Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss
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This issue is "smoke". As you're keen on, it's not your hair or going out with friends or weight that's the problem. I'd say, almost unequivocally, this stems from an issue of insecurity and your husband not feeling "safe". Now, where that stems from in the past I can't say- and you may even have your own issues of hurt or defense where you're walled off- ultimately, we don't know history and there's certainly a perspective to everything.
I dunno... he may be unfounded but there's absolutely an aspect (or two, or three or more) missing from your relationship-- and in that missing item, he's playing "defense". I don't know that he's trying to control you as much as trying not to get hurt. But that's just reading through responses.
Again, it may be ill-founded but perception tends to be one's reality and realizing where the fire lies, where you (and/or he) are starved in your relationship will go a long way to alleviating the issues.
If you believe your relationship is worth saving/reparing and it's not truly toxic with a history of such... be patient with him, as he should be with you, keep it respectful, as he should be with you and allow one another to feel safe and understood. That will go MIIIIILES.
Good luck.3 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.
Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.
I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.
I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.
This is a huge flag - from what you've presented he is extremely insecure to begin with and desperately trying to influence as much control as possible over you and the kids, which is unhealthy for you and your children.
Was he always the stay at home parent or is this due to job loss?
The behavior insecure people exhibit is toxic and your kids will start taking on the same behavior. This either needs to be addressed or he needs to go.
Do you have family/friends you can go to temporarily?
Prayers Up!2 -
I'm really sorry that this is happening to you, but I'm glad you seem to be coming out of the fog and may put your position in a place where you can take action on the changes you want to make in your life and for your children. It's easy for all of us to armchair quarterback what you should do, but it is truly up to you. Regardless of how easy it is for us to see what you should do, it is much, much harder in real life to make those decisions.
Just know that you can jump and the net will appear.4 -
Thanks for the advice, insight, and opinions from each and every one of you. I do appreciate it.
I think I have some serious thinking to do, a very serious talk to sit down and have, and maybe some serious decisions to make.
I will definitely update this as things progress.7 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Hey everyone. I'm a long time MFPer who needed a 'throw away' account to ask some questions, as I'd like to remain anonymous for some things.
My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.
It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.
For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).
What do ya'll think?
Bob has issues.
I suggest counseling/therapy and some deep thinking.1 -
I would also like to say if Bob reads all of your stuff he will have no problems figuring out that this is about him unless you've changed some details.
Be wary.8 -
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Your husband is emotionally abusive. It will not matter if you get a doctor's note telling you to lose weight. He will find something else to harp on. Figure out where your line is (hint: it should be before the abuse turns physical, not after). Good luck.2
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I would encourage you to have a contingency plan in your back pocket. It doesn't have to be elaborate; it could be something as simple as putting a friend on alert that you may need a place to come briefly on not much notice. Even if you never use that bolthole, knowing that it is in place will allow you to not have to worry about "where would I go?" if you should ever need it.
I was married to an emotionally abusive man for six years. It took me that long to convince myself that I wasn't the unreasonable one. You are not the unreasonable one. Best wishes to you.4 -
He sounds incredibly insecure and controlling to me.losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
Sounds like you'd be happier losing the weight you want as well as his weight. You deserve so much better.
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"I ask him all the time to schedule in a kid free date night and he refuses. Says the kids are too young, he doesn't trust anyone with the babies. Etc. Then he leaves and spends hours at "the store" by himself at least once a week - and usually late at night."
Ummmm I can almost guarantee he's not going to the store... I mean maybe he just drives sound by himself to get a break from the kids and have some alone time... but maybe he's going to a bar... or maybe he's meeting his girlfriend at a hotel...
The problem is he's not being honest with you.
Have you considered having a private investigator follow him to see what these mysterious store trips actually are??
