Working Out and Marriage

kevinf2380

I was kind of wondering how often getting back in shape puts a stress on a marriage.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but it's just reality. I know a lot of guys who got in shape after a lot of years being overweight. Usually, the spouse let themself go and physical attraction becomes a problem. So the guy gets better looking and libido increases but he can't find satisfaction in what he has at home. What's worse is he gets more attention from the opposite sex now because of his appearance. The guy usually gives into temptation and cheats on his wife.

This is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. I've just seen it happen. I was wondering how common this is. Is it more common than we think people just don't talk about it?

MonkeyMel21

It's more common than a lot of people think, and about as common as some of us know

bekim123

I think it works both ways.

CincyNeid

kevinf2380 wrote: »

I was kind of wondering how often getting back in shape puts a stress on a marriage.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but it's just reality. I know a lot of guys who got in shape after a lot of years being overweight. Usually, the spouse let themself go and physical attraction becomes a problem. So the guy gets better looking and libido increases but he can't find satisfaction in what he has at home. What's worse is he gets more attention from the opposite sex now because of his appearance. The guy usually gives into temptation and cheats on his wife.

This is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. I've just seen it happen. I was wondering how common this is. Is it more common than we think people just don't talk about it?

I think it's fairly common. I know my wife got jealous of me going to the gym, running, cycling and such. She was worried that I was going to run off and cheat on her with someone from the gym or local cycling club.

Lonestar5715

My personal experience is it wasn't that I was less attracted to my spouse (she kept herself in good shape throughout our marriage) but getting in shape gave me greater confidence and I realized how tired I was of her verbal abuse. When I suggested a trial separation to help us sort things out she filed for divorce. Such is life.

NorthCascades

kevinf2380 wrote: »

I was kind of wondering how often getting back in shape puts a stress on a marriage.

You're talking about a scenario where the wife was thin when the couple met, and put on weight during the marriage; it isn't clear when the husband became large but is getting in shape along during the marriage. There are a lot of other scenarios, of course. Couples who sweat together stay together.

kevinf2380

Cutaway_Collar, you're probably right. You have to make that decision, are you going to be the kind of guy that cheats on his wife? Or the kind that's faithful no matter what?

Either way, I think people should be able to have conversations about it. Sure, no one wants to brag about cheating on their spouse but it does happen and I don't think people shouldn't instantly be crucified once it happens. Everyone's circumstances are different.

I can't say your willpower is any better than mine without walking in your shoes and experiencing what you experience.

Unknown

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kevinf2380

Cutaway_Collar wrote: »

^

Tres interessant.

Are you looking to fool around, brah? What is it, self-therapy?

Just like having conversations about things most people don't find easy to talk about

Stronger4_life

Once I started losing weight, my husband accused me of everything -- that I was only getting in shape for attention, and then accusing me of cheating. It's difficult to talk about, and I understand because I've been through this (good side and the bad side). But, when I started to receive more attention from men - of course I liked it - and it's nice, especially when your husband ignores you and makes you feel like you're worthless on a daily basis. He can't stand the attention/compliments I get, but I really don't care anymore. He doesn't even believe that I'm at the gym at 5am everyday. haha! He won't compliment me on my weight loss or recent progress recently. I used to let that affect me, and I turned to food as comfort when I was heavy and overweight. Once I changed my lifestyle and eating habits, I don't to cave into that mental/emotional abuse anymore....but it still affects me in other ways. Going to the gym is my stress relief and keeps my sanity...

PandoraGreen721

^^
Not passing judgement on your situation..but that sounds terrible. No one can make you feel worthless without allowing them..but you seem to be handling it the best you can. I can't imagine being with someone who accused me of cheating or who fails to support and uplift you. I hope he fixes whatever is going on with him so he'll stop projecting his unworthiness upon you.

You're worth more. Just my two cents..

deadliftsandnoodles

It's easier to stay single and do what the *kitten* you wanna do

cuckoo_jenibeth

I can't imagine the hurt of being accused of cheating! My husband says he doesn't worry...I never notice if I get hit on or flirted with! Lol! I always just think they are being nice!

chocolate_owl

Idk, I'm not sure how common it is for a healthy relationship to get strained by one person starting to work out. If your relationship crumbles, the issues were already there. Losing weight and getting in shape just brings in new elements like self-confidence and interest from other people that puts the flaws in your relationship into sharper relief.

cuckoo_jenibeth

mskessler89 wrote: »

Idk, I'm not sure how common it is for a healthy relationship to get strained by one person starting to work out. If your relationship crumbles, the issues were already there. Losing weight and getting in shape just brings in new elements like self-confidence and interest from other people that puts the flaws in your relationship into sharper relief.

