Unhelpful comments
Replies
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(Never mind. This is probably against the CG (all hail!).)0
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snowflake954 wrote: »Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.
For five years? Since she was 13? Incessantly, since that always works? Maybe his heart is in the right place but I suspect he may be going about it the wrong way. Raising a girl, I would think you would create an environment for her to eat well and get some fun or challenging activity (the kind that builds character, etc), not keep making comments and draw self consciousness to her appearance. But I'm honestly just guessing, here. Not a parent
I'll tell you a secret Janei---18 yr olds exaggerate (alot), especially if they want you to agree with them. How can her father be saying hurtful things "incessantly" everyday, if she's away at the university and is just home on vacation? Does he call her on the phone and say "Hey, get up and move your***"? I don't think so. I remember when I was 18 and went to school in hot pants (short shorts). My dad hated it, and when I ran off to catch the bus he would tell me that my thighs would get huge because it was cold and my legs would grow to compensate. I was hurt and insulted--I thought I looked great, but was insecure at the same time, so any comment rocked my confidence. So at that age I thought he was just awful, too strict, etc. I was a typical teenager. I have 3 sons in their 20's. I was strict with them and they told me how awful I was. My jaw dropped recently when they were commenting among themselves about someone in the family screwing up their life. They were saying "Well what do you expect, they grew up doing whatever they wanted-- with no discipline".0 -
Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are
So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???
I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....
And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
that's a very adult way to deal with the matter!
People need to read entire threads before they comment. I didn't say cut the man off forever, I said to stop going home for a while. It's always okay to take a break from a relationship to work on yourself. Op has said she suffers from depression and anxiety. I also suggested she get some therapy to figure out why she is so triggered by him. She's asked the man to stop commenting on her weight and he gets defensive and continues. At that point it becomes abusive. And no, I would never continue to say things to my adult child that upsets him then defend saying those things. I'd apologize like a normal person and not do it again. I would completely expect for my son to avoid me if I continuously said things to upset him. If you think that it's okay to do that to someone because you're an "annoying parent" then I suggest you also seek some therapy.
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So you live in his home? And he pays for your college? And he says things to you as a physician that he knows to be clinically true? And you have a problem with this? Why don't you use this time to start a healthier lifestyle instead?
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snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.
For five years? Since she was 13? Incessantly, since that always works? Maybe his heart is in the right place but I suspect he may be going about it the wrong way. Raising a girl, I would think you would create an environment for her to eat well and get some fun or challenging activity (the kind that builds character, etc), not keep making comments and draw self consciousness to her appearance. But I'm honestly just guessing, here. Not a parent
I'll tell you a secret Janei---18 yr olds exaggerate (alot), especially if they want you to agree with them. How can her father be saying hurtful things "incessantly" everyday, if she's away at the university and is just home on vacation? Does he call her on the phone and say "Hey, get up and move your***"? I don't think so. I remember when I was 18 and went to school in hot pants (short shorts). My dad hated it, and when I ran off to catch the bus he would tell me that my thighs would get huge because it was cold and my legs would grow to compensate. I was hurt and insulted--I thought I looked great, but was insecure at the same time, so any comment rocked my confidence. So at that age I thought he was just awful, too strict, etc. I was a typical teenager. I have 3 sons in their 20's. I was strict with them and they told me how awful I was. My jaw dropped recently when they were commenting among themselves about someone in the family screwing up their life. They were saying "Well what do you expect, they grew up doing whatever they wanted-- with no discipline".
Yes. My mother and I don't get along, and she drives me insane. I also hear her comments differently than what she actually says based on this (bringing a fiance home helps with this because he'll be like "she didn't actually say that".
For example, my wedding is coming up, and I've been stress eating and am up 10lbs. She told me that I should probably lose the 10lbs I gained so that the dress fits better (it fit perfectly when I bought it). I heard "you're fat".
I think several of the comments the OP complained of don't sound bad at all, but what the OP "hears" may be different than what the dad is saying.
I would imagine there are overarching issues that need to be addressed whether professional counseling is needed or not, but I'm guessing it could help.0 -
@astrampe pardon?0
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OP, I am sorry you lost your mom so young. That is tough for anyone.
