He called me fat..
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Surround yourself with kind, helpful, caring people as best you can. It is hard to leave a frienship, but in the long run it doesn't seem like you'll be losing much. I'd guess he is prolly really insecure and feels better about himself by pointing out his perceived flaws in others.
That being said, I think you showed immense strenghth and restraint. If I had been sitting there and one of my friends was humiliated in this fashion I would have gone all mama bear on his *kitten*. Prolly not on behalf of myself, but for someone I loved and cared for...oh HELL yes. Just be done with all the douchebaggery in entirety.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Sometimes people are nasty just to be nasty. Alcohol seems to have played a role, too. I'm proud of you for not completely losing it!! I would have.
In the middle of a dressing room in a big department store before prom back in high school my mom told me if I didn't lose weight I'd "pork out of" my prom dress. o.O0 -
What a JERK!!! I would have reacted the same way you did!!! I am so sorry.0
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First of all, you lost 14lbs so kudos to you! That is not easy at all. This guy sounds like a Grade A jerk and probably has some deep rooted insecurities if he feels the need to be that disrespectful to another human being. I am shocked your friend would tolerate him speaking to you that way. If my boyfriend did that, I don't think he'd be my boyfriend anymore. You definitely seemed to handle the situation as best as you could. Don't let this deter you from the amazing weight loss you have already accomplished! Keep it going and let this fuel your fire.0
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That guy sounds like an immature douche nozzle, and I wouldn't take anything he says and attach weight to it. Seems like he's the sort who's threatened by the relationship you have with his girlfriend. He's likely as abusive to her as he is to you, which means he's trying to debilitate her support system. If you see more of this behavior, or your friend talks to you about feeling demoralized, I'd advise her to get out. This situation really wasn't about you at all; it was about his girlfriend, and you played right into his hand by making your friend responsible for his behavior and telling her you wouldn't be coming to her flat anymore. Don't let this douche ruin your friendship...he's clearly of the psychologically abusive variety. I hope he won't be in your lives much longer.0
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there is a big difference in being able to laugh at yourself or share a joke between people in a similar circumstance and just being downright hurtful and mean and that was just over the line IMO..0
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He's a loser and probably secretly likes you. Don't sweat it, people like that are simply insecure in themselves and need attention from others! You are beautiful no matter what weight you are. God Bless Hun.0
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I think some new friends are in order!! She is a bit*h to say that kind of thing to you and he is an azzhole. Apparently being mean to each other isn't enough, now they need to take it out on others too. I say walk away. You don't need "friends" like that.0
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You could call his behaviour, jerkish, immature, insensitive - but nothing more. He may not have any idea he's really upset you. However, if his behaviour is, as you say, also directed towards his girlfriend then perhaps this girlfriend will one day need your support. If he belittles and criticises her, or is verbally abusive or abusive in other ways, that will have had a terrible effect on her confidence and she may not believe she can find anyone better (hence staying with him) or be afraid to leave. His behaviour may be slowly isolating her from her friends. You can certainly put the stoppers on your friendship with them, but consider telling your friend that any time she chooses to leave him the door is open for friendship again. I don't know if this is the situation - I may well be completely wrong - but it is not an issue anyone else has mentioned in their answers, and it's worth thinking about whether there is something to it.0
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@OP,
As much as I feel for your pain, I just feel compelled to point out that some people will just be A*holes. The alcohol usually just brings it out of them easier.
I know how my friends truly feel about me (the description they'd give a stranger if they were looking for me in a crowded store) and it hurts, but I'm here. You're here. Trying to make things better for ourselves, and frankly, to hell with everyone else...
This is about you. Your life, and your health. You're here for you, not for them, so let them be ignorant a*holes and ignore them. It should just prove to you the type of people you do, and you DON'T want to associate with. Friends by proxy are harder to deal with than friends themselves.
Your direct "friend" won't take your side in it over a boyfriend/husband for fear of losing them. Just don't get around him and be there for her when she finally figures out what a jerk he really is.
Peace,
Wayne0 -
Your friend's boyfriend sounds like an *kitten*. However, for your sake, is it possible that he was saying that just because the very overweight couple was around? Sometimes in a group setting/conversation, if there are people that have an overwhelmingly noticeable trait/characteristic (in this case the couple was very overweight) others will make jabs/'jokes' towards another person in the group that DOESN'T have such traits, in order to make those who do (very over weight couple) feel good or to sort of suck up to them, or relieve any awkwardness if there was any, etc (the possibilities list is endless).
In fact, when the scenario that I am describing happens, the person who is called whatever it may be (that the others in the group/conversation are- fat, ugly, pimply, etc) they are anything but what they are being called or poked fun at. I have seen this many times, on multiple occasions I have witnessed group interactions where there will be 'bigger' or chubbier people present and one person (or even two) will make comments to a non-fat, even very skinny person about how they are eating so much food or how they are pigging out or other comments of the variety that one would think the person should be saying to the overweight people.
