Is my marriage normal?

Caddell

As someone who was the guy in this situation, it sounds like he is depressed. He could also have a number of medical issues ranging from Thyroid to Diabetes to a Vitamin D deficiency to any number of things. For me, it was depression and Vitamin D. I was working two jobs, had very little time for friend, didn't have any family local to me, and got stuck in a cycle of being unhappy and not wanting to do anything. I don't have children though. Eventually my wife was able to get me to counseling. Unfortunately it was too late to save the marriage but now she and I are very good friends. It was not easy accepting things so you will have to be patient with him, but not too patient. Eventually you have to make sure you are taking care of your own happiness so that you can be the best parent you can be for your kids.

sweebum

It is and it isn't. My DH works about 60 hours a week. I run my own businesses and stay with the kids. He makes time for us. I eat dinner at 9pm most nights so he has someone to eat with. We work on our computers together. I travel to meet him for lunch. We are very protectful of weekends or time off. We schedule as much as possible, make sure the kids are in bed early enough to enjoy some time together.

Just talk to him, he likely has no idea.

Timshel_

I saw at least two other people mention this: Look into clinical depression.

I *was* that husband for a while. I felt like everything was hopeless, I was stuck in a rut and life had lost its enjoyment. I really hit rock bottom.

It took a lot of courage, opening up - both to my spouse and doctor - and other approaches, but I'm back being a hubby and dad again.

Male depression is not something to mess around with. Please look into it.

Yup. Was there last year. Taken me a lot to turn it around, but the wife and I are doing MUCH better.

EnviousDan

How much of this have you shared with HIM?

mommy3457

I would just talk to him about it. Have a heart to heart. But, here's the thing. You need to communicate to him how you feel kindly and with love. Guys automatically shut down when they are spoken to with disrespect. He could be depressed. Some guys struggle to talk about how they feel. He probably just needs to know that he can be open with you without condemnation.

XxYeaIrocxX

Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.

I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

Wow, you pretty much just described my marriage. Cept without the working all the time, and his job isn't a physical one......but he's constantly on his phone. and ignores me and our daughter. We literally just fought about this and well, we still are cause I'm finally just tired of dealing with it.
I hope things get better for you! Wish i had some advice for you =/

Kitwitch

I think before just giving up and leaving you two should go to marriage counselling together. This seems like a communication problem that can be solved. My father had the same issue when I was growing up and it really hurt me seeing him go to bed without talking to me. It really frustrated my step mother and they are now getting a divorce. If you love him try to fix the problem together. I know you guys can.

rhinesb

My marriage has had its ups and downs and this sounds like it can "potentially" be mired through. I say that as I've dealt with this before and my husband didn't even have a physical job just a mentally taxing one.

One of the biggest ways I solved our problem was I had to decide if I was going to stay with this person or if I was going to leave him. I practically begged him for attention. I finally decided that I just couldn't see myself leaving at this point in our marriage (only 8 months in to it) that we deserved to really give it a chance. Any ways, I decided to say f#%@ sitting around here waiting for his to realize he was ruining a good thing. So I got online and I found a mommy group to go meet with during the day while he was at work. I also figured out the library's kid stuff. (this should help you...you claim you have no one to talk to so that may mean that you are shy and/or neglecting your wants and needs by looking only to your husband to fulfill all your friendship needs.) What I realized was that my life was centered around my children, my home and my husband for all my entertainment...etc... So I truly had a sit down with myself and really looked at what I needed. So I decided to just treat him as a roommate. He didn't like telling me where he was going so I started not telling him where I was going. I made play dates. I made friends. Since he would sleep in on the weekends I started taking the baby for a walk in the park. Meeting the girls for a baby play date. It took almost a month for him to realize that I wasn't following him around like a puppy. All of a sudden he was missing me. Where I had now found happiness all of a sudden he realized that I wasn't there waiting for him at home. Maybe it was jealousy on his part or maybe it made him realize that he truly did like having me around.

So I found ME and in the process became a happier me. He got his act together and started putting forth some effort to pay more attention to me.