Much wisdom here

Guns_N_Buns

My hubs was really fit when we first met and I was fit, but just had a protective winter coat on (that's my story I'm sticking to it). We've been witness to each other getting hit on numerous times. I love it! I love to see him keep up and improve his appearance and health; him getting hit on makes me smile inside (like, "YASSS *kitten*! that's mine!") and I can tell he shares the same sentiment.

So, in short, I agree with what Collar said; relationships are as solid as a single wide in tornado alley prior to getting fit if infidelity occurrs.

Angela937

Every time I started losing weight my husband would accuse me of having an affair. He is the only person I've ever been with, but he is insecure and doesn't trust me.

JeromeBarry1

We're so old that anybody hitting on either of us is just kidding anyway. When she lost weight I bragged about my new hot sexy wife. When she gained it back I just resumed "Yes, Dear."

amandaeve

I have the opposite problem. My partner has gone up several sizes since we moved in together. He is less attractive, less confident and *certain activities* are not as comfortable as they used to be because our bodies fit differently now.

cdahl383

Sounds like a lot of people are insecure. Working out is a good thing, it keeps you in shape, so you'll live a long healthy life. That should be supported in a marriage. There will always be temptations in life no matter where you go. If the person is going to cheat, they're going to cheat. If that happens, they probably weren't who you thought they were to begin with. You have to be able to trust each other. Without trust, things don't really work too well.

Angela937

Cutaway_Collar wrote: »

Angela937 wrote: »

Every time I started losing weight my husband would accuse me of having an affair. He is the only person I've ever been with, but he is insecure and doesn't trust me.

Did you tell him you joined MFP and are assisting a dude who got punched in the nuts during boxing??

Lol, no but we are currently separated now.

alyssa_rest

My fiance is the one who isn't a workout/health fanatic like me. He did gain a little weight last year, but it doesn't make me love him less or find myself unattracted to him. If you can't look at your spouse/significant other and remember what you loved about them before their wight gain, then I feel like the relationship was lacking something far before that... He also never gets jealous when I work out a lot. He knows I look better (even though he tells me I'm beautiful no matter what), but he's the only one who gets the benefits at home

matti422

I think any time one partner has a hobby the other doesn't, it will take some work to educate the other about why this is important to you. But that's just standard "people change over time, relationships take work" stuff. Philandering or control (ffs - emotional abuse!) issues are not /caused/ by someone working out, getting fit or losing weight. That kind of assumption is based on a theory that people get fit only to please others, when most of us are doing it to make ourselves happy.

EricNewark

Funny I was thinking of this subject for a while now just never thought of posting about it. lol

My wife and I started our health journey 2 years ago. She stopped 3 weeks in and I didn't. I'm on MFP officially as like 63lbs lost but in reality its closer to probably 75lbs total. I constantly am nagged if I open MFP on my phone about that I'm doing something wrong, constantly nagged about going for a run even if one of the kids wants to go with me - I still get "*kitten*" over it. I'm accused of cheating because of having women on my friends list, etc.

It does get OLD really quick. I have never given her a reason to not trust me - yet I'm treated like I have done it 10 times already.

I've been trying to get her back in to getting healthier and think I might slowly be getting there. She isn't working out yet but she has cut back on sugars, smaller meal portions, etc. I'm rubbing off on her I guess in that sense.

In looking back at some posts here I'm glad to see I'm not the only one - but also wish none of us had to go through it either. Makes you question your own sanity sometimes!

chunky_pinup

Kimberly_Phillips wrote: »

Once I started losing weight, my husband accused me of everything -- that I was only getting in shape for attention, and then accusing me of cheating. It's difficult to talk about, and I understand because I've been through this (good side and the bad side). But, when I started to receive more attention from men - of course I liked it - and it's nice, especially when your husband ignores you and makes you feel like you're worthless on a daily basis. He can't stand the attention/compliments I get, but I really don't care anymore. He doesn't even believe that I'm at the gym at 5am everyday. haha! He won't compliment me on my weight loss or recent progress recently. I used to let that affect me, and I turned to food as comfort when I was heavy and overweight. Once I changed my lifestyle and eating habits, I don't to cave into that mental/emotional abuse anymore....but it still affects me in other ways. Going to the gym is my stress relief and keeps my sanity...

