Unhelpful comments
AugustHorizons
Posts: 43 Member
So I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember (I'm 18 now) and I've always had comments from people about my weight.
The main person to comment is my dad. He's constantly saying things like "do your knees hurt" and "you need to get up and move before you can't anymore". He knows that saying these things hurt me and actually discourage me. I've asked him to stop but he insists that he's not doing anything wrong.
If any of you guys have someone like this in your life how do you deal with it? Everytime I come back from uni I'm greeted with this and I don't know how to block it out anymore...
The main person to comment is my dad. He's constantly saying things like "do your knees hurt" and "you need to get up and move before you can't anymore". He knows that saying these things hurt me and actually discourage me. I've asked him to stop but he insists that he's not doing anything wrong.
If any of you guys have someone like this in your life how do you deal with it? Everytime I come back from uni I'm greeted with this and I don't know how to block it out anymore...
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Replies
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He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)0
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Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.0
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My wife called me fat about 8 years ago. I did something about it. It's hard for someone to watch a loved one slowly kill themselves.
That assumes of course the "love" in "loved one" actually means something and your dad isn't a psycho. Just to be clear.0 -
As a parent, he is likely truly concerned with your health and well-being. He just isn't communicating it in a helpful manner. You may have to be direct with him and tell him how his comments hurt you (in a respectful way). It is hard to be that direct with a parent, but you are an adult now. You wouldn't let someone else get away with treating you this way, would you? Some people have to be hit over the head before they understand how much their words can hurt.0
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I agree that it's likely coming from a well meaning place, but his execution is lacking. Regardless of your age, he is your father and should respect him regardless of his hurtful words. All you can truly do is respectfully talk with him and express how it truly hurts your feelings, and give some examples of ways you would love for him to encourage you vs discourage you. The rest is on him. Whether he changes or not, that's got nothing to do with you. If he continues after speaking with him, removing yourself from the possibility of such interactions is about all you can do. I'm sorry you are having to go through this0
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stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
Yes. Avoiding someone in a temper tantrum instead of speaking to someone about the issue is definitely the way to prove you are an adult.0 -
Ask him to encourage you in a positive way--offer to take a walk with you instead of telling you to move more. Look at healthy recipes with you or just cheer you on!!0
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stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
Yes. Avoiding someone in a temper tantrum instead of speaking to someone about the issue is definitely the way to prove you are an adult.
Repeatedly going back for more emotional abuse when you've already told someone to stop their abusive behavior is. She shouldn't have to defend, explain, argue, or justify why her father's comments bother her. Asking him to stop, which she has done, should be enough.0 -
sunnybeaches105 wrote: »My wife called me fat about 8 years ago. I did something about it. It's hard for someone to watch a loved one slowly kill themselves.
That assumes of course the "love" in "loved one" actually means something and your dad isn't a psycho. Just to be clear.
Only comment necessary. Other than this one, to point out that it's necessary.0 -
stephanie20314 wrote: »stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
Yes. Avoiding someone in a temper tantrum instead of speaking to someone about the issue is definitely the way to prove you are an adult.
Repeatedly going back for more emotional abuse when you've already told someone to stop their abusive behavior is. She shouldn't have to defend, explain, argue, or justify why her father's comments bother her. Asking him to stop, which she has done, should be enough.
There are degrees of acceptance here.
Ending a relationship with one's family is a pretty serious step to take, and IMO should be a last resort. I think walking away and refusing to let it get to me would be a much better response. People don't always think about how their words hurt, and it might take a hundred repetitions of, "Hey, that stings - cut it out," before he gets it. He might not get it - but ending a relationship that is likely tied to other family members is a bit like cutting off one's nose to spite their face. "Emotional abuse"? Maybe - if it is a general pattern - but this incident doesn't sound that egregious.
...doesn't sound like abuse. It sounds like good advice."do your knees hurt" and "you need to get up and move before you can't anymore".
People everywhere are going to say things that are hurtful if I choose to take it that way. My way of dealing with that is to stand up for myself and if necessary walk away. Not cut out an entire group of people who are my support.0 -
I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.0
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stephanie20314 wrote: »I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.
lol...kitten filter now comes with asterisks. Because that will make it understandable.
(Stephanie, I'm poking MFP now, not you.)
