Working Out and Marriage
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I've been with my wife for 16 years now. We have the three most amazing kids.
On the jealousy/cheating suspicion side, we have always been very relaxed on this subject to the extent that I would get hit by some girl at a New Year's Day party blatantly in front of her that she would laugh and let me know afterwards. Because she trusts me and I'm in the same place. I trust her.
If anything, I'd be offended by the other guy unless he didn't realize that we're together (we do not display a lot in public).
Having said that, recently she made the comment for the first time.
" Now, you're going to leave me for some girl..." although she was half-joking about it.
Well, all it has to do is with her self-confidence and not that I have changed. I may have changed physically but it's more a reflection of her own inability to get into a healthier lifestyle (at the moment) rather than my so-called change. I think she knows it and I took the opportunity to ask her "what prevents you from eating the same thing than I do?", "we could go to the gym in turns" (we can't go together because we have three young kids at home). Now that I have the energy to motivate others, I'm happy to help her embarking into that journey.
I appreciate that it may actually raise tensions in a couple because of a pre-existing issue.
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chunky_pinup wrote: »Kimberly_Phillips wrote: »Once I started losing weight, my husband accused me of everything -- that I was only getting in shape for attention, and then accusing me of cheating. It's difficult to talk about, and I understand because I've been through this (good side and the bad side). But, when I started to receive more attention from men - of course I liked it - and it's nice, especially when your husband ignores you and makes you feel like you're worthless on a daily basis. He can't stand the attention/compliments I get, but I really don't care anymore. He doesn't even believe that I'm at the gym at 5am everyday. haha! He won't compliment me on my weight loss or recent progress recently. I used to let that affect me, and I turned to food as comfort when I was heavy and overweight. Once I changed my lifestyle and eating habits, I don't to cave into that mental/emotional abuse anymore....but it still affects me in other ways. Going to the gym is my stress relief and keeps my sanity...
Why on EARTH are you staying with someone who makes you feel worthless on a daily basis??
It can feel very difficult to leave an abusive relationship.3 -
kevinf2380 wrote: »I was kind of wondering how often getting back in shape puts a stress on a marriage.
I know I'm going to get flamed for this but it's just reality. I know a lot of guys who got in shape after a lot of years being overweight. Usually, the spouse let themself go and physical attraction becomes a problem. So the guy gets better looking and libido increases but he can't find satisfaction in what he has at home. What's worse is he gets more attention from the opposite sex now because of his appearance. The guy usually gives into temptation and cheats on his wife.
This is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. I've just seen it happen. I was wondering how common this is. Is it more common than we think people just don't talk about it?
I'm female, and have never been on either side of this situation. I've previously done my getting back into shape after a breakup. I'm doing it within a relationship now, but am happy with our sex life and feel no need to cheat. If I wasn't happy with my sex life, I'd fix it. Cheating is a lazy way out.1 -
I think it's usually less about just one partner getting heavier and the other partner no longer being physically attracted to the other one. There are usually other factors that play rather than simple loss of attraction. Stress, lack of communication, the day to day of running a home, and getting careless in how you treat each other, etc. I gained quite a bit of weigh after we got married and my wife gained some as well. Our sex life slowed down a little, as is normal, but was still healthy. Recently we have both recently started losing weight again but our sex life is now nonexistent.0
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There's also a set of expectations and beliefs that we all inherit from society at large. People should date and marry within their league, for example. When one half of the relationship changes their body (the way it looks, feels, and performs, plus the habits it carries out) especially when it's fairly drastic, the other half is going to feel some pressure even when it's not from their spouse.1
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And it can be a vicious circle, the spouse who is gaining weight or not losing weight feels the pressure and loses confidence, which came make them less attractive.3
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revolutiontruth wrote: »Recently we have both recently started losing weight again but our sex life is now nonexistent.