Not saying this will work for you but even if it doesn't it will give you the confidence to enjoy your life and not to wait around for him to lead the way.

fbmandy55

Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel.

Mine is the same way. He thinks is 4 hour a day physical job is more exhausting than my 9 hour a day job. Lots of men will always think their job is harder, whether it is or not!

Unknown

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jennrox78

Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.

XxYeaIrocxX

My marriage has had its ups and downs and this sounds like it can "potentially" be mired through. I say that as I've dealt with this before and my husband didn't even have a physical job just a mentally taxing one.

One of the biggest ways I solved our problem was I had to decide if I was going to stay with this person or if I was going to leave him. I practically begged him for attention. I finally decided that I just couldn't see myself leaving at this point in our marriage (only 8 months in to it) that we deserved to really give it a chance. Any ways, I decided to say f#%@ sitting around here waiting for his to realize he was ruining a good thing. So I got online and I found a mommy group to go meet with during the day while he was at work. I also figured out the library's kid stuff. (this should help you...you claim you have no one to talk to so that may mean that you are shy and/or neglecting your wants and needs by looking only to your husband to fulfill all your friendship needs.) What I realized was that my life was centered around my children, my home and my husband for all my entertainment...etc... So I truly had a sit down with myself and really looked at what I needed. So I decided to just treat him as a roommate. He didn't like telling me where he was going so I started not telling him where I was going. I made play dates. I made friends. Since he would sleep in on the weekends I started taking the baby for a walk in the park. Meeting the girls for a baby play date. It took almost a month for him to realize that I wasn't following him around like a puppy. All of a sudden he was missing me. Where I had now found happiness all of a sudden he realized that I wasn't there waiting for him at home. Maybe it was jealousy on his part or maybe it made him realize that he truly did like having me around.

So I found ME and in the process became a happier me. He got his act together and started putting forth some effort to pay more attention to me.

Not saying this will work for you but even if it doesn't it will give you the confidence to enjoy your life and not to wait around for him to lead the way.

I this!!

The_GingerBeard_Man

Like many have said before the key is to talk about it and get your feelings out in the open.
Try to start your sentences with, "I feel," so that it does not feel like he is being attacked. Ie I feel lonely most days. I feel like I need more physical and emotional attention…
Ask him if he is willing to change.

If you want a test to know if your relationship is health, try the David Burns Relationship Satisfaction Scale. It is a standard therapy tool to help gauge your relationship. I included al link to the test below but you can just google it if you don’t have word.
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=relationship satisfaction test david burns&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&ved=0CDsQFjAC&url=http://www.oaktrees.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/05/RelationshipSatisfactionScale.doc&ei=eUzkUfexGaSXigKCiYHABQ&usg=AFQjCNHWkhv2ZSsFK_9tuK3ea8KXeGnazQ&bvm=bv.48705608,d.cGE

plateaued

You are asking the wrong question. The right question is "Am I happy?"

If your feedback, for example, were that your marriage is normal, you would still be unhappy.

You need to open the conversation with H and get happy.

It sounds as if H is unhappy. Thus the excessive sleeping and drinking (both signs of depression by the way).

ohiogirl30

Sounds like you need marriage counseling. Try to look back over everything and ask yourself if you are trying to make him your everything. I know that sounds funny but he just can't be. You need interaction from real, tangible people that is meaningful. I feel like you cant expect your husband to be your "everything". You still need your own friends, your own hobbies, your own interests, and your own spiritual relationship with God. A marriage to me is about merging the two. You said, "his friends", working on "his truck". What about your friends and your hobbies. If you dont have any, find some. I would encourage you to pray for yourself and him then start getting involved in your church. Its hard, I know. Once he sees that you are enjoying life without him or regardless of the situation he may come around. Actions are louder than words and you will begin to enjoy life more. Good luck!!

