Calling out Lazy is the Lazy answer
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jgnatca
Posts: 14,464 Member
I am peeved when I see responses calling out posters asking for help as being....lazy. In my opinion, that's the lazy answer. I recall all the work I did over the past few years losing weight, reaching fitness goals and all of that, and at various times I got bored, discouraged, distracted, or tempted. The courage came from getting up again and giving it another go. When I got up again, though, I didn't try and do the same old tired thing again. If something wasn't working, there was a reason. I dug deep, figured it out, and tried something new.
Beating myself up never worked. Making a life change of this sort is hard enough without beating on my own poor self, let alone anyone else getting on my case. Anyone who might have whispered the word, "lazy" around me would have been tasered with my gimlet eye. This life change was darned hard work and nobody could know it as well as me, living in my own skin. But I am surrounded, surprisingly consistently, by a terrific group of people who encouraged me and congratulated me on my successes. They helped.
Instead of responding to a discouraged poster by telling them to tough it out, stop making excuses, and don't be lazy, how about digging down with a few pointed questions to help them see out of the hole they've got themselves in? Help them imagine a new way out of their problem.
It's easy enough on the other side to say how easy it has been, but living inside it, it seems insurmountable. Please don't forget that feeling of despair, the barely daring to hope for a better life. Respond kindly and intelligently.
Beating myself up never worked. Making a life change of this sort is hard enough without beating on my own poor self, let alone anyone else getting on my case. Anyone who might have whispered the word, "lazy" around me would have been tasered with my gimlet eye. This life change was darned hard work and nobody could know it as well as me, living in my own skin. But I am surrounded, surprisingly consistently, by a terrific group of people who encouraged me and congratulated me on my successes. They helped.
Instead of responding to a discouraged poster by telling them to tough it out, stop making excuses, and don't be lazy, how about digging down with a few pointed questions to help them see out of the hole they've got themselves in? Help them imagine a new way out of their problem.
It's easy enough on the other side to say how easy it has been, but living inside it, it seems insurmountable. Please don't forget that feeling of despair, the barely daring to hope for a better life. Respond kindly and intelligently.
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Replies
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You are so right. Thanks for posting.0
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Thanks for the reply, @kshama2001 . I worry with a post like this, tied up with a pretty little bow, that there isn't a lot of room for contributions or discussion. But I welcome other thoughts.0
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It's almost like we all forget how it is to be horribly stuck and literally not seeing a way out. Sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective to see what we can do better. Most people asking for help are asking for this perspective. So yes, just telling them that they're lazy is woefully insufficient.0
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I don't think that I would call somebody lazy. However, I will at times state that a person is not dedicated or ready to make a change.0
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I like tough love, I think if your sitting in front of a tv all day eating chips, I WANT someone to tell me I am Lazy, get off the couch and get going!!, Its all about movement,, stop sitting so long and giddy up, kick some butt!, but I do see your point, everyone is so different and unique in their own way!0
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Wish I could "like" this post
I figure if you are here, then you are trying... and I am not the judge or jury member so more power to you!0 -
I don't think that I would call somebody lazy. However, I will at times state that a person is not dedicated or ready to make a change.
I think "Are you sure you're ready to make this type of change?" is the type of pointed question that needs to be asked for someone to have that gut-check moment (pun somewhat intended). I don't think that's dismissive or calling someone lazy.0 -
I am peeved when I see responses calling out posters asking for help as being....lazy. In my opinion, that's the lazy answer. I recall all the work I did over the past few years losing weight, reaching fitness goals and all of that, and at various times I got bored, discouraged, distracted, or tempted. The courage came from getting up again and giving it another go. When I got up again, though, I didn't try and do the same old tired thing again. If something wasn't working, there was a reason. I dug deep, figured it out, and tried something new.
Beating myself up never worked. Making a life change of this sort is hard enough without beating on my own poor self, let alone anyone else getting on my case. Anyone who might have whispered the word, "lazy" around me would have been tasered with my gimlet eye. This life change was darned hard work and nobody could know it as well as me, living in my own skin. But I am surrounded, surprisingly consistently, by a terrific group of people who encouraged me and congratulated me on my successes. They helped.
Instead of responding to a discouraged poster by telling them to tough it out, stop making excuses, and don't be lazy, how about digging down with a few pointed questions to help them see out of the hole they've got themselves in? Help them imagine a new way out of their problem.
It's easy enough on the other side to say how easy it has been, but living inside it, it seems insurmountable. Please don't forget that feeling of despair, the barely daring to hope for a better life. Respond kindly and intelligently.
I agree wholeheartedly! I've found some people who have been very successful losing weight to be quite hypocritical of others who are struggling. I may even be guilty of a little of this myself.
I recently found myself telling someone "If I can do it, anyone can do it." While that may sound like a nice, motivational thing to say, it's also laced with hypocrisy. Yes, anyone can lose weight, but for years I didn't. Why? It wasn't because I didn't want to, that's for sure. It was because it seemed too hard. Someone could have shown me a hundred weight loss success stories, but it wouldn't have mattered because those people weren't me.
