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Shame - does it hinder or help you lose or gain weight?
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FeedMeFish wrote: »Define shaming? If you mean bluntness, pointing out the obvious, etc then yes that can be very helpful. Back when I was obese my mom eventually spoke up and told me I'm fat, I need to lose weight, I'm setting myself up for health problems etc. She also said to look at how big my clothes are (were). And during dinner she said to stop eating like a "pig", followed by "no wonder you're gaining weight". It's been a few years and after making a lot of changes, I'm slim and lean and more active. I probably would not have noticed the gradual damage I was doing to myself back then had my mom continued to kiss my butt and sugar coat everything. I'm thankful she finally spoke up. Obesity is on the rise and a lot of them need reality checks. Just saying.
I think part of a mother's job is to tell their children the hard truths in the way that will be best accepted by the child. So I wouldn't call that shaming (you might see it differently though). How would you have felt if strangers were telling you those things?2 -
FeedMeFish wrote: »Define shaming? If you mean bluntness, pointing out the obvious, etc then yes that can be very helpful. Back when I was obese my mom eventually spoke up and told me I'm fat, I need to lose weight, I'm setting myself up for health problems etc. She also said to look at how big my clothes are (were). And during dinner she said to stop eating like a "pig", followed by "no wonder you're gaining weight". It's been a few years and after making a lot of changes, I'm slim and lean and more active. I probably would not have noticed the gradual damage I was doing to myself back then had my mom continued to kiss my butt and sugar coat everything. I'm thankful she finally spoke up. Obesity is on the rise and a lot of them need reality checks. Just saying.
I think part of a mother's job is to tell their children the hard truths in the way that will be best accepted by the child. So I wouldn't call that shaming (you might see it differently though). How would you have felt if strangers were telling you those things?
To answer your question, I'll admit back then I would have probably taken it much worse by a stranger than I did by my mom. Fortunately, I'm now several years older and since then have been through a lot of drama so I can take a hit from anyone now lol.1 -
Shame? Not a chance it'd help me. It increases self - loathing and my reaction is to hide from the painful stimulus by locking myself up in my home and never interacting with people.
Guess how I know this?7 -
FeedMeFish wrote: »FeedMeFish wrote: »Define shaming? If you mean bluntness, pointing out the obvious, etc then yes that can be very helpful. Back when I was obese my mom eventually spoke up and told me I'm fat, I need to lose weight, I'm setting myself up for health problems etc. She also said to look at how big my clothes are (were). And during dinner she said to stop eating like a "pig", followed by "no wonder you're gaining weight". It's been a few years and after making a lot of changes, I'm slim and lean and more active. I probably would not have noticed the gradual damage I was doing to myself back then had my mom continued to kiss my butt and sugar coat everything. I'm thankful she finally spoke up. Obesity is on the rise and a lot of them need reality checks. Just saying.
I think part of a mother's job is to tell their children the hard truths in the way that will be best accepted by the child. So I wouldn't call that shaming (you might see it differently though). How would you have felt if strangers were telling you those things?
To answer your question, I'll admit back then I would have probably taken it much worse by a stranger than I did by my mom. Fortunately, I'm now several years older and since then have been through a lot of drama so I can take a hit from anyone now lol.
So I would have reacted the opposite. Anytime my mom mentions my weight, I shut it down. If strangers talk about my weight, I shut them down. My weight is something I have to control - no one else gets input. Especially since oftentimes I was being "shamed" by people when I felt (and was, actually based on any normal test like blood pressure, cholesterol, or running a mile) great, despite being overweight.
I think the earlier post about the shame being read as an attack was spot on for me, personally. I have the type of personality where if someone tells me to do something I will not do it just to spite them, even if I wanted to do it in the first place. It's gotten a lot better, but certain topics still bring out that inner dragon.4 -
I needed a little bit of shame to get started. If I felt zero shame about my weight, I would have just stayed where I was or kept on gaining. Looking into the mirror or at pictures of myself on Facebook started making me feel ashamed of myself. How did I let it get this far?
Then I turned that around into determination. I wasn't going to let it continue. I wasn't going to feel ashamed of myself anymore.
I needed a little bit of shame to make it feel necessary to change my life. I get that it can go too far, but I think a little bit is necessary. Its when you let it completely consume you and you wallow in it that it gets you into trouble.2 -
What is your experience? Does shame help you lose weight?
Does someone who says something that causes you to feel shame help or hinder you?
As far as I am concerned, these are two very different scenarios.