It can be hard for family members to figure out how to effectively communicate with one another. It's common in many families. Despite trying, I know I say things to my 18 year old daughter that I wish I had left unsaid or said it differently. I know she wishes it too!
What sticks out to me is that you said you have struggled with your weight for a long time. You didn't say whether you wanted to do anything about it. It may be that you don't want to at this time. In my opinion, you have to be ready to eat at a deficit. It could be you are overwhelmed by the thought and not sure how to go about it.
Here's my two cents...
If you don't want to lose weight, ignore your dad's comments. They are hurtful. He's worried and doesn't know how to communicate it differently. I doubt he's going to change.
If you do want to lose weight, I would put your stats in MFP and log every single thing you eat. Make choices based on the calorie count. It can be difficult being at school. My daughter is going through it now. Every time she turns around there's extra eating opportunities.
If you log all you consume, you'll start to see foods (calories) that can be cut easily. You'll also find low calorie foods that are filling for you. Logging and better choices isn't very drastic. Once you see a little success, it might be easier to cut calories more and you will lose more. Maybe think about buying a Fitbit Zip to keep track of walking. You'd be surprised at the benefits you'll feel by walking more. It really doesn't require much effort.
I wish you the best. 18, going to university, can be a great time!
Sorry for tldr but as a mom I want to reach through the screen and fix all of this for you. But as I well know through my struggles, you are the only one that can do it.0 -
I think some family counseling is in order. I missed some of the issues my first time through. You are probably both still hurting inside. A good family therapist could help you unravel this skein of hopes, fears, hurts, losses and triggers.0
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So you live in his home? And he pays for your college? And he says things to you as a physician that he knows to be clinically true? And you have a problem with this? Why don't you use this time to start a healthier lifestyle instead?
Daaaaaaaang!
I certainly agree that if you know you have a problem and your father (the doctor) knows then maybe it's time to take a self examination. You're 18? Your body is in it's prime for pretty much everything so exercising and being fit won't be nearly as hard as if you wait till you're almost 40 and have a lifetime of bad habits created. I personally have a daughter who is overweight and I've tried to set an example by getting fit and eating healthy, yadda yadda yadda. I most likely won't resort to verbally making comments about her size but I do let her know that I am here to help her and will answer any questions she has. It's frustrating so just know your dad is coming at you from a very frustrated place.
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I'd like to hear dad's story before offering an opinion.
One of the things I've learned as I've aged is that issues between two people have different points of view. I'd like to be objective and hear both so that I can offer fair advice.
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snowflake954 wrote: »Let me get the facts straight. Your father is a doctor. Your mother is dead. You are going to the university--all paid for by your father. When you come home from the university he makes a comment saying you need to move more and this is insulting to you. I read your profile that says you've always been fat as a kid, and you hate it. Now you're 18. All correct? As a parent, I'll tell you what I think. First of all your father lost his wife and probably doesn't want to lose you too. He's trying to nuge you in the right direction, but you (literally) aren't budging. How about responding "Sure dad, I was getting tired of sitting--lets go for a long walk together". If you really want to change your life, as you say in your profile, then get to it. Stick close to your father, and build a relationship since it's only the two of you. Get smart before it's too late.
Exactly my thoughts, especially if it's accurate that mother apparently passed away at a young age.
Others have asked what it is you want, OP? Could maybe the mental & emotional energy being spent on this relatively small issue with your dad be redirected in a way that is beneficial to you? Do you know how to get started on a journey to healthy living? Do you want to? Then maybe reach out to others for help with that.
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snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.
For five years? Since she was 13? Incessantly, since that always works? Maybe his heart is in the right place but I suspect he may be going about it the wrong way. Raising a girl, I would think you would create an environment for her to eat well and get some fun or challenging activity (the kind that builds character, etc), not keep making comments and draw self consciousness to her appearance. But I'm honestly just guessing, here. Not a parent
I'll tell you a secret Janei---18 yr olds exaggerate (alot), especially if they want you to agree with them. How can her father be saying hurtful things "incessantly" everyday, if she's away at the university and is just home on vacation? Does he call her on the phone and say "Hey, get up and move your***"? I don't think so. I remember when I was 18 and went to school in hot pants (short shorts). My dad hated it, and when I ran off to catch the bus he would tell me that my thighs would get huge because it was cold and my legs would grow to compensate. I was hurt and insulted--I thought I looked great, but was insecure at the same time, so any comment rocked my confidence. So at that age I thought he was just awful, too strict, etc. I was a typical teenager. I have 3 sons in their 20's. I was strict with them and they told me how awful I was. My jaw dropped recently when they were commenting among themselves about someone in the family screwing up their life. They were saying "Well what do you expect, they grew up doing whatever they wanted-- with no discipline".