mommy3457

Oh, just to add another thing. Be his best friend. It may take time, but build that friendship with him again. Sometimes, if I notice my husband is sad, I will ask him if he wants to go get ice cream. Be playful with him when he is sad. Say, "Hey, can I just tell you something?" And, then proceed to tell him what is on your mind. When you become best friends again, everything just is better.

erikkmcvay

When I was in my mid 20's and working in construction it was not uncommon for me to come home and pass out in my chair waiting for dinner. My wife was a stay at home mom and dinner was around 5:30pm. Sometimes she could not wake me for dinner and she and my daughter would eat alone while I slept in the living room. Later, 10-11pm I'd realize Iw as in my chair still and would go up to bed and pass out until 5:30am when I got, showered, ate and left for work again (I had a 1hr commute). My wife (now ex) slept in with the kids and never got up with me.

Was a wrong? Was she?

On the weekends I'd get up (I'm habitual) around 6am and make breakfast for the kids and then try to do things I was unable to do all week but I can't say I spent a lot of time with my wife.

In the same token many times I'd not fall asleep before dinner and would eat with them and watch TV (while passing out) with my wife at night -- I was so tired I couldn't stay away. I also lost 30lbs just from sheer physical exertion.

I think during that time she was often upset that I slept so much and felt I should pay her more attention and she never understood that her 'not being able to sleep in during the week' while I got up earlier every day, was enough of a reason for her to ignore me and sleep in on weekends.

So what is the solution? Pay attention to what the issue is and try to understand the exhaustion if it is indeed due to physical work and take every chance to make the time you share better then right now. Make an effort even if it's just getting up in the morning with him.

As for the drinking? I'm opposed to doing that to the excess and if it causes drunkenness and sleepiness then he ought to stop. It's one thing to understand when someone works hard but another entirely when they find drink more appealing then you!

Maybe try explaining that you can relate to and understand physical exhaustion but you can not and will not except drinking on the weekend as a good 'release' when you are right there and could spend quality time with him.

Something to ponder.

By the way, I got divorced from my 1st wife and am now married to someone who actually loves me and would understand if I was always tired (I'm not now because I don't work in a physical job).

blondageh

Sad. I wish you could find some friends to get out of the house with. You need an outlet as well! You will go crazy being in the house all the time with just kids.

I agree with what everyone has said. He's being an *kitten*. Is it normal? Probably a little bit. I think there are guys out there that are loving, caring, supportive husband and father's but I think they are few and far between. I think that you have to look at counseling etc to see if some how an outside source can intervene and make him see what an *kitten* he is being. Like being a SAHM isn't exhausting? Are you kidding me? :grumble: My thoughts are he knows damn well you depend on him from money and have no other options but to stay so why should he change? I would start thinking real hard about your what ifs if things don't change.

Like what if you did go out and get a job one day and put the kids in daycare? What IF you did leave and had to move into a 2 bed apartment with the kids or move in with family for a while? What if you did all that and maybe, eventually found some happiness again? I don't know? It is kind of a sad and scary process to even think about but I do it often and it always comes down to money for me.

Stupid money. Chances are, he won't change so I urge you to please find some happiness outside of the home. And I don't mean a man, I mean some fun stuff for YOU to get involved in. Just tell him you have been with the kids all day, he can watch them a night or two a week. That shouldn't be too much to ask at all.

rhinesb

Yeah, I know it's its not probably normal, but I wonder how common it is... I feel bad, he's a good guy otherwise. It just stinks cause isn't that part of the reason we get married, to not be alone and to be around someone we love? Thanks guys

This is more common than you think, i have been married for 15 years and we are very happy right now but it wasn't always that way. He used to work nights and even when he was home during the day he didn't spend much time with the kids and lets say our lives were a mess at that time. To be honest I almost ended our marriage because I had had enough, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and not hold anything back because if you don't you are going to have more problems. Let him know how you feel even if you have to yell, get it out don't hold it in and make your feelings known to him. I made the mistake of not saying anything when i was mad or upset and it almost ended my marriage so my best advice to you is talk, talk, talk because if he cares he will listen and hopefully it will help

