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snowflake954 wrote: »Let me get the facts straight. Your father is a doctor. Your mother is dead. You are going to the university--all paid for by your father. When you come home from the university he makes a comment saying you need to move more and this is insulting to you. I read your profile that says you've always been fat as a kid, and you hate it. Now you're 18. All correct? As a parent, I'll tell you what I think. First of all your father lost his wife and probably doesn't want to lose you too. He's trying to nuge you in the right direction, but you (literally) aren't budging. How about responding "Sure dad, I was getting tired of sitting--lets go for a long walk together". If you really want to change your life, as you say in your profile, then get to it. Stick close to your father, and build a relationship since it's only the two of you. Get smart before it's too late.
A lot of wisdom in there.
Maybe you'll have to "grow up" a bit faster than the average kid, since you lost your mom early, and that isn't fair. But now, both literally and figuratively, you must get up, and move on.
As snowflake954 said, you are not alone. Build or rebuild that relationship with your dad on new basis, i.e. not like his "little girl" but as a young woman.
As long as there is love, there is hope. It's cheesy, but so true.
Good luck and take care.0 -
stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are
So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???
I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....
And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
that's a very adult way to deal with the matter!
People need to read entire threads before they comment. I didn't say cut the man off forever, I said to stop going home for a while. It's always okay to take a break from a relationship to work on yourself. Op has said she suffers from depression and anxiety. I also suggested she get some therapy to figure out why she is so triggered by him. She's asked the man to stop commenting on her weight and he gets defensive and continues. At that point it becomes abusive. And no, I would never continue to say things to my adult child that upsets him then defend saying those things. I'd apologize like a normal person and not do it again. I would completely expect for my son to avoid me if I continuously said things to upset him. If you think that it's okay to do that to someone because you're an "annoying parent" then I suggest you also seek some therapy.
"The man" is her dad....her father, the guy who did his utmost to keep his little girl healthy and happy... Without instructions, a textbook, a YouTube video on "how to be the perfect parent"..... Sorry, but an 18 year old still trying to blame her weight problem on someone else, is clearly not an adult ....Manipulating your loved ones to get your own way might be the preferred way for the "me generation" to deal with their problems, but it is nothing but mean and loathsome.... And above all, weak..... Good luck with your son..... And good luck growing up eventually!
Are you seriously using my son and youthful looks to directly attack me and infantile me? You are out of line and lacking in common courtesy. Op came here for help and advice and I gave it based on what she posted. Don't wish me good luck with my son or growing up. That is condescending, rude, and not helpful to the op.
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"The man" is her dad....her father, the guy who did his utmost to keep his little girl healthy and happy... Without instructions, a textbook, a YouTube video on "how to be the perfect parent"..... Sorry, but an 18 year old still trying to blame her weight problem on someone else, is clearly not an adult ....Manipulating your loved ones to get your own way might be the preferred way for the "me generation" to deal with their problems, but it is nothing but mean and loathsome.... And above all, weak..... Good luck with your son..... And good luck growing up eventually!
Hi, just to clarify, I have never blamed my father on my weight - I don't know where you got that idea from. I know that he has tried to help as much as he could when I was growing up. As for manipulating people, I don't. Plain and simple. I'm far too socially anxious (even with my immediate family) to even try to. I've been manipulated myself by a guy who I thought was my best friend so I know that it's not something an adult would so.
Also, please don't insult other people on this thread. It's not achieving anything and has nothing to do with what I originally posted about. Thanks.Char231023 wrote: »Ok, so you are overweight and you are not happy being over weight, So your dad, the Dr, asks you if your knees hurt and tell you that you need to more more. Sounds like he is trying to help you in your goal to lose weight. Not to change you as you put it. BTW I would fully expect any Dr. to suggest a workout program and to lighten their diet to their patients overweight for health reasons.
As for people saying he is verbally abusing you (from what you told us he says to you). That is not verbal abuse.
What do you do when you get home from the university? Sit on your butt on the couch or on the computer. Then yes you do need to move more.
I actually don't just sit at home and do nothing. I'm pretty active and am usually exercising for at least an hour a day, whether that's walking the dog or at the gym. If I'm not being active then I'm in my room studying so that I can graduate university with the highest grade possible - this is when he tells me to move more. I don't just sit there and stare at the TV for hours on end. Just because he hasn't seen me go out that day doesn't mean that I haven't. I know that he's trying to help but he's going about it in the wrong way. Yeah, maybe I'm too sensitive and read too much into it but that's just what I'm like.
