Is my marriage normal?
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He might have a medical problem as to why he's so tired. Ask him to schedule a physical. Most guys neglect it.
My ex-fiance was like this, granted we didn't have any kids, but he hadn't had a physical for 6 years when I finally got him to get one.
Other reasons caused our breakup so don't think he found a medical problem and that's why I left him because that's not true. Anyway, I think your husband should go for a check-up before you try to figure out how to fix this.0 -
Yeah I feel bad for all of us. I have tried talking to him, he thinks I'm just being a nag.
Maybe he doesn't know what to do? I know I was really tired for a long time before I figured out what it was. Men sometimes don't like not knowing how to fix something and who knows it might be hard hearing it at that point. But really until then you need support and should get some friends who get marriage and won't ridicule you. Find wives on here, there are all kinds. Look through the groups or just keep an eye out for one's that are like you.
Everyone's marriages are different but none of them are perfect but lot's of them are worth keeping and working on when times are rough. You'll figure things out in the meantime you sound pretty astute and also responsible so just stick to that until the answers seem obvious.0 -
I know so many such marriages. Hence, I am afraid to get married.
too bad we arnt neighbors. we could sit on the front porch and watch everyone around us be unhappily married
In for ridiculing marriages from the front porch with beer and chips.
I have an awesome front porch to sit on!! Come on over!
On a more serious note, this is a typical marriage, but that doesn't make it a happy one. If he doesn't want to talk about anything with you, doesn't want to try and doesn't see that his behavior bothers you, then the problem isn't you. Partnership requires both to give equal effort. If I were you, I would seek a counselor, and if he refuses to join you, the answer is clear.
I'm sorry that the kids are losing out on important bonding time with their dad. Not to tell you what to do in your life, it's ultimately up to you. I went through this myself about 2 years ago, and I had to leave the kids' father. He ended up having to be more of a dad to them, since he was on his own for part of the time. It has, for better or worse, forced him to be a part of their lives.
I have had a tough two years learning how to be a single mom, how to survive without a partner, but it's satisfying that the decisions are my own now. I don't walk on eggshells for anyone, I don't cater to someone who doesn't take the effort to reciprocate, and I am more confident now. I wish you the strength and the courage to either work through this and make the marriage work, or make the decision to end it. If you want to friend me, I will gladly accept.0 -
Anybody suggest that this is his obligation is wrong because we dont like obligations, chores ,errands. She should be the recreation.0
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I know so many such marriages. Hence, I am afraid to get married.
too bad we arnt neighbors. we could sit on the front porch and watch everyone around us be unhappily married
In for ridiculing marriages from the front porch with beer and chips.
i'll be drinking Green Juice, but please pass the chips.0 -
I know so many such marriages. Hence, I am afraid to get married.
too bad we arnt neighbors. we could sit on the front porch and watch everyone around us be unhappily married
In for ridiculing marriages from the front porch with beer and chips.
I have an awesome front porch to sit on!! Come on over!
In x20 -
There is no such thing as normal firstly. Secondly it's not a reason to break up, marriage is about working things out so ignore anyone who says otherwise. Try everything you can first. Talk to him about it more and if it doesn't work suggest seeking help. The other thing is to find a life outside the relationship, he may just be exhausted for real but you can get on with your life and your friends/hobbies without him.0
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There is no such thing as normal firstly. Secondly it's not a reason to break up, marriage is about working things out so ignore anyone who says otherwise. Try everything you can first. Talk to him about it more and if it doesn't work suggest seeking help. The other thing is to find a life outside the relationship, he may just be exhausted for real but you can get on with your life and your friends/hobbies without him.
This is a fact ! After our 34 years of marriage to include many years in the US Army, we have had all sorts of issues arise that we have worked through over the years.0 -
Maybe not what you want to hear but I did have a marriage like this. I left him. My child is important. My happiness is important and I left. I am much happier. Everyone is different maybe he is unaware of this and you need to bring it up to him. Also make time for you. get a pedicure or something to get YOU out and have a life.