I'll read more closely later and respond fully. The statements are consistent (I can't say true, false, overstated or not) because she's 18. Prior to that, she would have lived with him for years and did mention he started on this years ago. At that point she likely wouldn't have been a visitor - which even now may be assuming she doesn't go to school from home. Sometimes when you've created an environment that's finally free of this stuff, it can hit you harder when you suddenly have to deal with it again.
So let me ask you a question. If a parent mostly does right by their kid, are you of the opinion they can do no wrong?0 -
Yeah you need to approach him as an adult not as his child0
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That's 'dad speak' for saying get off your duff and lose some weight before it gets out of hand. We resent it more when we know that our parent is right that we should be doing something about our oerweight and inactivity.
That said ... respectfully and unemotionally as possible ... reherse your wording in advance ... tell dad that his comments hurt your feelings and make you feel disrespected. Don't get into an argument over it, don't get all defensive and lash out at him. Just lay out how you feel and what you would prefer he said instead. The point is you want him to stop talking to you like you are a kid, in a sarcastic tone of voice or phrasing ... Maybe try something like this the next time he says those things ... "Yeah, I know dad, that I should lose weight and I'm working on it ... what can you do to help me that won't leave me with hurt feelings?"0 -
I have not read all the comments, but giving your dad the benefit of the doubt, he is saying these things not because he wants you to feel bad, but because he cares. He does not know how to motivate you, and this is what he thinks will.
Since you are here, I am assuming you are here to lose weight. So at some level you already have some personal motivation to do so. In light of that let me make some suggestions:
1) Set up your goal here to start at a less aggressive level, say 1 pound per week. I know this will take time, but part of this is establishing new habits in terms of calorie consumption. Rather than face the challenge of an aggressive calorie cut, do one that is more moderate and gives you time to adjust and learn. Unlike me you don't have 40+ years of excessive calorie consumption habits to undo, but time to learn and change is a good thing. Fast is not always better.
2) Get yourself a digital kitchen scale and use it to do the best job logging the food you eat that you can. The more accurate you are in terms of the calories you eat, the more consistent your weight loss will be in the long run.
3) Try to explain to your dad what you are doing, and figure out ways he can help and encourage you in it. Do your best to explain what would be positive encouragement to you rather than pointing out how what he is doing is negative.
I hope this helps.0 -
Ok, so you are overweight and you are not happy being over weight, So your dad, the Dr, asks you if your knees hurt and tell you that you need to more more. Sounds like he is trying to help you in your goal to lose weight. Not to change you as you put it. BTW I would fully expect any Dr. to suggest a workout program and to lighten their diet to their patients overweight for health reasons.
As for people saying he is verbally abusing you (from what you told us he says to you). That is not verbal abuse.
What do you do when you get home from the university? Sit on your butt on the couch or on the computer. Then yes you do need to move more.0 -
The reality is: there will ALWAYS be someone who is unhelpful, discouraging, etc (in my journey, I have found that those closest to me can be the most discouraging)...we just have to use it as fuel to continue to grind. It's all about mental toughness and commitment to taking care of YOU!!! No one else can or will.0
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I think your dad cares about you. There are much nastier things that people can say. He just wants you to be healthy.
P.S. You're only 18. There's nothing wrong with living with your dad. Now is a great time to take care of your body.0 -
OP, have you tried telling him what you are doing to lose weight? He may complain you're doing it wrong, but if you're doing something, it's easier to ignore the comments. I doubt he really means to hurt you and probably doesn't understand how what he's saying is hurtful. If nothing else, smile, nod, and keep doing your thing. That's a lesson I had to learn a long time ago. My dad's a retired Navy chief, so any advice he gives comes off as a command. He doesn't mean it that way, he is simply trying to give helpful advice, but many many years of being an officer kinda carries over into civilian life! I suspect it's the same with your dad. He's a doctor, so he probably sees many people that need to lose weight, and that may be how he talks to them. Doesn't work for everyone, but that approach does work for some people. It just doesn't for you, and he may not realize that. Even after telling him!