I didn't start this thread with the intention of getting sympathy/pity or for people to insult me/my dad. I only started it to know what people who have been through the same thing did. I don't want people who have no experience of this situation to weigh in when they don't know what it's like.
Thank you to those who have read this and understood what it's like for me, it's appreciated.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Let me get the facts straight. Your father is a doctor. Your mother is dead. You are going to the university--all paid for by your father. When you come home from the university he makes a comment saying you need to move more and this is insulting to you. I read your profile that says you've always been fat as a kid, and you hate it. Now you're 18. All correct? As a parent, I'll tell you what I think. First of all your father lost his wife and probably doesn't want to lose you too. He's trying to nuge you in the right direction, but you (literally) aren't budging. How about responding "Sure dad, I was getting tired of sitting--lets go for a long walk together". If you really want to change your life, as you say in your profile, then get to it. Stick close to your father, and build a relationship since it's only the two of you. Get smart before it's too late.
So much this.0 -
Sometimes the hardest things to hear are the ones we need to hear the most. Instead of wallowing in your bad feelings try accepting that what your dad is saying is true. No amount of feeling bad will change that it is true. Not saying it to you because you might have hurt feelings won't change that it is true.
Try changing yourself on the inside. Try accepting the positive in those comments. Your dad loves you. He cares about you enough to do something as hard as speak up to you about it. Even though he knows you could react badly and even push him away he still tries. When he says those things think to yourself. "Wow my dad really cares about me. I a so lucky so have such an amazing parent. I might not be ready to work on this problem just yet but it is good to know that he will be right there supporting me when I am."0 -
Just curious how tall are you? Do you have a goal weight in mind?0
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If he's a doctor, I'll chalk it up to most doctors I've ever met just being pretty blunt about whatever findings they observed when they examine a situation. Even if they are a parent.
And OP, you DON'T have to exercise or even move much to lose weight. You just need to eat less than you burn. Studying all the time can be correlated with "mindless" eating due to stress and just needing to do something with your hands. Clamp down on your eating habits and change them and losing weight will be more attainable.
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Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »Just curious how tall are you? Do you have a goal weight in mind?
I'm 5'2" so I'm aiming for at least 130, preferably 110 though0 -
Dad: Don't you think it's time to lose weight? Your knees must be hurting you.
sparkle: Dad! I'm studying for a final in this demanding course that you are paying for. Can we talk about this later?
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Dad: So it's later. How did the exam go? Can we talk about your weight?
sparkle. Aced it, as you knew I would. This random hints about my weight are driving me crazy. I'd like to talk about this further, but I think it has to be staged.
Dad: staged?
sparkle: Yeah, like the two of us go on a date or something, maybe a picnic at the lake, and talk about weight, self-esteem, pressure, and listening to feelings. Stuff like that.
Dad: I suddenly remembered there's a ball bearing assembly that needs polishing in the garage. Later, k?
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sparkle: So I was thinking, can we go out and have a father daughter dinner, just the two of us? What do you say?
Dad: Will we have to talk about our feelings?
sparkle: A little bit. But you can also order steak the way you like it. What do you say?
...
sparkle: How's the steak?
Dad: mmmm-mm
sparkle: So here's the thing. I know I'm overweight. I know it effects my health, mobility, heck, how I feel about myself. Lots of stuff. But I'm afraid if I try and tackle the weight and this demanding course load, it will be too much and I will fail. At both. Also, while your mouth is still full, you need to listen to me when I say what you are doing is too much. You have to back off. I know I need to do something about my weight but I want you to trust me that I know and I will deal with it on my own time.
Dad: mmm
sparkle: Glad we had this little talk. Next time you bring up my knees, my weight, whatever, I'll give you the gimlet eye, and that's your clue that you've over-stepped. Can you do that?
Dad: If I do that can we skip the talk about my feelings?
sparkle: Promise.1 -
@sparklydragons , some more possibilities to consider (in addition to the one where he's just being a pain in the buns and needs to stop):
Maybe he just walked to go for a walk with you? I'm not sure what your relationship is like and how much stuff you do together. It's possible he's reaching out and looking to spend time with you in one way he knows how. A lot of people don't come out and say what they want. Obviously, if that's what he's trying to do, it would be better to say, "would you like to go for a walk with me, pretty please?