As far as feeling ashamed of myself goes, it was just one of the reasons why I eventually lost weight, along with health issues and vanity. But I believe the shame I felt for myself also greatly hindered my weight loss, because self-shame made me hate myself, and that self-hatred manifested in not taking care of myself in a myriad of ways. Weight loss was not even a thought I had, and finally getting to that point is something that still surprises me - I'm not really sure what finally made me do it.
Now, somebody else saying things to me about my weight? Well, that never happened, nobody ever said anything to me. But I have had people say some really embarrassing things to me about things I have done, and said them in front of several other people, including family members, and those occasions hurt and shamed me to the core, and are painful moments in my life that I will never forget. In one of the cases, it caused me to change that particular thing, but the questionable "positive" that was gained from me making that change does not balance out the extreme "negative" moment of public shaming and the memory of it that I will always carry. This "balance" holds true for me for all public humiliation of this nature, except that in most of the other cases, it caused me to not only NOT make the changes, but to carry resentment against those that used "tough love" (if you want to believe that's what it is instead of bullying and a need to control) to try to make me follow their lifestyle instead of my own.3 -
FeedMeFish wrote: »Define shaming? If you mean bluntness, pointing out the obvious, etc then yes that can be very helpful. Back when I was obese my mom eventually spoke up and told me I'm fat, I need to lose weight, I'm setting myself up for health problems etc. She also said to look at how big my clothes are (were). And during dinner she said to stop eating like a "pig", followed by "no wonder you're gaining weight". It's been a few years and after making a lot of changes, I'm slim and lean and more active. I probably would not have noticed the gradual damage I was doing to myself back then had my mom continued to kiss my butt and sugar coat everything. I'm thankful she finally spoke up. Obesity is on the rise and a lot of them need reality checks. Just saying.
Someone posted a video of Brene Brown's research about shame earlier in the thread. Her years of study are all about the definition and effects of shame. She draws a sharp distinction between shame/guilt. Shame tells a person that they are not acceptable, worthy of love or inclusion. Shame is about a person's intrinsic worth. Shame says that unless you look this way or that, achieve this or that (fill in whatever high bar you'd like), you are unworthy of love and not acceptable. Guilt, on the other hand, is about remorse for an action. You might feel guilty because you bombed a test due to lack of studying. If you consider yourself an idiot loser for doing poorly on a test, that's shame. Shame is about being a lousy person; guilt is about making a lousy choice. Brown's research shows that for many, shame throws people into a spiral of self loathing followed by self comforting with maladaptive choices, followed by more shame, etc. Binge eaters will recognize this shame spiral.
Sounds to me like you didn't internalize your mom's comments as a dig at your worth. You took it as her valuing your health. That's fortunate for you. From what I've seen, it doesn't work that way for most people. Many carry some painful baggage around from being told by loved ones that they're fat. While parents do have a responsibility for their children's health, words like "pig" and "fat" carry the potential to do so much damage. You can be straight with your kids about the benefits/risks of lifestyle from a positive angle. The most powerful way to do this is with example. Eat right, exercise, keep garbage food out of the house and lavish lots of praise for things done well (especially things that go beyond the realm of appearance).8 -
Shame just makes me eat more.
A bad disc in my back that was causing extreme pain in my left hip and thigh finally motived me to get off my butt.0 -
Hmm...I seem to be the lone wolf here.
When I found that I had begun gaining weight (due to some laziness and some hormone changes due to aging, and a general wish to eat whatever I wanted), I was ashamed of myself. No one else "shamed" me.
But I want to be a person who values her health and cares for her body. My view is that I've been given a healthy body and want to care for it out of a place of gratitude. So I was ashamed that I hadn't.
It wasn't any big, dark, sinister shame -- it was just a realization that I had become complacent and wasn't caring for my body. I was ashamed of that and wanted to change it. So, yes, shame motivated me to get started treating my body better.1 -
I wonder if we are all using the same definition of "shame" here. Many of you seem to use shame as a verb -- people humiliating or harassing someone. I think of "shame" as a a noun -- the sobering realization of my own shortcomings and mistakes.1
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I think of that as being ashamed, and don't see that as a big deal. Feeling shame is something more, something that to me tends to be debilitating, not empowering--it spurs me to feel hopeless and worthless and to wallow, not to action.
I had a realization when I saw a photo of myself and was embarrassed by how fat I'd become. Became motivated and determined to lose weight and did. That wasn't shame. Shame was back when I used to hate myself and think I was worthless.2 -
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I wonder if we are all using the same definition of "shame" here. Many of you seem to use shame as a verb -- people humiliating or harassing someone. I think of "shame" as a a noun -- the sobering realization of my own shortcomings and mistakes.
