I'm trying to eat healthy but my Spouse isn't??
Replies
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Nothing tastes as good as being a healthy weight feels. Decide what you want to eat, and then save up for it, or otherwise fit it into your daily allotment. Look at your calories as cash - whats going to get you the biggest bang for your calorie money? What makes you feel successful and in control? Eating the tempting food, or holding onto your commitment to your goals?
We all have to make these choices every day, so unless your spouse is holding you down and stuffing "junk" food into your mouth, the decisions are all yours.0 -
I think it's a question of what you want more - do you want the donut or do you want to see a loss on the scale? I'll be honest - sometimes I want the donut, but usually I want the loss. I know it's hard to ignore delicious food when it is everywhere, but you can do it! Think of your daily calories like a budget. You can "spend" it on whatever you like, but you can get a lot more food if you spend it on fruits and vegetables instead of soda and cake. It's unfortunate that your family isn't on board, but ultimately, you have to be responsible for what you eat. Maybe you'll set a good example, and your wife will decide she wants to get fit, too?
You can have donuts and soda and cake in moderation and still lose weight AND have an overall healthy diet.0 -
CHALLENGE! My spouse and I have a "team challenge". If we lose a combined 10 lbs by our vacation we will go somewhere beyond what we planned. Anything over 10lbs by then we celebrate with extra spending money for the vacation. We have both been doing well.
This is brilliant! I think I will do the same with my husband. That sounds very motivating and it still makes it a team effort. Love it!
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So does he have a TV outside to watch sports while he snacks on what he likes?cushman5279 wrote: »I simply stated to my husband that if he wanted that kind of stuff he would have to have it outside of the house, and if he did bring it home, he needed to hide it LOL!
The control issue is yours, not his. Imposing restriction on him because there's no self control on your part is pretty selfish. How about when he wants to eat some "junk", you go up to your bedroom till he's done? That's just as fair right?
I am one of those people who hates to have foods in the house that are delicious/high calorie/low nutritional value. I exercise self control most effectively by not buying these things at all. Luckily, my husband is completely on board with this.
When I have these foods in the house, I can and do resist eating them (usually), but I think about them CONSTANTLY. It's torture. There's a perpetual inner dialogue running.
"You can eat just two Oreos."
"Technically, that's true, but if I have one Oreo, I will eat 8 Oreos. I know this from experience. Even if I do eat just 2 Oreos, that will put me over for the day."
5 minutes later.
"If you eat all the Oreos while nobody is looking and replace them before anyone knows you ate them, it's like it never happened."
"Shut up."
5 minutes later.
"If you eat the Oreos now, you can just make the calorie deficit up over the course of the week."
"Are you on freaking crack? I get 1300 calories per day; where exactly are these calories going to be cut from? (/eats another goddamn carrot)"
Nonstop, the entire time I'm awake.
Why would I do that to myself? I wish that people who can keep things like Oreos and Doritos in the house without thinking about them constantly understood how lucky they are.
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My bf is the same. He doesn't eat veg and he loves his sweets and soda. The easiest way I have found to deal with it is to eat all whole, healthy foods all day at work, then make a dinner that pleases all of us, then if it fits my goal, enjoy his tasty garbage. I don't expect him to change, I just have to work with it. Honestly, I struggle, but that's not on him, it's on me and my will power (or lack thereof).0
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My husband is trying to bulk up and he has a very active job. He needs to eat a lot. I am trying to eat less. I have learned to not eat the foods that he buys for himself. It takes a lot of willpower, but I am not going to succeed in the long run if I do not practice using my willpower!0
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Sabotage only happens when the person is being dishonest about what they are giving the other person. Bringing in food that the SO likes to eat on their own is hardly sabotage.As long as your wife isn't actively trying to sabotage you, it's up to you to make it work and not eat the donuts and fast food.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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my husband is the same way honestly at first it drove me nuts and i was like "if he wanted to be healthy I would support it "but after about a week of fighting really bad cravings from seeing this stuff it does dissipate , now if it is something i really really like I will pinch off a tiny piece and nibble it and that makes my body go ok there you had it lol some times just smelling it and going mmm the smell good helps me, some people cant do these things with out going nuts so you gotta find what works for you with out relying on someone else to change because ultimately no one can care more about you than you, except God he does a good job and be nice to yourself. I see to many people including me being so hard on their self's because we want rapid results , hey if your 10 lbs lighter next year then that is progress , I have lost 55 lbs since august that's a lot but I almost gave up because I read some one had lost 50 lbs in 3 months and felt what i did fell short. How silly is that !? I realized i was being ridiculous and that I had done good but some people will tell you it isnt good enough but i say as long as we keep trying to better our self's It is perfection in motion keep it up and be strong and kind to yourself and your wife it will all work out 1
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gooseonabike wrote: »My bf is the same. He doesn't eat veg and he loves his sweets and soda. The easiest way I have found to deal with it is to eat all whole, healthy foods all day at work, then make a dinner that pleases all of us, then if it fits my goal, enjoy his tasty garbage. I don't expect him to change, I just have to work with it. Honestly, I struggle, but that's not on him, it's on me and my will power (or lack thereof).
