Is my marriage normal?

ashandloggiesmom

Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.

I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

_the_feniks_

Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.

MrsSenecal

Im sorry you are having these issues, and if you need to ask, you probably know yourself that this isnt normal. I was in a marriage where we always worked different shifts and never made time for eachother. I ended up having a affair and left him. I didnt leave him for who I had the affair with, I left because I knew if I could have a affair than something was very wrong in my marriage. You need to think to yourself, "Is this how I want to live my life forever?"

ashandloggiesmom

Yeah, I know it's its not probably normal, but I wonder how common it is... I feel bad, he's a good guy otherwise. It just stinks cause isn't that part of the reason we get married, to not be alone and to be around someone we love? Thanks guys

MrsSenecal

Thats exactly why. Someone who can be your life partner.

born2drum

SOunds like a staitway to misery. You need a social life as do your kids. COmmunication is important without it, your fuk'd.

Kai81109

It is probably something that happens to everyone.

Cp731

its quite common.
that's why most marriages end with Divorce.
one partner just doesnt meet the needs. blah blah

I feel bad for the kids.
your grown, talk to him and if his behavior doesn't change...sadly you'll need to walk away
he's grown, he knows what it takes to make you happy, clearly his role in his family is lost.

whierd

It is time to seek marriage counseling.

NormInv

I know so many such marriages. Hence, I am afraid to get married.

MyChocolateDiet

He just sounds really really super tired. :frown:

TeachTheGirl

It happens, but if it's an issue for you, it needs to be addressed. You can't keep yourself unhappy just because it might be normal 'for some'. You deserve to enjoy your marriage too. Chances are, he doesn't even know there's anything wrong.

Feel free to add me as a friend or shoot me a message if you need someone to vent to.

mockchoc

There is no such thing as normal firstly. Secondly it's not a reason to break up, marriage is about working things out so ignore anyone who says otherwise. Try everything you can first. Talk to him about it more and if it doesn't work suggest seeking help. The other thing is to find a life outside the relationship, he may just be exhausted for real but you can get on with your life and your friends/hobbies without him.

Achrya

He just sounds really really super tired. :frown:

Nope, Dbag. They should just break up



Edit: AmIdoingThisRight?

Karrie262

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would try a very careful approach. Try to get him to open up to you more about what's going on in his head and try to work a solution. If this doesn't work then, yeah, I'd say try marriage counseling. This is not an easy situation to be in and you do need your own social network. I hope it all works out for the best for your family!

Cp731

He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does.

you also said he is on the phone or comp when he's awake. He sounds rather disconnected to me

SoViLicious

Not normal. I understand being busy and having a hectic life, but that is when we force ourselves to slow down and focus on the important people in our lives. I think you need to talk to him and if it does not work perhaps counseling.

Cp731

I know so many such marriages. Hence, I am afraid to get married.

too bad we arnt neighbors. we could sit on the front porch and watch everyone around us be unhappily married

ashandloggiesmom

Yeah I feel bad for all of us. I have tried talking to him, he thinks I'm just being a nag.

Cp731

Yeah I feel bad for all of us. I have tried talking to him, he thinks I'm just being a nag.

that's what he wants you to think so you'll leave him alone and let him continue to do as he pleases

Jagkat

It happens. Try doing nice things and giving him more attention like rub his feet, flirt, foreplay a longer time before doing the deed and go slow. Sometimes when you give they start giving back. Best thing is to go away for a night or 2 without the kids. You would be amazed how much that helps.

Laces_0ut

reading this makes my heart very sad. i truly hope you find a way to be happy.

cspong

I'm really sorry to say, but my husband has a physical job, and even when he's on nights he makes time for us. We have a really really close relationship though, and I know a lot of people aren't as close as we are (our brains are connected or something, haha). But, he does make time for us, and plays with us and helps out where he can.

... I could understand a marriage with less attention than my husband gives us, but almost none? Nope. Not okay.

NormInv

I know so many such marriages. Hence, I am afraid to get married.

too bad we arnt neighbors. we could sit on the front porch and watch everyone around us be unhappily married

In for ridiculing marriages from the front porch with beer and chips.

randyfugate

The drinking is a curious and unfortunate thing. Self medicating for some deeper ugliness perhaps? Weve all been in those dark places in our lives and each have to choose how to respond and endure. Drinking is as you are aware not the way to cope and neither is pills or overeating. Find a babysitter and loose the alcohol for an entire weekend and have the conversation you know must be had. Either he's going to be all in with you and the kids or he not. If not, kick him to the curb! Find someone who will be your mate, your best friend, your lover and a father to the little ones. You guys need professional counseling, prayer and an unshakable commitment to each other. Hiding in a bottle is not the place to be and ill bet when faced with the prospect of loosing his family, for real, he will choose differently. He changes or he doesn't, either way you win and so does the kiddos.

aloranger7708

Yeah I feel bad for all of us. I have tried talking to him, he thinks I'm just being a nag.

that's what he wants you to think so you'll leave him alone and let him continue to do as he pleases

This.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

He just sounds really really super tired. :frown:

I agree with this.