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Divorce his tush and take half his things!0
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
Its called "gaslighting". Honestly, your husband is displaying narc aka narcisist behavior. If you are in fact are dealing with a narc you and your kids are in for it. Trust your instincts and get your ducks in a row.1 -
All i can say is if my husband disappeared for hours at night claiming to go to the store and return home with nothing, my first thought would be cheating..3
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I think with the exception of you having disordered thinking that drives you into unhealthy weight ranges the decision is ultimately yours. Maybe hubby comes second but no he wouldn't come first, you come first.1
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abusers will blame you and then when you stand up for yourself will play the victim so you will stay,they will promise to change or do anything to make you want to stay,including crying,they play on your heartstrings and try to gain your sympathy so you wont leave. when one starts accusing the other one of wrong doing its usually the accuser doing the wrong doing(like others noted) my sister when she was cheating(and my mom),they would say they were going to the store and come back with nothing as well. my mom would forget to come back for a few days sometimes.
abusers will also use the kids as a weapon against you. the kids, if old enough know what is going on so they will see who is treating who badly. Its not an environment kids need to grow up in either,it teachers them its ok to be abusive towards others. if he refuses to see someone you need to leave,I know you love him and some small part is hoping he will change,but 9/10 times it goes from verbal/mental abuse to physical abuse.if he isnt cheating maybe hes abusing drugs/alcohol?. you should not have to acct for every minute you are gone,you are his wife,he is not your parent. If there is NO trust and respect there is no relationship period!get yourself and the kids some therapy,he can figure things out on his own since he thinks nothing is his fault.This is not a healthy marriage. cheaters always deny they are cheating,they want the best of both worlds.I would find a way to get help and find help to leave him. sure it will be hard to do but at this point you have to do whats best for you and your kids. either he will change after he sees what hes about to lose or he wont,he will have to prove long and hard to you that he can. if you leave he will cry and plead and say he will change,etc or he will make threats.dont let either sway you5 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »I think with the exception of you having disordered thinking that drives you into unhealthy weight ranges the decision is ultimately yours. Maybe hubby comes second but no he wouldn't come first, you come first.
135 is medium-high BMI for her height. I hardly call that disordered thinking. The disordered thinking is her husband having the influence to convince her it should be 145, which is the highest end of her target BMI.3 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »When women get married, they don't hand all their medical and health related decisions over to their husband. Losing weight or changing your diet or exercise habits is a decision about how you are takign care of your own body. It should never be your husband's decision.
I completely agree with this.. this in short was what I tried to explain in my first post..
I do not like to be completely bias when the second person is not here, but basic human needs are still basic human needs.. support from your significant other should never have to be questioned like this..
So, I look like it this way, unless I am completely incapacitated and unable to make my decisions, then my next of kin must make medical/mental decisions for me.. Until that time, god forbid, they are all mine, if you do not like it (no to be harsh) back off.
@RoxieDawn - thank you. I'm at such a cross roads right now. I'm so torn. It's like when it's bad (it was for many months), I KNOW that I need to just let him go and let it be. But when it's good, it seems like why would I ever doubt us. You know what I mean? I'm just... torn.
It sounds like your gut instinct is on point and you just need to trust yourself to know when things are healthy and when they aren't. Weight loss and self-esteem are very personal and YOU need to be happy and comfortable with where things are at. It's really not about him and sometimes he may need to be reminded of that. A marriage is built on respect and in order to respect each other, we need a foundation of respect for ourselves first. His willingness to communicate with you about his concerns is a good indicator of whether or not the marriage truly is improving. Ask him what concerns him most about you losing weight and getting healthy? Emphasize that you are doing it for your own health and well-being and specifically ask for his support. Even though he doesn't need to lose weight, see if there are aspects that you could do together (exercise) that may strengthen the marriage so it doesn't feel as if you are leaving him behind in your journey. Your instincts will continue to guide you based on his willingness to come around... and if he doesn't, you sound like you know deep down whether this is the right situation to keep yourself in or not.
@hpacaro - thank you! I appreciate the way you looked at this. I agree that a relationship/marriage have to be build on respect -and trust. He does NOT trust me, although I have NEVER EVER and would NEVER EVER do anything that would cause him not to trust me. EVER. That's what I've been trying to do is wait it out and see if it truly is getting better or if it's all just an act to 'keep me around' or something. You know?