Why do you think that is? Do you still find yourself sexually attracted to
other people?0 -
Some one said earlier that "working out is just a catalyst to already an existing problem in the marriage."Another person above also said that "couples that workout together stay together." I totally agree with those thoughts and I think and feel that regardless of the other spouse emotions, one should always move ahead fort the better health and appearance, reminding the other that it's also for their benefit that you are changing. Assuring and talking and being loyal still has to be paramount above all else, since marriage is a covenant of blood and a sacred one above all else aside from G*d. ❤️0
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My husband finally got in shape, after years of being a little overweight, and I'm happy about it. I don't think that means he's going to cheat on me, but if he does, I hope he tells me.0
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We both train hard most every day but not always together and that's okay.
Common relationship goals, common fitness levels and common nutritional goals make it.... well, it's never easy but it makes the relationship a lot better than if we were at polar opposites of the fitness scale.0 -
I've never been big, but I was out of shape. I've recently gotten back into shape. My husband is still about 75lbs overweight. My feelings and attraction to him have not changed and I would never cheat on him. I don't have people all the sudden expressing interest in me and I don't get hit on, but even if I did it would not make a difference. As a married person, you must have certain barriers in place and know what lines not to cross.
My husband however does get jealous and makes comments that he thinks I'm going to get in shape and cheat on him or that he thinks I don't find him attractive. He half jokingly/half serious thinks I'm lying when I go to the gym or come home late from work and that I'm secretly seeing someone. That's his insecurity talking. That happens sometimes when one partner makes a drastic change. Especially when you've been together over 20yrs like us.0 -
Honestly this exact scenario is why I'm glad I married such a good man. I was a beached whale for about 5 of the last 8 years we've been together, meanwhile my husband is a very handsome man- he absolutely could have done better. But he stood by me and never pushed me on it.
When I started this journey in February he started with me (I think mostly to support me since he's since abandoned ship ) and never made me feel weird about us working out together. Now 74lbs later he watches the kids at night when I go out to run. Our fitness goals are not the same and that doesn't matter to me. He's gotten a little insecure once or twice recently because men are blatantly checking me out in front of him and our kids but its not an issue because we both know we're in our marriage for the long haul.
As a random aside I don't get who finds all this opposite sex "attention" appealing. I HATE random dudes approaching me. Who thinks, "Yes lets hit on the woman with the wedding ring and the three kids with her. Obviously she's looking for companionship." -_- lol1 -
The biggest deal in my marriage is that because I go to the gym and he doesn't, he's jealous of the time I'm spending away from the family. He has a membership, too, but doesn't go. When I'm there he's stuck watching the kids. Neither of us is right or wrong, it's just a small point of contention at times.2
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Goes both ways. I am in a very, very happy marriage currently. My 1st? Ended horribly with infidelity after I lost 90 lbs.... almost exactly the situation you described. I will never, ever forgive myself but I know that God forgave me long ago. In the end, that is all that matters.0
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JessicaMcB wrote: »Honestly this exact scenario is why I'm glad I married such a good man. I was a beached whale for about 5 of the last 8 years we've been together, meanwhile my husband is a very handsome man- he absolutely could have done better. But he stood by me and never pushed me on it.
When I started this journey in February he started with me (I think mostly to support me since he's since abandoned ship ) and never made me feel weird about us working out together. Now 74lbs later he watches the kids at night when I go out to run. Our fitness goals are not the same and that doesn't matter to me. He's gotten a little insecure once or twice recently because men are blatantly checking me out in front of him and our kids but its not an issue because we both know we're in our marriage for the long haul.
As a random aside I don't get who finds all this opposite sex "attention" appealing. I HATE random dudes approaching me. Who thinks, "Yes lets hit on the woman with the wedding ring and the three kids with her. Obviously she's looking for companionship." -_- lol
I'm very happy and emotionally satisfied in my marriage, and I get uncomfortable when men hit on me. I'm put in a situation where I have to be on my guard in case they don't take no for an answer, and in some instances I've felt very unsafe. I walk from my office to Subway for lunch sometimes, and I've had cars turn around and follow me while catcalling. However, in my previous relationship, I thrived on that kind of attention. I was either ignored or berated by my boyfriend, so random dudes hitting on me made me feel a little less crappy about myself.0 -
Not an issue for me.