There's a lot of things you can do, but my advice would be to have an honest conversation with him. Not just 'please don't say that, it's hurtful' but sit down with him and explain why it's hurtful to you. Tell him how that kind of 'encouraging' just makes you feel worse and de-motivates you. That you understand he's trying to help and let him know that you love him and appreciate the help, but it would help you more if he cut out the negative comments. Share your plan for losing weight with him and ask for his advice or suggestions. You don't have to do what he suggests, but asking for it shows that you do listen to him and appreciate his help.0 -
sparklydragons wrote: »So I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember (I'm 18 now) and I've always had comments from people about my weight.
The main person to comment is my dad. He's constantly saying things like "do your knees hurt" and "you need to get up and move before you can't anymore". He knows that saying these things hurt me and actually discourage me. I've asked him to stop but he insists that he's not doing anything wrong.
If any of you guys have someone like this in your life how do you deal with it? Everytime I come back from uni I'm greeted with this and I don't know how to block it out anymore...
Sorry, that is terrible. I personally would hate that! Maybe it would help to think that this is temporary... like at some point you will not live at home with him. I would definitely (respectfully) simply tell him to stop making comments. Even if he doesn't respect your request, you've made that known to him plainly. He can't really control you, and you can't really control him. But circumstances WILL change, you will not always live with him.
That kind of treatment would make me grieve, and I have developed a response to grief.....I make good changes. If something really makes me unhappy, I change for the better. I don't know if this makes sense to you, but I guess I'm telling you my own survival technique, and I really mean it when I say it.0 -
stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
Exactly. I had to do the same thing with my mother.0 -
sunnybeaches105 wrote: »My wife called me fat about 8 years ago. I did something about it. It's hard for someone to watch a loved one slowly kill themselves.
That assumes of course the "love" in "loved one" actually means something and your dad isn't a psycho. Just to be clear.
I agree with this.
Some people just don't know how to encourage you to try to lose weight. I'm sure your dad doesn't mean it the way it sounds. I was the thin one in my family growing up and my sisters struggled with weight and my dad used to say all the women in my mom's side of the family had the (enter her last name) "spread" meaning they were all wide and big.
I never knew how it felt to hear such a thing until I got overweight. Not a nice thing but he knew no other way to say it I guess. 0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.
For five years? Since she was 13? Incessantly, since that always works? Maybe his heart is in the right place but I suspect he may be going about it the wrong way. Raising a girl, I would think you would create an environment for her to eat well and get some fun or challenging activity (the kind that builds character, etc), not keep making comments and draw self consciousness to her appearance. But I'm honestly just guessing, here. Not a parent
I'll tell you a secret Janei---18 yr olds exaggerate (alot), especially if they want you to agree with them. How can her father be saying hurtful things "incessantly" everyday, if she's away at the university and is just home on vacation? Does he call her on the phone and say "Hey, get up and move your***"? I don't think so. I remember when I was 18 and went to school in hot pants (short shorts). My dad hated it, and when I ran off to catch the bus he would tell me that my thighs would get huge because it was cold and my legs would grow to compensate. I was hurt and insulted--I thought I looked great, but was insecure at the same time, so any comment rocked my confidence. So at that age I thought he was just awful, too strict, etc. I was a typical teenager. I have 3 sons in their 20's. I was strict with them and they told me how awful I was. My jaw dropped recently when they were commenting among themselves about someone in the family screwing up their life. They were saying "Well what do you expect, they grew up doing whatever they wanted-- with no discipline".
I'll read more closely later and respond fully. The statements are consistent (I can't say true, false, overstated or not) because she's 18. Prior to that, she would have lived with him for years and did mention he started on this years ago. At that point she likely wouldn't have been a visitor - which even now may be assuming she doesn't go to school from home. Sometimes when you've created an environment that's finally free of this stuff, it can hit you harder when you suddenly have to deal with it again.
