Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss

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  • Dano74
    Dano74 Posts: 503 Member
    edited October 2016
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    This issue is "smoke". As you're keen on, it's not your hair or going out with friends or weight that's the problem. I'd say, almost unequivocally, this stems from an issue of insecurity and your husband not feeling "safe". Now, where that stems from in the past I can't say- and you may even have your own issues of hurt or defense where you're walled off- ultimately, we don't know history and there's certainly a perspective to everything.

    I dunno... he may be unfounded but there's absolutely an aspect (or two, or three or more) missing from your relationship-- and in that missing item, he's playing "defense". I don't know that he's trying to control you as much as trying not to get hurt. But that's just reading through responses.

    Again, it may be ill-founded but perception tends to be one's reality and realizing where the fire lies, where you (and/or he) are starved in your relationship will go a long way to alleviating the issues.

    If you believe your relationship is worth saving/reparing and it's not truly toxic with a history of such... be patient with him, as he should be with you, keep it respectful, as he should be with you and allow one another to feel safe and understood. That will go MIIIIILES.

    Good luck.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.


    Wow - so much YES in this one post.

    I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.

    For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.

    Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.

    I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.

    I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.

    This is a huge flag - from what you've presented he is extremely insecure to begin with and desperately trying to influence as much control as possible over you and the kids, which is unhealthy for you and your children.

    Was he always the stay at home parent or is this due to job loss?

    The behavior insecure people exhibit is toxic and your kids will start taking on the same behavior. This either needs to be addressed or he needs to go.

    Do you have family/friends you can go to temporarily?

    Prayers Up!
  • fitoverfortymom
    fitoverfortymom Posts: 3,452 Member
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    I'm really sorry that this is happening to you, but I'm glad you seem to be coming out of the fog and may put your position in a place where you can take action on the changes you want to make in your life and for your children. It's easy for all of us to armchair quarterback what you should do, but it is truly up to you. Regardless of how easy it is for us to see what you should do, it is much, much harder in real life to make those decisions.

    Just know that you can jump and the net will appear.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    Hey everyone. I'm a long time MFPer who needed a 'throw away' account to ask some questions, as I'd like to remain anonymous for some things.

    My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.

    It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.

    For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).

    What do ya'll think?

    Bob has issues.
    I suggest counseling/therapy and some deep thinking.
  • ClosetBayesian
    ClosetBayesian Posts: 836 Member
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    Your husband is emotionally abusive. It will not matter if you get a doctor's note telling you to lose weight. He will find something else to harp on. Figure out where your line is (hint: it should be before the abuse turns physical, not after). Good luck.
  • UK2ME
    UK2ME Posts: 15 Member
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    I would encourage you to have a contingency plan in your back pocket. It doesn't have to be elaborate; it could be something as simple as putting a friend on alert that you may need a place to come briefly on not much notice. Even if you never use that bolthole, knowing that it is in place will allow you to not have to worry about "where would I go?" if you should ever need it.

    I was married to an emotionally abusive man for six years. It took me that long to convince myself that I wasn't the unreasonable one. You are not the unreasonable one. Best wishes to you.
  • cerise_noir
    cerise_noir Posts: 5,468 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jkal1979 wrote: »
    Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?

    I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.

    It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
    He sounds incredibly insecure and controlling to me.
    Sounds like you'd be happier losing the weight you want as well as his weight. You deserve so much better. :/
  • myheartsabattleground
    myheartsabattleground Posts: 2,040 Member
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    Divorce his tush and take half his things!
  • ummijaaz560
    ummijaaz560 Posts: 228 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.


    Wow - so much YES in this one post.

    I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.

    Its called "gaslighting". Honestly, your husband is displaying narc aka narcisist behavior. If you are in fact are dealing with a narc you and your kids are in for it. Trust your instincts and get your ducks in a row.
  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
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    All i can say is if my husband disappeared for hours at night claiming to go to the store and return home with nothing, my first thought would be cheating..
  • Aaron_K123
    Aaron_K123 Posts: 7,122 Member
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    I think with the exception of you having disordered thinking that drives you into unhealthy weight ranges the decision is ultimately yours. Maybe hubby comes second but no he wouldn't come first, you come first.
  • fitoverfortymom
    fitoverfortymom Posts: 3,452 Member
    edited October 2016
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    Aaron_K123 wrote: »
    I think with the exception of you having disordered thinking that drives you into unhealthy weight ranges the decision is ultimately yours. Maybe hubby comes second but no he wouldn't come first, you come first.

    135 is medium-high BMI for her height. I hardly call that disordered thinking. The disordered thinking is her husband having the influence to convince her it should be 145, which is the highest end of her target BMI.
  • KyleGrace8
    KyleGrace8 Posts: 2,205 Member
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    Staying in an abusive relationship is doing nothing for your children. They will figure out who's right one day. My brother turned into my abusive dad and he left by the time he was 10! Early childhood development is more important than you think. You think they're just kids but they have eyes and ears. They might not keep the memories but the learned behavior is hard to shake.

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