This
My husband loves to bake cakes. I make sure I eat 1 piece and freeze a couple of pieces. I can always fit them into my calories. Also, it makes him feel appreciated that I eat his yummy cakes.
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The fact is, this is your journey, not hers. It is unreasonable to ask her to alter what she brings in the house or eats because of your issues with self-control. Don't get me wrong, I know it is hard. My husband is a tall man, where I am a short woman, so even if we eat the same things he can often eat twice as much as I can and still be in a good range for him. This will always be reality for us, even if he ate great, healthy food all the time, because he has a much higher allotment of calories than I ever will. So, I know it sucks, but it is life. You will always be around people who either can, or simply do, eat more than you or eat things you choose not to. No one can "diet-proof" your life. It is about learning to make good choices rather than removing all the bad choices. It's hard, but you can do it. =D0
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My fiancé has a chocolate tin. He has filled it up with Snickers, Twix, Kitkats... All things I could genuinely devour. But I don't. I don't want to. It has gotten to the point in my journey that my outlook on food has changed, where I would rather hit my goal then go over for a piece of chocolate that won't satisfy me for longer than a minute.
It's sheer willpower. If I want a treat, I will have one. I do make sure however it fits my calories. I was eating Skittles today AND THEY WERE AWESOME. Do you know what was even better? I could eat them and STILL hit my calorie goal.
It's not about deprivation. It's just learning to love a little less of things, so it is actually a treat and not a massive binge.0 -
As far as trying to make better choices, perhaps put your healthy snacks in one cabinet, and the higher calorie items in another place. This way you don't have to look at them when finding something to eat. Also, prepare! If I am making a high calorie dinner (I cook for my family, and they'd riot if I forced them to eat salads all the time, much like when I tried to feed them cauliflower mashed potatoes), I prep a salad for myself. This helps me from feeling tempted to eat the other items, because I've already made my dinner and it is ready to eat. It becomes easier to succeed in a difficult environment (with temptations) if you make sure you are prepared with healthy, already weighed and measured portions of food.0
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I lost 80 pounds with my husband still ordering fried food at restaurants and eating a ton of snacks while watching TV next to me at night...
You just have to want it hard enough not to use it as an excuse.0 -
So does he have a TV outside to watch sports while he snacks on what he likes?cushman5279 wrote: »I simply stated to my husband that if he wanted that kind of stuff he would have to have it outside of the house, and if he did bring it home, he needed to hide it LOL!
The control issue is yours, not his. Imposing restriction on him because there's no self control on your part is pretty selfish. How about when he wants to eat some "junk", you go up to your bedroom till he's done? That's just as fair right?
I am one of those people who hates to have foods in the house that are delicious/high calorie/low nutritional value. I exercise self control most effectively by not buying these things at all. Luckily, my husband is completely on board with this.
When I have these foods in the house, I can and do resist eating them (usually), but I think about them CONSTANTLY. It's torture. There's a perpetual inner dialogue running.
"You can eat just two Oreos."
"Technically, that's true, but if I have one Oreo, I will eat 8 Oreos. I know this from experience. Even if I do eat just 2 Oreos, that will put me over for the day."
5 minutes later.
"If you eat all the Oreos while nobody is looking and replace them before anyone knows you ate them, it's like it never happened."
"Shut up."
