Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff
Posts: 41 Member
Hey everyone. I'm a long time MFPer who needed a 'throw away' account to ask some questions, as I'd like to remain anonymous for some things.
My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.
It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.
For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).
What do ya'll think?
My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.
It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.
For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).
What do ya'll think?
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Replies
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No-one else's opinion should matter... including yours? TBH that sounds controlling and/or insecure. If you want to lose weight you do it for yourself, not to please someone else, and if you're not dangerously underweight already you should do what's right for you.27
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What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?
Have you asked him these two questions directly? I asked my husband something very similar regarding other issues, things changed when I pointed out that I was not feeling respected. He might think you're losing weight for him, but it needs to be pointed out that it's not always about him. It's wonderful that he likes your body as is, but it's your body and you get to have an opinion on what you do with it.13 -
VanVanDiane wrote: »No-one else's opinion should matter... including yours? TBH that sounds controlling and/or insecure. If you want to lose weight you do it for yourself, not to please someone else, and if you're not dangerously underweight already you should do what's right for you.
Thank you. That's how I thought it worked - or how I thought it should work. He has had some issues with control - hence the marital issues.
I tell him all the time, it's for my happiness - not to please anyone else or care about their opinion(s). Thanks again!2 -
It's not just for your happiness it's for your health too! Does he want you to have health problems?! Being overweight can lead to all kinds of health problems and even a shorter life.
Honestly his opinion of your weight shouldn't even matter- your opinion is the one that matters. He should be supportive of what YOU want to do for yourself as long as it is healthy.
Have you seen a marriage counselor or a therapist? Control issues like that are unhealthy and can become dangerous or turn into abuse. Your relationship does not sound equal or healthy at all.
Good luck.7 -
I am afraid that this is not how its supposed to work.
Your weight loss, your health, your well being, and your happiness is all about you, its really all yours to bear. Our husbands help us in time of need, supports us and lift us up. There is no one sided opinions, and there is certainly a time in his life when he feels that his decisions and choices are his own to bear as well. He is a man isn't he?
I understand why you guys may be having marital problems and getting to root cause for one what is wrong and secondly establishing each your own boundaries, you both are still each individials, but you share a commonality in which you unconditionally love each other.. this is where it will take care of itself if it is indeed unconditional.
there is never room for control or ego in a marriage.. if group therapy is not right for both, atleast get your own individual counseling for your self.5 -
MsAmandaNJ wrote: »What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?
Have you asked him these two questions directly? I asked my husband something very similar regarding other issues, things changed when I pointed out that I was not feeling respected. He might think you're losing weight for him, but it needs to be pointed out that it's not always about him. It's wonderful that he likes your body as is, but it's your body and you get to have an opinion on what you do with it.
I have asked him those questions directly - his answer is always "As long as I'm happy with your body, I don't see why you need or want to change it."
@courtneyfabulous & @RoxieDawn - thank you. I've suggested individual and/or marriage counseling - he said "No way. Never going to happen."
I continue on with my weight loss efforts and have lost about 40 lbs since Christmas of 2015. I just don't see why he thinks he needs to be in control of my weight.2 -
Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?2
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Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...1 -
An example. At times, my husband will say to me as I am getting ready to go out to dinner or something with him, "Honey, I think you look great You don't need to put on makeup/wear special clothes/jewelery." I always, always reply, "Okay, but I'm not getting dressed up for YOU, I'm doing it for ME, because **I** like to feel & look good."
**YOU** are the one who needs to be happy with your body and your appearance, for **YOU**. It sounds like your husband may have some self-esteem/trust issues going on. What do you think?9 -
along with what @jkal1979 said, I would ask him why he feels that only his opinion matters.
I feel like it's archaic of him to think that only his opinion of you is what's important. Your opinion of yourself is just as valid as his is. My fiance thinks that I look fantastic but he also understands that while of course I'm working out so that I can look good for him, I'm also working out because I want to look good for me. I've always struggled with self-confidence issues so this is something that's important to me and if I were you I'd be getting angry that he doesn't seem to respect that you're feeling a similar way.
I do get angry about it. Which sparks heated arguments. For a while we were literally arguing non-stop daily.
I think I get what he's thinking, but it still isn't right or okay. I think he thinks that if he 'loves' the way I look, then I should too. Then he proceeds to think that if he 'loves' the way I look, and I am still trying to look better, then it "MUST BE" for someone else. (It's definitely not for anyone else besides ME.) Grr... It's so frustrating.0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »MsAmandaNJ wrote: »What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?