I found the best way to talk to my husband was to write him letters. If we tried to have a sit down discussion he would always get upset and end up yelling at me and I would never be able to fully get through the issues. So I finally figured out that I would write a letter starting with why I loved him. Then I would get to what he has been doing lately and how it made me feel. I usually tried to end it positively. When we tried talking things out he just couldn't sit through it and truly HEAR me. But when I wrote it he would read every single bit of it from beginning to end. For some reason when someone writes you a letter even when it isn't what you want to hear you will still read every bit of it. And him reading it he would be able to think about what I said and it would really get him to understand and hear me out without yelling. I usually gave it to him when I knew I would not be around so that he could read it in private.

It was how I told him how I thought he might be depressed about his work. He was eating and drinking too much. Not spending hardly anytime with us. (this was about 5 years in to our marriage)

ryry_

While I appreciate all the people playing arm chair mind reader...I don't think anyone here can say what is going on. I wouldn't say it's normal, but its common.

Being an adult is hard. I've gone through some dark places as well. It's a hard transition, some handle it better than others. Sounds like he has a crazy hard job. It's physical labor, it may not be the highest paying (I don't know, not my business, but in general physical labor are not the highest paid jobs)? Supporting a family on his income can be stressful. I only have a wife, no kids, and it is stressful.

Guys (in general) need time to zone out and just relax. Not think about life for a while. Depending on your interactions, it may just be another form of "work" he has to do. The kids issue is a little concerning though.

If i had to guess based on the limited info, I would say he is not happy with his life as it exists right now, and he is dealing with it by avoiding it as much as possible. Its quite possible he could be depressed, either clinically or otherwise.

No easy answers unfortunately.

MyChocolateDiet

Okay okay can I try?

"I FEEL, like you are being a major a-hole right now"

"I FEEL, like you need to get your azz off the couch right now and help out a little"

"When you do that thing with your smacking lips I FEEL like smacking you upside the head"

"I FEEL like i'm the only one in the world right now with this problem, but other's have survived it with intact marriages"

"I FEEL like I would faint if anyone tried to drag me kicking and screaming into a counseling session"






unless if there's lap sitting involved...then sign me up!

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/863857/thumbs/o-COUPLES-THERAPY-COURTNEY-DOUG-121114-facebook.jpg

mommy3457

By the way, I got divorced from my 1st wife and am now married to someone who actually loves me and would understand if I was always tired (I'm not now because I don't work in a physical job).

I just kind of wonder this. So, please don't get mad for me asking. Did you go out of your way to make time for your first wife and love her? I mean, sure, she should love you, but maybe she felt you didn't love her. It is called the "crazy cycle." When we feel someone doesn't love us enough, we don't love them like we should. It takes two. Love is selfless. This kind of stuff interests me. I am married myself.

donafil

Not normal - Think the best approach would be to first make some time just for the two of you - leave the kids with someone you trust and take a few days (week end?) alone- not at home- and first let him sleep so you are both well rested do something fun and relaxing - tell him you miss him, miss the fun you used to have, miss his presence, help etc..don't tell him what you expect of him, just tell him what you miss about him- we all need to feel loved and needed (not used but needed)...

joleenl

My spouse is a workaholic. He works so much I don't usually see him at all through the week because he works 16 hour days. He use to barely make time for me on the weekends too until I left him for about 8-10 months 2 years ago. During our time apart he realized he either makes time for me (us) or he'll find unlimited time without me. Our separation was the best thing that ever happened to us. Now he is still a workaholic through the week, but on the weekends we are almost exclusively together. Granted on occasion I need girlfirend time or he needs to hang out with his friends so we allow for some of that too. Our system works for us... but then again we have no children and I don't mind being independent through the week. I don't know if this system would work for me if I had his children.

IMO he should MAKE time for you and his kids. His family should be his priority. You need to have a serious conversation with him about this and how you feel. From experience, it's hard to stay in love with someone who has no time for you.

