »I'm guessing thanks to OP he found someone else to harass and/or rape last night
Yeah I'll bet. Did you know that 99.9% of all men are rapists?
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You misunderstood. This post is saying the guy found someone else to harass because he is a pushy d!ck who moved on to his next target after the OP intervened."WinoGelato wrote:What? Is this a serious post? A guy hitting on a girl in a bar on NYE, possibly/probably unwanted based on the ranting of her friend who admits she was put out and didn't like playing the game, is likely to harass or rape someone because the OP reacted so badly and assaulted him?
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dunno why everyone is throwing a fit, you were right to shoo him away...0
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peppermintpudgy wrote: »This guy did a lot more than insult the OP. He was also aggressively pursuing her friend all night and wouldn't leave her alone in spite of the fact that it was quite clear she was not interested. He was aggressive, pushy, and violent. OP snapped and this guy pushed her when she slapped him. I'm guessing thanks to OP he found someone else to harass and/or rape last night. Give the girl a break. Stay out of that awful scene, OP.
You don't know that the guy in question was given any fair warning that this girls friend wasn't interested! This was NEVER clearly defined in the OP. Such a leap to go from flirting to potential rape. Is there stranger danger lurking in every shadow and corner?0 -
Am I now reduced to what I look like because no one will see ME? Because let me tell you. I am fiesty and loyal and witty and smart and beautiful and creative and loving and kind. I am pretty awesome. I have climbed mountains that some refuse to summit and have seen things that would make a person cry. I am strong.
When are guys supposed to see the smart, witty, creative, etc. parts of yourself, when you're ignoring them, when you're being condescending to them, or when you're hitting them? If you're only allowing people to interact with you on a superficial level, don't complain that people only form opinions about you for superficial reasons - that's all you've given them to go on.0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
I haven't read anyone say she did the right thing. But why is all the outrage reserved for the REACTION to the poor behavior of the guy? I see it over and over again. Women are expected to fold their hands in their lap and say please stop endlessly when men come on strongly, over the top and after having already been asked to stop. Just because the guy is not physically attacking there is no justification for reaction?
The problem is that this guy has never learned that there is an appropriate time to back off when a woman is not reciprocating interest--leaving the OP in a situation where she has to become direct and forceful.
Don't hit. Don't react. Leave the building. Go to a different bar. How about putting the onus on this man to conduct himself appropriately.
The only persons behaviour that we can control is our own....
Yes the guy should have got the hint, but we don't know what the friend had said to the guy in the first place. If she didn't like his advances she could have done something other than let her friend physically assault him.
Agreed--we can only control our own reactions.
But, let's not give this guy a pass. I do have expectations for the behavior of people around me--having those expectations is a pillar of healthy self respect. It's okay to be outraged at crappy behavior. Not okay to hit--but we should acknowledge that it wasn't unprovoked.
I think if we get in the habit of identifying and calling out poor behavior like this man's, we get one step closer to making men like him think twice about how they behave. Just continually repeating "we can't control his behavior" isn't helpful. We can't control it, but we can call it what it is--jacka## behavior.
I give neither the original poster nor the guy a break in their behavior, but I think you might be missing something important here. The OP said the guy was not flirting with her friend, so she is the one who started the interaction by shooing him away from her friend and saying she was not interested. It was only then that he came back at her with some words in retaliation that were clearly said to hurt. However, she is the one who became physically violent, and now she wishes she could punch him out.
I agree wholeheartedly with standing up for ourselves, but violence is not standing up for yourself it is simply physically hurting another person because of our own issues, whatever they may be. Standing up for yourself is keeping your boundaries strong and using the power of your own words to tell someone to simply back off, and sometimes it's even apologizing for your own behavior. Also, sometimes standing up for yourself means saying nothing at all and just turning around and walking away, all the while knowing that whatever words comes out of someone's mouth is about them and really has nothing to do with you.
This situation involved an interaction in a bar and has nothing to do with expecting respect from those around you. In our personal lives, we have relationships, we set boundaries, we fight fairly without violence, and we often walk way if someone chooses not to treat us with respect. This is totally different than the situation that the OP described.
