Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss
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snickerscharlie wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
OP: Why?
Of all the things you've written here, this is the one that jumped out at me as the most subtle, yet the most telling.
I bet OP doesnt have the same access to her husbands accounts...3 -
This honestly reminds me of my oldest and best friend. Who I am periodically cut off from. Under her partners instructions. I think I represent everything he doesn't want her to be (single, independent, take no crap). She also now has no contact with her other best friend. We were a tight group at one point. I still think about her every day and what sort of life she has with him and their girls. It makes me heartsick.
There's too many red flags. He wants control over your body and what you do with it, including your appearance. You're not allowed to socialise (the him thinking you want to go clubbing is deliberately extreme), you can't have any privacy as he monitors all of your online accounts and phone (my friend isn't allowed to have Facebook). He gaslights you when you try to voice your concerns. He pretends to try and be better and manipulate you so you'll stay (my friend was often threatened with suicide if she dared leave). He refuses to have outsiders even attempt to help (therapy) showing he doesn't actually want to change or really see where the issue is with his behaviour. He refuses to leave when you've asked him to?! No. Just no.
Whilst it is perfectly valid for him to be allowed to have worries and anxieties about your relationship it is not valid for him to manipulate you or abuse you the way he is doing because of those concerns.
This isn't about your weight. This isn't about your friends. It's about his control of you.7 -
Omg I'm 5'4 and weigh( as of today) 179. Lose the weight!!! It's not healthy to be overweight at our height! He will just be happy to have a sexy wife, your sex life will be better, and he can always be involved in the journey. Make it a thing for both of you. If you allow him to guilt trip you, you'll gain more and regret it.0
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
While we were going through the worst of it, I told him repeatedly that it was emotional/mental abuse and it was unhealthy. He made me feel like I was nuts. He can switch to what I call "playing the victim" so quickly and then says things that make me feel bad and he gets me everytime.
im commenting after reading this so i dont know if anyone else has mentioned something similar.
but this right here is classic gaslighting. when someone makes you feel crazy and like your feeling arent real, it is called gaslighting. also he is using the technique called DARVO: you bring up an issue you are unhappy with and he Defends, Argues, then Reverses Victim and Offender. all the sudden he is the victim and you are left scrambling to defend yourself.
these are very common techniques used by narcissists/ abusers on their victims. op, please google all these terms to see if they ring a bell. you may need professional help.8 -
So I'm not sure of you're still around and reading OP, but hope you are and that you are safe. A few things...
I'd like to do what no one else has done so far, and explicitly name this. This is domestic violence. DV isn't just about physical violence - it is about all the emotional abuse, the manipulation, the controlling behaviors, the 'walking on eggshells', the fear, the power imbalance. He doesn't have to be hitting you for this to be 100% DV and 100% not ok.
You've also talked about not wanting to hurt your kids. So I'm a registered psychologist who works with kids, and unfortunately so much of my work is with children who have lived in situations like this. So here's a really blunt perspective: by staying when he is clearly needing to get help and flatly refusing to, harm is being done to your beautiful kids. They are learning to walk on eggshells, to fear. They are learning that this is what is normal in relationships. If you have a son, he is learning that it is normal for husbands to manipulate, to threaten, to control. If you have a daughter, she is learning it is normal for wives to walk on eggshells, to have to ask her husband's permission to do basic things like lose weight or see her friends and family. Are these lessons you want your kids to learn? Far better for your son to learn that his future partner deserves better than this. Far better for your daughter to see her mum standing up for her basic rights as a human being. It will hurt them if you leave, but it's hurting them so much more if you stay when things aren't truely changing.17 -
I don't take lightly any of the suggestions of emotional abuse and believe that may very well be the case, but one thing that strikes me is that Bob appears to be your very overgrown fifth child. He wants what he wants and will stomp his feet really hard until he gets it. You can either keep explaining and over explaining, or do what, Mama?
I will now very confusingly swing in another direction and wonder if you've tried doing any kind of outings or activities involving him and the kids, or maybe you guys do those all the time? Obviously you and the five kids are getting seriously cranky and it may be time to bundle everyone into the car and go do something small and fun (while hoping all five of them don't throw too many tantrums and ruin the day).