You can't have love without trust and respect. What you are describing when you say good times is a cycle of abuse. Abuse os rarely constant and goes between abuse and "love" it is hard to escape but is this what you want your children to think is normal and healthy? Do you want them to see you unhappy and staying unhappy for them? Would you want your child to be in your place? Marriage counseling is the first step and if he refuses then he just wants to keep abusing you.
my best friend's mother was unhappy and didn't want to break up the family so stayed unhappy. My friend still blames herself for the 15 years her mother was miserable because of her. Consider the long term affect of your unhappiness and fear on your children.5 -
Staying in an abusive relationship is doing nothing for your children. They will figure out who's right one day. My brother turned into my abusive dad and he left by the time he was 10! Early childhood development is more important than you think. You think they're just kids but they have eyes and ears. They might not keep the memories but the learned behavior is hard to shake.4
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Please make a plan, and get out of this toxic relationship ASAP. For yourself and your safety and for your kids and their safety. This is not normal and never will be. He's not going to change, this will only get worse.2
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I got the book "boundries", practiced it & made a world of difference2
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That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them.
This is very far from the truth. I am so proud of my mother, a victim of marital abuse, for getting out of the abusive relationship. Your situation has so many red flags that I am reminded of what I saw my mother go through. Please deal with this swiftly and safely. If it involves walking away from this marriage, the kids will thank you for it - not blame you for it!1 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Hey everyone. I'm a long time MFPer who needed a 'throw away' account to ask some questions, as I'd like to remain anonymous for some things.
My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.
It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.
For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).
What do ya'll think?
I don't know the whole story, but it's disturbing that he says that you should lose weight only for him and that only his opinion matters. If my partner who I've been with for almost 12 years aid that to me, I would boot his booty to the curb pretty quickly. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but these kinds of statements are serous business.
I think it's important for you to take ownership of your weight loss and to stop allowing him to control you. You need to lose weight for you, and your opinion in this regard matters. Your goal weight of 135 to 145 is perfectly healthy.
My advice is to lay some different cards on the table. Do not discuss your weight loss goals with hubby and just start eating at a calorie deficit. You really don't have that much to lose so set your goals up to lose 1 pound a week until you only have about 25 pounds left, then do a half pound a week. Get your doctor to stand behind you and ask for a referral to a dietitian. Keep your boundaries strong and don't open the door for discussion, and if he opens that door tell him that you are under the doctors care.
It's interesting when you show a different hand, because that often changes the whole dynamic of the relationship.
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Apologies in advance about straying off topic or sounding over-dramatic. This anecdote offers a perspective about how abuse impacts kids who see it... Listening to women in jail tell stories about life events that shaped their thoughts and behaviors, one thing has really grabbed me. They can seem so strong, almost stoic, when describing terrible things that were done to them. And I mean really terrible in some cases. But when they talk about seeing their mothers harmed, they all break down in tears. I've often thought about how powerful that experience evidently is.... the crushing pain of not being able to protect the person you love most. Seeing your protector harmed seems to threaten an inner sense of security even more than being harmed directly. It is definitely a lifetime scar. A man is not a "great dad" if he abuses mom. Period.
Hugs and best wishes to you, OP. It's a hard situation, but not impossible. If you have access to counseling for yourself, it can be a huge help no matter what you decide to do.4 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...
Recently....? Do you know what's brought it on?
Sounds a bit like when someone is guilty of something so they project it onto someone else.2 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.
If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though.
Please retread this OP and consider speaking to the DV helpline again... there is a reason they suggested you leave.0 -
To quote my partner when I began my weight loss journey,
"I think you are perfect the way you are. The only way you losing weight will make you more beautiful to me is if it will make you smile more."
That is how it should be. Your husband does not own your body and you need to do what is good for your happiness and health. To hell with him. He can take it or leave it.7 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
OP: Why?
Of all the things you've written here, this is the one that jumped out at me as the most subtle, yet the most telling.
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