Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss

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  • DebSozo
    DebSozo Posts: 2,578 Member
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    Can I ask what he looks like? I'm just wondering if maybe this is all based on his own insecurities, especially since you say that this has become more of an issue recently.

    He's a little over 6', athletic build, handsome. I don't understand why he has issues with insecurity. He's definitely good looking!

    If he is athletic then why doesn't he want you to be athletic also? Or are you athletic even at your current weight? Does he like curvy girls and is afraid you wI'll lose your curves? I guess I don't quite understand why he doesn't want you to lose weight?
  • allenpriest
    allenpriest Posts: 1,102 Member
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    He may feel threatened. Like if you get "better" you will leave. Of course that is his issue and not yours. The fact that he is not willing to get counseling says a lot to me and none of it is good.
  • JenniferNoll
    JenniferNoll Posts: 367 Member
    edited November 2016
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    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    codename_steve wrote: »
    This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.

    Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?

    It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.

    That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them. :cry:

    You wouldn't be hurting your kids. You'd be teaching them that people should be treated with respect and shouldn't stand for being treated like dirt. His behavior screams mental/emotional abuse. When your kids look at the way he behaves toward you, they are seeing how a man should treat a woman. Think about that for a minute.

    I think that if he won't go to a therapist, you should go alone to figure out why you tolerate being treated in this manner. You deserve better than what you're getting from him.

    I am a person who is obese. My husband still loves the way I look, and still wants to have sex with me. Still, he's very accepting of the fact that I'm going to be having bariatric surgery in the near future. He wants me to be healthier and happy. I'm currently having obesity related health problems, and losing the 90 pounds I need to lose would make me live longer.

    If he doesn't want you to be healthy, then you have bigger problems than him being afraid of your leaving you. Seriously, call that therapist. You deserve to be healthy and happy, and a happy mommy makes for happy kids.
  • blwelch1
    blwelch1 Posts: 81 Member
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    There is a book that you could read called, "Walking on eggshells" you will see a lot of similarity in the people they are talking about. Your marriage should not be like this.
  • alexbelly
    alexbelly Posts: 277 Member
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    This is an EXCELLENT movie on body image the OP (and everyone else for that matter) should see:
    https://www.facebook.com/embracethedocumentary/?fref=ts

    Here is the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAEI3DWfd3k

    I saw the screening for this. It helped keep me focused on what's important in my journey to getting healthy inside and out.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
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    fitoverfortymom wrote: »
    Aaron_K123 wrote: »
    I think with the exception of you having disordered thinking that drives you into unhealthy weight ranges the decision is ultimately yours. Maybe hubby comes second but no he wouldn't come first, you come first.

    135 is medium-high BMI for her height. I hardly call that disordered thinking. The disordered thinking is her husband having the influence to convince her it should be 145, which is the highest end of her target BMI.

    I don't think he's saying her thinking is disordered. I read it more like "Under these circumstances, you might consider someone else's opinion first, but if that's not the case, then don't.
  • SoUl_ReBeL2021
    SoUl_ReBeL2021 Posts: 120 Member
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    Sorry to say this but RUN as fast and far away from someone like this! I see all the red flags here and it's not good! I was married to somebody like that trust me when I tell you this!!! He's very controlling and he's trying to manipulate you into seeing what he wants you to perceive as normal there is a word for that it's called a narcissist!!! I'm sorry not trying to upset you but telling you how it is and the reason he does not want to go seek counseling is because he is afraid somebody will point out his controlling ways and then he will lose all control, I see right through him... peace
  • trigden1991
    trigden1991 Posts: 4,658 Member
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    You need to love yourself before you can love others.
  • angelexperiment
    angelexperiment Posts: 1,917 Member
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    40 more lbs you are looking to lose. It's not actually that much. My opinion is it's your body your choice. What matters more than what he thinks is what you think of yourself. If you are not happy where you are then that is what needs to be said. I appreciate you love the way I look, but I just am not and so I'm going to continue to work on that.

    I totally get his type of personality as my husband is one! Very challenging. He would fight with me about working out, walks, food, etc. I had to finally have the conversation where I said it is hard enough to muster the motivation to want to work out, to fight myself I do not need to fight you too. I need your support, I need your understanding, or to say nothing at all. To respect there are things I can't eat sometimes and sometimes I can't be around certain foods at the moment because they are too tempting. If I need to go for a walk either walk with me, but do not argue with me that I don't need to.

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