Also, you need social time with your friends. I suggest you find a play group where your kids can play with other kids and you can socialize with adults. You need adult interaction not just from your spouse. Find some friends to help you keep your sanity. Find a hobby to get sometime away from your kids too - Put the kids in daycare, or trade time with another mom, or ask a family member to watch them.

MyChocolateDiet

Yeah, I know it's its not probably normal, but I wonder how common it is... I feel bad, he's a good guy otherwise. It just stinks cause isn't that part of the reason we get married, to not be alone and to be around someone we love? Thanks guys

This is more common than you think, i have been married for 15 years and we are very happy right now but it wasn't always that way. He used to work nights and even when he was home during the day he didn't spend much time with the kids and lets say our lives were a mess at that time. To be honest I almost ended our marriage because I had had enough, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and not hold anything back because if you don't you are going to have more problems. Let him know how you feel even if you have to yell, get it out don't hold it in and make your feelings known to him. I made the mistake of not saying anything when i was mad or upset and it almost ended my marriage so my best advice to you is talk, talk, talk because if he cares he will listen and hopefully it will help

I found the best way to talk to my husband was to write him letters. If we tried to have a sit down discussion he would always get upset and end up yelling at me and I would never be able to fully get through the issues. So I finally figured out that I would write a letter starting with why I loved him. Then I would get to what he has been doing lately and how it made me feel. I usually tried to end it positively. When we tried talking things out he just couldn't sit through it and truly HEAR me. But when I wrote it he would read every single bit of it from beginning to end. For some reason when someone writes you a letter even when it isn't what you want to hear you will still read every bit of it. And him reading it he would be able to think about what I said and it would really get him to understand and hear me out without yelling. I usually gave it to him when I knew I would not be around so that he could read it in private.

It was how I told him how I thought he might be depressed about his work. He was eating and drinking too much. Not spending hardly anytime with us. (this was about 5 years in to our marriage)

If I had to write my husband a letter to get my point across, it would be a Dear John letter.

Unknown

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glynda66

It is time to seek marriage counseling.

^^^^^^^^^AGREED^^^^^^^^^^

msweetamy

my husband has a physical job and he goes through cycles of doing this.

Start out small and continue slowly. I assume it hasn't always been like this, it can't change overnight either.

1. take into account how hot or cold it is - if he works outside or in a place that doesn't have heating/air conditioning, he will be REALLY tired. Maybe have an ice water/hot tea for him when he walks in the door. If he has to sit and drink it before heading to bed, he just might stay out of bed for an hour or two. But let him sit and relax for a little while. When his drink is almost empty is when you continue to the next steps.
2. ask him to do specific things that need to be done now or soon. Men are VERY literal. He just might not SEE where he can jump in and help you or play with the kids. This may take some prep from you to get him to see you NEED him to help. Ask him specifically if he can help your children build a fort out of chairs and blankets - while you're making supper and the kids are bugging you. Or ask him specifically to take out the trash because it's overflowing. It's like the old joke, where a woman walks into the house and sees a huge mess while the man walks in and asks "when did we get a brown couch?" I say ASK because you don't want to nag or boss, he'll be less likely to do it if he thinks you're ordering him around.
3. Entice him to do things WITH you by flirting, rubbing - a little tease.
4. Go out and have fun with your friends. YOU need some ME time as well. Arrange a week in advance and tell him that HE will have the kids. If he throws a fit about it, arrange for a babysitter. This again is pointing out that you NEED him to help. If you're always there and always doing everything, he doesn't have a reason to get off his *kitten*.
5. If all else fails - cry, whine, throw a fit - ANYTHING to get his attention. If he simply ignores you when you try the gentle persuasion above, resort to toddler behavior and see if you can get a reaction. Fighting is at least interaction and maybe some of what you say will sink in. Then go back to the gentle persuasion.

Sunshine2plus2

I am sorry. My ex husband was the same way, I talked to him told him we needed more time together but all was ignored so our marriage finally ended in divorce. Good luck hope you work it out.

KANGOOJUMPS

time to kick him to the curb, you deserve better
so tell him,