Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss

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  • LINIA
    LINIA Posts: 1,046 Member
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    You're in a tough, tough situation. Obviously you are happily married but just need a few tweaks to the level of understanding.

    Make It Medical!!!

    What does that mean, go to a DR of ostepathic medicine, a bone healthdoctor, and explain your family history---that Mom or Dad needed a knee replacement and how do you defeat genetics. That Dr will concede that loosing weight may help you avoid excruciating knee pain and/or possbly a surgery on your knee(s).

    The first step(according to your Dr) is to get to a weight that is in/near the BMI for your body.

    Your DH then understands that for health and medical reasons you must drop weight, your knees can not take the weight you are currently carrying.

    (didn't read every response, sorry if you were given this suggestion above)
  • losingtheweightandkeepingitoff
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff Posts: 41 Member
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    kshama2001 wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jkal1979 wrote: »
    Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?

    I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.

    It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
    codename_steve wrote: »
    This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.

    Eh, I'm in a power exchange relationship and it's his job to be the social director and fashion consultant. So I see nothing wrong with this per se.

    However, he certainly does sound emotionally abusive as described in the later posts.

    What is a power exchange relationship? I've never heard of that.

    But yes - I tell him that the way he has been as of late is emotionally/mentally abusive and wrong and unhealthy and he talks me out of thinking that just as quickly as I thought it.
  • codename_steve
    codename_steve Posts: 255 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.


    Wow - so much YES in this one post.

    I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.

    For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.

    Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.
  • losingtheweightandkeepingitoff
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff Posts: 41 Member
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    PennWalker wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    PennWalker wrote: »
    I'm a 5'4" woman and started at 177, close to your weight. You are almost obese and unhealthy. Your intent to lose weight is absolutely right for your health and overall well being. He's dead wrong and sounds like he has some big control/boundary/respect problems. My sincere best wishes to you in dealing with this problem -- which is really his problem.

    Yes - I just recently crossed over from obese to overweight. I just want to be comfortable with myself. Not to impress anyone (even him!) - just to be comfortable with myself and for myself.

    There's a good book you might read or even skim called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evens. It's a paperback and not expensive. Your library might even have it. It's written basically for relationships between men and women, but I read it years ago because I had a verbally abusive mother and the book helped me to understand her and my own reactions -- how I was falling into traps. It talks about common verbal abuse, attempts to control and undermine, how we react and how to have better reactions, and why verbal abusers do what they do. I highly recommend it for anybody with this problem. Again, good luck.

    Thank you - I will definitely check that out!
  • losingtheweightandkeepingitoff
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff Posts: 41 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jvcjcooper wrote: »
    so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.

    I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.

    Why have to lie though? Again, I see where we are dismissing our own needs to make someone else feel good.
    You should be able to say something like
    "Honey, I love you and I understand your concerns. But this is something I thought long and hard on and I am going to lose weight for me... And I need you to trust me and I need your support." Be firm in your convictions.... "I want to assure you that I am in this marriage for the long haul, and this is one of the steps I am taking towards that goal".
    Him: "I don't agree and I am the one that have to look at you everyday and I like you the way you are!"
    You: "I appreciate you like me the way that I am, but "I" don't like the way that I look and that's why "I" am doing this for me!

    I can say that until I'm blue in the face, he likely won't believe me. Ever. Regardless of what I say or do.

    I have been in and out of the doctors lately anyway and was found to have a severe vitamin D deficiency. Telling him that I need to lose weight for medical reasons isn't really a lie I don't think.
  • losingtheweightandkeepingitoff
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff Posts: 41 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.

    Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?

    It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.

    That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them. :cry:

    He manipulates you to get what he wants. He knows how to do it well. He deflects things off of him and make them your fault. If he knew we were talking to you, you wouldn't have MFP. Trust your gut.

    You are correct. He made me get rid of twitter and instagram because "guys liked my pages" etc etc... he has been on my MFP and chastised me for posting a progress report in the success stories... Hence the 'throw away' account. He would go ballistic. :cry:
  • losingtheweightandkeepingitoff
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff Posts: 41 Member
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    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.


    Wow - so much YES in this one post.

    I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.

    For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.

    Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.

    I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.

    I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.
  • losingtheweightandkeepingitoff
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff Posts: 41 Member
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    jkal1979 wrote: »
    This is called gaslighting and is a form of abuse.