For years growing up this was my parents' marriage. My dad worked really long hours and he would be asleep in his recliner as soon as he got home. Eventually he changed careers and their marriage is much happier, but they did get counseling for awhile.

If you're unhappy you have to find a way to change that. Maybe it means counseling for both of you, or maybe just for you. Maybe it means you go out and make some friends (I'm a Navy wife and deployments would be awful if I didn't have a close group of friends) or take up a new hobby.

I think whether it's normal is kind of irrelevant. You want things to change, and that's the relevant bit.

cspong

Oh! There was a period my husband went through when he was a little like this. We were under some strain, and it turned out he was actually depressed.

One of the biggest helps was me doing things that interested him more, so he could have his time with us and to have some time to enjoy himself in his own hobby and really talking to him in a way a counselor taught me:

Think through what you would like to get out of the conversation and how important it is to you. Put yourself in his shoes to try to get a better understanding of his feelings. Realize neither of you has the upper hand, it's a partnership.

Then use "I" statements. "I feel _____ when we don't spend quality time together. I would love it if we could _______. I think it would be helpful in this way. What do you think?"

And be open/encourage discussion and negotiation.

Once we learned how to communicate better (my hubby picked up on the template and uses it on me now, lol) thats when we really started to get close.

TinaBaily

Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.

I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

Hi ashandloggies, I was a stay at home mom of 5 for 17 years. There were years when we didn't seem to have much time for the two of us, but it was important to us to make that time, even if it meant grabbing half an hour to sit down for a chat after the kids were in bed before we went to bed ourselves, or renting a movie to catch on the VCR. (Yeah, we've been married a while...will be 25 years this November!) It sounds to me like you both really need to make an effort at communicating. I would never say your marriage should end, and those who are saying so kind of scare me because they would all too quickly leave a marriage that is still viable. One gets married for better or for worse, and while abuse should never be condoned and is a good reason to end a marriage, feeling lonely is just one of those bumps in the road that is your marriage.

It's time to get back on the road with your husband and talk this through. It might mean seeing a marriage counselor, but if you are both committed to each other, you CAN make it through this slump. It isn't easy staying home and watching the kids. It also isn't easy feeling the pressure of being the sole breadwinner for the family, and especially so in this current day of many layoffs and job losses. He probably doesn't realize how lonely and forgotten you feel, and you may not realize that he feels stress over his situation and spending time with his buddies is one way he can find to relax. Certainly there is a happy medium here that you both can find through communication and exploration of your feelings together. I wish you both the best of luck!

Also, it might help if you can find a way to get out of the house without the kids once in a while together as well as separately. Not having friends in your area is not a healthy way to live. Friends are the extra spice of life, and having them can make life even happier. You can find ways to connect with other moms at your local parks, story time at the library, volunteering at your children's school, if they are old enough to attend yet, or even through your church, if you attend one. It really helped me when I joined a mom's group at my church. We were all mothers with young children and met once a week to talk about pre-chosen topics, and we had childcare during our weekly sessions. At that time in my life, it was a huge lifesaver for me. I made a lifelong friend through that group, too.

Again, I wish you the best of luck. Your marriage sounds like it is definitely able to be saved. It will just take a little effort. Hang in there!

NormInv

My serious answer: I think the guy is now starting to look at wife and kids as responsibility and not 'down time'. He consider his truck and his beer as 'down time'. The OP has to change the dynamic so she is 'down time'. This is not to suggest that it should all be fun and games, but do not become a responsibility explicitly.

I think if she gets a job, and is outside and has her own circle of friends, and is less dependent on him, he might take more interest. May not be feasible with very young kids but could be down the road.

He should still be spending time with the kids so if he is not then he is not being a good dad.

Hexahedra

Get marriage counseling, maybe it's not too late. I'm not gonna defend what he does, but certain jobs are so demanding both physically and mentally that one just wants to sleep or destress (with purely fun mindless stuff) in one's free time. He needs to know that his obligation doesn't stop with providing money, if he can't also be a good father and husband then perhaps it's time for a different (less demanding) job. It might pay less, which could mean that you need to get a job and pick up the slack financially.