Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss

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  • WJS_jeepster
    WJS_jeepster Posts: 224 Member
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    It seems to me that you know the answer to your own question. If you were to go back and read what you've written in responses, you acknowledge over and over again that it's a bad situation, you are afraid, you are stuck, you are just waiting for the next big explosion. I've always wondered with my own life - why do I need to wait until the huge, awful wake-up call comes to change? Why do I make myself suffer through that awfulness when I could see it coming a mile away?

    As others have said, I'd be working on some way out - the domestic abuse hotline or counselors must have list of resources for women in your situation. I wish you the best. You must be absolutely exhausted.
  • jdhcm2006
    jdhcm2006 Posts: 2,254 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jdhcm2006 wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    jvcjcooper wrote: »
    so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.

    Yes, go to your doctor so you have the Appeal to Authority argument on your side.

    But she shouldn't have to do that. She should be able to lose weight without it being a big deal. If he's as fit as she says he is, he knows what is a healthy weight and what isn't. He should be able to accept that his wife wants to be as healthy as she can for herself, him, and their children.

    Their relationship isn't healthy. If someone has to have authority to get permission to do something that's a problem. Especially, since that's not the type of relationship they established from the beginning. I get that some people have different rules for relationships. And I am completely cool with that as long as those rules have been established and agreed upon. Also, even if those rules were set early on, people change and grow, and relationships have to be able to do the same to keep them healthy and working for both individuals.

    But the problem here is that he's gaslighting her. Threatening to blame her for the demise of their relationship to the kids, making everything her fault and accepting no responsibility. He's abusive and controlling.

    I personally feel like OP needs to get counseling and maybe even get it for the kids as well. Divorce is hard on kids, but it's not the end of the world. My parents got divorced when I was in elementary school and I still have a great relationship with both of them. I love them both dearly, and the divorce did not destroy my life. OP, your kids will be fine as long as you give them love and support.

    Thank you. I agree that I shouldn't 'have to' get permission or medical clearance to be "allowed" to lose weight.

    "Their relationship isn't healthy. If someone has to have authority to get permission to do something that's a problem. Especially, since that's not the type of relationship they established from the beginning. I get that some people have different rules for relationships. And I am completely cool with that as long as those rules have been established and agreed upon. Also, even if those rules were set early on, people change and grow, and relationships have to be able to do the same to keep them healthy and working for both individuals. "

    That is his MAIN complaint about me. That I've changed. That I'm not the 'same person he married'. I try to explain to him that as people get older, their attitudes and perception of things changes too. Such is the way of life. He doesn't understand that. :(

    Thanks for the advice! :flowerforyou:

    Of course you've changed. I reckon that he's changed as well. Who wants to stay stagnant for the rest of their life? No one.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    Hey everyone. I'm a long time MFPer who needed a 'throw away' account to ask some questions, as I'd like to remain anonymous for some things.

    My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.

    It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.

    For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).

    What do ya'll think?

    My fiance has made similar comments to me and I tell him that my opinion of myself matters more than his opinion of me and the case is closed. I wouldn't even continue discussing it. It's your body. Marriage does not mean you no longer have control of your own body. There are reasons I want to be thinner -- clothes fit and look better on me, I'm more comfortable physically and mentally and it's healthier. If your husband doesn't want any of those things for you then maybe your marital problems are deeper than you realize.
  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,052 Member
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    fitoverfortymom wrote: »
    I have only purely anecdotal experience to share here. A close friend of mine lost 100+ lbs and had a spouse very similar to what you described. Her appearance, actions, activities were all about and focused on him--and he would get very upset if it was otherwise.

    She continued to lose weight, which in turn, helped her address many of her feelings about food and other things in life. She realized that as she used food less and less to sooth herself, she was able to see clearly other issues in her life that she now felt she had the self worth to address. She realized that his remarks were about his needs to control rather than her needs to improve her health and self worth.

    Within two years of the weight coming off, she divorced him (they had one child together). Her physical transformation and the ability to control her own life choices (including food and her health), made her relationship no longer possible--because what he wanted was someone he could have complete control and influence over. Since she was now able to make her own choices, she didn't NEED him any more.

    So she left.

    Fortunately, their child has a good relationship with both parents and the controlling nature of my friend's ex hasn't seemed to be projected on their daughter.