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Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.
I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.
Hi ashandloggies, I was a stay at home mom of 5 for 17 years. There were years when we didn't seem to have much time for the two of us, but it was important to us to make that time, even if it meant grabbing half an hour to sit down for a chat after the kids were in bed before we went to bed ourselves, or renting a movie to catch on the VCR. (Yeah, we've been married a while...will be 25 years this November!) It sounds to me like you both really need to make an effort at communicating. I would never say your marriage should end, and those who are saying so kind of scare me because they would all too quickly leave a marriage that is still viable. One gets married for better or for worse, and while abuse should never be condoned and is a good reason to end a marriage, feeling lonely is just one of those bumps in the road that is your marriage.
It's time to get back on the road with your husband and talk this through. It might mean seeing a marriage counselor, but if you are both committed to each other, you CAN make it through this slump. It isn't easy staying home and watching the kids. It also isn't easy feeling the pressure of being the sole breadwinner for the family, and especially so in this current day of many layoffs and job losses. He probably doesn't realize how lonely and forgotten you feel, and you may not realize that he feels stress over his situation and spending time with his buddies is one way he can find to relax. Certainly there is a happy medium here that you both can find through communication and exploration of your feelings together. I wish you both the best of luck!
Also, it might help if you can find a way to get out of the house without the kids once in a while together as well as separately. Not having friends in your area is not a healthy way to live. Friends are the extra spice of life, and having them can make life even happier. You can find ways to connect with other moms at your local parks, story time at the library, volunteering at your children's school, if they are old enough to attend yet, or even through your church, if you attend one. It really helped me when I joined a mom's group at my church. We were all mothers with young children and met once a week to talk about pre-chosen topics, and we had childcare during our weekly sessions. At that time in my life, it was a huge lifesaver for me. I made a lifelong friend through that group, too.
Again, I wish you the best of luck. Your marriage sounds like it is definitely able to be saved. It will just take a little effort. Hang in there!
This is very good. Lots of wisdom here. OP, you need friends and a life too. Yes, husband needs to be plugged in you and the kids, but don't rely on him 100% for your happiness. I hope you two can work together & get back on track. My husband & I have had our ups & downs in our 30 yrs together, and there have been times where we weren't as close as we should've been. But we fixed it and I hope you two can too. Good luck to you.0 -
Wow, your story described my first marriage! And that is the reason he is my ex! He never had time for me or our son. When he was home he slept or did his own thing and was grumpy, because he worked a physical job. Used to tell me I didn't really work because I was in an office all day! I hope that things get better for you because I have been there and know how lonely you feel. Just remember that he is the one losing out and missing what's important!0
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I see this happen a lot, but that doesnt make it normal. If you are feeling this strongly about it, it needs to be addressed. If it continues to get ignored the problem will not go away, but it will get worse. You can fix something you dont know is broken, and he might not even realize he is making you feel this way. A marriage is a partnership, as is any relationship. It takes two people putting in equal effort and if you arent getting back what you are putting in then the relationship is kind of one sided. Talk to him, work on it, couples couseling, whatever it takes. But you are fabulous and deserve happiness, we all do! Good luck!
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If your asking this question then no.0
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Maybe I'm the weird one, but my marriage isn't all negative like some of these posts describe.
My husband is super busy. He works full-time second shift doing some hefty labor, and then goes to college full time on top of that AND helps run a fencing club out of the business I co-own. There are days all he can do is sleep or play video games, but it is certainly not all the time. We fight hard to get our alone time, and we try our best to enjoy those few moments we manage to get them.
My point to the OP is this: If my husband can find time for me, your husband can find time for you. If he's not willing to do that, he doesn't deserve you. Talk to him, be straight up, no passive aggressive stuff. Best of luck.0 -
Could he be depressed? 2 most challenging things I find in living as a family: raising a kid and keeping a marriage vibrant.0
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For a lot of men, "spending time together" is just being in the same building, even dong totally different thing. In his mind, he might think he IS with you and the kids and spending time with you. (Or maybe it's just all the engineer guys I know that are like that, and it's an engineer thing?)