I work out while she and our children are still asleep. I am at the house to help with the kids in the mornings before work and in the evenings after. I receive advances that I act on sometimes (but not because of weight loss), she receives advances as well. To my knowledge, neither of us have been unfaithful thanks to my weight loss or muscle building. I received a Hooter's girl's phone number the other day which COULD have caused problems in our marriage. It wouldn't have been because of weight loss or muscle building either though.
She goes with me to my powerlifting meets and cheers for me. She supports my goals and interests (in the gym and everywhere else). I support her hobbies. We spend time together. She hasn't worked out a day in her life that I'm aware of. I knew that before I married her. I made some changes, but luckily she was able to wrap her head around the fact that some changes can be good.
I guess when it's all said and done, our marriage hasn't changed much due to my time in the gym.1 -
Some one said earlier that "working out is just a catalyst to already an existing problem in the marriage."Another person above also said that "couples that workout together stay together." I totally agree with those thoughts and I think and feel that regardless of the other spouse emotions, one should always move ahead fort the better health and appearance, reminding the other that it's also for their benefit that you are changing. Assuring and talking and being loyal still has to be paramount above all else, since marriage is a covenant of blood and a sacred one above all else aside from G*d. ❤️
nah. i don't believe either is necessarily true.
first, working out doesn't mean there's an existing problem in the marriage. i started working out not because there was a marital problem, but because being fat was going to kill me. that's all.
there are plenty of couples out there who either a) don't both work out or b) have to schedule around things like kids where they can't workout together who do just fine.
if there is a jealousy that emerges, then they should seek counseling. you can reassure all you want, but that doesn't address the root problem of them not trusting you or their confidence in him/herself - which are the 2 major place jealousy is created.2 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
Please elaborate, brah! Inquiring minds want to know. Is it like going incogNEATo?!_incogNEATo_ wrote: »Not an issue for me.
I work out while she and our children are still asleep. I am at the house to help with the kids in the mornings before work and in the evenings after. I receive advances that I act on sometimes (but not because of weight loss), she receives advances as well. To my knowledge, neither of us have been unfaithful thanks to my weight loss or muscle building. I received a Hooter's girl's phone number the other day which COULD have caused problems in our marriage. It wouldn't have been because of weight loss or muscle building either though.
She goes with me to my powerlifting meets and cheers for me. She supports my goals and interests (in the gym and everywhere else). I support her hobbies. We spend time together. She hasn't worked out a day in her life that I'm aware of. I knew that before I married her. I made some changes, but luckily she was able to wrap her head around the fact that some changes can be good.
I guess when it's all said and done, our marriage hasn't changed much due to my time in the gym.
Well, kinda like the Hooter's girl. I'm a pretty decent looking guy AND I have a great personality so I get flirted with regularly and sometimes I flirt back. In the instance at hand, she gave me her phone number. I texted her a few times and we haven't spoken since.
My wife has a coworker that flirts with me regularly and has made it known that she's interested in me.
What I'm saying is, all of this has more to do with me being a terrible person rather than having lost a little weight.1 -
NorthCascades wrote: »There's also a set of expectations and beliefs that we all inherit from society at large. People should date and marry within their league, for example. When one half of the relationship changes their body (the way it looks, feels, and performs, plus the habits it carries out) especially when it's fairly drastic, the other half is going to feel some pressure even when it's not from their spouse.
Similarly, my ex husband and I were heavy drinkers when we met. When I quit drinking (and he did not) that created a lot of strain on the marriage, which feel apart not long afterwards.