So let me ask you a question. If a parent mostly does right by their kid, are you of the opinion they can do no wrong?
I think a parent can only do their best and are bound to make mistakes--you just hope they're not serious ones. I think a parent is not there to be a "friend" to their child, you are the parent, make the rules and watch to see that they are followed. As a parent you love your children and show them and tell them that as best you can. If you screw up as a parent, you say "I'm sorry, I made a mistake", so your children learn that no one is perfect, and how to remedy that. I think every parent should take dog, or other animal training courses---it's the same basic principal.0 -
Perhaps your father missed the classes on bedside manner in med school. Do this for no one but yourself, if that is what you truly want. You are a valuable person, your weight is a part of who your are, there is so much more. Stand up for yourself and let your father know how much this is hurting you.
As a person that was exposed to an unthinking parents comments, I can relate to how much it can hurt. I have lived for a long time and it still hurts 45 years later.
Seriously people, this can be devastating and psychologically damaging to your children. So many say, treat people the way you want to be treated, that goes for your children as well. There are ways to help your children with out demeaning them.0 -
would you say to your child after failing their exams that they are thick/stupid and need to study more/harder? after all that statement is true so it is fine yes? after all if they were clever they would not have failed their exams
it isn't what they say, it is how they are saying it
it can and probably will affect them psychologically for the rest of their life, especially females, and could potentially be fatal0 -
stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
Adults take care of themselves. Perhaps this respect needs to be earned through action.0 -
stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are
So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???
I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....
And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
that's a very adult way to deal with the matter!
People need to read entire threads before they comment. I didn't say cut the man off forever, I said to stop going home for a while. It's always okay to take a break from a relationship to work on yourself. Op has said she suffers from depression and anxiety. I also suggested she get some therapy to figure out why she is so triggered by him. She's asked the man to stop commenting on her weight and he gets defensive and continues. At that point it becomes abusive. And no, I would never continue to say things to my adult child that upsets him then defend saying those things. I'd apologize like a normal person and not do it again. I would completely expect for my son to avoid me if I continuously said things to upset him. If you think that it's okay to do that to someone because you're an "annoying parent" then I suggest you also seek some therapy.
"The man" is her dad....her father, the guy who did his utmost to keep his little girl healthy and happy... Without instructions, a textbook, a YouTube video on "how to be the perfect parent"..... Sorry, but an 18 year old still trying to blame her weight problem on someone else, is clearly not an adult ....Manipulating your loved ones to get your own way might be the preferred way for the "me generation" to deal with their problems, but it is nothing but mean and loathsome.... And above all, weak..... Good luck with your son..... And good luck growing up eventually!0 -
One thing I understood as a obese woman, most people in our society think that it is okay to hurt people when they are obese. As its all for their own good. You have to be steady in your goal and show all the negative minded people what you really are. You have to ignore most people in your life. This is sad but truth.0
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sparklydragons wrote: »So I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember (I'm 18 now) and I've always had comments from people about my weight.
The main person to comment is my dad. He's constantly saying things like "do your knees hurt" and "you need to get up and move before you can't anymore". He knows that saying these things hurt me and actually discourage me. I've asked him to stop but he insists that he's not doing anything wrong.
If any of you guys have someone like this in your life how do you deal with it? Everytime I come back from uni I'm greeted with this and I don't know how to block it out anymore...
On the discouragement side, I'd talk to him and tell him how he can encourage you. If he's a doctor, maybe he can help you come up with an action plan to lose weight.
On the hurting side - the truth hurts sometimes, and sometimes a painful truth is better for us to hear than an easy lie, or worse, the silence of everyone ignoring the elephant in the room. I think there are far too few people in the world willing to speak the painful truths.0 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »CassidyScaglione wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
Well, that's sexist.
And incorrect. Excusing bad behavior because he's a "dude" sets women up for lifetimes of trouble. Men can be civilized, even older men but no one changes unless they want to no matter what we do.
OP, I had some toxic family relationships in my past (not my parents Blessed Be.) It's hard to, as one poster put it, take a break from the relationship, but I noticed that once I did I was able to deal with the issues leading to my eating disorder/weight control. In my case it lead to ending the relationship entirely, but once you've dealt with your issues you can pick up where you left off and be stronger for the time away.0
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