Have you asked him these two questions directly? I asked my husband something very similar regarding other issues, things changed when I pointed out that I was not feeling respected. He might think you're losing weight for him, but it needs to be pointed out that it's not always about him. It's wonderful that he likes your body as is, but it's your body and you get to have an opinion on what you do with it.
I have asked him those questions directly - his answer is always "As long as I'm happy with your body, I don't see why you need or want to change it."
@courtneyfabulous & @RoxieDawn - thank you. I've suggested individual and/or marriage counseling - he said "No way. Never going to happen."
I continue on with my weight loss efforts and have lost about 40 lbs since Christmas of 2015. I just don't see why he thinks he needs to be in control of my weight.
You know, some men really might not like change all that much. It might not be about control at all, it might be a little insecurity on his part and his way of dealing with it with you.. If this is perhaps the only time he acts like this, then its not control at all..
And secondly men communicate differently, sometimes they get it perfect and sometimes they miss the mark, but never means they mean harm or foul. It comes with many many years in marriage (I have been married 20) so I get it.. LOL
You can always be eating less when he is around. He might not even notice or say anything for quite a while, and when you start losing weight, he can't force it back on you.. LOL it always works out the way its supposed to work out if you know what I mean.. Good luck2 -
An example. At times, my husband will say to me as I am getting ready to go out to dinner or something with him, "Honey, I think you look great You don't need to put on makeup/wear special clothes/jewelery." I always, always reply, "Okay, but I'm not getting dressed up for YOU, I'm doing it for ME, because **I** like to feel & look good."
**YOU** are the one who needs to be happy with your body and your appearance, for **YOU**. It sounds like your husband may have some self-esteem/trust issues going on. What do you think?
I've told him exactly that - that I'm doing it for ME. And I've told him that he has trust issues and that he is too controlling. We've been together 10 years [married 6] and only recently has this become as big an issue as it is.
He acts like I'm nuts when I say that he's being controlling. It's just so... ughhh.
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »his answer is always "As long as I'm happy with your body, I don't see why you need or want to change it."
@courtneyfabulous & @RoxieDawn - thank you. I've suggested individual and/or marriage counseling - he said "No way. Never going to happen."
I continue on with my weight loss efforts and have lost about 40 lbs since Christmas of 2015. I just don't see why he thinks he needs to be in control of my weight.
This is not meant to be awful.... even though it will sound this way. My 1st husband said that to me ALL of the time about marriage counseling. Clearly, he should have agreed to go with me, as we are now divorced.
And, he doesn't need to be in control of your weight. Be strong and come here for help and encouragement when it gets tough.
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You know, some men really might not like change all that much. It might not be about control at all, it might be a little insecurity on his part and his way of dealing with it with you.. If this is perhaps the only time he acts like this, then its not control at all..
And secondly men communicate differently, sometimes they get it perfect and sometimes they miss the mark, but never means they mean harm or foul. It comes with many many years in marriage (I have been married 20) so I get it.. LOL
You can always be eating less when he is around. He might not even notice or say anything for quite a while, and when you start losing weight, he can't force it back on you.. LOL it always works out the way its supposed to work out if you know what I mean.. Good luck
No, I know exactly what you mean - and thank you.
I don't think he's a bad guy at all. I love him dearly. I just think he does have issues with control, self-esteem, trust, insecurity, and all of that.
That's pretty much what I keep doing. When he buys me treats he knows I won't refuse, I bring them to work and ration them out over the week instead of scarfing down all of them at once.3 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
Um, yeah. This is definitely controlling. And jealous.
My husband was fine with my body before I lost the 18lbs I wanted to lose. But he was supportive of what I wanted to do because I wasn't comfortable with myself. I also go out with friends regularly because I need to be someone besides "his wife" and "my kids' mom". We are secure in ourselves and each other, that's what's important and it sounds like he's not secure in himself or he wouldn't want to control what you do.7 -
This is not meant to be awful.... even though it will sound this way. My 1st husband said that to me ALL of the time about marriage counseling. Clearly, he should have agreed to go with me, as we are now divorced.
And, he doesn't need to be in control of your weight. Be strong and come here for help and encouragement when it gets tough.
I appreciate the honesty. Things have been getting slowly a little better between us, but I always wonder when the next big blow out is going to happen. 0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.25 -
Can I ask what he looks like? I'm just wondering if maybe this is all based on his own insecurities, especially since you say that this has become more of an issue recently.
He's a little over 6', athletic build, handsome. I don't understand why he has issues with insecurity. He's definitely good looking!0 -
Um, yeah. This is definitely controlling. And jealous.