Most ladies, however, think that spending time together means doing the same activity at the same time with someone.
His view on 'spending time together' might be perfectly normal for some men. That part that is wrong is him not willing to change to meet your/the kids needs. (I assume you explained to him that you and the kids are Not feeling together with him, but feeling ignored.)
Communication is important to both come to agreement of spending time together... and counseling might be helpful.0 -
What is his job?
My hubby's job is physically and emotionally draining.
He needs to nap on his off days and needs time and space to decompress.
Having young ones at home can be very isolating.
I would encourage you to seek out other moms through community play groups, library activities etc. and also find time to do something you enjoy as a women/person/adult.
All these things helped me survive the young years until they got into school and I started to have more "me" time and they weren't quite as needy anymore.
That being said, your marriage should be a partnership where you both give to each other.
If that's not happening, then I agree change is needed.
Start by speaking to him when you are both calm and he is well rested (and the kids aren't pulling on you).
If that isn't helpful then you may want to consider counseling.
If he isn't willing to go, then go by yourself to help you figure this all out.
I hope you find the help you need 0 -
There is no "normal" marriage. He has to understand that there is a problem 1st and know that you are serious about addressing the issue. If he thinks you are going to allow him to act this way towards his family with no consequences then he will continue because it's easy.
Usually there are issues on both sides that aren't being addressed and it's not usually as one-sided as it seems. Counseling is the best thing for this. Marriage is hard. There are really good times and really dark times, but if he is willing to acknowledge an issue then there is a chance.
Keep your head up and have a serious talk with him and let him know that you are serious that your marriage needs to change. Especially for the kids, you have to be strong for the kids...they deserve to live in a home where the parents work together thru issues and love each other even when it's one of those dark times.
Good luck!0 -
Being a good husband and a good father are obligations. If you don't naturally enjoy them and can't (or won't) learn to, then you are bound to fail. Wives can't be expected to provide full entertainment.Anybody suggest that this is his obligation is wrong because we dont like obligations, chores ,errands. She should be the recreation.
Marriage is work, it demands serious attention just like any other job. In real life things don't just effortlessly fit together and run smoothly. Just like any job, if you learn to enjoy it you will succeed and lead a happy life.0 -
He just sounds really really super tired. :frown:
I agree with this.
For years growing up this was my parents' marriage. My dad worked really long hours and he would be asleep in his recliner as soon as he got home. Eventually he changed careers and their marriage is much happier, but they did get counseling for awhile.
If you're unhappy you have to find a way to change that. Maybe it means counseling for both of you, or maybe just for you. Maybe it means you go out and make some friends (I'm a Navy wife and deployments would be awful if I didn't have a close group of friends) or take up a new hobby.
I think whether it's normal is kind of irrelevant. You want things to change, and that's the relevant bit.
Great post.
In all honesty, it sounds like he works a lot, so when he gets home he needs/wants to unwind. And he has probably gotten used to "doing his own thing" over the years and now you are wanting things to change. I think that guys are often oblivious to problems such as these, so while you are very unhappy, he may just be content and not wanting to rock the boat.0 -
Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.
Agreed
Sucks what ur goin thru OP, hope it gets better somehow : /0 -
Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.
This0 -
more common then we care to think. My marriage went off the track for almost the same scenario except I worked shift work on top of him being overly consumed with owning his own haulage truck. He was also the mechanic for the truck. So he really had NO time. He also drank on the weekends, so if he did have a few minutes rest, it went to drinking. I also had no time because i worked full-time and overtime on the weekends. When I finally had a few minutes it went to housework and taking care of our daughter. We were both overly stressed out. Recipe for disaster and everything eventually fell apart. Not the only reasons we're apart but that would be a big part of it.
