Unhelpful comments

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Replies

  • chrislee1628
    chrislee1628 Posts: 304 Member
    he is providing for her, debt free education etc yes, but what he is saying is effecting her psychologically and emotionally, I'm not saying what he is saying is wrong, it is the way he is saying it

    what would you do if you were saying stuff like that in that way to your daughter, and she ended up being psychologically effected for the rest of her life, or even took her own life?

    he needs to realise how what he is saying in the way he is saying it is effecting her now before it is too late and he regrets it for the rest of his life

    you might say yeah yeah whatever, but how many teenage girls become anorexic or take their own lives because they are emotionally/psycologically scarred
  • astrampe
    astrampe Posts: 2,208 Member
    edited April 2016
    Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are

    So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???

    I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....

    And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,426 Member
    edited April 2016
    astrampe wrote: »
    Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are

    So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???

    I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....

    And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??

    Pillage and burn/scorched earth/JBU is popular advice on MFP.
  • NaturalNancy
    NaturalNancy Posts: 1,099 Member
    You're 18 years old, very young, dealing with anxiety and going to school, that in itself is a stressful time.
    You have told him that his comments are hurtful but he continues with it. I think he's being rude and insensitive.
    That's not a way to greet your daughter when she comes home from school, to make comments about her appearance and weight, how about something like "hi it's great to see you!".
    I'm sorry that you're going through this.
    Keep your head up and if he doesn't stop, then ignore him or ask him to HELP you with all of his expertise as a Dr.
    Can he recommend a nutritionist or personal trainer or a therapist to help you on the journey?

    Also, you don't need to explain your living situation to anyone.

  • astrampe
    astrampe Posts: 2,208 Member
    You're 18 years old, very young, dealing with anxiety and going to school, that in itself is a stressful time.
    You have told him that his comments are hurtful but he continues with it. I think he's being rude and insensitive.
    That's not a way to greet your daughter when she comes home from school, to make comments about her appearance and weight, how about something like "hi it's great to see you!".
    I'm sorry that you're going through this.
    Keep your head up and if he doesn't stop, then ignore him or ask him to HELP you with all of his expertise as a Dr.
    Can he recommend a nutritionist or personal trainer or a therapist to help you on the journey?

    Also, you don't need to explain your living situation to anyone.
    Wow....It sounds like you were there! Stop judging Nancy dear...Are you a parent? Of anyone older than three I mean.....So much wisdom in one person.....
  • rhye
    rhye Posts: 104 Member
    My dad does this as well. He brags about how fit he is and how he has a personal trainer and then calls me fat and tells me to move more. Except that I have a personal trainer as well and I exercise quite a lot so I finally got tired of it and challenged him to a day at the gym-- weightlifting followed by a run. I really thought he was going to have a heart attack :( But since then he hasn't said a single word. I think he thought I was lying about my workout routines. So what you should do is get healthy. Not lose weight necessarily, but get moving, on the sly, without him knowing, and then one day take him up on the idea and say "yeah, let's go for a run" and show him up and he'll shut up lol.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 7,487 Member
    Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.
  • SarahsFitMess
    SarahsFitMess Posts: 261 Member
    Comments like that can seem benign but can hurt, especially if any of it rings true to you.

    It's funny that I ran into this today because I had my usual weight loss conversation with my grandmother. She means well but ends up criticizing me about my weight and tells me about all the health problems in my family and how I need to do something about it now. Her words aren't necessarily mean but they're not helpful and often hurt. But I realize now why they hurt.... I agree with some of them. Hearing someone tell you about something you see as less than ideal is difficult and uncomfortable. You know the health risks you know there can be joint pain you know that you want a change but having someone else constantly remind you can be annoying to a hurtful degree. This might not be the case for you but it wouldn't hurt to try to understand why his words hurt so much.

    I agree that a daily reminder is excessive and am sorry for that. Other than sitting him down and talking to him about the comments you can try redirecting the conversations. It may not work but you can tell him you'd rather him ask about your day/classes. How jumping into questions about your health feels like he's not being interested in you. It can encourage a more personable conversation rather than a clinical one.

    No matter what you choose to do I hope you find better encouragement and some sort of peace with your father. Last thing you want is to have something like this fester in a relationship.
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,556 Member
    Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.

    For five years? Since she was 13? Incessantly, since that always works? Maybe his heart is in the right place but I suspect he may be going about it the wrong way. Raising a girl, I would think you would create an environment for her to eat well and get some fun or challenging activity (the kind that builds character, etc), not keep making comments and draw self consciousness to her appearance. But I'm honestly just guessing, here. Not a parent
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,556 Member
    OP, I would tell him once, firmly but politely, that this topic is no longer up for discussion. If you want you can share your own goals and how you're working on accomplishing them. Then just ignore the unhelpful comments or jokingly change the subject from then on. Or you could joke or brush it off if you're feeling up to it - like "Sure Dad. Of course, it wouldn't be a visit if you didn't harp on that for a minute... haha".