    I know that you mentioned kids and while he may be great with them by staying in that kind of environment teaches them that that is how they are supposed to be treated or how to treat their s/o in the future.

    I think that counseling for yourself is a great idea. Good luck OP, I hope that you are able to get things resolved before they get worse. *hugs*

    I've never heard of gaslighting. I will have to look it up.

    Thanks for the advice, thoughts and hugs - they're appreciated. :flowerforyou:
  • codename_steve
    codename_steve Posts: 255 Member
    edited October 2016
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.


    Wow - so much YES in this one post.

    I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.

    For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.

    Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.

    I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.

    I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.

    I'm sure there's gotta be some sort of way around the PTO, like a leave of absence or FMLA that you can use temporarily. There are many ways women in your situation can get support during these times of transition. And you can get with your kids' teachers to get course work while they're out so they don't fall behind.

    This is when you need to ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth the financial struggle to protect my children? Is it worth the uncertainty to show my children how to be courageous and stand up for themselves? Which is worse, having to ask for financial help or letting your children believe that this relationship is ok/normal?

    Feel free to PM me if you need support or have questions.
  • janekana
    janekana Posts: 151 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.


    Wow - so much YES in this one post.

    I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.

    For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.

    Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.

    I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.

    I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.

    I know you have kids, but that is no way to treat your own wife. This might sound hard to do, but I think you'll need to go aggressive. Not throw things at him, but make sure he hears you loud and clear that you want to go to counselling. If he doesn't want to go, drag him. Or go by yourself.

    He does NOT control you, even if he says no, he can't do anything about it unless he locks you in a room. If it comes to that, call the police, that would mean the relationship has turned seriously abusive.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,897 Member
    edited October 2016
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jvcjcooper wrote: »
    so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.

    I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.

    Why have to lie though? Again, I see where we are dismissing our own needs to make someone else feel good.
    You should be able to say something like
    "Honey, I love you and I understand your concerns. But this is something I thought long and hard on and I am going to lose weight for me... And I need you to trust me and I need your support." Be firm in your convictions.... "I want to assure you that I am in this marriage for the long haul, and this is one of the steps I am taking towards that goal".
    Him: "I don't agree and I am the one that have to look at you everyday and I like you the way you are!"
    You: "I appreciate you like me the way that I am, but "I" don't like the way that I look and that's why "I" am doing this for me!

    I can say that until I'm blue in the face, he likely won't believe me. Ever. Regardless of what I say or do.

    I have been in and out of the doctors lately anyway and was found to have a severe vitamin D deficiency. Telling him that I need to lose weight for medical reasons isn't really a lie I don't think.

    Don't lie. Go to the doctor and do actually discuss your goal weight with him/her.

    Also discuss your husband's behavior and get a referral for counseling for you.

    If you do try to get counseling for the both of you, which would be more useful, I suggest a male counselor.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,897 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jkal1979 wrote: »
    Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?

    I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.

    It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
    codename_steve wrote: »
    This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.

    Eh, I'm in a power exchange relationship and it's his job to be the social director and fashion consultant. So I see nothing wrong with this per se.

    However, he certainly does sound emotionally abusive as described in the later posts.

    What is a power exchange relationship? I've never heard of that.

    But yes - I tell him that the way he has been as of late is emotionally/mentally abusive and wrong and unhealthy and he talks me out of thinking that just as quickly as I thought it.

    I found some great links but they were all NSFW (not safe for work) and I do not enjoy being mod-spanked ;)

    But basically, we are kinky; in a Dominant/submissive or D/s relationship.

    There are lots of variations of power exchange relationships, some look very similar to the 'traditional' marriage.

    Head of Household (HOH)
    Much like the 'traditional' marriage, this is a relationship that exists in many vanilla households (think of the phrase "who wears the trousers"). It is listed on this site because a HOH relationship is consciously consensual, where many vanilla situations just evolved or are imposed by one partner on the other.

    Taken In Hand (TIH)
    More narrowly-focused than most types, TIH is based on a male-led, heterosexual, monogamous relationship allowing for consensual non-consent from the woman. (for additional information, click here)
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    edited October 2016
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    Other than the kids and weight what other things make you pause and question or raise an eyebrow?
  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
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    Be very careful this is an unhealthy relationship right now. You really should seek outside counsel even if he doesn't want to he should do it for his own good and the health of the marriage if he wants it to continue.

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