Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss
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codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
While we were going through the worst of it, I told him repeatedly that it was emotional/mental abuse and it was unhealthy. He made me feel like I was nuts. He can switch to what I call "playing the victim" so quickly and then says things that make me feel bad and he gets me everytime.
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »I know a few men that think like this and it is just wrong! I debate this all the time. Some men, NOT ALL MEN, but some believe when you are married they have the last word. I think it has a lot to do with authority, control and ego (insecurities).
I have a friend that said her husband doesn't like her in a size less than a 10 and she stays around that size 10 mark. I personally think that you should wake up and be proud of yourself and like who you see in the mirror!
Thank you! That's what I mean. I don't want to "look good for someone else", I want to look good for ME. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes (and in my own skin!).1 -
If he won't see a counselor, you really should. They should be able to give you strategies to manage the situation differently. You can only change yourself and your reactions. It does sound like insecurity on his part.7
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I would say he sounds controlling and deluded.
You ARE overweight for your height (your BMI is 29.9, just a smidge under "obese"). You can hit him with the facts about how living a healthier lifestyle is important to you, your health and longevity, you can mention how your current BMI is evidence that you are at risk of certain chronic illnesses and diseases, etc. There are times when men need solid proof, evidence, facts, thrown at them.
There are also times when your partner should trust your ability to make choices for yourself and honor and respect your decisions. So... not sure what to say about that.
To be perfectly honest from what i've read he sounds emotionally immature and may benefit from some sort of therapy. Couples therapy may help as well.6 -
When women get married, they don't hand all their medical and health related decisions over to their husband. Losing weight or changing your diet or exercise habits is a decision about how you are takign care of your own body. It should never be your husband's decision.11
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
Oh my lord. All the red flags in the world.16 -
Maybe he's afraid other men will be more interested after you lose the weight. Since you have had recent marital problems, his fear could stem from paranoia that you will find someone else.
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rainbowbow wrote: »I would say he sounds controlling and deluded.
You ARE overweight for your height (your BMI is 29.9, just a smidge under "obese"). You can hit him with the facts about how living a healthier lifestyle is important to you, your health and longevity, you can mention how your current BMI is evidence that you are at risk of certain chronic illnesses and diseases, etc. There are times when men need solid proof, evidence, facts, thrown at them.
There are also times when your partner should trust your ability to make choices for yourself and honor and respect your decisions. So... not sure what to say about that.
To be perfectly honest from what i've read he sounds emotionally immature and may benefit from some sort of therapy. Couples therapy may help as well.
I've told him that I'm overweight. He says "no you're not" or "I love you exactly how you are - you're perfect - you don't need to change at all" etc. I've suggested counseling on multiple occasions - he is absolutely against it.
@nutmegoreo - I have been considering just making an appointment and going by myself.
@savithny - I agree. I am still doing my thing as far as my weight loss is concerned, it's just so hard when there are so many issues at home, kids involved, etc.1 -
Maybe he's afraid other men will be more interested after you lose the weight. Since you have had recent marital problems, his fear could stem from paranoia that you will find someone else.
I agree with this. And I try to tell him all the time. I'm not leaving (unless I have good reason to). I'm not looking for attention from anyone but him. He just doesn't ever believe a word I say.
I am so torn. I feel like either I deal with this the rest of my life, or I have no option than to leave the man I love and upset our entire family. 0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
While we were going through the worst of it, I told him repeatedly that it was emotional/mental abuse and it was unhealthy. He made me feel like I was nuts. He can switch to what I call "playing the victim" so quickly and then says things that make me feel bad and he gets me everytime.
This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.12 -
OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.5 -
codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I know a few men that think like this and it is just wrong! I debate this all the time. Some men, NOT ALL MEN, but some believe when you are married they have the last word. I think it has a lot to do with authority, control and ego (insecurities).
I have a friend that said her husband doesn't like her in a size less than a 10 and she stays around that size 10 mark. I personally think that you should wake up and be proud of yourself and like who you see in the mirror!
Thank you! That's what I mean. I don't want to "look good for someone else", I want to look good for ME. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes (and in my own skin!).
Let me ask you this, if the tables were turned, and you said the same exact thing to him, would he stop losing weight?2 -
so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.1
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OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.
If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though. 1 -
If what you are putting out there is right, whoa this sounds like a case of unhealthy boundaries. He's making your health issues about HIM. It's ok (and desireable) to say, "I love you no matter your weight." And completely different to say that only his opinion should matter.
But, to be fair, maybe you are mis-understanding him. It happens when there is problems in a relationship. I can speak to this, as my hubby & I have gone through this.
Yes, get marital therapy. There are some deeper issues here that need to be addressed.4 -
I have to agree with others, I'd say your husband is controlling..way too controlling. Get healthy for you . Go to counseling for you, you don't have to include him.3
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Let me ask you this, if the tables were turned, and you said the same exact thing to him, would he stop losing weight?
I honestly doubt it. He's the one that does what he wants without my having to keep tabs on him - that's not my thing. Ya know? I love him, but I also understand that he is his own person. I guess what I'm saying is - I would never say that to him...0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Can I ask what he looks like? I'm just wondering if maybe this is all based on his own insecurities, especially since you say that this has become more of an issue recently.
He's a little over 6', athletic build, handsome. I don't understand why he has issues with insecurity. He's definitely good looking!
I've seen this before.... My ex husband was like this. This may sound weird but he would say things like he's only friends with ugly people because he wants to be the best looking out of all of his friends. While I was losing weight in the relationship, he would turn on porn and say that if I only lost a little more weight, that I would be sexy. he even pointed out other women to me and told me that they were better looking than me.
As soon as I got to my goal weight though, he became extremely controlling. He always thought that if I dressed up nicely that it was for someone else. I couldnt leave the house to go to the library without being questioned. Once I liberated myself from his verbal control though things got worse.....He broke my nose- the dr said that if he had hit me once more I could have died.
I tell you this story to say Please get help, even if only for yourself. Do not accept this, and always trust your intuition. you are spot on.22 -
jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.1
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