5 minutes later.
"If you eat the Oreos now, you can just make the calorie deficit up over the course of the week."
"Are you on freaking crack? I get 1300 calories per day; where exactly are these calories going to be cut from? (/eats another goddamn carrot)"
Nonstop, the entire time I'm awake.
Why would I do that to myself? I wish that people who can keep things like Oreos and Doritos in the house without thinking about them constantly understood how lucky they are.
I understand and have that internal dialogue as well. I'm just astounded? bothered? amazed? that a spouse would be fine with having his/her food thrown out in the yard because the other spouse can't control him/herself.0 -
My husband doesn't need to lose weight and can't seem to go more than 2 days without dessert (he usually doesn't make it that long
). Since he loves baking, those sweets are in the house all day every day. I have learned to try to leave a couple hundred calories at the end of each day so I can indulge as well since resisting is too difficult for me. 0 -
The wife shouldn't be expected to follow the same diet, but I do think it's respectful to help a spouse on a difficult journey. Maybe talk to her about how you feel and just ask that she keep those foods somewhere else in the house, and/or not eat them right in front of you, to help you avoid the temptation, at least until resisting that temptation gets easier.
I deal with the same thing. Sometimes I remind my husband, "please don't offer me ______. I know you're just trying to be nice but it's hard to say no." Or "please don't ask me if I want to watch a movie when you know I was planning on going to the gym. It's really important to me that I stick with this and my brain loves to give me excuses not to go. We can always plan to watch it after, or on a non-gym night."
There's no reason there can't be a compromise between minimizing the temptation being right in your face, and your wife still being able to enjoy her own treats. Good luck!
Editing to add: Yes, the decision of what we eat is ultimately ours, but feeling like we're missing out is one reason so many of us give up early on. And moderation is harder for some people than others. It takes time to get used to a new lifestyle, and learning how to moderate, and not have that "missing out" feeling. OP, only you know what your strengths and weaknesses are. Talk to your wife about them- if she's supportive and you both try to look at this from both your points of view, I'm sure you guys can find a compromise.
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I'm finding it so much easier this go-around with a partner who is making changes with me. We aren't dieting, we're eating better, eating less, eating healthier. In my mind, it's not a question of who needs to lose weight, but how healthy we can be as a couple and as a household. If she's not interested in your health, or in her own, there's probably something more going on.
1 Question: Who does the shopping for the household? You, or your wife? I do all of our shopping, cooking (weighing, measuring, etc). If she's doing all of the shopping, maybe offer to start doing it instead?0 -
Let's be clear here. While "outta sight, outta mind" does work, the issue of self control still lies with you. You get to choose whether or not you want to eat more than one Oreo. And while I get that they taste good, it STILL boils down to self control. If you have no self control, that's the issue you need to work on, not forcing everyone else to conform to your lack of it.
So does he have a TV outside to watch sports while he snacks on what he likes?cushman5279 wrote: »I simply stated to my husband that if he wanted that kind of stuff he would have to have it outside of the house, and if he did bring it home, he needed to hide it LOL!
The control issue is yours, not his. Imposing restriction on him because there's no self control on your part is pretty selfish. How about when he wants to eat some "junk", you go up to your bedroom till he's done? That's just as fair right?
I am one of those people who hates to have foods in the house that are delicious/high calorie/low nutritional value. I exercise self control most effectively by not buying these things at all. Luckily, my husband is completely on board with this.
When I have these foods in the house, I can and do resist eating them (usually), but I think about them CONSTANTLY. It's torture. There's a perpetual inner dialogue running.
"You can eat just two Oreos."
"Technically, that's true, but if I have one Oreo, I will eat 8 Oreos. I know this from experience. Even if I do eat just 2 Oreos, that will put me over for the day."
5 minutes later.
"If you eat all the Oreos while nobody is looking and replace them before anyone knows you ate them, it's like it never happened."
"Shut up."
5 minutes later.
"If you eat the Oreos now, you can just make the calorie deficit up over the course of the week."
"Are you on freaking crack? I get 1300 calories per day; where exactly are these calories going to be cut from? (/eats another goddamn carrot)"
Nonstop, the entire time I'm awake.
Why would I do that to myself? I wish that people who can keep things like Oreos and Doritos in the house without thinking about them constantly understood how lucky they are.