ETA I also had no one to talk to at the time and perhaps that may have helped, who knows....OP add me if you like :flowerforyou:0 -
He just sounds really really super tired. :frown:
I agree with this.
For years growing up this was my parents' marriage. My dad worked really long hours and he would be asleep in his recliner as soon as he got home. Eventually he changed careers and their marriage is much happier, but they did get counseling for awhile.
If you're unhappy you have to find a way to change that. Maybe it means counseling for both of you, or maybe just for you. Maybe it means you go out and make some friends (I'm a Navy wife and deployments would be awful if I didn't have a close group of friends) or take up a new hobby.
I think whether it's normal is kind of irrelevant. You want things to change, and that's the relevant bit.
^^^ This is really good advice.
In the 20 years I've been married, it's gone through many changes. There have been times when we've started to feel more distant, mostly when I was taking care of our boys when they were small, while he was working long hours. The problem was a combination of my feeling socially isolated and him needing to prioritize better. The trick is, when you can feel things in the relationship start to slide, work on fixing it before it just gets worse. It takes open communication and effort from both parties, but it's worth it. If the communication piece isn't happening (it sounds like that could be a problem with your marriage, that he's not realizing that this issue is as serious as it is to you), it could help to see a counselor. You may need to go through a few before you find one that works for you. I've seen a number of marriages come out stronger than ever and get through much worse. But, it does take dedication from both parties and work both individually and together.0 -
I just reread the OP and realized that she says that she has no friends. That is very likely part of the issue as well. You are needing some adult social time and since you do not have any friends in your area, you are placing the obligation on him. So it is a combination of his lack of prioritization and your lack of a social life that is making you feel this way, in my opinion.
Counseling should do wonders for you. He sounds like a decent guy, just a little inattentive.0 -
I've been married 10 years and our relationship has gone through phases, including one similar to what you are describing (except my husband doesn't drink).
Remember the things you would do before kids, and when you were falling in love and see if you can rekindle some of that by getting a sitter and doing one of those fun activities.
Also, it's hard to find the right 'time' to talk about things, stick with your gut instinct and really listen to yourself. And if you can find a therapist, even if just for yourself at first. It helps having that extra soundboard to mull over thoughts, and an impartial listener that remembers things and can remind you of previous & current links.
Best of luck.0 -
He didn't sign up to be a babysitter when he decided to have kids, he signed up to be a father. If he's home on the weekends, tell him he needs to watch the kids and go out and spend time on you. Join a meetup, make some friends. Then at least you're getting some happiness that doesn't start and end with him.0
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So I guess I have 2 questions for you OP.
1. Have you told him how unhappy/sad you REALLY are? I've found in my own relationship when I expressed how lonely I was that helped and made him take a step back and think about his actions.
2. You say he works a lot. Have you considered maybe asking him to take a Vacation? Go somewhere nice as a family. Take a break from day to day ordeals.
So sorry to hear you going through this. I went through this myself once and I know how painful it is.0 -
My dad had a physical job and he was out in the freezing cold all 8+ hours a day in winter and unbearable heat all summer. He always found time for my brothers and I as well as my mom. I definitely suggest counseling.0
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Communicate!! It seems like right now you are both starting to get into a comfort zone of living separate lives. You are the mother and home maker, he is the financial provider... and you are just sort of sharing space. And the longer you do this the more you will get used to it and the harder it will be to become a unit again. I went through something very similar with my spouse. We were really just sharing space and having sex when he wanted to. I finally began to feel so abandoned and hurt that we separated. We were separated for a year,and are just now seeing if we can work on our distance issues and come together again and be IN LOVE again. It is so hard. And we are working so hard. So we will see if we can do it! Don't let it get that far. Work on it now. Talk more.. Make more time. Tell him exactly how you feel. Ask him how he feels. Just speaking from my experience, I hope I'm not out of line!0
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