At this point, I'll get a bit weird and say I've seen some athletic men say they prefer a "soft" partner to kind of um... complement their body type. No idea if this is the case here, just thought I'd introduce another perspective. And even if it were the case, it doesn't mean he gets to have his way.
Oh, and next time he goes to the store, tell him to buy you something
Again, reading this all of this, I just feel like you're the only adult in this situation and need to find your inner strength and start acting accordingly. This will be to your advantage whether you choose to stay or leave.2 -
Have you tried telling him that you will, from now on, refuse to talk to him about your weight and that he is to never bring it up again? You could just try shutting it down. I love my husband deeply but I had to do that on one issue with him as well that I just couldn't handle. It was a different type of issue though.0
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With all the important and tough things a marriage has to face, weight loss seems like a really minuscule thing to be arguing about (considering you are not bed bound/morbidly obese). Seriously, if you want to lose weight just lose weight. Do the actions necessary to lose the weight and quit talking about it, considering he's a guy he might not even notice you are losing weight until you are halfway done. At which point he may see the benefit!2
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Maybe he's afraid other men will be more interested after you lose the weight. Since you have had recent marital problems, his fear could stem from paranoia that you will find someone else.
I agree with this. And I try to tell him all the time. I'm not leaving (unless I have good reason to). I'm not looking for attention from anyone but him. He just doesn't ever believe a word I say.
I am so torn. I feel like either I deal with this the rest of my life, or I have no option than to leave the man I love and upset our entire family.
Do you have a daughter? Watching your marriage is teaching her how a marriage works. You are her role model. So when she starts dating a man just like your husband with the control issues will you be ok with it? How can you convince her it's a bad idea if you are still in the same boat?
Do you have a son? He's also watching and will assume this is normal husband behavior.
I'm not saying DIVORCE RIGHT NOW!! But I'm am saying grow some balls. Have a sit down and tell him you have tried repeatedly to tell him the weight loss is for you and you are not having that conversation again. He is in charge of his body. You are in charge of yours. End of discussion.
Either he gets it or not. There are a LOT of red flags here and I strongly suggest you go to counseling and get your mind in a good spot to make the best decision for you and your children.
I hope it works out and you have a very happy life. Whichever way it goes.0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.
Oh. My. Gosh.
So much wrong with this. Please go to a counselor and see why there is so much wrong with this.
Are you in a happy loving safe relationship if you have to lie to your husband and say the doctor said lose weight?? You can't just decide for yourself to lose weight? That's not permitted???
I am so sorry you are in this relationship. It sounds very lonely and frustrating.0 -
This isn't a weight loss question; it's a relationship question. You're obviously very unhappy based on the initial post. Here's my advice, which will probably differ significantly from others here:
Start with you. Ask yourself why you're willing to stay with someone who doesn't value your opinion. Figure out the root cause of your self-esteem issues. Until you do this, you'll be unhappy even after you ditch your husband.7 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Can I ask what he looks like? I'm just wondering if maybe this is all based on his own insecurities, especially since you say that this has become more of an issue recently.
He's a little over 6', athletic build, handsome. I don't understand why he has issues with insecurity. He's definitely good looking!
If he is athletic then why doesn't he want you to be athletic also? Or are you athletic even at your current weight? Does he like curvy girls and is afraid you wI'll lose your curves? I guess I don't quite understand why he doesn't want you to lose weight?0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Can I ask what he looks like? I'm just wondering if maybe this is all based on his own insecurities, especially since you say that this has become more of an issue recently.
He's a little over 6', athletic build, handsome. I don't understand why he has issues with insecurity. He's definitely good looking!
If he is athletic then why doesn't he want you to be athletic also? Or are you athletic even at your current weight? Does he like curvy girls and is afraid you wI'll lose your curves? I guess I don't quite understand why he doesn't want you to lose weight?
It's not about the weight....10 -
He may feel threatened. Like if you get "better" you will leave. Of course that is his issue and not yours. The fact that he is not willing to get counseling says a lot to me and none of it is good.0
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?
It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.
That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them.