It comes down to how you change habitual behavior. And you can change behavior if you WANT to.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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The wife shouldn't be expected to follow the same diet, but I do think it's respectful to help a spouse on a difficult journey. Maybe talk to her about how you feel and just ask that she keep those foods somewhere else in the house, and/or not eat them right in front of you, to help you avoid the temptation, at least until resisting that temptation gets easier.
I deal with the same thing. Sometimes I remind my husband, "please don't offer me ______. I know you're just trying to be nice but it's hard to say no." Or "please don't ask me if I want to watch a movie when you know I was planning on going to the gym. It's really important to me that I stick with this and my brain loves to give me excuses not to go. We can always plan to watch it after, or on a non-gym night."
There's no reason there can't be a compromise between minimizing the temptation being right in your face, and your wife still being able to enjoy her own treats. Good luck!
Thank you for giving such a sensible response.
OP - all the people who are saying that this is your journey, not hers, they're right. You can't make her eat differently or demand that she follow the same diet as you. But you can tell her how certain foods affect you, and ask her to support you while you make these changes for yourself. Certain foods are a trigger for me (i.e., I can't have just one serving of something, so it's failure waiting to happen if it's in the house - I'm looking at you, chocolate chip cookies!), and while it's getting easier to resist temptation as time goes on, it was really difficult for me to resist those temptations when I recommitted to using MFP in January. I mean, I would literally be angry and resentful (inwardly, didn't lash out at anyone) that I couldn't eat as much as other people, and it took all I had not to binge. I got a lot of chores done around the house at that time, just trying to distract myself!
Marriage is a lot of work, and it requires a lot of communication and honesty to be successful. It's also reasonable to expect that a spouse would support the other when going through a difficult time, within reason, of course. Just tell her how you feel, and keep tracking your calories. The motivation and self-control will follow.0 -
ElizabethOakes2 wrote: »I'm finding it so much easier this go-around with a partner who is making changes with me. We aren't dieting, we're eating better, eating less, eating healthier. In my mind, it's not a question of who needs to lose weight, but how healthy we can be as a couple and as a household. If she's not interested in your health, or in her own, there's probably something more going on.
1 Question: Who does the shopping for the household? You, or your wife? I do all of our shopping, cooking (weighing, measuring, etc). If she's doing all of the shopping, maybe offer to start doing it instead?
The OP doesn't really give enough information for us to assume that his wife isn't interested in her health.
Maybe his wife is already a healthy weight? Maybe she is losing weight also but she understands that eating those foods in moderation is fine? Maybe they're both healthy weights, but her husband watched a documentary on Netflix and has started some clean-eating crusade?
We have no idea, so we can only advise him on what he actually posted. He has not come back to clarify anything or offer any additional information, so I stand by my original advice that this is his issue and not his wife's. He is in control over what he eats, and she is in control over what she eats.
Also, even if he does the shopping, that would not stop her from going out and buying those foods on her own. It's in OP's best interest to either learn how to practice moderation or figure out how to avoid the foods in the house that he doesn't want to eat.0 -
This is my life. I totally understand what you are going through.0
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Even though it might be easy, you have control over what you put in your body. Try to resist but allow yourself an occasional cheat if that helps.0
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Can you ask her to hide it? No joke, my fiance hides the junk he buys at my request. He usually eats it when I'm not around or awake. I don't have the self-control he has, so he knows if his bag of chips is going to last , he has to hide it (or get a flavor I don't like). Its not perfect but it works.0
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So does he have a TV outside to watch sports while he snacks on what he likes?cushman5279 wrote: »I simply stated to my husband that if he wanted that kind of stuff he would have to have it outside of the house, and if he did bring it home, he needed to hide it LOL!
The control issue is yours, not his. Imposing restriction on him because there's no self control on your part is pretty selfish. How about when he wants to eat some "junk", you go up to your bedroom till he's done? That's just as fair right?
I am one of those people who hates to have foods in the house that are delicious/high calorie/low nutritional value. I exercise self control most effectively by not buying these things at all. Luckily, my husband is completely on board with this.
When I have these foods in the house, I can and do resist eating them (usually), but I think about them CONSTANTLY. It's torture. There's a perpetual inner dialogue running.