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Gives kitten gifs a whole 'nuther meaning
Kitten typos . . .0 -
He is just worried about your health like someone said, he doesn't know how to tell you in a nicer way. Just start little by little. Day by day. I am right trying to lose weight because is causing me problems with my knees. When I wake up in the morning or during day they hurt. So I lost already 5 pounds in two weeks and I am happy about it. Also, I trust in God that something better is coming for me health wise. I wish the best.0
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cmriverside wrote: »stephanie20314 wrote: »I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.
lol...kitten filter now comes with asterisks. Because that will make it understandable.
(Stephanie, I'm poking MFP now, not you.)
I laughed too, no worries. The reason I say this particular situation is abuse is because she has asked him to stop and his response is that he isn't doing anything wrong. A normal person when asked to stop something that is upsetting someone will stop, apologize, and ask how to better support you. There are probably hundreds of incidents similar to this that have to do with a myriad of other things in her life and her relationship with this man. Hurting someone under the guise of "concern" is very much abusive and happens a lot in families with toxic dynamics, usually with a narcissistic parent. That's why I suggested therapy and a break, to discover if the problem lies with her or if she's the daughter of an *kitten* (lol) and better off with a distant relationship or no relationship.0 -
I'm sorry this hurts you. He is right about keep moving before you can't move. Some of us have been there. Ask him to go on a walk with you or something. Why don't you both get Fitbits and compete steps with each other? He is concerned and probably doesn't know what else to say.0
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stephanie20314 wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »stephanie20314 wrote: »I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.
lol...kitten filter now comes with asterisks. Because that will make it understandable.
(Stephanie, I'm poking MFP now, not you.)
I laughed too, no worries. The reason I say this particular situation is abuse is because she has asked him to stop and his response is that he isn't doing anything wrong. A normal person when asked to stop something that is upsetting someone will stop, apologize, and ask how to better support you. There are probably hundreds of incidents similar to this that have to do with a myriad of other things in her life and her relationship with this man. Hurting someone under the guise of "concern" is very much abusive and happens a lot in families with toxic dynamics, usually with a narcissistic parent. That's why I suggested therapy and a break, to discover if the problem lies with her or if she's the daughter of an *kitten* (lol) and better off with a distant relationship or no relationship.stephanie20314 wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »stephanie20314 wrote: »I didn't say end the relationship. I said take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship when that relationship is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself. She has told him to stop. He won't, so taking a step back from him while she works on herself is completely acceptable. And I would suggest looking into some therapy as another tool for self-help since her father's comments so easily trigger her. Not everyone has a nice, supportive family to lose, sometimes you're just ditching *kitten* who bring you down and happen to share a blood relation.
lol...kitten filter now comes with asterisks. Because that will make it understandable.
(Stephanie, I'm poking MFP now, not you.)
I laughed too, no worries. The reason I say this particular situation is abuse is because she has asked him to stop and his response is that he isn't doing anything wrong. A normal person when asked to stop something that is upsetting someone will stop, apologize, and ask how to better support you. There are probably hundreds of incidents similar to this that have to do with a myriad of other things in her life and her relationship with this man. Hurting someone under the guise of "concern" is very much abusive and happens a lot in families with toxic dynamics, usually with a narcissistic parent. That's why I suggested therapy and a break, to discover if the problem lies with her or if she's the daughter of an *kitten* (lol) and better off with a distant relationship or no relationship.
Excuse the interjection here, but truly toxic parents aren't the norm. I say that having had a set all of my very own. The reality is most parents love their kids and are concerned, and it's not inappropriate to push someone who is actively destroying themselves to stop. Interventions aren't all fun and games. I don't know what's going on with OP. No one here can with what little information has been posted. I suggest a good dose of caution as a result, since we all have a tendency to project our own experiences. Again, I'm not saying the dad is in the right. I'm saying we don't know, which is the case in the vast majority of relationship threads on here. Let me also point out, and as you may well know, some people are incredibly adept at playing victim. Again, I don't know what's going on here.0 -
18 years old, what a wonderful time to commit to a lifetime of health and enjoying good, wholesome nutritious foods.
I had a relative who used a lot of mayo on fried chicken sandwiches, she did other things and gained and gained, by 25 years old she was on insulin---- take control now and bury your Father's ugly words in your " fit & hot" new appearance. Show him!
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You're 18. Why the hell are you still living with the old man? I mean that in all helpfulness, having observed that the ambitious young find success when they try and that the unambitious young neither try nor find.0
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cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."0 -
CassidyScaglione wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
Well, that's sexist.0 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »CassidyScaglione wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
Well, that's sexist.
