Unhelpful comments

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Replies

  • CassidyScaglione
    CassidyScaglione Posts: 673 Member
    He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)

    Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)

    Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."

    Well, that's sexist.
  • LazSommer
    LazSommer Posts: 1,851 Member
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)

    Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."

    Well, that's sexist.

    Triggered.
  • CassidyScaglione
    CassidyScaglione Posts: 673 Member
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)

    Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."

    Well, that's sexist.

    lol. If you are going to try and convince me that men are GOOD at understanding women.... I live with one, so it won't work.
  • auddii
    auddii Posts: 15,357 Member
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)

    Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."

    Well, that's sexist.

    lol. If you are going to try and convince me that men are GOOD at understanding women.... I live with one, so it won't work.

    Nods.

    This is why lesbians never have communication or relationship problems.
  • LazSommer
    LazSommer Posts: 1,851 Member
    auddii wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)

    Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."

    Well, that's sexist.

    lol. If you are going to try and convince me that men are GOOD at understanding women.... I live with one, so it won't work.

    Nods.

    This is why lesbians never have communication or relationship problems.

    10/10 when is the move in date?
  • AugustHorizons
    AugustHorizons Posts: 43 Member
    edited April 2016
    Hey guys, just to clear some things up here, I'm not 'playing the victim'. How would you feel if your only parent kept on and on every single day for the past 5 years about how much you need to change who you are and what you look like? I understand that he does mean well in what he's saying, but even though I've talked to him about it he still doesn't understand that what he's saying hurts. I don't know whether it's because he's a doctor so he's quite clinical in the way he tries to say things, but it doesn't make sense to me why he still has the same attitude to it when he knows that it hurts me and isn't helping in the slightest.
    You're 18. Why the hell are you still living with the old man? I mean that in all helpfulness, having observed that the ambitious young find success when they try and that the unambitious young neither try nor find.

    I still live with him because I can't afford to live on my own... I don't have a student loan to support me at university - my dad saved up from when I was young and used some of the inheritance that my mother left so that I could graduate debt-free. I'm studying quite a demanding degree that takes up 80% of my time so I can't find a job that would support the hours that I'm available. It's nothing to do with being unambitious as I believe that I am an extremely ambitious person. I also suffer from severe anxiety and get extremely upset at the prospect of cutting anyone out of my life, no matter how toxic they are.
  • LazSommer
    LazSommer Posts: 1,851 Member
    Hey guys, just to clear some things up here, I'm not 'playing the victim'. How would you feel if your only parent kept on and on every single day for the past 5 years about how much you need to change who you are and what you look like? I understand that he does mean well in what he's saying, but even though I've talked to him about it he still doesn't understand that what he's saying hurts. I don't know whether it's because he's a doctor so he's quite clinical in the way he tries to say things, but it doesn't make sense to me why he still has the same attitude to it when he knows that it hurts me and isn't helping in the slightest.
    You're 18. Why the hell are you still living with the old man? I mean that in all helpfulness, having observed that the ambitious young find success when they try and that the unambitious young neither try nor find.

    I still live with him because I can't afford to live on my own... I don't have a student loan to support me at university - my dad saved up from when I was young and used some of the inheritance that my mother left so that I could graduate debt-free. I'm studying quite a demanding degree that takes up 80% of my time so I can't find a job that would support the hours that I'm available. It's nothing to do with being unambitious as I believe that I am an extremely ambitious person. I also suffer from severe anxiety and get extremely upset at the prospect of cutting anyone out of my life, no matter how toxic they are.

    Oh, so he wants you to succeed.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)

    Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."

    Well, that's sexist.

    lol. If you are going to try and convince me that men are GOOD at understanding women.... I live with one, so it won't work.

    Sorry about your faulty n=1 extrapolation...

    ...but I guess women have always been bad about making leaps like this.

    *shrug*
  • RoseTheWarrior
    RoseTheWarrior Posts: 2,035 Member
    Speaking as a person who is overweight, and now has a 22 yr old that is overweight, it can be very very hard to watch someone you love SO MUCH become so unhealthy. It's hard to know if I should say anything, or nothing. So far, I've lost over 60 lbs myself, and I'm simply hoping that he sees my results and embraces change in his life. I've offered copies of workout programs, and said only that as someone who is nearing 50 and dealing with arthritis and daily pain, I recommend moving while you can.

    By the sounds of it, your dad loves you very much, and he likely hopes he can motivate you, not realizing that you must do that for yourself. For now, I suggest that when he says things like that, simply walk away. Don't even let him finish. Don't react. Hopefully he'll get the point. Since you live with him, and have already tried to tell him these things are hurtful, I don't know what else you can do. FYI, when I was younger, my dad introduced me as "his fat daughter" (trust me, he had a lot more flaws than being rude). I stopped talking to him 2 years before he died, and I don't regret it. BUT, my dad was not a good dad ever, unlike yours. Try not to let this ruin your relationship. Good luck.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    I'd say it's partly because he's a doctor. Doctors tend to be a "different" sort of personality - like superior and smug sometimes. And sometimes their bedside manner sucks, quite frankly.

    I get that he's trying to be "helpful" (in his own mind, anyway) but comments like that aren't.