(I didn't become an annoying evangelical AA-er - I went to a few Smart Recovery/Rational Recovery meetings and that was it.)0 -
If you're tempted to cheat or lose interest in your spouse the minute someone hotter comes along, you're really going to struggle to find long-term happiness. I understand that attraction can change over the years or maybe other things change, but I would hope/imagine that your marriage is built on more than just hotness. No matter how fit you are, let's be real, looks fade over time.
I think sometimes people lose a few pounds and spend 3 minutes being fit and suddenly kind of forget what it's like to be on the other side or struggling with weight. It could very well be that in a few years the situation is reversed and suddenly the spouse is the fitter more attractive one. I'm sure the OP would have some different thoughts on the matter then.2 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
OMG! I know that guy!!!!!! I can't believe he's still around!!
OK...my 2 cents:
Just yesterday I saw a couple kinda 'speed' walking down my street. The husband was in really good shape, the wife...notsomuch. The husband was ahead of her and kept turning around to get her to catch up. The wife looked tired, frustrated, sweaty and aggravated. I was thinking that hubby was trying to get wifey in shape and wifey didn't look too happy about it.
Now, about the cheating thing. I dated a guy for 6 months who was 'separated'. As it turned out, he got back together with his wife 3 months ago but continued his relationship with me. When I discovered the truth I ended the relationship but he kept trying to reel me back in. Naturally I was like "no - that's not the life I want to live." I really don't know why he cheats on his wife - but he did it and got away with it, and many people do and continue to have affairs.0 -
AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »I really don't know why he cheats on his wife - but he did it and got away with it, and many people do and continue to have affairs.
I don't get it either. Maybe it's because I'm the product of a broken home due to cheating, but if you aren't happy with your spouse...leave. It's as simple as that. Why would you want to be in a relationship if you are not being fulfilled? Not to mention the pain you would cause your significant other, your children, your extended family if you were to get caught. Why would you want to do that to someone? If you care so little for their feelings, do them the favor of breaking off the relationship first.
And for the people who say they love their spouse and don't want to leave them, but they miss that feeling of first attraction....do you miss that more than you would miss your marriage? Think, people, think!
Sorry, rant over. I truly am curious as to what goes through people's minds who cheat.
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mom23mangos wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »I really don't know why he cheats on his wife - but he did it and got away with it, and many people do and continue to have affairs.
I don't get it either. Maybe it's because I'm the product of a broken home due to cheating, but if you aren't happy with your spouse...leave. It's as simple as that. Why would you want to be in a relationship if you are not being fulfilled? Not to mention the pain you would cause your significant other, your children, your extended family if you were to get caught. Why would you want to do that to someone? If you care so little for their feelings, do them the favor of breaking off the relationship first.
And for the people who say they love their spouse and don't want to leave them, but they miss that feeling of first attraction....do you miss that more than you would miss your marriage? Think, people, think!
Sorry, rant over. I truly am curious as to what goes through people's minds who cheat.
I heard a lot of "we have to stay together for the kids" - but I often wonder how these kids turn out after living in a house with parents who either fight or ignore each other, or who have no real relationship with each other. To grow up in a home with that sort of stress...I would think it would be worse than growing up with divorced parents?
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AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »mom23mangos wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »I really don't know why he cheats on his wife - but he did it and got away with it, and many people do and continue to have affairs.
I don't get it either. Maybe it's because I'm the product of a broken home due to cheating, but if you aren't happy with your spouse...leave. It's as simple as that. Why would you want to be in a relationship if you are not being fulfilled? Not to mention the pain you would cause your significant other, your children, your extended family if you were to get caught. Why would you want to do that to someone? If you care so little for their feelings, do them the favor of breaking off the relationship first.
And for the people who say they love their spouse and don't want to leave them, but they miss that feeling of first attraction....do you miss that more than you would miss your marriage? Think, people, think!
Sorry, rant over. I truly am curious as to what goes through people's minds who cheat.