"You can eat just two Oreos."
"Technically, that's true, but if I have one Oreo, I will eat 8 Oreos. I know this from experience. Even if I do eat just 2 Oreos, that will put me over for the day."
5 minutes later.
"If you eat all the Oreos while nobody is looking and replace them before anyone knows you ate them, it's like it never happened."
"Shut up."
5 minutes later.
"If you eat the Oreos now, you can just make the calorie deficit up over the course of the week."
"Are you on freaking crack? I get 1300 calories per day; where exactly are these calories going to be cut from? (/eats another goddamn carrot)"
Nonstop, the entire time I'm awake.
Why would I do that to myself? I wish that people who can keep things like Oreos and Doritos in the house without thinking about them constantly understood how lucky they are.
I understand and have that internal dialogue as well. I'm just astounded? bothered? amazed? that a spouse would be fine with having his/her food thrown out in the yard because the other spouse can't control him/herself.
Agreed. If my husband showed me that much disrespect (and vice versa) I don't think we'd still be together.0 -
MichelleLei1 wrote: »Maybe ask her to put all the junk food in one cabinet? Or move all your healthy snacks to a separate place? At home I have all my healthy stuff in a separate cabinet away from all the other the tempting junk food we have in the house. That's pretty much the best you can do imo.
This is what I was thinking. I would ask for her help, but ultimately I agree with others that you need to figure out how to make it work, and it's not your wife's responsibility to make that happen.
When I first started losing weight, I had certain treats that I could eat in small quantities that kept me on track when I was craving sweets. My husband would rummage through the cupboard and eat them all because they were there. I had to explain to him that I really needed to know these were there when I needed them, and he was welcome to have whatever he wanted in the house but I needed him to not eat my stuff unless it was in small quantities. When he understood my goals and how he was interfering with them, he was more than happy to help me.0 -
Been there, and honestly if you find the secret, let me know. My husband is military and deployed right now, so I don't have to struggle with that, but when he comes back I know it's going to be VERY difficult. When he was home, I gained about 25lb in two years (which looks like a lot on my height) and it's a lot easier now that he's gone. I've had a perfect two weeks since he left. I'm hoping I'll be able to get him to be a little more healthy when he comes home (though he's stick skinny and uses the excuse that he doesn't need to eat healthy)0
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I'm sorry but the only issue is with the OP. It would be different if she was force feeding a tube down your throat.
You have to take responsibility for your own actions. You're an adult.0 -
Just about the throwing the stuff into the yard thing - maybe the poster is joking, maybe not. I can envision a different scenario.
If the thrower is the one who is unable to demonstrate sufficient self control, and is really struggling with the temptation, then maybe it can be viewed as a significant and desperate call for some support, and not just a rude or disrespectful action.
We simply cannot "assume" anything, because when you do, you make an "*kitten*" out of "u and me" (old psych joke, but still true!!)
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It's easy to say suck it up and you cannot expect your spouse to do the same as you etc., but it is already very hard to stick to a plan and that much worse when temptations are always around you. At the very least, I would ask if she can eat her treats as far away from you as possible and explain how you feel and what you are trying to do for yourself. You can also have something similar to what she is having but your treat is much more calorie friendly. For example, you have a Weight Watchers pizza while she has the real thing. If you dress up your WW pizza, it will be a treat also. If she has chips, have rice cakes, popcorn, or Special K chip crackers.
Stay strong 0 -
cross2bear wrote: »Just about the throwing the stuff into the yard thing - maybe the poster is joking, maybe not. If she isnt, can you not see a situation in which this might be one way to express frustration? Or anger? Or worry about a spouses perhaps out of control eating? Can you see it as an expression of love and concern? Can you view it as a way to make a point, but with someones best interest in mind? Maybe for some people, that is what is necessary to get someones attention and demonstrate the seriousness of the eating situation. We simply cannot "assume" anything, because when you do, you make an "*kitten*" out of "u and me" (old psych joke, but still true!!)
No to the bolded.
And as far as "assuming" goes, of course we make assumptions based on people's posts. Sometimes they volunteer more information, sometimes they don't. But they make a post on a public forum, and we respond based off the information given. Otherwise there'd never be any discussion.0
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