    It might help, when he makes one of these "helpful" comments, to just stare at him for like 60 seconds. Then firmly state that you have already discussed this. His comments are not welcome and not funny.
  • valente347
    valente347 Posts: 201 Member
    Well, your situation is complicated by the fact that you depend on him financially. You don't want to further hurt your relationship with him, and you already made your point clear to him. So when he brings it up again, just politely and calmly excuse yourself from the conversation. More than likely he will stop after a while. If he doesn't, you still don't have to stay and hear it.

    Many people say hurtful and destructive things out of genuine concern. You have to learn how to set up boundaries that allow you to maintain relationships with these people provided they aren't abusive. Hopefully practicing with your father will help you be direct and mature with other relationships in your life.
  • CorneliusPhoton
    CorneliusPhoton Posts: 965 Member
    He knows that saying these things hurt me and actually discourage me. I've asked him to stop but he insists that he's not doing anything wrong.

    I am having a hard time reconciling these 2 sentences. You need to keep telling him that it is hurtful, because it's obviously not sinking in. Tell him to either encourage you in a positive way or don't mention it at all. Don't end a family relationship over this.
  • NesCastanon
    NesCastanon Posts: 101 Member
    well, as a father, sometimes it is just tough love. It may not be the most effective way to communicate our feelings but believe me, there is love and concern behind those comments.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    well, as a father, sometimes it is just tough love. It may not be the most effective way to communicate our feelings but believe me, there is love and concern behind those comments.

    I was just thinking along these lines. Even though he is a doctor, he sucks at communicating, and just as OP needs to learn how to communicate her displeasure at his complete lack of tact, HE also needs to learn that you don't communicate "concern" through insults, as that is both insensitive and juvenile.
  • ldowdesw
    ldowdesw Posts: 222 Member
    His attitude sucks!! I had a gran who used to put me down at any given opportunity about my weight! I wouldn't dream of speaking to my children like that and if my dad or inlaws spoke to my kids in the style that my gran spoke to me, it would be war! You guys are all very forgiving but that degree of disrespect is disgusting. Family's can be over rated! As they say, ' you can choose your friends' !!
  • hamstertango
    hamstertango Posts: 129 Member
    OP having read all the replies I think the key question is, do YOU want to lose weight my dear? I am guessing you do as you are on this forum?

    Put your dad and his views aside, what do YOU want?
    If YOU want to lose weight you are in the right place, the support here is amazing, but you are in control of yourself and if you want to lose some you really can do it. If you are not ready then that's fine too.
    If you do want to lose, just enter you're goals, log as many normal days food as you like to see how you feel and if you're not ready that's fine, give it a go if you can, perhaps make a few changes to your diet and see what happens. Be brave and log whatever you eat (even if it's 'way over') and just see how you feel about it.
    That's how I started and it was the quickest learning experience ever! I don't see myself as on a diet, still eat pizza etc not as much as I would have liked but it tastes so much better now as I savour it.

    Do you feel if you lose then you're giving in to you're dads views? If that's the case then if you do lose I promise you'll find a new found self confidence and will be able to tell him that you lost for YOU and not him!

    Good luck my dear you'll be fine (smiley face: thumbs up)

  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,400 Member
    Let me get the facts straight. Your father is a doctor. Your mother is dead. You are going to the university--all paid for by your father. When you come home from the university he makes a comment saying you need to move more and this is insulting to you. I read your profile that says you've always been fat as a kid, and you hate it. Now you're 18. All correct? As a parent, I'll tell you what I think. First of all your father lost his wife and probably doesn't want to lose you too. He's trying to nuge you in the right direction, but you (literally) aren't budging. How about responding "Sure dad, I was getting tired of sitting--lets go for a long walk together". If you really want to change your life, as you say in your profile, then get to it. Stick close to your father, and build a relationship since it's only the two of you. Get smart before it's too late.
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    Hey guys, just to clear some things up here, I'm not 'playing the victim'. How would you feel if your only parent kept on and on every single day for the past 5 years about how much you need to change who you are and what you look like? I understand that he does mean well in what he's saying, but even though I've talked to him about it he still doesn't understand that what he's saying hurts. I don't know whether it's because he's a doctor so he's quite clinical in the way he tries to say things, but it doesn't make sense to me why he still has the same attitude to it when he knows that it hurts me and isn't helping in the slightest.
    You're 18. Why the hell are you still living with the old man? I mean that in all helpfulness, having observed that the ambitious young find success when they try and that the unambitious young neither try nor find.

    I still live with him because I can't afford to live on my own... I don't have a student loan to support me at university - my dad saved up from when I was young and used some of the inheritance that my mother left so that I could graduate debt-free. I'm studying quite a demanding degree that takes up 80% of my time so I can't find a job that would support the hours that I'm available. It's nothing to do with being unambitious as I believe that I am an extremely ambitious person. I also suffer from severe anxiety and get extremely upset at the prospect of cutting anyone out of my life, no matter how toxic they are.

    Your dad can't take care of everything. At some point you're going to need to learn to take care of yourself. I'm guessing that's what he's worried about. You're 18, he's still providing for you and giving you one of the biggest gifts a parent could give a child (a debt-free education). Pay him back by taking care of yourself and pushing yourself to succeed.
  • chrislee1628
    chrislee1628 Posts: 305 Member
    I'm sure he means well, but it is obviously effecting you psychologically and emotionally, if it were me, I'd just stop going home less and stay at uni more

    he is a doctor, I bet he wouldn't dare say something like that to one of his patients, why? because he knows it is not acceptable