My husband was fine with my body before I lost the 18lbs I wanted to lose. But he was supportive of what I wanted to do because I wasn't comfortable with myself. I also go out with friends regularly because I need to be someone besides "his wife" and "my kids' mom". We are secure in ourselves and each other, that's what's important and it sounds like he's not secure in himself or he wouldn't want to control what you do.
I feel like it's controlling - and unhealthy. Unhealthy for both of us to live with and for the kids to see/hear.
When I said something about going out with friends, he [naturally] assumed I meant out "clubbing" or something and got mad. That is totally NOT what I meant. I meant like one of those paint / wine things or out for dinner with friends. Just OUT, not like to a club. -_-2 -
I know a few men that think like this and it is just wrong! I debate this all the time. Some men, NOT ALL MEN, but some believe when you are married they have the last word. I think it has a lot to do with authority, control and ego (insecurities).
I have a friend that said her husband doesn't like her in a size less than a 10 and she stays around that size 10 mark. I personally think that you should wake up and be proud of yourself and like who you see in the mirror!5 -
codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
While we were going through the worst of it, I told him repeatedly that it was emotional/mental abuse and it was unhealthy. He made me feel like I was nuts. He can switch to what I call "playing the victim" so quickly and then says things that make me feel bad and he gets me everytime. 0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »I know a few men that think like this and it is just wrong! I debate this all the time. Some men, NOT ALL MEN, but some believe when you are married they have the last word. I think it has a lot to do with authority, control and ego (insecurities).
I have a friend that said her husband doesn't like her in a size less than a 10 and she stays around that size 10 mark. I personally think that you should wake up and be proud of yourself and like who you see in the mirror!
Thank you! That's what I mean. I don't want to "look good for someone else", I want to look good for ME. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes (and in my own skin!).1 -
If he won't see a counselor, you really should. They should be able to give you strategies to manage the situation differently. You can only change yourself and your reactions. It does sound like insecurity on his part.7
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I would say he sounds controlling and deluded.
You ARE overweight for your height (your BMI is 29.9, just a smidge under "obese"). You can hit him with the facts about how living a healthier lifestyle is important to you, your health and longevity, you can mention how your current BMI is evidence that you are at risk of certain chronic illnesses and diseases, etc. There are times when men need solid proof, evidence, facts, thrown at them.
There are also times when your partner should trust your ability to make choices for yourself and honor and respect your decisions. So... not sure what to say about that.
To be perfectly honest from what i've read he sounds emotionally immature and may benefit from some sort of therapy. Couples therapy may help as well.6 -
When women get married, they don't hand all their medical and health related decisions over to their husband. Losing weight or changing your diet or exercise habits is a decision about how you are takign care of your own body. It should never be your husband's decision.11
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
Oh my lord. All the red flags in the world.16 -
Maybe he's afraid other men will be more interested after you lose the weight. Since you have had recent marital problems, his fear could stem from paranoia that you will find someone else.
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rainbowbow wrote: »I would say he sounds controlling and deluded.
You ARE overweight for your height (your BMI is 29.9, just a smidge under "obese"). You can hit him with the facts about how living a healthier lifestyle is important to you, your health and longevity, you can mention how your current BMI is evidence that you are at risk of certain chronic illnesses and diseases, etc. There are times when men need solid proof, evidence, facts, thrown at them.
There are also times when your partner should trust your ability to make choices for yourself and honor and respect your decisions. So... not sure what to say about that.
To be perfectly honest from what i've read he sounds emotionally immature and may benefit from some sort of therapy. Couples therapy may help as well.
I've told him that I'm overweight. He says "no you're not" or "I love you exactly how you are - you're perfect - you don't need to change at all" etc. I've suggested counseling on multiple occasions - he is absolutely against it.
@nutmegoreo - I have been considering just making an appointment and going by myself.
@savithny - I agree. I am still doing my thing as far as my weight loss is concerned, it's just so hard when there are so many issues at home, kids involved, etc.1 -
Maybe he's afraid other men will be more interested after you lose the weight. Since you have had recent marital problems, his fear could stem from paranoia that you will find someone else.
I agree with this. And I try to tell him all the time. I'm not leaving (unless I have good reason to). I'm not looking for attention from anyone but him. He just doesn't ever believe a word I say.
I am so torn. I feel like either I deal with this the rest of my life, or I have no option than to leave the man I love and upset our entire family. 0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
While we were going through the worst of it, I told him repeatedly that it was emotional/mental abuse and it was unhealthy. He made me feel like I was nuts. He can switch to what I call "playing the victim" so quickly and then says things that make me feel bad and he gets me everytime.
This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.12
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