If I remember correctly, the original context of this thread was regarding the appropriateness of shaming another person in an attempt to make them want to lose weight. It came up in a separate thread about the fat acceptance movement, which tends to decry "fat shaming", and the OP here began this discussion so as not to derail the other thread.0 -
I wonder if we are all using the same definition of "shame" here. Many of you seem to use shame as a verb -- people humiliating or harassing someone. I think of "shame" as a a noun -- the sobering realization of my own shortcomings and mistakes.
If I remember correctly, the original context of this thread was regarding the appropriateness of shaming another person in an attempt to make them want to lose weight. It came up in a separate thread about the fat acceptance movement, which tends to decry "fat shaming", and the OP here began this discussion so as not to derail the other thread.
Yes that was where I was coming from with the thread but I appreciate all the discussion around both the verb and noun definition.
It is interesting how people react differently.1 -
I wonder if we are all using the same definition of "shame" here. Many of you seem to use shame as a verb -- people humiliating or harassing someone. I think of "shame" as a a noun -- the sobering realization of my own shortcomings and mistakes.
If I remember correctly, the original context of this thread was regarding the appropriateness of shaming another person in an attempt to make them want to lose weight. It came up in a separate thread about the fat acceptance movement, which tends to decry "fat shaming", and the OP here began this discussion so as not to derail the other thread.
Yes that was where I was coming from with the thread but I appreciate all the discussion around both the verb and noun definition.
It is interesting how people react differently.
Not surprising to me. Shame is used by some to manipulate others, sometimes in very unhealthy ways. I lost a loved one, he was shamed to death. That wasn't the outcome his father imagined, when he used shame to manipulate his son.2 -
markrgeary1 wrote: »I wonder if we are all using the same definition of "shame" here. Many of you seem to use shame as a verb -- people humiliating or harassing someone. I think of "shame" as a a noun -- the sobering realization of my own shortcomings and mistakes.
If I remember correctly, the original context of this thread was regarding the appropriateness of shaming another person in an attempt to make them want to lose weight. It came up in a separate thread about the fat acceptance movement, which tends to decry "fat shaming", and the OP here began this discussion so as not to derail the other thread.
Yes that was where I was coming from with the thread but I appreciate all the discussion around both the verb and noun definition.
It is interesting how people react differently.
Not surprising to me. Shame is used by some to manipulate others, sometimes in very unhealthy ways. I lost a loved one, he was shamed to death. That wasn't the outcome his father imagined, when he used shame to manipulate his son.
I'm horrified! There are no words...
This sounds so very inadequate, but I'm sorry for your loss and all the pain that came with it.5 -
I think shame can help keep people slimmer at a societal level. Some societies have a very low tolerance for and accommodation of surplus fat, and I suspect that does impact how much people weigh. It is just one factor, but I think it would be a factor.
I remember shopping in a Paris boutique when I had a BMI of about 22, and over hearing the sales girls sniggering about how fat I was. And I had to take the largest size on offer. Same thing in Japan: if you are big you literally don't fit into seats or toilet cubicles, etc.4 -
I think shame can help keep people slimmer at a societal level. Some societies have a very low tolerance for and accommodation of surplus fat, and I suspect that does impact how much people weigh. It is just one factor, but I think it would be a factor.
I remember shopping in a Paris boutique when I had a BMI of about 22, and over hearing the sales girls sniggering about how fat I was. And I had to take the largest size on offer. Same thing in Japan: if you are big you literally don't fit into seats or toilet cubicles, etc.
Precisely. Yet somehow, here in the US, it's discrimination and "fat hate" to want to charge a person for two seats on an airplane, when they are so large that they actually do take up more than a single seat. Our priorities are nuts.2 -
It has a negative impact .. no matter how you put it!
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I think shame can help keep people slimmer at a societal level. Some societies have a very low tolerance for and accommodation of surplus fat, and I suspect that does impact how much people weigh. It is just one factor, but I think it would be a factor.
I remember shopping in a Paris boutique when I had a BMI of about 22, and over hearing the sales girls sniggering about how fat I was. And I had to take the largest size on offer. Same thing in Japan: if you are big you literally don't fit into seats or toilet cubicles, etc.
It's amazing how a little social pressure in the right areas can help. Here though being unhealthy and having type 2 diabetes is practically celebrated. I get not being overtly mean to people, but I do often think that it's gone too far.1
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