Of course, the people at the other end (in this case the overweight couple) feel GREAT even though another is having such things that would be of accuracy if it were directed towards them, said to them. It makes them feel good for the attention on this subject to be on another person, especially if they are the opposite of whatever they are. This also makes the 'comment maker' or in this case your friend's *kitten* boyfriend, feel good as well, since he is causing the others to have this reaction.
Don't sweat it.0 -
Can we see a picture of "dave"? I bet you have one on FB or something. Since you are all "friends" or were. It will make this thread so much more fun, I bet. :devil:0
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GOOD FOR YOU for venting and for handling it the way you did.....my guess is he treats her the exact same way (as in, he clearly has no respect for women). Don't take it personally (yeah, I know that is impossible) but his unhappiness doesn't have to crush you and what you are achieving by being here. Put it behind you and be glad he's not your boyfriend!0
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Too bad you couldn't have found something he's equally sensitive about to retort back about. I suggest trying baldness, penis size, chicken legs, poor fashion, IQ, disability to drink w/o getting n00b wasted, or manliness in general.
Might as well think of something in case you see them again. I knew a guy who liked to make fun of all his fat friends yo their face but it was a different story if someone called him bald.0 -
Too bad you couldn't have found something he's equally sensitive about to retort back about. I suggest trying baldness, penis size, chicken legs, poor fashion, IQ, disability to drink w/o getting n00b wasted, or manliness in general.
Might as well think of something in case you see them again. I knew a guy who liked to make fun of all his fat friends yo their face but it was a different story if someone called him bald.
Don't worry, I'm working on it.0 -
This makes me sad, and for more than one reason.
First because this a-hole used you as the butt of his poorly conceived attempt at humor.
Second, because of the other people who laughed -- maybe because _they_ weren't the target, or because for some reason they want acceptance from the a-hole, or wish to get in his favor to avoid being his next target.
And lastly, for your friend, who thinks she can do no better than this piece of work.
I'm sorry you had to endure this.0 -
Thanks for your replies Ladies
And yes, my best friend and her boyfriend are exactly the same. He is an absolout a-hole to her aswell and has been for ages. She wont leave him though. Nor will she do much about him calling me fat either.
How awful for you and I think you handled it with class.
You are probably going to have to stay away from your friend in order to not have to deal with him. If she is not strong enough to stand up for herself she probably isn't going to be strong enough to stand up for someone else. From your description she sounds weak or insecure, not deliberately mean. Until she finds some spine or gets some help I doubt you will get support from her, so find a new BF and maybe, when she is able to be strong enough to stand up to him (which will probably cause him to leave) and apologize to you, you can recreate a friendship.0 -
Yes. I call her mother.
At my cousin's bridal shower one of her bridesmaids was talking about getting fitted for her bridesmaids dress. She is itty bitty skinny, the type who never worries about what goes into her mouth. She was saying that as she was putting on the dress the seamstress was pinching any fat she could find and telling her she could stand to lose another 5lbs. My mom, her eyes all huge, said as loud as she could "Telling you to lose 5lbs is like telling Becky to gain 5lbs!" It was so uncomfortable. My cousin and her friends kind of gave a polite chuckle.
Then. A little while later when my husband and I had first started dating we went to visit her. It was my siblings, her, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's mom. I had been starving myself, I had lost 40lbs. The topic of conversation came to my weight and how I was looking better. I said "I just can't believe how huge I was." Without hesitation my mom goes "You're still huge."
She gets upset when I confront her over this kind of thing. She's really a good person, and I think she has gotten much better since then. I don't know what was crossing her mind. She calls it constructive criticism and says she hates it that all of her kids are "so defensive" when she's trying to help us. I dunno. I love her very much. We've been through hell and back together.0 -
Cheer up hun and just get him back next time.
A really close guy friend of mine told me "You must be working out wrong because you seem a lot heavier than the last time i saw you" (despite actually being about 10 lbs less).... i still think its the most offensive thing he could have said to me ever... but i held my feelings until i got home and just replied with a "and when was the last time you hit the gym?" and rubbed his beer gut. he quit laughing and everyone else in our group thought it was hilarious.