Triggered.0 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »CassidyScaglione wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
Well, that's sexist.
lol. If you are going to try and convince me that men are GOOD at understanding women.... I live with one, so it won't work.0 -
CassidyScaglione wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »CassidyScaglione wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
Well, that's sexist.
lol. If you are going to try and convince me that men are GOOD at understanding women.... I live with one, so it won't work.
Nods.
This is why lesbians never have communication or relationship problems.0 -
CassidyScaglione wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »CassidyScaglione wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
Well, that's sexist.
lol. If you are going to try and convince me that men are GOOD at understanding women.... I live with one, so it won't work.
Nods.
This is why lesbians never have communication or relationship problems.
10/10 when is the move in date?0 -
Hey guys, just to clear some things up here, I'm not 'playing the victim'. How would you feel if your only parent kept on and on every single day for the past 5 years about how much you need to change who you are and what you look like? I understand that he does mean well in what he's saying, but even though I've talked to him about it he still doesn't understand that what he's saying hurts. I don't know whether it's because he's a doctor so he's quite clinical in the way he tries to say things, but it doesn't make sense to me why he still has the same attitude to it when he knows that it hurts me and isn't helping in the slightest.JeromeBarry1 wrote: »You're 18. Why the hell are you still living with the old man? I mean that in all helpfulness, having observed that the ambitious young find success when they try and that the unambitious young neither try nor find.
I still live with him because I can't afford to live on my own... I don't have a student loan to support me at university - my dad saved up from when I was young and used some of the inheritance that my mother left so that I could graduate debt-free. I'm studying quite a demanding degree that takes up 80% of my time so I can't find a job that would support the hours that I'm available. It's nothing to do with being unambitious as I believe that I am an extremely ambitious person. I also suffer from severe anxiety and get extremely upset at the prospect of cutting anyone out of my life, no matter how toxic they are.0 -
sparklydragons wrote: »Hey guys, just to clear some things up here, I'm not 'playing the victim'. How would you feel if your only parent kept on and on every single day for the past 5 years about how much you need to change who you are and what you look like? I understand that he does mean well in what he's saying, but even though I've talked to him about it he still doesn't understand that what he's saying hurts. I don't know whether it's because he's a doctor so he's quite clinical in the way he tries to say things, but it doesn't make sense to me why he still has the same attitude to it when he knows that it hurts me and isn't helping in the slightest.JeromeBarry1 wrote: »You're 18. Why the hell are you still living with the old man? I mean that in all helpfulness, having observed that the ambitious young find success when they try and that the unambitious young neither try nor find.
I still live with him because I can't afford to live on my own... I don't have a student loan to support me at university - my dad saved up from when I was young and used some of the inheritance that my mother left so that I could graduate debt-free. I'm studying quite a demanding degree that takes up 80% of my time so I can't find a job that would support the hours that I'm available. It's nothing to do with being unambitious as I believe that I am an extremely ambitious person. I also suffer from severe anxiety and get extremely upset at the prospect of cutting anyone out of my life, no matter how toxic they are.
Oh, so he wants you to succeed.0 -
CassidyScaglione wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »CassidyScaglione wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
Well, that's sexist.
lol. If you are going to try and convince me that men are GOOD at understanding women.... I live with one, so it won't work.
Sorry about your faulty n=1 extrapolation...
...but I guess women have always been bad about making leaps like this.
*shrug*0 -
Speaking as a person who is overweight, and now has a 22 yr old that is overweight, it can be very very hard to watch someone you love SO MUCH become so unhealthy. It's hard to know if I should say anything, or nothing. So far, I've lost over 60 lbs myself, and I'm simply hoping that he sees my results and embraces change in his life. I've offered copies of workout programs, and said only that as someone who is nearing 50 and dealing with arthritis and daily pain, I recommend moving while you can.
By the sounds of it, your dad loves you very much, and he likely hopes he can motivate you, not realizing that you must do that for yourself. For now, I suggest that when he says things like that, simply walk away. Don't even let him finish. Don't react. Hopefully he'll get the point. Since you live with him, and have already tried to tell him these things are hurtful, I don't know what else you can do. FYI, when I was younger, my dad introduced me as "his fat daughter" (trust me, he had a lot more flaws than being rude). I stopped talking to him 2 years before he died, and I don't regret it. BUT, my dad was not a good dad ever, unlike yours. Try not to let this ruin your relationship. Good luck.0
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