    Maybe that is the outcome that will be best for you (leaving your spouse). Since he seems to be unwilling to consider counseling, ultimately you will have to make a choice if it is best for you to stay married to him.

    Also know that if you ever feel unsafe or feel as though your husband poses a physical threat to you or your children that there are ways to get out to ensure yours and their safety.

    I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

    Having volunteered in domestic violence shelters for decades, my perspective is tinged by that experience. That's a reflection of what informs my thinking, not what I am projecting onto your situation. All the same, I really, really appreciate the bolded part above. I never, ever met a woman in a shelter who experienced physical abuse where other controlling behaviors had not been present long before. Not all controlling men resort to violence. All the same, the controlling examples you described show disrespect for your boundaries, and it is not a healthy model for the kids. Counseling (even if just individually for you if he refuses to go) can help you define and express your boundaries more skillfully and lovingly. I wish you the best.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    Can I ask what he looks like? I'm just wondering if maybe this is all based on his own insecurities, especially since you say that this has become more of an issue recently.

    He's a little over 6', athletic build, handsome. I don't understand why he has issues with insecurity. He's definitely good looking!

    Appearance has nothing to do with it. And so what if you want to go "clubbing" with your friends? You can do that without hooking up with another man. People do it all the time. I dated someone like your husband. It lasted seven months and it shouldn't have lasted that long. He needs to stop and you need to put your foot down about it.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.

    While we were going through the worst of it, I told him repeatedly that it was emotional/mental abuse and it was unhealthy. He made me feel like I was nuts. He can switch to what I call "playing the victim" so quickly and then says things that make me feel bad and he gets me everytime. :(

    That's called "gaslighting." Look that up if you don't know what it is.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,576 Member
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    If your husband doesn't think your opinion matters that a huge problem, especially when the subject is your body. But you already know this. It's why you created the new account, isn't it?
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.

    Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?

    It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.

    That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them. :cry:

    Staying in an abusive relationship (even with their father) is hurting them. I know that's tough to hear, but I think you know that. He IS abusive. He is NOT a good father.
  • fitoverfortymom
    fitoverfortymom Posts: 3,452 Member
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    rml_16 wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.

    Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?

    It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.

    That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them. :cry:

    Staying in an abusive relationship (even with their father) is hurting them. I know that's tough to hear, but I think you know that. He IS abusive. He is NOT a good father.

    I would agree. That kind of talk bleeding into how the children are raised is a no-go. They deserve better and so do you.
  • fitoverfortymom
    fitoverfortymom Posts: 3,452 Member
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    rml_16 wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.

    While we were going through the worst of it, I told him repeatedly that it was emotional/mental abuse and it was unhealthy. He made me feel like I was nuts. He can switch to what I call "playing the victim" so quickly and then says things that make me feel bad and he gets me everytime. :(

    That's called "gaslighting." Look that up if you don't know what it is.

    Indeed!
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    OK. I've read through this entire thread now and the only conclusion I have, based on the information given, is get the hell out of there ASAP. And be really careful when you do.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,897 Member
    edited October 2016
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    jdhcm2006 wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    jvcjcooper wrote: »
    so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.

    Yes, go to your doctor so you have the Appeal to Authority argument on your side.

    But she shouldn't have to do that. She should be able to lose weight without it being a big deal. If he's as fit as she says he is, he knows what is a healthy weight and what isn't. He should be able to accept that his wife wants to be as healthy as she can for herself, him, and their children.

    Their relationship isn't healthy. If someone has to have authority to get permission to do something that's a problem. Especially, since that's not the type of relationship they established from the beginning. I get that some people have different rules for relationships. And I am completely cool with that as long as those rules have been established and agreed upon. Also, even if those rules were set early on, people change and grow, and relationships have to be able to do the same to keep them healthy and working for both individuals.

    But the problem here is that he's gaslighting her. Threatening to blame her for the demise of their relationship to the kids, making everything her fault and accepting no responsibility. He's abusive and controlling.

    I personally feel like OP needs to get counseling and maybe even get it for the kids as well. Divorce is hard on kids, but it's not the end of the world. My parents got divorced when I was in elementary school and I still have a great relationship with both of them. I love them both dearly, and the divorce did not destroy my life. OP, your kids will be fine as long as you give them love and support.