You can never change another person's behavior, you can only change how you react to it.0 -
dunno why everyone is throwing a fit, you were right to shoo him away...
So your firt ever post on a fitness site is to say that you support this op?Triplestep wrote: »
You misunderstood. This post is saying the guy found someone else to harass because he is a pushy d!ck who moved on to his next target after the OP intervened."WinoGelato wrote:What? Is this a serious post? A guy hitting on a girl in a bar on NYE, possibly/probably unwanted based on the ranting of her friend who admits she was put out and didn't like playing the game, is likely to harass or rape someone because the OP reacted so badly and assaulted him?
How do you know the man was a pushy dick?0 -
That wasn't the issue. The physical response was. Did you read it?dunno why everyone is throwing a fit, you were right to shoo him away...
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myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
I think simply turning and walking away is 100% appropriate because I no longer allow others words to have power over me, though I'm not sure I would be smiling. However, his point is that he said this words to get a reaction and she fell for it by hitting him--hook, line, and sinker.0 -
RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »How do you know the man was a pushy dick?
This is how:There was this guy that would not leave my friend alone. So when he made another unwanted advance on her I looked at him and made a shooing motion and said she is not interested. Maybe not the best move. And his rebuttal? He looked at me and said "you are just fat and jealous" so, I slapped him.
Multiple unwanted advances = pushy. "Fat and jealous" remark = dick.
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Larissa_NY wrote: »salembambi wrote: »standing up for your friend was the right thing to do his reaction is very typical and basic
Doesn't her friend get to decide if it was the right thing to do? Because I'd be *kitten* furious.
I mean, I'm making things up here, but think about it from the friend's point of view. It's New Year's Eve, you're just trying to have a good time at a bar, and not only do you have some doofus hitting on you and refusing to pick up on go-away signals, but then all of a sudden you have to deal with bouncers and bartenders and potentially the police because your drunk friend decides you need a knight in shining Spanx to protect you from bar doofuses and physically starts a fight with him.
I'd have hauled the drunk friend out of the bar, shoved her in a cab, and told her not to call me again until she stopped taking her cues for how to behave in public from Jersey Shore reruns.
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So there was drinking, someone hitting on a woman who wasn't interested, insults traded and one person hits another. Sounds like the story of every bar fight ever. Logically, I know that OP was wrong and she recklessly endangered herself but emotionally, I'm a little bit proud that she didn't let random dude crap on her.
I am really getting depressed by the number of people on this thread with absolutely zero awareness of the vast, gaping chasm full of conflict resolution tactics that exists between "let someone crap on you" and "become physically violent with them." I mean, that gap is basically where adult human civilization exists.0 -
Triplestep wrote: »RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »How do you know the man was a pushy dick?
This is how:There was this guy that would not leave my friend alone. So when he made another unwanted advance on her I looked at him and made a shooing motion and said she is not interested. Maybe not the best move. And his rebuttal? He looked at me and said "you are just fat and jealous" so, I slapped him.
Multiple unwanted advances = pushy. "Fat and jealous" remark = dick.
But from that snippet and from the rest of her post, we do not know if the friend told him to leave her alone or if she was just rolling her eyes and giggling when he turned his back. There is not enough information on the situation to make some of the leaps and bounds that are being taken in this thread.0 -
So there was drinking, someone hitting on a woman who wasn't interested, insults traded and one person hits another. Sounds like the story of every bar fight ever. Logically, I know that OP was wrong and she recklessly endangered herself but emotionally, I'm a little bit proud that she didn't let random dude crap on her.
"The dude" didn't even look or speak to the OP until she shooed him away, as much as we know. How did he crap on her?
Seriously I'm against people feeling they have the right to grope(Ever) or tap up any one under the influence but this is nuts. He tapped up a friend. A friend who later turned on the OP as she was out of order.0 -
TheBeachgod wrote: »Larissa_NY wrote: »salembambi wrote: »standing up for your friend was the right thing to do his reaction is very typical and basic
Doesn't her friend get to decide if it was the right thing to do? Because I'd be *kitten* furious.