I made the commitment to lose weight when I was ready, and that's what made it possible for me. Telling people that are struggling to lose weight or to even start the process that all they need is more willpower is often unhelpful. I'm not saying tough-love doesn't have it's place, but like OP said it's difficult to change your life, and some compassion and understanding could go a long way to helping someone.0 -
KANGOOJUMPS wrote: »I like tough love, I think if your sitting in front of a tv all day eating chips, I WANT someone to tell me I am Lazy, get off the couch and get going!!, Its all about movement,, stop sitting so long and giddy up, kick some butt!, but I do see your point, everyone is so different and unique in their own way!
Those cases are different. There are others who're trying but clearly know no better. Someone I know genuinely did not know how to work this site. So she was logging her calories incorrectly and was not seeing a loss although she was working hard at it.0 -
tincanonastring wrote: »I don't think that I would call somebody lazy. However, I will at times state that a person is not dedicated or ready to make a change.
I think "Are you sure you're ready to make this type of change?" is the type of pointed question that needs to be asked for someone to have that gut-check moment (pun somewhat intended). I don't think that's dismissive or calling someone lazy.
Yes, that's the kind of thing I mean. I don't lead with "well you're not ready." It's really after enough info/questioning to indicate such a thing. And really, I don't think that it's wrong to not be ready. I wasn't ready to truly change my eating and health habits until I hit a certain point where I just...was. Nobody is a bad person or lesser than anybody else if s/he chooses not to work on these things.0 -
tincanonastring wrote: »I don't think that I would call somebody lazy. However, I will at times state that a person is not dedicated or ready to make a change.
I think "Are you sure you're ready to make this type of change?" is the type of pointed question that needs to be asked for someone to have that gut-check moment (pun somewhat intended). I don't think that's dismissive or calling someone lazy.
I this this is a useful question "Are you sure you're ready to make this type of change?"
I think the opinion "You're not ready" is invalidating, and will cut off further dialog if the recipient gets defensive.0 -
I don't think I've ever seen that response
I must not be posting enough
:huh:0 -
I don't think that I would call somebody lazy. However, I will at times state that a person is not dedicated or ready to make a change.
^ This... if OP is talking about people who've been at it a while and get discouraged, I think the community if generally fairly helpful to these folks.
The only time I see anyone get called out (though I rarely see anyone called lazy per se) is when they come in and act surprised that their one week of 'eating clean' and exercising didn't yield that 80 pound loss they were counting on. Some people clearly aren't mentally prepared to do what it takes to achieve their goals, and that's OK, but support and advice is largely wasted on people that haven't made that commitment.
Harsh, but true.0 -
Like to hear some here on how they address the question "I need motivation or need to be motivated".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Like to hear some here on how they address the question "I need motivation or need to be motivated".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I share my own experience- came to MFP knowing it was necessary, but not with the best attitude. Built my motivation little by little with small changes & successes.
Always love your kind, thoughtful posts that encourage people to think, jgnatca 0 -
Like to hear some here on how they address the question "I need motivation or need to be motivated".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I don't answer those questions. I don't think that there is anything that I can do to motivate a stranger. To me, motivation is too personal to get from people on the internet. I'm motivated by my health and physical goals and by wanting to be a good example to my daughter and a healthy partner for my husband. I might admire somebody online for changes they've made, but I don't equate that with being motivated by that person.0 -
Like to hear some here on how they address the question "I need motivation or need to be motivated".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
This would be hard for me to respond to because I just generally don't get my motivation from external sources. But I do get that some people need someone else pushing them. I guess my response would be something like "In what ways does your weight negatively affect your life, and in what ways do you think losing weight would improve it?" The answers to those questions would be the source of motivation for that person.
Now if what they really needed was an accountability buddy, or a drill sergeant to yell at them to get off the couch, that's just not me.0 -
tincanonastring wrote: »I don't think that I would call somebody lazy. However, I will at times state that a person is not dedicated or ready to make a change.
I think "Are you sure you're ready to make this type of change?" is the type of pointed question that needs to be asked for someone to have that gut-check moment (pun somewhat intended). I don't think that's dismissive or calling someone lazy.
I agree with this.
And for me, I wasn't for some time, and then I was. Letting myself off the hook instead of beating myself up for failing when I wasn't ready was actually helpful, and realizing that if I was ready I'd commit to certain things helped me get there. The latter was a way of understanding that it really was in my control, and understanding that is essential to success, I think. Also essential is understanding WHY it's important to YOU to lose the weight, and for many people they just think they should because they have this general sense that it's bad to be overweight or others are telling them. They need to work through the why and how for themselves, fundamentally, I believe.
I don't think I've ever noticed anyone being told they are lazy. I certainly would never say that (and I don't think not being ready is being lazy).0 -
Like to hear some here on how they address the question "I need motivation or need to be motivated".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I generally don't address it. If someone is posting that, IMO they don't have the inner-drive yet to make the changes and anything I say about finding it is going to fall on deaf ears. I try to help people who are ready for help.0 -
Like to hear some here on how they address the question "I need motivation or need to be motivated".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I talk about what motivates me.0
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