Unhelpful comments

AugustHorizons
AugustHorizons Posts: 43 Member
in Motivation and Support
So I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember (I'm 18 now) and I've always had comments from people about my weight.
The main person to comment is my dad. He's constantly saying things like "do your knees hurt" and "you need to get up and move before you can't anymore". He knows that saying these things hurt me and actually discourage me. I've asked him to stop but he insists that he's not doing anything wrong.
If any of you guys have someone like this in your life how do you deal with it? Everytime I come back from uni I'm greeted with this and I don't know how to block it out anymore...
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Replies

  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 33,937 Member
    He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
  • stephanie20314
    stephanie20314 Posts: 81 Member
    Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    My wife called me fat about 8 years ago. I did something about it. It's hard for someone to watch a loved one slowly kill themselves.

    That assumes of course the "love" in "loved one" actually means something and your dad isn't a psycho. Just to be clear.
  • nichalsont
    nichalsont Posts: 421 Member
    As a parent, he is likely truly concerned with your health and well-being. He just isn't communicating it in a helpful manner. You may have to be direct with him and tell him how his comments hurt you (in a respectful way). It is hard to be that direct with a parent, but you are an adult now. You wouldn't let someone else get away with treating you this way, would you? Some people have to be hit over the head before they understand how much their words can hurt.
  • dashe111
    dashe111 Posts: 55 Member
    I agree that it's likely coming from a well meaning place, but his execution is lacking. Regardless of your age, he is your father and should respect him regardless of his hurtful words. All you can truly do is respectfully talk with him and express how it truly hurts your feelings, and give some examples of ways you would love for him to encourage you vs discourage you. The rest is on him. Whether he changes or not, that's got nothing to do with you. If he continues after speaking with him, removing yourself from the possibility of such interactions is about all you can do. I'm sorry you are having to go through this
  • auddii
    auddii Posts: 15,357 Member
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.

    Yes. Avoiding someone in a temper tantrum instead of speaking to someone about the issue is definitely the way to prove you are an adult.
  • rccsinger
    rccsinger Posts: 1,090 Member
    Ask him to encourage you in a positive way--offer to take a walk with you instead of telling you to move more. Look at healthy recipes with you or just cheer you on!!
  • stephanie20314
    stephanie20314 Posts: 81 Member
    auddii wrote: »
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.

    Yes. Avoiding someone in a temper tantrum instead of speaking to someone about the issue is definitely the way to prove you are an adult.

    Repeatedly going back for more emotional abuse when you've already told someone to stop their abusive behavior is. She shouldn't have to defend, explain, argue, or justify why her father's comments bother her. Asking him to stop, which she has done, should be enough.
  • LazSommer
    LazSommer Posts: 1,851 Member
    sunnybeaches105 wrote: »
    My wife called me fat about 8 years ago. I did something about it. It's hard for someone to watch a loved one slowly kill themselves.

    That assumes of course the "love" in "loved one" actually means something and your dad isn't a psycho. Just to be clear.

    Only comment necessary. Other than this one, to point out that it's necessary.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 33,937 Member
    edited April 2016
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    auddii wrote: »
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.

    Yes. Avoiding someone in a temper tantrum instead of speaking to someone about the issue is definitely the way to prove you are an adult.

    Repeatedly going back for more emotional abuse when you've already told someone to stop their abusive behavior is. She shouldn't have to defend, explain, argue, or justify why her father's comments bother her. Asking him to stop, which she has done, should be enough.

    There are degrees of acceptance here.

    Ending a relationship with one's family is a pretty serious step to take, and IMO should be a last resort. I think walking away and refusing to let it get to me would be a much better response. People don't always think about how their words hurt, and it might take a hundred repetitions of, "Hey, that stings - cut it out," before he gets it. He might not get it - but ending a relationship that is likely tied to other family members is a bit like cutting off one's nose to spite their face. "Emotional abuse"? Maybe - if it is a general pattern - but this incident doesn't sound that egregious.
    "do your knees hurt" and "you need to get up and move before you can't anymore".
    ...doesn't sound like abuse. It sounds like good advice.

    People everywhere are going to say things that are hurtful if I choose to take it that way. My way of dealing with that is to stand up for myself and if necessary walk away. Not cut out an entire group of people who are my support.
  • stephanie20314
    stephanie20314 Posts: 81 Member
    I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 33,937 Member
    edited April 2016
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.

    lol...kitten filter now comes with asterisks. Because that will make it understandable.