    And if the advice above was not conflicting enough, I would then proceed to shamelessly ask for gifts that support your health/fitness journey, since he seems to be interested, somewhat

    What are his own health and fitness habits, just to help us understand him more?
  • lukkiecharm
    lukkiecharm Posts: 13 Member
    Dear Dragons,
    If you are doing something to improve your health an life this can sometimes feel like a threat to other who do not feel good about themselves. What happens when you do get healthy? Won't he be the same old guy? He needs to validate your feelings whether he agrees or not. They are your feelings. Unfortunately, you cannot change another. Best thing to do is avoid a toxic personality as much as you can. You're now 18 and soon to be out into the world where you can generally, not always, choose to be with you want. Choose positive relationships. If your father has always been this way, be careful who you choose for friends. Sometimes we tend to choose same types. In the mean time tell him how you feel if you can or ignore him and work on moving away from him or coping with it. Good luck.
  • RWClary
    RWClary Posts: 192 Member
    People speak truth, and it hurts.
    If they're not saying it, they're most all thinking it. Just focus on your goals and forgive people for just being people.
    They'll never change, but you can change.
    Good Luck - <3
  • saru2105
    saru2105 Posts: 9 Member
    Do not break your relationship with your family it will depress you which will drive you to eat more. Just ignore it. Stop going there so often, manage the relationship until you find the strength in you to do something about it. Nobody can change your path but yourself. So be strong and this community is here to give you that strength. Even in bad days, there always tomorrow that will be a better one. Take one day at the time in your journey. Good luck.
  • abadvat
    abadvat Posts: 1,241 Member
    Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.

    that's a very adult way to deal with the matter!
  • Afuller71
    Afuller71 Posts: 8 Member
    My Dad has always been my worst critic when it comes to my weight. Usually I have been to heavy ,which is currently the case ,10st 5lb for 5ft is overweight, but i have lost 9lb in just under three weeks. On occasion he has said I was too thin. Now he seems to have also commented on my Daughters weight, One is 18 next week and the other 14. My four year old has escaped his criticism for now. I know he means well and its only out of concern so I dont take it to heart. I know I can and will lose the weight again. Only six n half months ago I was 8st 8lb, it was my wedding day. I felt amazin and I will again. For me i just nod my head,agree and forget about it. As a teenager the story was different so maybe my whatever attitude comes with age (44) . Good luck in your journey and dont let the negative comments get you down. The best way to get back for all the comments is to lose the weight and show them you can .
  • Soopatt
    Soopatt Posts: 563 Member
    Different things effect differently people. My sister and I grew up in the same house and my fathers negative comments shamed me (into action and weight loss) and her into rebellion - she gained more weight. If he made a grumpy comment about whether the two of us were going to eat ALL the biscuits, I was shamed into only having one and she would rebelliously take 3.

    To this day that sort of pattern persists. Even if someone so much as hints that I will be late to deliver a project I am super motivated to get it done on time to "show them". If someone hints to my sister that she will be late to deliver a project she gives up, does not deliver at all and blames the world for the "pressure".

    Something about internal and external locus of control.

    It does not change the fact that it was pretty uncool that my father called my sister "McMuncher" as a nickname. It is still cruel, even if the same nickname motivated me. Eventually he started calling me "Slinky Sue" and her "McMuncher" and you can imagine how that turned out.

    We both reacted to my father, but there are kinder ways to get results I am sure.
  • Afuller71
    Afuller71 Posts: 8 Member
    Soopatt wrote: »
    Different things effect differently people. My sister and I grew up in the same house and my fathers negative comments shamed me (into action and weight loss) and her into rebellion - she gained more weight. If he made a grumpy comment about whether the two of us were going to eat ALL the biscuits, I was shamed into only having one and she would rebelliously take 3.

    To this day that sort of pattern persists. Even if someone so much as hints that I will be late to deliver a project I am super motivated to get it done on time to "show them". If someone hints to my sister that she will be late to deliver a project she gives up, does not deliver at all and blames the world for the "pressure".

    Something about internal and external locus of control.

    It does not change the fact that it was pretty uncool that my father called my sister "McMuncher" as a nickname. It is still cruel, even if the same nickname motivated me. Eventually he started calling me "Slinky Sue" and her "McMuncher" and you can imagine how that turned out.

    We both reacted to my father, but there are kinder ways to get results I am sure.

    How sad for you both, words can be hurtful and once said cannot be taken back. I would never say anything to my girls. If they ask for help I will help them, all I say when they say I want to lose weight is "I can help you by cooking healthy but I cannot lose it for you" My girls are not big but maybe a little weight off would make them feel better about themselves. With all the social media and photoshopped pictures there is so much pressure to look a certain way. I applaud you for using your dads negative comments to do something for yourself. I hope the different ways you and your Sister have dealt with things has not caused problems between you as I imagine it could. If your Sister could do the same as you and lose weight it would show your Dad . Name calling whoever it is between is nasty.
  • kittenful
    kittenful Posts: 318 Member
    I'm going to suggest a different strategy: get him to join you. Ask him to go on walks with you and it can be a new way for you to connect and talk. I love walking with my kiddo, we have some of our best conversations then.