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if my supposed "friends" said anything like that to me....i would never hang out with them again!!!...i have experienced something in public with a friend that has to do with my weight...a friend from church invited me to go eat with her...(mind you she knew i had lost weight and still going) and i decided to go with her...Sundays are my chill days where i will sometimes eat out or whatever...anyways....i was telling the waiter what i wanted and i wanted some fries (i hadnt had them in so long) i also was gunna share my fries with the kids...well i was like i want the shrimp and fish and i would like fries...she interrupted me and yelled wait...dont you want a bake potato....isnt it better for you??...i looked at her and said i dont care!!...i ordered them anyways....yeah my relationship with her is never the same....i forgive her and im nice to her cause we go to church together...but i dont really see her as a friend anymore and i WILL NOT be hanging out with her again...yep not a true friend and not worth my time....those people are not true friends...forget them!0
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Yeah that's a little tacky but maybe he didn't mean it. Sometimes I call my sister fatty and she's about 8stone ( 112lbs) Or be honest with yourself, are you overweight? Fat is just another word for it. It's just a word after all and maybe it was just banter. Maybe he shouldn't have said it but maybe it hurt you because it's true? If that's the case use it to fuel you and help you get to your goal.
Yes he did mean it. I've known him for 2 years and I know for a fact he meant it. Even if he didn't, it's not a nice "joke" is it? Be honest with myself? Yes of course I'm overweight or I wouldn't be here. If he'd have called me overweight then fine, yes I am. It would have been insulting but not as bad as what He actually said. Something tells me you didn't read my whole post.0 -
That guy sounds like an immature douche nozzle, and I wouldn't take anything he says and attach weight to it. Seems like he's the sort who's threatened by the relationship you have with his girlfriend. He's likely as abusive to her as he is to you, which means he's trying to debilitate her support system.
SPOT ON0 -
Great support and comments here. I have only one thing to add and it is the same thing I always told my kids (and remind myself) when you deal with insensitive bullish people. HIS comment and lack of sensitivity have NOTHING to do with you or your size. HIS behavior is all about HIM and HIS DEFICIENCIES! Perhaps not only his mind is small and he is making up for it by acting like a big one instead :drinker:
Be blessed, Be happy, Be motivated!
Deb
(always looking for friends : )0 -
Yes, I have been humiliated in a group before and nobody seemed to notice anything wrong with what was said. You know - the humiliation is really more in how you take what was said than in what was said in and of itself. The other overweight people in your group didn't seem to take it bad. I guess they aren't sensitive in the same way that you are.
I would have been more upset with somebody implying that I like to have sex (ewwwwww!) than in being fat. I know I'm fat; it's a fact.0 -
I haven't experienced that exact scenario but I DID have a best friend who's boyfriend was a royal a**hole and would constantly belittle her AND all of her friends. He would call HER fat and even cheated on her! I had a miscarriage around age 20 (which is a lot more common than I thought) and he called me out in front of all of our friends saying I had an abortion. Which I didn't, and I was already going through enough at that point. My BEST FRIEND didn't say a single word to stand up for me... nothing. I just sat there and bit my tongue, like the bigger person. It took me 3 years to finally kick em both to the curb cause her self esteem was too low to stick up for herself, leave him, or care enough to let him not treat her friends that way. I hate to say it -- but that might be the case here. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but sometimes you just have to cut your losses...
This very similar thing happened to me and my boyfriend of the time knew how insecure I was and my best friend at the time just let her boyfriend bash me and my boyfriend stood up standing a total of 6'7 and her boyfriend is 5'7 said "bro say one more thing about my girl and we gone fight in this house." and my friend turned to me and told me I was rude and my boyfriend ain't s*** and that I should have known her boyfriend was just playing by calling me chunky or porky or fat *kitten*.....lesson learned...THANK GOD!!!0 -
Sticks and stones, Stick and Stones.
Maybe you should have came back at him with something like "Well even the most sex starved fatty wouldn't F**k you" or something about his penis size, I am sure you could come up with something that would cut his psyche to ribbons.0 -
get rid of these people
^^^ THIS FOR SURE ^^^
Stick with people who *celebrate* you and *support* you, not ones that tolerate you.
I'm sorry.
On the other side of the coin, I saw my ex-husband (*EX* for a very good reason as you'll see) recently after losing 75 lbs. He told *me* that I now look scrawny, that I have a "chicken neck", and that I "don't look healthy". Hmmm. My doctor thinks otherwise ... as does my wonderful current husband. I can do more than I've been able to in a long time. The only issue is ... I guess it's not good because, at 58 almost 59, I don't look like I'm 21 ... which is fine by me.
So my point is ... this is much the reason why he's *ex* ... get rid of the people that aren't there for you NO MATTER WHAT. You and your time and your psyche and your self-image are worth more than that. 0 -
well, this should make you want to get thin then.0
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What and awful experence. You are teh better person for not saying somthign horrible right back to him and instead addressing with your friend aside. I hope you know that they arn't worth worryign about and that you can find better friends. Good luck meetign your weightloss goals.0
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well, this should make you want to get thin then.
I have already lost 25lbs in total, do you not think I am trying?0
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