    (Stephanie, I'm poking MFP now, not you.)

  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    edited April 2016
    Gives kitten gifs a whole 'nuther meaning

    Kitten typos . . .
  • boricuacruz
    boricuacruz Posts: 2 Member
    He is just worried about your health like someone said, he doesn't know how to tell you in a nicer way. Just start little by little. Day by day. I am right trying to lose weight because is causing me problems with my knees. When I wake up in the morning or during day they hurt. So I lost already 5 pounds in two weeks and I am happy about it. Also, I trust in God that something better is coming for me health wise. I wish the best.
  • stephanie20314
    stephanie20314 Posts: 81 Member
    cmriverside wrote: »
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.

    lol...kitten filter now comes with asterisks. Because that will make it understandable.

    (Stephanie, I'm poking MFP now, not you.)

    I laughed too, no worries. The reason I say this particular situation is abuse is because she has asked him to stop and his response is that he isn't doing anything wrong. A normal person when asked to stop something that is upsetting someone will stop, apologize, and ask how to better support you. There are probably hundreds of incidents similar to this that have to do with a myriad of other things in her life and her relationship with this man. Hurting someone under the guise of "concern" is very much abusive and happens a lot in families with toxic dynamics, usually with a narcissistic parent. That's why I suggested therapy and a break, to discover if the problem lies with her or if she's the daughter of an *kitten* (lol) and better off with a distant relationship or no relationship.
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,464 Member
    I'm sorry this hurts you. He is right about keep moving before you can't move. Some of us have been there. Ask him to go on a walk with you or something. Why don't you both get Fitbits and compete steps with each other? He is concerned and probably doesn't know what else to say.
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    cmriverside wrote: »
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.

    lol...kitten filter now comes with asterisks. Because that will make it understandable.

    (Stephanie, I'm poking MFP now, not you.)

    I laughed too, no worries. The reason I say this particular situation is abuse is because she has asked him to stop and his response is that he isn't doing anything wrong. A normal person when asked to stop something that is upsetting someone will stop, apologize, and ask how to better support you. There are probably hundreds of incidents similar to this that have to do with a myriad of other things in her life and her relationship with this man. Hurting someone under the guise of "concern" is very much abusive and happens a lot in families with toxic dynamics, usually with a narcissistic parent. That's why I suggested therapy and a break, to discover if the problem lies with her or if she's the daughter of an *kitten* (lol) and better off with a distant relationship or no relationship.
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    cmriverside wrote: »
    stephanie20314 wrote: »
    I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.

    lol...kitten filter now comes with asterisks. Because that will make it understandable.

    (Stephanie, I'm poking MFP now, not you.)

    I laughed too, no worries. The reason I say this particular situation is abuse is because she has asked him to stop and his response is that he isn't doing anything wrong. A normal person when asked to stop something that is upsetting someone will stop, apologize, and ask how to better support you. There are probably hundreds of incidents similar to this that have to do with a myriad of other things in her life and her relationship with this man. Hurting someone under the guise of "concern" is very much abusive and happens a lot in families with toxic dynamics, usually with a narcissistic parent. That's why I suggested therapy and a break, to discover if the problem lies with her or if she's the daughter of an *kitten* (lol) and better off with a distant relationship or no relationship.

    Excuse the interjection here, but truly toxic parents aren't the norm. I say that having had a set all of my very own. The reality is most parents love their kids and are concerned, and it's not inappropriate to push someone who is actively destroying themselves to stop. Interventions aren't all fun and games. I don't know what's going on with OP. No one here can with what little information has been posted. I suggest a good dose of caution as a result, since we all have a tendency to project our own experiences. Again, I'm not saying the dad is in the right. I'm saying we don't know, which is the case in the vast majority of relationship threads on here. Let me also point out, and as you may well know, some people are incredibly adept at playing victim. Again, I don't know what's going on here.
  • LINIA
    LINIA Posts: 1,045 Member
    18 years old, what a wonderful time to commit to a lifetime of health and enjoying good, wholesome nutritious foods.

    I had a relative who used a lot of mayo on fried chicken sandwiches, she did other things and gained and gained, by 25 years old she was on insulin---- take control now and bury your Father's ugly words in your " fit & hot" new appearance. Show him!
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,182 Member
    You're 18. Why the hell are you still living with the old man? I mean that in all helpfulness, having observed that the ambitious young find success when they try and that the unambitious young neither try nor find.

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