I heard a lot of "we have to stay together for the kids" - but I often wonder how these kids turn out after living in a house with parents who either fight or ignore each other, or who have no real relationship with each other. To grow up in a home with that sort of stress...I would think it would be worse than growing up with divorced parents?
my parents stayed together for the kids. Once my younger brother was a freshman in college my dad was out. they didn't interact all that much. they fought some, but nothing physical. my mom pretty much did everything and my dad did his own thing. although, i will say, it didn't seem so obvious until after the fact. so i don't think it was worse than growing up with divorced parents... for me anyway.2 -
I can see the staying together for the kids thing. I think many guys that cheat stay together because it's a lot cheaper than getting divorced. You have to deal with alimony, child support, legal fees. There's so much drama there that they feel can be avoided if they do things on the side.1
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I'm not married and have only been with my boyfriend for 9 months, but I still feel like I can say that if you react negatively to your partner trying to better themselves, you've got some issues you need to work though yourself. I've never been thin (I was about 25 lbs overweight when we started dating), and my boyfriend always has been thin (he's about 6' and weighs around 135 lbs). I've always wished we could swap weights. I gained some weight during our relationship because I was working full time and comfortable with not being single, and my self-confidence kind of took a hit. Finally he told me after I was complaining about my tummy "You either need to except the way you are, or do something about it." He has never ever made me feel bad about my weight and truly believe he would love me regardless of my size. If he can love me at my heaviest, he can love me at my fittest. He's been super supportive and positive ever since I've started tracking my calories and going to the gym regularly. And that's how it should be in any relationship, regardless of how long you've been together.1
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My husband isn't buff but he is toned and I still think he looks sexy, I've always been bigger than he is but in late June my doctor said to change my diet and lose some weight cause my healthy wasn't that great, my husband supports me by helping me make healthier choices but I know there are certain foods my husband and son won't eat so I will make them something different at meal times and I will eat my healthy stuff, my husband is proud of me and praises me, we go for walks with our son together and try to play sports together for exercise or we go walking on a trail when the weather is cooler0
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I have always been fit and kept fitness as a priority. I'm a dancer, so it's vital to my life and happiness. I had two kids, kept fit. Encountered challenges. At one point I put on a few pounds (literally a few pounds). I have to say that when I shed those and started lifting weights that my husband definitely loved it. Though he never had any issue with my body. He just especially loves me super fit. Then I lost too much weight because of a health issue. He supported and helped me to gain it back. He kinda let things go a little, but only because he works so hard! It's more of a mental thing than physical thing. But, still has his amazing muscular legs. So, he is inspired by me to keep up with his fitness. And I also get him out hiking and walking with me because it's just such a wonderful way to talk and spend time together. I get hit on and asked out. I am not tempted to cheat on my husband. I keep open communication. And have communicated that we agree that flirting is ok. Just flirting. It's ok with me to look and flirt and point out a hot women. And definitely keep things interesting in the bedroom. Choosing activities and a lifestyle that encourages fitness. Go out dancing (fun and fit at the same time). Having fun encourages fitness. Feeling alive. Sometimes you need to nurture that in your partner. I needed to with my husband. Sometimes people get older and busy and think they are old and let it go. I reminded him he is young and has many fun, vital years to enjoy together, to enjoy as long as we can with good health and happiness. Now we are fit, young, healthy. Women weren't showing interest in him. Now they are. It's a good thing. Gives him confidence. So, let the attention give you confidence and feed that back towards encouraging your partner to be active with you for the fun of it. Fitness naturally follows from there. Include her if you can.1
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I lost weight for me. I'm oblivious to whether I get attention or not. I go out and run in a regular basis my husband is fairly supportive. He is overweight but didn't like me overweight but now I'm slim and fit I think he feels intimidated by this and my strong willpower. Yes attention from the opposite sex would be nice, it makes you feel good however I've not noticed if I turn heads or not lol.0
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