You wouldn't be hurting your kids. You'd be teaching them that people should be treated with respect and shouldn't stand for being treated like dirt. His behavior screams mental/emotional abuse. When your kids look at the way he behaves toward you, they are seeing how a man should treat a woman. Think about that for a minute.
I think that if he won't go to a therapist, you should go alone to figure out why you tolerate being treated in this manner. You deserve better than what you're getting from him.
I am a person who is obese. My husband still loves the way I look, and still wants to have sex with me. Still, he's very accepting of the fact that I'm going to be having bariatric surgery in the near future. He wants me to be healthier and happy. I'm currently having obesity related health problems, and losing the 90 pounds I need to lose would make me live longer.
If he doesn't want you to be healthy, then you have bigger problems than him being afraid of your leaving you. Seriously, call that therapist. You deserve to be healthy and happy, and a happy mommy makes for happy kids.2 -
There is a book that you could read called, "Walking on eggshells" you will see a lot of similarity in the people they are talking about. Your marriage should not be like this.0
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I was in a relationship like this and you are only stopping your children from healing the longer you stay. And I say this as a mother that saw her child blossom after I left when I too thought he would be more affected by not having a father. But it is a long road of hurt and healing and fighting for your rights as a human because once he realizes your not coming back through kindness and lies, more abuse and threats start for a long time (I still get letters almost 2 years later telling me his life and depression is my fault because I didnt fix it lol).
See a counselor, and trust me when I say he has so destroyed your self esteem, I mean your more concerned with his hurt feelings over something you know is controlling than YOUR hurt. Thats one thing I noticed post marriage, I actually cared what I thought and felt, I didn't spend every other day wondering how to squash down my feelings to accommodate another irrational humans.
Now if something bothers me in a relationship I say so and magically they respect me and stop, its not up to me to fix their behavior, compromise, or hold their hand through it because its not hard for a normal person to say 'ok that hurts you so I wont do it'. Mostly because theyre not trying to be the victim all the time lol
Ive been in your shoes and I know its painful and scary and you think your crazy most of the time because it makes more sense for you to be the bad guy. But there are people like this, and it rarely gets better and never without therapy.7 -
This is an EXCELLENT movie on body image the OP (and everyone else for that matter) should see:
https://www.facebook.com/embracethedocumentary/?fref=ts
Here is the trailer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAEI3DWfd3k
I saw the screening for this. It helped keep me focused on what's important in my journey to getting healthy inside and out.0 -
fitoverfortymom wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »I think with the exception of you having disordered thinking that drives you into unhealthy weight ranges the decision is ultimately yours. Maybe hubby comes second but no he wouldn't come first, you come first.
135 is medium-high BMI for her height. I hardly call that disordered thinking. The disordered thinking is her husband having the influence to convince her it should be 145, which is the highest end of her target BMI.
I don't think he's saying her thinking is disordered. I read it more like "Under these circumstances, you might consider someone else's opinion first, but if that's not the case, then don't.1 -
Sorry to say this but RUN as fast and far away from someone like this! I see all the red flags here and it's not good! I was married to somebody like that trust me when I tell you this!!! He's very controlling and he's trying to manipulate you into seeing what he wants you to perceive as normal there is a word for that it's called a narcissist!!! I'm sorry not trying to upset you but telling you how it is and the reason he does not want to go seek counseling is because he is afraid somebody will point out his controlling ways and then he will lose all control, I see right through him... peace1
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You need to love yourself before you can love others.1
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40 more lbs you are looking to lose. It's not actually that much. My opinion is it's your body your choice. What matters more than what he thinks is what you think of yourself. If you are not happy where you are then that is what needs to be said. I appreciate you love the way I look, but I just am not and so I'm going to continue to work on that.
I totally get his type of personality as my husband is one! Very challenging. He would fight with me about working out, walks, food, etc. I had to finally have the conversation where I said it is hard enough to muster the motivation to want to work out, to fight myself I do not need to fight you too. I need your support, I need your understanding, or to say nothing at all. To respect there are things I can't eat sometimes and sometimes I can't be around certain foods at the moment because they are too tempting. If I need to go for a walk either walk with me, but do not argue with me that I don't need to.2
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