    If she is going to say "My doctor says..." I think it's better to actually see the doctor, rather than lie about having seen the doctor, which is easily verifiable, and being caught would play into his paranoia.

    However, we are way past the initial issue of "he doesn't think I should lose anymore weight" and on to an emotionally abusive liar who is most likely cheating.
  • chocolate_owl
    chocolate_owl Posts: 1,695 Member
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    kshama2001 wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.


    Wow - so much YES in this one post.

    I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.

    For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.

    Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.

    I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.

    I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.

    This guy is not working. Working is very important to men. He has low self-esteem. You get to go out to work, mingle with people, socially, and now you want to hang out with your friends during time you should be hanging with him. So, now, he feels even more unloved, no matter what you say. Action speak louder than words. Methinks you protest too much. Start spending time with him, without the kids. You can make walking a thing you both do to have better health, both physically and for the state of your marriage. Endorphins from exercise can help you both feel upbeat and positive about life and your marriage.

    Thank you for the advice and for your opinion.

    I've told him that maybe a part time job - or even just a hobby (golf league? something?) would get him out of the house and making his own friends - which I sincerely believe he needs. When I say something about him working, he gets defensive. When I say something about a hobby, he says we can't afford it. (We probably really can't. Family of 6 on a 30k/yr income.)

    If he would work, I would gladly stay home with the kids. I don't go to work to socialize, I go to work to provide for my family. I don't think spending one night every six months with friends is too much to ask.

    I ask him all the time to schedule in a kid free date night and he refuses. Says the kids are too young, he doesn't trust anyone with the babies. Etc. Then he leaves and spends hours at "the store" by himself at least once a week - and usually late at night.

    I've asked him multiple times if we can work out together - he says no. It would be too frustrating. :(
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    courtneyfabulous wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    Shana67 wrote: »
    An example. At times, my husband will say to me as I am getting ready to go out to dinner or something with him, "Honey, I think you look great You don't need to put on makeup/wear special clothes/jewelery." I always, always reply, "Okay, but I'm not getting dressed up for YOU, I'm doing it for ME, because **I** like to feel & look good."

    **YOU** are the one who needs to be happy with your body and your appearance, for **YOU**. It sounds like your husband may have some self-esteem/trust issues going on. What do you think?

    I've told him exactly that - that I'm doing it for ME. And I've told him that he has trust issues and that he is too controlling. We've been together 10 years [married 6] and only recently has this become as big an issue as it is.

    He acts like I'm nuts when I say that he's being controlling. It's just so... ughhh. :(

    I hate to tell you this but statistically when a partner is unnecessarily jealous and suggests or suspects that you may be cheating it is very likely it is because they themselves are cheating. Especially if the behavior is new or recently increased. You may want to be extra aware of HIS whereabouts and behavior right now.

    I actually said exactly that to him. He fully denies it when I do say it. But yeah, he will go "to the store" at night and then come home with nothing (after having been gone a few hours) and say he looked at 2 or 3 stores, and just didn't find anything he wanted to buy.

    I have to give him the benefit of the doubt or I'd go crazy. If I find out anything ever happened for sure, I'd be gone in a minute, no question.

    There is not a doubt in my mind that someone who repeatedly goes to the store late at night and comes back with nothing is in fact up to no good.

    Just finished reading this whole thing. Seconded. He may not be cheating, but he's definitely lying...and probably cheating.

    Get in therapy, and get an escape plan going.
  • robininfl
    robininfl Posts: 1,137 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    robininfl wrote: »
    OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.

    If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?

    If you do fear him, that's not good.

    If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.

    [This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]

    I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though. :(

    I am so sorry but having read the whole thread I am afraid for you. May be projecting, but the not working is another risk factor for abuse. The less control he has over his own life, the more he wants to leash you. It will not do you any good, and is not good for your kids.

    Maybe he can be pulled back to reality, I don't know. But please have an exit plan in place and if you can, work toward getting him back to work and the kids in another care situation. That YOU drive them to.

    I waited too long when it was me, and feel regret about what my kids had to deal with, but we are free now and in a better situation. This stuff can happen to anyone. Men can change when unemployed (yes even if logically they are providing value at home). Take care of yourself.

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