Why on EARTH are you staying with someone who makes you feel worthless on a daily basis??

chunky_pinup

I think that the biggest issue I’m seeing in the situation posted is a lack of communication. It might not always be a comfortable talk, but sometimes things need to be said! When I met my (now) husband, he was in incredible shape, and still is. He’s all muscle. I was far from it – about 30 pounds overweight, but he loved my “curves”. He makes a point to fit his workouts into his daily schedule, and it’s something that I’ve known from the beginning was always very important to him. I got to a point about three years ago where I just wasn’t happy, and really had stopped taking care of myself and had ballooned – now about 70 pounds overweight – my heaviest ever. I know it wasn’t easy for him, and it hurt me initially too…but he was mature enough in our relationship to sit me down one night and talk to me. He was careful with his words, but he let me know I needed to make some changes because it wasn’t good for me (I have an autoimmune disease that worsens when you’re overweight), and that it was getting harder for him to feel attracted to me. I cried and cried hard – not because of WHAT he said, but because I already KNEW it, but was too scared to do anything about it. Well…called my doc the next day to get a psych referral because I was VERY depressed, signed up to use our work gym and bought some new sneakers. Ended up finding out about a week later that I was pregnant! But that wasn’t going to stop me. I ended up losing 15 pounds in my first trimester (yes, this was okay-ed by my doctor) and only gained 17 pounds total. Left the hospital after having our baby 10 pounds less than before I got pregnant and have not stopped since! I’m now ten pounds lighter than when we first met – we work out together when our schedules work, and it’s now something we love doing together. Had the communication not been there, who knows what would have happened. But you NEED to be honest with your partner. Grow a pair, and talk to them before you just decide it’s easier to sneak around.

EricNewark

I totally agree with you..

On that note I don't sneak around about it. I've always been open with her, my phone is an open book for her to go through and she knows and does now and then. She knows I add my food to a diary everyday.

But I will totally and 110% agree it's communication. In some cases though (one of the posters above) even that doesn't work. But that was just obviously an unhealthy relationship to begi with (and no fixing that easily).

I thinks it's awesome you have found a way to make it a couples thing (although separate too). I can only hope I get there some day soon! Lol

niblue

My wife is fitter and better looking than me - so one reason I'm improving my fitness is to keep up with her! Although at the moment when we run together I'm a fair bit more running fit than her.

she800hunter2014

Kimberly_Phillips wrote: »

Once I started losing weight, my husband accused me of everything -- that I was only getting in shape for attention, and then accusing me of cheating. It's difficult to talk about, and I understand because I've been through this (good side and the bad side). But, when I started to receive more attention from men - of course I liked it - and it's nice, especially when your husband ignores you and makes you feel like you're worthless on a daily basis. He can't stand the attention/compliments I get, but I really don't care anymore. He doesn't even believe that I'm at the gym at 5am everyday. haha! He won't compliment me on my weight loss or recent progress recently. I used to let that affect me, and I turned to food as comfort when I was heavy and overweight. Once I changed my lifestyle and eating habits, I don't to cave into that mental/emotional abuse anymore....but it still affects me in other ways. Going to the gym is my stress relief and keeps my sanity...

Boy can I relate to your story, that sounds like my ex to a "T". You are definitely in a toxic relationship and need to be with someone who is supportive of everything you do especially getting into shape and becoming healthy. My current husband is so supportive of my weight loss and my exercise achievements. It only encourages him to do the same. This is a healthy relationship! As your body gets healthy maybe it will help with your mind too and make you realize that you can't spend the rest of your life living with someone who emotionally wants to destroy you. Your better than that and deserve so much better.

wolverine66

deadliftsandnoodles wrote: »

It's easier to stay single and do what the *kitten* you wanna do

you have a distorted view of relationships. being with someone doesn't mean you can't do stuff anymore. if it does, you're in the wrong one.

wolverine66

if i get more attention from the ladies, that's great and i'm flattered, but my wife has no worries. i love her regardless of if she let herself go or not. I fell in love with her being, not her body.

if he is thinking about cheating because now he's getting more attention, then the relationship already had issues, and there are just more opportunities and he is rationalizing in order to make an excuse for himself. It's a *kitten* move, honestly.