". So my suggestion is to ask if what he's wanting is to go for a walk with you
Second one is to maybe over communicate your workouts, much like we do on our friends list here on MFP. Like just hollering or sending a text to say you're going for a workout or to walk the dog, or you just came back from doing so. Some people do like to micro manage a bit and this is one way to get them off your back. Watch them run when you decide to go into gruesome detail
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Parents can really be wonky people haha! I had a friend who's dad was a nurse. His dad felt nursing was the single best career in the whole universe (his dad like many other parents can be very close minded at times). Well my friend is currently a very successful teacher that specializes in special education, and his Dad STILL wants him to become a nurse.
I guess you need to ask yourself, is your Dad's opinion really the cornerstone of your weight loss success? In other words, if your Dad magically stopped saying those hurtful comments, would losing weight become significantly easier for you?
The fact of the matter it can be INCREDIBLY and maybe IMPOSSIBLY difficult to change someone's attitude/behavior, especially someone who is a Doctor. Of course my friend REALLY hated that his Dad was like that, but over time, he learned that his Dad wouldn't be changing any time soon. Instead he REDIRECTED his efforts by surrounding himself with ambitious teachers, studied hard, and made a great career with himself.
Honestly, it is highly unlikely your Dad will not stop saying those comments, but you have plenty of people here who are cheering for your weight loss success. Too many times, people spend their efforts on activities that produce low value results. For example, if fat loss is the main goal people, spend all their efforts doing endless amount of cardio until their blue in the face (low value), instead of redirecting their efforts to eating right and adopting healthy eating habits (high value). If my friend spent all his time convincing his Dad, he wouldn't be successful.
Please do not be those people who work so hard on the things that do not produce results. You'll always be angry and frustrated. You've already acknowledge your Dad's comments. Now it's time to move on, get all the help you can from this forum or any other positive influence, focus your efforts on your eating habits/behaviors, and I guarantee you will be successful! Good luck!0 -
Growing up my mom used to say very hurtful things to me about my weight. "Your stomach jiggles," "you're getting big," you don't want to be as fat as your friend do you," you need to do something," "jeez Sara suck it in or something". This was near daily through my childhood. She also would only order pizza if I was staying at a friends house and when the family went to fast food i could only eat a salad. Those aren't necessarily bad things but it kind of made me feel isolated and left out. She herself was big and her mother died at an early age due to obesity. I know that she was concerned but the treatment was borderline emotional abuse. The reason I tell you this is because a parents comments can greatly affect your self-esteem and it can take years to recover. After moving out I gained about 80 lbs. I ate freely and over indulged because I was finally free from judgement and restrictions. Not her fault but an effect of the treatment. At 27 I still battle negative thoughts about myself that I know stem directly from what she said to me. I look back at photos from that time and I was curvaceous and beautiful and growing up I had perceived myself as a fat slob and not worthy of affection. I didn't respect myself the way a young lady should.
My point is respectfully tell your dad how it makes you feel and start healing. Hearing negative things about yourself daily will begin to alter how you see yourself. Secondly, take care of your body now, you only have one and there's a long life ahead of you. Taking care of yourself will improve your body image and you will feel so much better about yourself. You are only 18 and it will never be as easy to take off weight and get fit as it it right now. Trust me
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sparklydragons wrote: »Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »Just curious how tall are you? Do you have a goal weight in mind?
I'm 5'2" so I'm aiming for at least 130, preferably 110 though
Okay, that is reasonable! Best wishes on your efforts, I hope you find peace in your relationship at home with your dad. Hope you can make the most of whatever your advantages are right now, and see your way through the challenges....challenges and difficult people will always be around you, so this is a growing opportunity. I want to encourage you to be respectful to your dad and make the most of the support and education you are offered right now. Not to be preachy, but consider the challenges of some of our greatest heroes, like George Washington Carver, a humble man with great challenges and great virtue! He's inspiring and his life gives good perspective.0 -
I hated statements like this. Until one day I realized that they were tacky but right. I wish my parents would've been more like that with me as a child. I would never have gotten overweight. When people see you succeed, they'll start asking how. I promise.0
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I never mentioned your "youthful" looks my dear, I was talking about your behaviour - and the reaction to me wishing you luck just proofed my point of you turning a simple comment into "emotional abuse". And I will never use children - all I said is that I hope your son never does to you what you are advocating someone else's child to do to her parent....Are you seriously using my son and youthful looks to directly attack me and infantile me? You are out of line and lacking in common courtesy. Op came here for help and advice and I gave it based on what she posted. Don't wish me good luck with my son or growing up. That is condescending, rude, and not helpful to the op.
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