I mean, I'm making things up here, but think about it from the friend's point of view. It's New Year's Eve, you're just trying to have a good time at a bar, and not only do you have some doofus hitting on you and refusing to pick up on go-away signals, but then all of a sudden you have to deal with bouncers and bartenders and potentially the police because your drunk friend decides you need a knight in shining Spanx to protect you from bar doofuses and physically starts a fight with him.
I'd have hauled the drunk friend out of the bar, shoved her in a cab, and told her not to call me again until she stopped taking her cues for how to behave in public from Jersey Shore reruns.
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I'm thinking in terms of my own DD. Any physical altercation usually results in the smaller person getting hurt, especially if it's a female vs a male. As I mentioned, if the dude was relentless, you mention it to the right people to have it taken care of. Most dudes like this who harass females get thrown out. Problem usually solved.myfelinepal wrote: »
Lol, if you think standing up to someone is going to "change" them, have fun with that. May they leave that one person alone? Maybe, but habitual behavior would just have them find someone else to do it to regardless of how many "stand up" to them.myfelinepal wrote: »RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »myfelinepal wrote: »
Why not? I've had people at the gym laugh at me as "the trainer" with insults of why are they paying this guy for a job that the average gym rat could do. Eh. If that's their feeling, more power to them. What's confronting them going to do? People ALREADY know that they are being buttheads and confronting them could just lead to more unneeded BS. What happens if I walk away from it? Nothing. Letting it AFFECT ME is what they want. You're putting power in the hands of people who have ego issues. Must be my thick skin from doing door to door sales for years.myfelinepal wrote: »The correct response would have been to smile and walk away. He got the response he wanted and you fell for it. Emotional control might be something you want to work on this year. And as mentioned, physically attacking someone shouldn't be the way to handle a problem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't necessarily think smile and walk away is the right response either. That sounds like an awfully archaic ladylike response and shows the guy he can get away with insulting women without repercussions.
If someone insults you do you smile and walk away?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It's nice that it can fluff your ego like that but what about the next person?
I agree you have to read the situation and sometimes you can walk away. But sometimes you have to stand up for yourselves and stop the BS even if you're at risk of violence from the other person.
But maybe that's my thick skin from coming out in a Christian school at 15.
This wasn't one of those times, she wasn't cornered with no way out. All she had to do was wave a bouncer/bar staff member over and he would have been kicked out.
But the suggestion wasn't even to do that it was to smile and walk away aka not address the man's negative behaviour in any way.
To be clear I do not support the OP (if you read my other posts) but a blanket statement that all women should smile and walk away is so wrong.
Why do you think people with money seem to get away with everything? Peoples character don't change unless they want to change it willfully.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
You're probably right. But waving a white flag against unlikely odds is not my style.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
So you're amending your original statement of 'smile and walk away' to 'contact the relative authorities'?
Not really the same thing.0 -
Larissa_NY wrote: »So there was drinking, someone hitting on a woman who wasn't interested, insults traded and one person hits another. Sounds like the story of every bar fight ever. Logically, I know that OP was wrong and she recklessly endangered herself but emotionally, I'm a little bit proud that she didn't let random dude crap on her.
I am really getting depressed by the number of people on this thread with absolutely zero awareness of the vast, gaping chasm full of conflict resolution tactics that exists between "let someone crap on you" and "become physically violent with them." I mean, that gap is basically where adult human civilization exists.
+1 it's very disturbing.0 -
Larissa_NY wrote: »So there was drinking, someone hitting on a woman who wasn't interested, insults traded and one person hits another. Sounds like the story of every bar fight ever. Logically, I know that OP was wrong and she recklessly endangered herself but emotionally, I'm a little bit proud that she didn't let random dude crap on her.
I am really getting depressed by the number of people on this thread with absolutely zero awareness of the vast, gaping chasm full of conflict resolution tactics that exists between "let someone crap on you" and "become physically violent with them." I mean, that gap is basically where adult human civilization exists.
+10
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