Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss

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  • kelleybean1
    kelleybean1 Posts: 312 Member
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    Please make a plan, and get out of this toxic relationship ASAP. For yourself and your safety and for your kids and their safety. This is not normal and never will be. He's not going to change, this will only get worse.
  • Evamutt
    Evamutt Posts: 2,328 Member
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    I got the book "boundries", practiced it & made a world of difference
  • MiMi_5151
    MiMi_5151 Posts: 41 Member
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    That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them. :cry:

    This is very far from the truth. I am so proud of my mother, a victim of marital abuse, for getting out of the abusive relationship. Your situation has so many red flags that I am reminded of what I saw my mother go through. Please deal with this swiftly and safely. If it involves walking away from this marriage, the kids will thank you for it - not blame you for it!
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
    edited October 2016
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    Hey everyone. I'm a long time MFPer who needed a 'throw away' account to ask some questions, as I'd like to remain anonymous for some things.

    My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.

    It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.

    For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).

    What do ya'll think?

    I don't know the whole story, but it's disturbing that he says that you should lose weight only for him and that only his opinion matters. If my partner who I've been with for almost 12 years aid that to me, I would boot his booty to the curb pretty quickly. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but these kinds of statements are serous business.

    I think it's important for you to take ownership of your weight loss and to stop allowing him to control you. You need to lose weight for you, and your opinion in this regard matters. Your goal weight of 135 to 145 is perfectly healthy.

    My advice is to lay some different cards on the table. Do not discuss your weight loss goals with hubby and just start eating at a calorie deficit. You really don't have that much to lose so set your goals up to lose 1 pound a week until you only have about 25 pounds left, then do a half pound a week. Get your doctor to stand behind you and ask for a referral to a dietitian. Keep your boundaries strong and don't open the door for discussion, and if he opens that door tell him that you are under the doctors care.

    It's interesting when you show a different hand, because that often changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. :)
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    jenkofb wrote: »
    Maybe he's afraid other men will be more interested after you lose the weight. Since you have had recent marital problems, his fear could stem from paranoia that you will find someone else.

    Yep.
  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,052 Member
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    Apologies in advance about straying off topic or sounding over-dramatic. This anecdote offers a perspective about how abuse impacts kids who see it... Listening to women in jail tell stories about life events that shaped their thoughts and behaviors, one thing has really grabbed me. They can seem so strong, almost stoic, when describing terrible things that were done to them. And I mean really terrible in some cases. But when they talk about seeing their mothers harmed, they all break down in tears. I've often thought about how powerful that experience evidently is.... the crushing pain of not being able to protect the person you love most. Seeing your protector harmed seems to threaten an inner sense of security even more than being harmed directly. It is definitely a lifetime scar. A man is not a "great dad" if he abuses mom. Period.

    Hugs and best wishes to you, OP. It's a hard situation, but not impossible. If you have access to counseling for yourself, it can be a huge help no matter what you decide to do.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jkal1979 wrote: »
    Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?

    I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.

    It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...

    Recently....? Do you know what's brought it on?

    Sounds a bit like when someone is guilty of something so they project it onto someone else.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    robininfl wrote: »
    OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.

    If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?

    If you do fear him, that's not good.

    If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.

    [This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]

    I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though. :(

    Please retread this OP and consider speaking to the DV helpline again... there is a reason they suggested you leave.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »

    [This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]

    OP: Why?

    Of all the things you've written here, this is the one that jumped out at me as the most subtle, yet the most telling. :(


    I bet OP doesnt have the same access to her husbands accounts...
  • aboverubies5
    aboverubies5 Posts: 6 Member
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    Omg I'm 5'4 and weigh( as of today) 179. Lose the weight!!! It's not healthy to be overweight at our height! He will just be happy to have a sexy wife, your sex life will be better, and he can always be involved in the journey. Make it a thing for both of you. If you allow him to guilt trip you, you'll gain more and regret it.
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
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    I don't take lightly any of the suggestions of emotional abuse and believe that may very well be the case, but one thing that strikes me is that Bob appears to be your very overgrown fifth child. He wants what he wants and will stomp his feet really hard until he gets it. You can either keep explaining and over explaining, or do what, Mama?

    I will now very confusingly swing in another direction and wonder if you've tried doing any kind of outings or activities involving him and the kids, or maybe you guys do those all the time? Obviously you and the five kids are getting seriously cranky and it may be time to bundle everyone into the car and go do something small and fun (while hoping all five of them don't throw too many tantrums and ruin the day).

    At this point, I'll get a bit weird and say I've seen some athletic men say they prefer a "soft" partner to kind of um... complement their body type. No idea if this is the case here, just thought I'd introduce another perspective. And even if it were the case, it doesn't mean he gets to have his way.

    Oh, and next time he goes to the store, tell him to buy you something ;)

    Again, reading this all of this, I just feel like you're the only adult in this situation and need to find your inner strength and start acting accordingly. This will be to your advantage whether you choose to stay or leave.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,931 Member
    edited October 2016
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    Have you tried telling him that you will, from now on, refuse to talk to him about your weight and that he is to never bring it up again? You could just try shutting it down. I love my husband deeply but I had to do that on one issue with him as well that I just couldn't handle. It was a different type of issue though.
  • Lynnmi07
    Lynnmi07 Posts: 131 Member
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    With all the important and tough things a marriage has to face, weight loss seems like a really minuscule thing to be arguing about (considering you are not bed bound/morbidly obese). Seriously, if you want to lose weight just lose weight. Do the actions necessary to lose the weight and quit talking about it, considering he's a guy he might not even notice you are losing weight until you are halfway done. At which point he may see the benefit!
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jenkofb wrote: »
    Maybe he's afraid other men will be more interested after you lose the weight. Since you have had recent marital problems, his fear could stem from paranoia that you will find someone else.

    I agree with this. And I try to tell him all the time. I'm not leaving (unless I have good reason to). I'm not looking for attention from anyone but him. He just doesn't ever believe a word I say.

    I am so torn. I feel like either I deal with this the rest of my life, or I have no option than to leave the man I love and upset our entire family. :(

    Do you have a daughter? Watching your marriage is teaching her how a marriage works. You are her role model. So when she starts dating a man just like your husband with the control issues will you be ok with it? How can you convince her it's a bad idea if you are still in the same boat?

    Do you have a son? He's also watching and will assume this is normal husband behavior.

    I'm not saying DIVORCE RIGHT NOW!! But I'm am saying grow some balls. Have a sit down and tell him you have tried repeatedly to tell him the weight loss is for you and you are not having that conversation again. He is in charge of his body. You are in charge of yours. End of discussion.

    Either he gets it or not. There are a LOT of red flags here and I strongly suggest you go to counseling and get your mind in a good spot to make the best decision for you and your children.

    I hope it works out and you have a very happy life. Whichever way it goes.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    jvcjcooper wrote: »
    so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.

    I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.

    Oh. My. Gosh.

    So much wrong with this. Please go to a counselor and see why there is so much wrong with this.

    Are you in a happy loving safe relationship if you have to lie to your husband and say the doctor said lose weight?? You can't just decide for yourself to lose weight? That's not permitted???

    I am so sorry you are in this relationship. It sounds very lonely and frustrating.

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